Bermuda Triangle
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“Did you mean occupied Palestine?...”
~ Humphrey Bogart on The Bermuda Triangle
“We used to be friends, but then it ate my boat.”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Bermuda Triangle
“It ate MY doritos...bastard...”
~ Master Chief on Bermuda Triangle
“It's a trap!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on Bermuda Triangle
“OM NOM NOM NOM!”
~ Bermuda Triangle on Boats
“I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids and their dog, too!”
~ The Bermuda Triangle on his failed attempt to eat the entire U.S military
The Bermuda Triangle is a mysterious area of land that exhibits the strange property of forming a shape called a "triangle" when the three points it consists of are connected. Green, and not as big as you'd think, the Bermuda Triangle is responsible for sinking many rowing boats, cruise ships, and other miscellaneous water craft in the last decade. The Bermuda Triangle is now famous for making the Lost plane break. As of 2005, it has reportedly been destroyed spontaneously by Jimi Hendrix using his neon ultraversal guitar. The area is now subject to a higher than average amount of Hendrixosity. Therefore, modern sailors still avoid the area as they might be hit by a lethal dose. Hendrixosity is also said to be the cause of the extinction of the Sandman (described in a famous song by the "metal" band Metallica) in the year 2064.
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[edit] Description
The Bermuda Triangle, also known as the Devil's Triangle, is a triangle-shaped area that spans from Miami, FL to Bermuda then to Peurto Rico. There have been many, many accounts of ships and planes being lost in these dangerous waters probably due to the arseholes falling asleep. It is believed to be the home of many sea creatures such as Kraken, The Loch Ness Monster, Mermaids, The Hydra and Your Mom just to name a few. Here these fierce creatures of the abyss make their home, do flower arrangements, and host parties where they invite land monsters like Big Foot, Thor and Zeus.
[edit] Habitat
The area between Bermuda, Miami, the Bahamas, and that other place that no one has ever heard of. The Death Star, that was it. Also known to be spotted in the Arctic Ocean and New Michigan's Great Lakes, the Bermuda Triangle can also be seen at most McFly concerts, explaining the total lack of people there. Also, in 1968 it was spotted in the "Zuiderzee", a large hole in the earth filled with water, situated in the Netherlands. It is also fairly often spotten in Loch Ness, there for most people confuse it with the Loch Ness monster. Mostly Asian tourists are confused when they make a photo of the monster, and then zoom in on it to find a horrific triangle instead of a dinosaur-like creature. However, scientists speculate that the Bermuda Triangle actually descends from the Loch Ness species, but no genetic evidence has been found so far.
[edit] Feeding Habits
The Bermuda Triangle eats just about anything that floats: ducks, very small rocks, rowing boats, surfers, cigarette stubs, camels, crashed UFO's, whatever. When it spots prey, it shaves its beard and uses telekinetic 1337 skills to create an expanding hyper magnetic field, jamming all communication (This tactic would later on be used in World War MMXIV, when the USA accidentally bombed their own nuclear facilities). After the ship has lost communcation with the outer world, it emerges from the water and issues its evil laugh. It then grabs the prey in its grubby hands and eats it, making it disappear from the radar. Once a penguin managed to escape, but it had teeth marks all over it. Triangular teeth marks..
[edit] Religion
Not much is known about the cultural beliefs of this creature, but it has been said it have told L. Ron Hubbard the prophecy of what is now known as Scientology. But of its selfless acts of ridding the oceans of evil, it is believed to be Mormon, and as such it is to be hated. Since the Mormons are a specie indigenous to the USA, it is believed that the Bermuda Triangle is actually a secret government project which was set up after the foundation of Atlantis.
[edit] What to do when you spot one
There is no known defence against the Bermuda Triangle. In fact, everyone that's spotted it got eaten. This article is based on a series of facts from wayward sailors that were out at sea when the attacks happened during the fog. Having only 1 leg, a grey beard, and a scarred face, the source is known to be 100% correct.
However, if "no known defence" fails, you could always try adopting the fetal position and crying like a small child. This is unlikely to help, but will provide a more entertaining meal for Mr. Triangle.
One last option would be to unleash a grue on the triangle, but it wouldn't matter cuz the grue would eat you first, before joining the Triangle in a crazy game of Connect 4.
[edit] Favourite TV Show
In a recent interview, the Bermuda Triangle explained that every Sunday it turns on the TV to enjoy President Chávez "Aló Presidente" ("Hello President", in inglish). During the show, that last almost 5 hours straight, Bermuda Triangle became a kind-hearted creature with those rowing-boats that pass near him except, of course, the U.S. imperial tourist boats that, in a few seconds, are hijacked and force to watch the whole show with him in his underwater TV room.
[edit] Alternate Theory
It is believed by many experts that the phenomena often attributed to the Bermuda Triangle are in actuality caused by a nest of sugargliders devouring ships to get at their favoured prey, humans.
[edit] A Second Alternate Theory
The Bermuda Triangle is home to a horrible, 70ft(89,652Km) long and 30ft(129,011Km) wide man-eating sea monster. The sea monster has many long, sharp, teeth and claws which it uses for eating people. It also is camouflaged with the water and has telepathic abilities nearly as strong as the X-Men's Professor X. The U.S Navy and Coast Guard denies that there is anything unusual about the Bermuda Triangle because they are actually working with the sea monster. They, too, like the sea monster, enjoy eating people.
[edit] The Real Cause behind the Bermuda Triangle
Apparently, as many jedi claim, God created the Bermuda Triangle when he was in maths class and tried to draw a square but failed epically. In his anger he filled it with loads of shit and stuff and now its just.....poo really. In 2007, a video, filmed by a sailor lost in the Bermuda Triangle, was found on an abandoned ship within the triangle. During the video, the ship entered a mysterious fog bank. The ship's engines failed, and the ghosts of dead Teletubbies floated out of the fog and brutally murdered the entire crew with axes, knives, and fishing spears. The ghostly Teletubbies gathered the bodies into a pile and burned them to ashes as they joined hands and floated in circles around the fire. Scientists believe that these were the ghosts of a group of Teletubbies killed in the late 1600s, when pirates raided their annual "Tubby Custard Festival" on Teletubby Island, the center of the Bermuda Triangle.
[edit] See also
- Pink Triangle
- The Bermuda Square
- I Fucking Hate the Bermuda Triangle
- Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire
- Triangular theory of love
