Benjamin Franklinstein

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Benjamin Franklinstein

Benjamin Franklinstein, scientist and zombie statesman.

Benjamin Franklinstein (January 17, 1706 – April 17, 1790; then April 1, 1975 – present) or A Colonial Prometheus as he was sometimes called, was one of the most influential early American leaders, particularly in the field of undead rights, as well as a popular scientist, politician, and occasionally even a writer. Outside of politics he is relatively famous as as the inventor of Jolt Cola, a caffeinated beverage developed during the 1980s along with a close friend and collaborator, the late physicist Dr. Đùşśąŀəĥøæß. Apart from his many accomplishments, Franklinstein is probably best known as the only Founding Father to have been born a zombie, and consequently is also the only one who remains (un)alive today.

edit Birth and early career

Franklinstein was born in the small town of Nowhere, Massachusetts, and although his parents' identities have yet to be confirmed, he is popularly believed to be the son of the Wicked Witch of the West and her illegitimate lover Oprah. He was educated overseas in Britain to escape the then-pending No Child Left Behind Act, but soon dropped out of school so he could run his printing press – originally started as a simple hobby – as a full-time job. This decision was due primarily to the success of his popular Poor Drunkard's Almanack, widely considered to be one of the first reference sources written in SPOV, and possibly the only one which does not once mention Oscar Wilde, as the latter was born considerably after Franklinstein's death.

Upon returning to the United States in 1727 (having spent the majority of his time up to this point bumming around in England), Franklinstein became involved in local politics. He was particularly interested in the rights of the undead, owing in part to the fact that both of his parents were zombies, and during this time he was perhaps best known as an early supporter of the No More Room In Hell Act. However, he quickly dropped out of local politics following a near successful shooting on April 22, 1731, an event which left him painfully aware of his own fragile post-mortality, and did not become involved with these strange bedfellows again until the end of his "natural" life, when he attempted his failed bid to add "rights of the semi-deceased" into the new nation's Constitution.

In his spare time, Franklinstein often enjoyed inventing, with a particular nod towards torture devices and tools for effective genocide. His best-known creation prior to his full-time scientific career is the Franklinstein oven, which was capable of killing up to fifty people at one time while simultaneously providing enough heat to warm the house or even cook dinner. No ovens were built during either of his lifetimes, but during the 1940s (while he was still dead) Adolf Hitler ordered several to be delivered to his winter home in Germany, as recent energy shortages had brought about a sudden increase in demand for more efficient heating systems. He is also credited with the invention of rose-colored bifocals, the first type of glasses to improve one's vision of what one desires to see, and which even today remain wildly popular in the field of American politics.

A final discovery, often overlooked against the backdrop of his other accomplishments, is the discovery of cooling by evaporation, or constantly dumping cold water on top of someone and kicking them outside into the wind and snow in order to freeze them to death. It is rumored that Franklinstein proved the "unfortunate effectiveness" of this discovery while on vacation in Antarctica, when he accidentally froze his dick off while taking a leak during a bitter rainstorm. This is often used to explain why he had such a poor sex life after his return to America, although recent evidence shows that he was actually quite active during his time in Europe, as zombies were considered very kinky sex partners throughout Britain for much of the early 18th century.

edit Public life

Franklinstein flamethrower

Franklinstein practicing with his flamethrower.

By 1736, the vast number of public and private libraries in existence prompted Franklinstein to establish the Union Fire Company, a volunteer organization which would protect the public from the dangers of literacy until its dissolution in the late 1950s following massive protests led by reformer Ray Bradbury. The Company, which at its peak was staffed by no less than two full-time firemen plus the fearsome Mechanical Cow, ultimately received credit for burning approximately three collections (large and small) worldwide, although the actual number is likely smaller as at least one incident was purely accidental. This successful program was mirrored by many other local governments nationwide, and fire companies continue to serve the public in this manner even today.

Franklinstein was a noted opponent of slavery, and has been quoted as saying that "bondage should only be considered appropriate when both partners agree to it (and preferably are both female)". His views, however, were seldom taken into serious consideration, owing (as one opponent put it) to his "inability to get any action himself, and a clear lack of any virtues save near-total withdrawal from the public eye".

edit Later career and death

Towards the end of his life, Franklinstein developed a strong interest in science – in particular, anything related electricity. Like his then-living counterpart, Franklinstein especially enjoyed flying kites. In fact, it was during one of his kite-flying expeditions that Franklinstein developed a severe case of lifeendus fatalitus, a non-communicable but extremely common disease, from which he died mere nanoseconds later.

