Benjamin Sisko

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

“It's a faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!”

~ Sisko on the new Star Trek movie

Sisko in his Highschool days on his Spoonball team.

Captain Benjamin Sisko, also known as Benny and Hawk, was (will be?) a high school principal and commander of a Space Station built by aliens with spoons on their foreheads. He also played a character by the same name in Deep Space Nine a show in some hippie series called Star Trek. It was pretty good, had Ferengi and the Dominion, you should watch it. This Article is about the guy in the TV show rather than the actor who acutally changed his name to Avery Brooks to avoid confusion with the fictional character he played. This is different than the case of William Shanter who changed his name to Captain Kirk.

[edit] Early Years

Benjamin Sisko was born on earth...somewhere. I think it was the east coast of North America, possibly San Francisco (hey what do ya know?), but that might have been me not paying as much attention to the show than I should have. Let's just say he's American. Or what would have been called American in our time. But I digress. His dad was a cook and his mother was a dead person (Dad had a better job if you ask me). So Sisko, while a good cook, decided he was gonna go fly around space sometime between the age of 0 and the age of, oh let's say, 20. If I acutally bothered to do some research I could probably add a bit to this but no, just no, that's not for me. I didn't do research for that grade 12 history essay I'm not going to do it for this.

[edit] Early Starfleet Career

As part of his entrance exam for Star Fleet academy Sisko had to show them where his brain was. He ended up getting a headache trying to find it.

Sisko had a pretty hot wife, and a baby child named Jake (probably short for Jacob but I can't recall him being called Jacob by anyone at any point in the show). Sisko was aboard the USS Redshirt, one of the many ships of that name who took part in the battle of Wolf 359. I think that Sisko was a Lieutenant or Lieutentant-Commander I think, because he's a Commander at the acutal beggnining of the show and something like 10 years without a promotion would SUCK.

[edit] Battle of Wolf 359

It didn't go well. The borg attacked this random area which I'm not even sure if there were planets there. The borg kicked fucking ass. During the battle pretty much all the ships were asploded. The USS Redshirt was greatly damaged and was abandoning ship. Sisko went looking for his sexy wife Jennifer (me thinks) and found she was dead. Sucks. He took his son and went off and escaped while Picard the Borg pwnd all. On a seperate note I think that Sisko's wife might have been wearing a red sweater.

[edit] DEEP SPACE NINE

After 10 years of fishing on a holodeck with his son Benny gets orders from Star Fleet that he is being stationed at Terrok Nor, a crappy space station that was pretty much the equivilent of a concentration camp during the Cardassian occupation of Bajor. For some reason the Bajorans thought it would be good to replace one Alien overlord with another.

Sisko and his son move to the newly named Deep Space Nine and meet Kira Nerris; a kinda good looking Bajorin chick who wears all red but survives the whole series, Odo; a weird fucking morphamajig, Doctor Bashir; a British white guy who's aparently arab, Quark; big ears, Chief O'Brian; an enlisted Irish guy who got kicked off the Enterprise but is aparently the best that Star Fleet could spare to head the engineering on the station, Jadiza Dax; a hot girl with spots who has a thingy in her that used to be Sisko's friend or something like that, and the ever sinister Run On Sentance. This is the main cast, there was also another could big eared guys named Nog (like the egg) and Rom (like the CD), Garak, a spoon head who likes clothing, and Morn. Morn was the most useful character on the show and never shut up.

[edit] Season One

Sucked. Sisko finds out he's the Emisary of the Prophets, deities worshiped by the Bajorins. Turns out they exist and they live in a fucking Wormhole that goes to the Gama Quadrant. There's like two quadrants between them if I have my Greek Alphabet right...I probably don't. That's pretty much the only important thing to happen in season 1. It was too much like TNG so it sucked.

[edit] Season Two

Sucked but a little less. In this season Sisko fought the Maquis, a band of Federation Rebbles who thought it was ballz that the Federation was giving their homes back to the Cardassians. Quite frankly it was, I think they had every right to stick it to 'em. However the Federation didn't agree so shit went down. The season finale the crew met the Jem'Hadar, bad ass dino-men and the Vorta...aliens that are...not human. This was acutally a good thing because this introduced the Dominion, a kinda anti-Federation that without them the show woulda sucked.

