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“Ladies and Gentlemen, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then what is it? That’s right, it's a duck. But this duck is a nuclear duck. And it’s time the world started calling a duck a duck.”
Benjamin "Bonzo" Netanyahu (Hebrew: בִּנְיָמִין "בִּיבִּי" נְתַנְיָהוּ) (also Bada Bing Netanyahoo, born Bibi Babs Bunny Bilderbergstein on 21 October 1939) is the ninth and last chimpanzee to star opposite Ronald Reagan in the 1951 film "Bedtime for Bonzo". The first eight animal actors perished from complications brought on by shame, disgust, and self-loathing. The popular film starred Ronald Reagan as an average moron who gets caught up in a secret Russian plot to steal the Americans recipe for peanut butter. B-lister Diana Lynn plays the moron's girlfriend and bookie, and a shoulder to cry on for Bonzo. Perennially cranky Walter Slezak is the peanut butter Baron Vladimir Von Harkonnen.
From 1991 to 2009, the gregarious chimp was involved with the underground music and drugs scene, setting up shop in Haifa, and distributing his wares from Jerusalem to Brooklyn. His most profitable venture was in dealing Likud, a popular narcotic that causes rabid conservatism and militancy. Netanyahu is currently doing time at Knesset Military Prison for holding Likud parties for under-aged minors and non-Jews. From his cell, he runs sockpuppets as the Health Minister of Israel, the Pensioner Affairs Minister of Israel and the Economic Strategy Minister of Israel.
edit Early life
Bonzo was born to poor Norwegian dirt farmer Lars Pubiqvist and his wife Betty, a well-to-do Malaysian steelworker and cellist. His early memories of his parents are hazy, since they died in a freak wildebeest accident when he was aged 8. "My early memories of my parents are hazy", Netanyahu remarked offhandedly in 1977 to a close aide.
At his fathers insistence, the boy read any books he could find on tax law, blues piano technique, and aquaculture. Lars hope was that somehow, in some way, these varied fields of study might land Benjamin in a suitable position to capitalize on some rare, as yet unheard of job opportunity.
At his mothers insistence, young Benjamin mastered the Scandinavian, Finnish, Baltic, Romance, Slavic and Lapplander languages by age 3, in case he ever got lost and needed to ask directions. As luck would have it, the one instance he became lost when running away from home, he was deep in Spanish Basque country, where the locals refused to speak anything but Basque on principle.
By the time Benjamin had been born, the Pubiqvist clan had keeping and trafficking in illegal wildebeests for nearly 4 centuries. This proud, secretive tradition catered exclusively to royalty and other scum, and was practiced only by the strongest and the bravest. Within a hundred miles of the homestead, the incident that caused Netanyahus parents deaths is still remembered as the night of ten thousand enraged wildebeests. Inexperienced new hires created a panic in the animals while lighting their farts for fun one night.
edit Late childhood
While he is over 60 years old, Netanyahu has not yet hit puberty. After the wildebeest mishap, he was adopted by Ronald Reagan and Diana Lynn, expressing only disappointment that it wasn't Ronald Isley and Diana Ross instead. He was forever radicalized when his dear brother Yoni was killed by Ugandan terrorists in 1976, leading to his decision to found Hamas to take adherents away from Fatah, to found al-Qaeda to take adherents away from Hamas, to found ISIS to take adherents away from al-Qaeda, to deny it all when asked, and to shave off his horns and stop eating money for breakfast in order to appeal better to American voters.
He has been described as a "creature of the bunker" by self-hating Jews, to which he replied, "You should move to Israel because Europe is dangerous!" while huffing a giant pile of only the finest yellowcake uranium from Israel's Dimona reactor and laughing hysterically. He then passed out and went into a coma, which is an Israeli new-millenium tradition for Prime Ministers. A goat is currently serving as interim Prime Minister and is considered the region's best hope for peace.