Benjy Bronk
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“Run, Benjy, Run!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Benjy Bronk
Benjy 'Zax Alien Prince' Denver Ford Bucking Bronk (born September 4, 1924) claims to be a male, a writer, and a comedian on something he calls The Howard Stern Show, but only if you give him twenty minutes to "sort of" answer the question, or five to remove his clothes. Stern has said that Bronk is an unwanted necessity on the show, but Bronk has those photographs of Stern with Ralph Cirella, Andy Dick and something known only as the "Tower of Power" in the Bahamas. Stern claims that Bronk only does shtick (which he describes as "off the leash"), unlike Howard's "forthright honesty", but Bronk points out that of course that itself is shtick, as when the microphones go off, Howard goes into ultra-conservative "Mr. Family Man/Normal Guy" mode, whereas Bronk continues to sweat, eat pounds of salad and speak in conundrums. Bronk and Artie Lange, Stern's sidekick, are competing against each other in a "beached whale" contest.
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[edit] Early life
Bronk was born in 1924. His parents, Brenda and Bob Abui Bronk, named him after the family dog, Zax, which they rescued from the den of a cougar at Camp Joe. Benjy was raised in Clem-Billy-Bobson, West Carolina, where he occasionally attended Daniel Carver High School. In 1851, he earned a Ph.D. in Quantum Cartography from Pencil State College's 2B campus, with a dissertation on "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help the US, eruh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for our children." While at Pencil State, he was a Grand Wizard in the O-Qua Tangin Wann Fraterinty. Bronk may have been destined for his role on the Howard Stern Show, as he was voted "Most Likely to Become a Clown" three years in a row.
[edit] Joining The Howard Stern Show
Benjy began working for Howard Stern in Hartford Connecticut in 1978 as Stern's bagel warmer. In 1985, he was promoted to coffee maker for the entire on-air staff. Out of boredom, Bronk wrote vaguely-remembered bathroom stall graffiti on the styrofoam coffee cups which, by 2007, led to Benjy fulfilling Jackie Martling's former role as "the guy with really gross toenails." Bronk also writes for fellow Stern cast member Artie Lange, passing pieces of paper to Lange that he can then use to order items such as pepperoni rolls, cinnamon buns and Ding Dongs without having to stop chewing.
Benjy also regularly has sex with female guests who appear on the Stern show, such as Anna Nicole Smith (prior to her death).
Benjy has been frequently accused by jealous colleagues of lying about his age, which he claims is a semi-rational number that can derived from second-order linear partial differential equations describing the propagation of a variety of waves, such as sound waves, light waves and water waves.
[edit] The Benjy Bronk Show
This is an imaginary show that Bronk performs in his mind most Mondays through Thursdays from 6:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m. While performing the show, Bronk will occasionally break from his trance and say "boobies."
[edit] Political statements
Bronk has claimed to be a Chomskian, right-leaning socio-syndicalist-monarchist, favoring an economic system that would require all businesses to be unlimited liability partnerships (ULPs) initially funded by selling used women's underwear on eBay.
[edit] Trivia
- He was thrown out of the Rosie O'Donnell Celebrity Rump Roast for trying to put Gene Simmons make-up on the food.
- Walked from New York City to Kansas over the Howard Stern Show's holiday break in 2006.
- Was rumoured to be romantically involved with Andrew Dice Clay.
- Is distantly related to Sun Ra, who is from Saturn.
- Invented radio, comedy writing, and Andy Kaufman.
- Will never tell anyone, not even Howard, of his days in a Vietnam POW camp
- If Murder Inc. birthed a pimp that was a retarded jerk, that would be Benjy
- Will not be invited to Howard Stern's wedding and/or should be banned from it