[edit] Season Three

I dunno I didn't have this season on DVD, some stuff went down with the Dominion I'm sure and probably in this season something about a treaty between the Cardasians and the Dominon.

[edit] Season Four

If it wasn't in the previous season this one probably had the defense treaty with the Dominion and the Spoon Heads. Then I guess in the season finale the Klingons declared war with the Cardasians and for some stupid reason the Federation's peace treaty with the Cardasians was more important than the peace treaty with the Klingons. I dunno I didn't see this season either, but this is kinda where the show got really good I think. Also I believe that Comander Worf (AKA AWESOME) came into the show in this season. Didn't have this season either.

[edit] Season Five

This is yet another season I didn't have the DVD but sometime in this season the War agaisnt the Klingons end and they become allies again and then they go to war against the Cardsians and the Dominion. Good choice. Well not good cause it's war, but if you have to go to war it's a better enemy to choose to go to war against. Something about the general of the Klingons being a changeling. I dunno. So ya. Next.

[edit] Season Six

Aparently it's a fake. I wouldn't have seen that coming.

This is a season I acutally had on DVD. Things that Sisko did in this season. The Cardasians had control of station at the begginning of this season somehow and then the Federation takes it back. Oh Sisko now has a ship called the Defiant and is a Captain. Awesome right? Right. So Sisko becomes an accomplise to political assasination which brings the Romulaans into the war on the side of good (Federation and Klingons). Blah blah blah, Season Finale Dax get's killed it's all very sad. NEXT.

[edit] Season Seven

Yet another Season I had on DVD. Pretty good. Dax comes back but hotter, or more cute at least, and Sisko had a bad trip where he's a writer in the 50s and everyone hates black people (completely unlike today...I'M LOOKING AT YOU NEO-NAZIS...jackasses). That might have been season six acutally I don't know. Quite frankly, writing this at 230 in the morning with a very unspecific memory concerning these shows, means that probably 75 percent of this is wrong. Back to the stroy. Hotter Dax and then the War ends when they concure Cardasia (also known as spoon head land) and then Sisko convinces the Prophets to not let the on coming Dominion fleet get through the wormwhole (but once again that might have been in a earlier season). The Prophets make Sisko one of them, shit goes down. Fin.

[edit] Star Trek Novels

NOT CONSIDERED CANNON AND I HAVEN'T BEEN READING THEM MOVING ON!

[edit] Incidents

[edit] Writer Drug Trip

Benjamin Sisko collapsed one day randomly in the station. This was fairly far along in the show, something like the sixth season so this story seemed kinda useless. HOWEVER it was a really good episode so I'm not complaining. Anyways Sisko suddenly became Benny, a negro writer. At the time Negro was considered polite but now it's a racist thing to say. So he was black writer and everyone called him a Negro but none of the readers of the magazine knew that he was black. He writes a story about a space station called Deep Space Nine (O_o). He gets beaten up by some white cops played by Dukat and Wayune and then every one says they like his story but they can't print it because people don't like black people. Sucks. He wakes up and is Sisko again. WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT!

[edit] Sisko vs Kirk

Reason's Why Sisko is Better.

1. Sisko had a crappy old space station made by the cardassians, but it's still more advance than Kirk's ship.
2. Kirk's Engineer was Scotish, Sisko's was Scotish.
3. Sisko acutally fought in wars, Kirk's were just vaguely spoken about in Captain's Logs.
4. Sisko's head of security had a flat face, Kirk's security officers died every episode.
5. If Kirk had been in command of Deep Space Nine then he wouldn't have ended the war against the Klingons and the Dominion would have won. Fucking racist.
6. 

   

   Sisko would never have sucked his cock. ...Not that there's anything wrong with that
7. Sisko had a Klingon on his crew, Kirk was a racist fuck.
8. Sisko's space station and ship didn't run on technology that was obsolete two centuries before it was built.
9. Sisko had a kid. Kirk had a kid too but Kirk didn't meat him till his son was something like 25.
10. Sisko had a kid. Kirk had a kid too but Kirk's kid was a bastard.
11. Sisko had a kid. Kirk had a kid too but at least Sisko's wasn't named David.