According to contemporary reports, Franklinstein had been riding his bicycle, described by neighbors as "a rustye olde piece of shit," with his kite tied to the back for safekeeping. He had taken his house key from under the mat, and the same neighbor reported that "neither keye nor that creepye Bastard Franklinstein returned". His charred and blackened body was found lying on the side of the road, and although most of it was intact, his head had apparently exploded. (Medical experts believe he was struck by lightning, and that the sheer shock had caused the scar on the side of his face to burst open, from which everything else resulted. The whereabouts of the key are still unknown.)

Shortly after his death, a controversial paper was published by Franklenstein's window in various scientific journals. The paper, On the Possible Effects of Urinating on an Electrically-Charged Transportation Channel, described an experiment by which a cathether (or "piss tube" as Franklinstein called it) could be used to simulate peeing on a railway's third rail. His own hypothesis predicted that if one were to test the theory, he/she would be arrested for indecent exposure, but so far this has remained mostly unconfirmed.

edit Resuscitation and scientific career


Franklinstein's left hand fell off at the Signing of the Constitution, prompting the other Founding Fathers to give him funny looks, but he nonetheless insisted he must stay. He was the only one present who literally signed in blood.

While Franklinstein himself seemed to have no objections to his lifeless state, there were others who desired to bring the fat green statesman back. Most notable of these "revitalists" was Stanislavian physicist Dr. Đùşśąŀəĥøæß, who spent more than a decade (beginning in 1967) painstakingly searching for and collecting the pieces of the zombie's body. Finally, with the aid of up-to-date medical textbooks and internationally-renowned experts, Đùşśąŀəĥøæß managed to resuscitate the extremely elderly statesman, the first step in a long and intimate relationship.

Franklinstein's most important scientific breakthrough was in 1985, when he and Đùşśąŀəĥøæß perfected the formula for Jolt Cola, a caffeinated and slightly dubiously legal carbonated beverage known worldwide for a tremendous cult following. The drink, which remains highly controversial due to its radioactive nature and unstable chemical composition, was nonetheless successful enough that the two scientists became common household names. Even today, Jolt Cola is considered one of the best drinks ever made, although the phenomenon has recently declined due to poor marketing and the unpopular new "battery bottle".

edit Recent status

In spite of his near-celebrity status – or perhaps because of it – Franklinstein has become somewhat eccentric and reclusive in recent years. He does not have Internet access (but somehow does have a Gamespot account) or even a telephone, and all letters mailed to him as of 2007 are returned unanswered, although sometimes the envelope is covered with an unidentifiable green slime.

On Novembruary 5, 2006, his close friend Dr. Đùşśąŀəĥøæß gave an exclusive interview on UnNews about the creation and initial marketing of Jolt Cola. The next day, Đùşśąŀəĥøæß was found dead in the upstairs bedroom of his mansion in Transylvania, New York; an autopsy revealed that he had been poisoned with a substance similar to sulfuric acid or H2SO4, believed to be the main ingredient in Jolt Cola. While no trial has yet taken place, some conspiracy theorists believe that Franklinstein may have some connection to the possible murder.

Franklinstein's health has reportedly been in sharp decline since the death of his close friend, and the fact that Đùşśąŀəĥøæß was the sole possessor of the equipment and miscellaneous knowledge necessary to revitalize the dead makes it increasingly likely that if anything happens to Franklinstein, he will not make it into a third life.

edit Trivia

Franklinstein in lab

Franklinstein standing outside the lab where he invented Jolt Cola. He often spent long nights in the lab, frequently testing the drink on himself to stay awake.

  • Franklinstein infamously wears a heavy metal bolt, which runs straight through the back of his neck. In a 1998 interview, he revealed that the bolt (which he has worn since his revitalization in 1975) serves no mechanical or other function, but it is his favorite piece of decorative jewelry.
  • He is infamous for his sharp and sometimes pointed wit. When asked, for example, about the period between 1790 and 1975 – during which he was dead and almost completely forgotten – he responded that "apart from the War of 1812, the Louisiana Purchase, the Civil War, emancipation, the Spanish-American War, World War I, the Great Depression, World War II, the Cold War, the Vietnam War, the Sexual Revolution, recreational drugs, lava lamps, and the release of Dark Side of the Moon, nothing really happened anyway".
    • Franklinstein later claimed he never said any such thing; in his own words, his own words were "who the fuck cares?"
  • He is popularly but erroneously believed to have invented the glass armonica. He himself has stated that he despises the instrument, and that the one good thing about it is that it's nice and fragile, but friends claim he does have a very strong interest in music – in particular electric guitars and really big organs. During a recent remake of Nosferatu, filmed on-location in the east wing of his mansion, he himself composed and recorded the majority of the soundtrack, which he wrote "in a desperate attempt to shatter their bloody eardrums and get them the fuck out of my house".
  • Franklinstein is an ordained minister in the Unglican church, to which he converted at the age of twenty-three after foolishly being pitied by Mr. T (prior to his conversion he was, like most of his family, a devout Deist).

edit See also

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