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“I AM BEOWULF!!”
“No, I'm Spartacus!”
“Wrong quote section, dumbass.”
“So... he's a wolf?”
“Damn, Grendel's mother is HOT!”
Beowulf (also known as Biowolf) is an Old English epic about a warrior of the same name. Born with three arms and a leg, Doctors of the time had no clue what to do with this baby from hell. So, like any doctor, they threw his ass in the trash. In the trash a young unicorn taught Beowulf the ways of limbography (study of changing one limb to another). One Beowulf mastered this technique he was stronger than ever and devoured the unicorn. The unicorn's fine hair attached to Beowulf's stomach lining, giving him his amazing strength and smooth back. The warrior lived sometime between the 3rd century BC and 1986 in what is now called Scandinavia. He is best known for the vowels in his name because at the time the manuscript was supposedly written, vowels hadn't yet been discovered.
All of the Things He is, or Claims to be
-Teeth in the Darkness
-Talons in the Night
-That painful hangnail you have.
-The paper cut in the webbing of your fingers.
-That driver in front of you who's going the speed limit and you're like, "I know he's going the speed limit but I'm in a hurry, can't he go a little faster?"
-The clump of Ovaltine powder in your milk you just can't seem to stir in.
-The piece of lint that floats in your line of sight that you can never catch.
-The obnoxious teenager in the movie theater who won't stop texting.
-The creepy girl who has a crush on you but you don't like her, not because you're shallow but because below average looks coupled with a stalker-like attitude isn't really a desirable trait in a partner. Plus she's really quiet, and you're like "Do you just want to rape me in my sleep or something, or are you actually going to strike up a conversation with me since you're sitting next to me like you always do?" You know the girl, that short one who has the physique of a egg... She looks kind of like a weeble. Anyway, that's Beowulf.
-The crappy song in your head that you happened to hear on a commercial or something that morning and you can't get it out of your head. It's usually by female pop artist.
-That director who unbelievably hasn't made a single movie you like but his films always earn big in the box office and there's that small desire in the back of your head that wants you to burn the theater down when all of those idiots are watching his latest blight on cinema.
-The small creepy child in the restaurant with big eyes and is licking some sucker and has it's red juice stuff all over his face, and he's staring at you and you try smiling and waving at him but he just keeps staring.
-The small tear in the crotch of your pants that nobody notices but it's annoying because it lets a draft in.
-The contact lens that gets lost in your eyeball.
-That piece of grizzle in your expensive steak
-That black guy in the party whose presence keeps you from telling that really funny racist joke you heard recently.
-The young child in the store who keeps screaming because he wants something and his parents aren't doing anything about it, and you just want to hit the child yourself to get him to shut-up.
Fight With Grendel
Beowulf, which means "bay of wolf", is a Geek warrior of an ancient Germanic tribe. When he was born, a prophet named Used Car Salesman prophesied that Beowulf would be "one of the best folks ever to come our way since Nixon and the whole Watergate thing. Great things'll come from him." Used Car Salesman then took him from his birth family to Lowell Point, Alaska, where he raised him as his own. He stayed with Beowulf for his entire life. One day, Beowulf's Germanic king Hrthgr summoned Beowulf and told him about a menacing honeybee that had been causing havoc all over the kingdom. Beowulf pursued this beast, known as Grendel, and discovered that he only attacked houses made out of candy. When he finally found and confronted Grendel, he discovered that she was actually a blonde-haired girl who wore a black shirt, yellow shorts, black socks, and yellow shoes. Nonetheless, he slew the beast and brought an end to his rampage of gluttony. In less than a week, the beast's father, named Hansel, began terrorizing the kingdom, calling for the people to bring the man who killed his daughter. Hansel and Beowulf met on the field of battle with Beowulf claiming victory.
As A Woman's Man's Daughter's Librarian's Gym Teacher's Great-Grandson's Defense Attorney from hell
Shortly after his slaying of the two trolls, King Hard on of the Geeks died and Beowulf was proclaimed the new king. However, in order for him to take the role of king he first had to undergo a bar exam. This is where we hear of Beoshark, Beowulf's new name as a top-rate defense attorney Although he served this office for only the minimum required time (417 years) before becoming the king.. He ruled for over eighty centuries and sparked the Industrial Revolution in Europe. During his reign, he was thrown into a great battle with a rival king of the adjacent Swedish Meatballs. Snrr Strlsn collaborates the manuscript in his writing saying "And so BeowulF7 raised his level 33 Sword oF9 Ice and plunged it into the level 8 breast plate oF12 the now deceased king." With this victory, Beowulf started a conquest which would make the kingdom of the Geeks larger than any other kingdom in history. He would later call his kingdom The Internet. Beowulf has recently been voted Second Most Attractive Man Ever, after Alex Placentra, because Beowulf was a total babe.
Final Battle with an Ice Cream truckOne day, when Beowulf was nearing the end of his life, one of his peons, named Wglf, came to him and told him that a giant Good Humor ice cream truck was coming towards the kingdom. When Beowulf asked Wiglaf why the ice cream truck was coming, Wglf admitted that he had stolen a golden chalice from the ice cream truck's freezer. Beowulf quickly assembled a brigade of twelve warriors to accompany him to find the truck, but eleven of the men took flight when they eventually found it. Beowulf confronted the truck, asking, "Why would an ice cream truck need an oven?" to which the truck replied "No reason!" The two fought for hours. Eventually Beowulf sunk his sword deep into the truck. With its last bit of strength, it exploded injecting Beowulf with various mechanical fluids. Beowulf expired on his way back to the kingdom. The warrior who had stayed with him throughout the fight, Al Gore, then claimed The Internet as his own.