[edit] Sisko vs Picard

Reason's Why Sisko is Better.

1. Picard may have had Worf first but he was a pussy under Piccard and didn't become awesome until DS9.
2. Picard never realised what O'Brien could do, under Sisko O'Brien put LaForge to shame.
3. Sisko may have had Rom in his engineering staff but at least Rom wasn't blind.
4. Picard tries to negotiate with Q, Sisko punched him.
5. Picard was bald. Sisko was bald too but it was by choice and looked more awesome.
6. Archer started off too much like Picard so they changed him halfway through the series and made him more like Sisko.
7. Picard talks to Cardasians, Sisko kicks their asses.
8. If Picard had met the Dominion first he would have negotiated the surrender of the Federatoin to them. He's just that French.
9. 

   

   Sisko would have known what this shit is.
10. 

    

    Picard needs a Phaser to do this. Sisko would have called upon the power of the prophets to do that if wanted to.
11. 

    

    Sisko would never EVER dress like this. THANK ROBOT JESUS!
12. Sisko might have had Nog and Rom but he never had Wesley Crusher.
13. Picard fought Ferengi as if they were serious enemies, with Sisko they were comic relief.
14. Picard always has Tea Earl Grey Hot from the replicator, Sisko cooks his own food.
15. Picard had 10 forward, Sisko had Quarks bar.
16. Picard's bar tender wasn't Quark
17. Sisko's bar tender wasn't Whoopy Goldberg.
18. Sisko had kids.
19. Members of Picard's crew may have been brought onto DS9 but that's when they became awesome anyways.
20. Kira Nerys
21. Cassidy Yates
22. Jadzia Dax
23. Ezi Dax
24. Sisko's doctor was genetically enhanced and had to make an effort not to be too much more awesome than everybody else.
25. Picard negotiates, Sisko wins wars.
26. Sisko could get laid when ever he wants.
27. Sisko had a Goatee.
28. Sisko's hung like a black dude.
29. Sisko never had an android on his crew but if he did it'd have lasers in his eyes and swords for arms.
30. Sisko's chief of security can morph to look like anything he wants to, and I guarantee you it wouldn't be Picard.
31. Sisko doesn't sing about french monks who can't wake up.
32. Picard makes wine, Sisko makes foodgasms.
33. Sisko drinks Ractagino not Earl Grey tea.
34. Sisko likes baseball (although this one might not be so much on the good side)
35. Picard negotiates with Romulans, Sisko fucking blows one up and accomplishes more in that one episode than Picard did in his entire series.

[edit] Sisko vs Janeway

Reason's Why Sisko is Better.

1. Sisko would have found a way to blow up the caretaker array and get back to the Alpha Quadrent at the same time.
2. Both Sisko and Janeway traveled to distant parts of the galaxy, the only difference is that Sisko makes it home by the end of the episode.
3. It took a whole fleet of Cardasian and Dominion ships to take over DS9, It took only one Cardasian to take over Voyager.
4. Both had self aware holographic programs but Sisko's wasn't a douche face.
5. 

   

   Yeah...Let's just...yeah...no.
6. Neelix.
7. Kes.

[edit] Sisko vs Archer

Reason's Why Sisko is Better.

1. Sisko's doctor wasn't related to a blowfish.
2. Archer had to fight Augments and it was a great deal of trouble to him. Sisko has an Augment under his command.
3. Archer started too much like Picard and to they had to change him to be more like Sisko.
4. Two words: AVERY BROOKS!
5. Jadzia/Kira fics.
6. Ezri/Kira fics.
7. Ezri/Jadzia fics.
8. Kira/Ro...wait no scratch that. And besides that's expanded universe, and we all know the expanded universe doesn't exist.
9. Sisko had time for two wars in his show, and he finished both of them, Archer was canceled before he got to his first.
10. Archer's chief of security was British. Sisko's chief of security could turn into a British person, but he never chose to.
11. Sisko never had to rely on bull shit episodes where Archer's crew meets an alien race that won't be met again till Sisko's time and then forget to report it to Starfleet. IE the Borg.
12. Archer never met Q, Sisko punched him in the face.