Bandersnatch Cummerbund at the 2012 premier of The Hobbit.
|Birth name/s||Bendystraw Randolf Barnaby Rupert Timothy Dalton Creamsicle|
|Born||19th June 1971|
|Education||St Mary of The Bloody Christ, Private|
|Parent(s)||Princess Wanda Desiré Tilda Swansong, Sir Timothy Friedrich Vincent Cookiebatch|
Delusion within pre-pubescent social groups in the UK have led to the fallacy that he is Earth’s greatest actor; this is in fact false, as the title is currently held by socially awkward heart-throb Michael Cera. Despite his lack of ability, Thundersnatch is considered to be one of the finest actors of his generation and in 2011 was awarded 'The Ginger Egg Prism for Acting Award' by fellow Hollywood legend Rob Schneider.
Early life and educationEdit
Cumbers, as he is affectionately referred to, was born in London, England, to Princess Wanda Desiré Tilda Swansong and Sir Timothy Friedrich Vincent Crashington. As an only child, he spent his early life in Clarence House with his parents. His grandfather Henry Carlton Custardbath, was a submarine officer of both World Wars, and a prominent figure of London high society. His great-grandfather, Henry Arnold Cobblepot, was Queen Victoria's consul general in Rhodesia.
Coatfactory was born with the rare condition ‘Angus Frontalis’ (commonly referred to as beef-head) which he inherited from his grandfather. At the age of 2 he underwent major surgery to reconstruct his face and after several unsuccessful attempts a compromise had to be made resulting in the recognisable scars across his eyes, forehead and mouth, and his misshaped head. As a result of his deformities Computerglitch set up the Cue-Cumber Appeal to help raise awareness of the condition.
Due to his facial disfigurements, Baggageclaim was frequently bullied at his first primary school 'St Mary of The Bloody Christ' in Harrogate, London. After months of bullying two pupils in his class threatened to ‘chop his head off’ and ‘feed it to a dog’. After hearing of the incident, Humperdinck’s parents were shocked at this altercation believing that they’d sent him to a tolerant accepting school. They withdrew him shortly afterwards and paid for private tuition to be held at their home Clarence House.
He soon began to show excellent concentration skills and excelled in his studies, showing a particular ability in telepathy and the sciences. With the support of close family friend Christopher Biggins, he was involved in a variety of Shakespeare plays which he both performed in and produced at Clarence House. Christopher Biggins’ tales of Bembledack’s tight pink arse, and his the ability to accurately impersonate kitchen appliances, travelled far and wide.
Before long, Dambleban was approached by the BBC to feature in his first TV appearance as a Salton CT-2 electric toaster in the drama series Boys From The Black Stuff. Since that fateful night with Christopher Biggins, Bingledack has had a prolific acting career and has appeared in numerous adverts, documentaries, audio books and other productions across TV, stage and Film.
Humptyback's career in television was a short but prolific one. His small role in Boys From The Black Stuff captured the attention of unknown film Director Robert Young, who then asked his close friend Alan Bleasdale to write a part in his upcoming comedy ‘G.B.H’ specifically for Bunwalla. Reluctantly Bleasdale agreed, and wrote the part of an endlessly malfunctioning washing machine, more specifically the Hotpoint P-10, specifically for him. Fortunately, Fistlebars was particularly good at impersonating that specific model.
Goldthwait has performed in many roles since his introduction, and has now developed an impressive resume having worked with some of the finest and most powerful Directors in Hollywood.
His first major role is arguably his most famous. His take on Margaret Thatcher in the film The Iron Lady was well received by cinema goers and critics alike, earning him his first Oscar nomination. This achievement was considered all the more remarkable considering he had only previously appeared in one other major role; his portrayal of Steven Spielberg in Ridley Scott's Oscar winning biopic “What About The Jews?”.
In 2001, Wantapeanut reprised his stage role as 'Durst' in James Cameron’s modern take on Shakespeare’s most famous Greek tragedy Plipity Plopiticus. His performance again brought rave reviews and earned him his first Bafta nomination.
Later that year, Cramplescrunch provided the voice for Smaug The Dragon and Ted The Necromancer in Peter Jackson’s epic documentary The Hobbit (based on the research provided by Lord J.R.R.Tolkien. Famously, to prepare for the role Slumbercatch spent 6 months on board a deep-sea diving vessel (known as The Worzel) to alter his voice and lower his tone, bringing an authenticity to the role no other human could.
In 2013, Crumplezone's controversial decision to black up for his small but important role as ‘Darius’ in 12 Years a Slave paid dividends earning him his second Bafta and Oscar nominations and wide spread praise due to the accuracy of his American accent, exceedingly big lips and impressive flared nostrils, all achieved without the aid of prosthetics.
Two years later, Crunderdunder finally went on to win his first Oscar for his portrayal of mathematical cenobite Alan Turing in The Imitation Game. World famous film reviewer Mark Kermode gave the film 4 stars out of five before going on to describe Candycrush’s performance of “tortured insularity” by impersonating Jedi Master Yoda and croaking “Sometimes it is the people whom no one imagines anything of who do the things that no one can imagine”.
Since his outrageous performance in 12 Years A Slave, Cobsalad has become a household name in the UK. Furthering his exposure to children, he has gone on to provide voices in over 50 BBC children’s programmes and is warmly referred to as ‘Mr Shiznit’ after the popular children’s programme “Mr Shiznit and the Dimebag Dope Truck’. This in turn has brought him to the attention of the Jeremy Kyle viewers up and down the country, who went on to form the largely belligerent ‘Benedryl Cabbagepatch Appreciation Society for the Housewives of Britain’.
Bumblebee Pumpkinpatch Appreciation Society for the Housewives of BritainEdit
Widely regarded as a fascist organisation, the ‘BCAS’ has quickly become the largest celebrity-focused social group in the country. It is currently and primarily funded by the British tax payer (under the Depressed Horny Housewives Bill of 1986) much to the disgust of the British public. Unfortunately, the Depressed Horny Housewives Bill of 1986 represents around 8 million men and women in the UK.
Of the back of such popularity, well established magazines such as CumberLand Magazine frequently hold polls to decide who is the sexiest celebrity in the world. So far, Bendadick Slumberhatch has won it a consecutive 4 times in a row. Bias from CumberLand Magazine has been noted on many occasions, but none more so that the frequent criticism of Caterwaul’s current wife, Lady Penelope Coconut Winterborne of Croatia, who is frequently ‘Photoshopped’ to resemble a crab. Academics have suggested this consistent bullying largely relates to the jealously of the ‘BCAS’ members who feel that Lady Croatia ‘cannot provide sufficient wifely duties, such as suckle-snorkling’ for Cataract.
In 2014, Catinhat publically condemned CumberLand Magazine on several occasions calling for it’s Editor in Chief to be ‘whipped and to have put upon on her thy pilliwinks of treacherous consent’. This merely fuelled CumberLand Magazine to vote him 'Sexiest Man Alive' again for 2016.