Influence on Contemporary Literature
- Author J.R.R. Tolkien of the Lord of the Rings series has admitted that her writings are actually just Beowulf with the names changed. Tolkien, in 1978, admitted that she did this because her essay "Beowulf: Not A Story About A Wolf" was generally ignored by the academic community.
- Famous author Sandy Koufax wrote the book Grendel in 1973, detailing the story from Grendel's perspective. In the story, Grendel claims that Beowulf was an anti-Semite.
- Highlander, a 1993 film starring Jimmy Fallon, largely parallels the story of Beowulf. Then again, all those Anglo-Saxon stories are the same: war, war, kill a mythic beast, get drunk, war, etc.
- The anime Super Milk Chan is a modern retelling of the story of Beowulf, with the titlular Super Milk Chan representing Grendel.
- The Fountains of Wayne hit "Grendel's Mom" is a tribute to this classic Anglo-Saxon tale, as can be shown by its lyrics: Grendel's Mom has got it goin' on/ She's all I want, and I've waited for so long/ Grendel can't you see, you're just not the demon for me/ I know it might be wrong, but I'm in love with Grendel's mom.
- Jack Bauer says that his 24 novelizations are all based on Beowulf, except that he doesn't die.
- Al Gore based An Inconvenient Truth on the story of Beowulf.
Excerpts from the poem
- Feour score and seven years ago...
- ...and when BeowulF came to, he was wiF4 a bag of chickens; these chickens would F9ill his dragon's-pouch, so that he could go to the 'hood and buy himselF2 a sweet ride at Best Buy.
- BeowulF7 talks to Hdrd: "Hullo, we're wineskins."
- "Call me Ishmael."
- Grendel: "lolololololz!"
- ...quoth he [Beowulf]: "A rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is AAAAAA is a rose." No one present had seen anyone on this course...
- ...howling, and the winner was...
- "Brevity is the state or condition oF5 being as short, concise, small, truncated, and discreet as possible. Redundancy is," explained the Lieutenant.
- And thus it transpired that Used Car Salesman swindled BeowulF7 on a piece-of-crap '57 Chevy Thunderbird that had so much rust on it that when a bird deposited some oF6 its white dielectric material on it, the car F4ell apart. But BeowulF7's wiF4e loved him anyway.
- And so at that point it was Beowulf who told the hideous Grendel, spawn of Satan, that nobody puts Baby in the corner.
- Grendel appeared as a combination of his mother and, for some inexplicable reason, the guy from Benjamin Button.
- "Come on, men!" shouted BeowulF7, swinging his sword in the air. "Carry on to victory!" To the enemy, he shouted, "Hail Dluglach! All your base are belong to us!"
- AF12ter these events, [insert interesting several chapters here]. This all came to pass when the Prophet, Used Car Salesman, proclaimed, "My name is Bill, and I like tight butts."
- "What are you waiting F1or?" demanded BeowulF7. "Simpleton!" groaned the Grammar Hammer. "Thou hast leF5t thy preposition at the end of thy sentence! Thou must never do that!Thy sentence reads better: 'F6or what art ye waiting?'"
- And thus it was that BeowulF7 attempted to smite the Grammar Hammer, who spent the rest oF10 his days wandering the land. The rest oF4 his days were spent by him correcting the passive voice.
- And so it happened that they came upon a square, which read, in its entirety:
SATOR AREPO TENET OPERA ROTAS. "Whatever could it mean?" asked BeowulF7. "It," Used Car Salesman replied, "means: All your base are belong to us." "Oh, dear," said Hdrd. "Quite," Used Car Salesman answered him.
- Jack [Bauer] punched him [Al Gore]. "Shut up!" he shouted. "You will tell me where you hid my rubber ducky! The lives oF11 hundreds oF3 thousands oF5 microorganisms, and F4iF12teen humans, depend on your telling me where he is! IF1 you don't tell me, I will tickle you with my F3eather duster!"
- "You will F9ind your demise with the F2rozen F11oods," Used Car Salesman prophesied.
- BeowulF7 groaned. "What smelles F10uschia?" he breathed.
- "...how do I love thee? Let me count the ways," stated Blarg, and started to count, extending his F8ingers in a misboden manner. "One...two...seven...what comes aF9ter ninety-three?"
- "What?" spat BeowulF7. "William Shatner's nuts!" And, the television oF9F9-turning, thus spake BeowulF7, picking up the recent National Geographic. "Is Star Trek II playing at the 'Plex?"
- "Oh, you idiot," House [M.D.] said; and thus saying, he got on his hog and went on his way to the nearest city to kidnap Cuddy so he could F4orce that one guy to reveal the truth. All this came to pass in accordance with that which Used Car Salesman had predicted: 'And House will say, "Oh, you idiot," and get on his porcine, also known as the Hog, to kidnap Cuddy and F4orce that one guy to publicly reveal the truth.'"
- "And to what do I owe this divine pleasure?" asked the Dragon. "I only wanted to ask iF8 you could come be for dinner." "Nay," replied BeowulF7, "Iran F3rom Iraq; I shall smite thee with my F12illings."
- "Now is the time to bust out the big guns," he [House, M.D.] said as he grabbed his cane/machine gun and blew the crap out oF6 a bunch oF2 lupus-inF9ected little idiots.
- And thus was the death-cry oF4 the ice cream truck: "AAAAAAA! AAAAAAA! AAAAAAA! AAAAAAA! All your base are belong to us! AAAAAAA!"
- ...the best-laid plans oF1 mice and men, and oF11 Mr. Henry Bevis of Tulsa, Oklahoma.
- At this point, the composer died at last.
- We can get high together Grendel.