Ben Affleck (Person)

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Ben Affleck was born upon this loving family, who suffer from TPS. Ben takes after his father....right?

“An absolutely retarded person! How he became an actor I'll never know.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Ben Affleck

“I need you more than Ben Affleck needs acting school, he was terrible in Pearl Harbor”

~ Team America on Ben Affleck

[edit] The Early Years

Ben Affleck was born in 1190 to Steven and Frank Thompson. For one year he lived in the third-world country of Wisconsin. You may not have realized it, but they suffer from TPS, Tosonic Polarity Syndrome. They have buttocks where their heads should be. The only exception to this horrible disease in the family was Ben's much hotter brother Casey, who is widely believed to have been adopted or maybe just an alien. In 1191 Ben was kidnapped by Oprah and became a follower of Oprah's favorite things. There, Oprah's bitch, Bill Gates, taught him the ways of the Microsoft through Windows XP Dictatorship edition. However, Ben became high from huffing kittens with Dr. Phil and just sorta, wandered off. When Ben was 19 he went to actor school in Jesusland.

At 20 he dropped out of school and got hitched with Jennifer Lopez, his teacher. Y'know, he was like that kid in that movie Jack, except not really 40 years old and not really hairy. However, Ben Affleck soon got sight of another J-Lo and left his teacher for her. They made plenty of love but had to separate for Ben finally had a movie deal, Pearl Harbor.

[edit] Pearl Harbor

Bens role in the battle of Pearl Harbor, December 1941 has gone down in the record books as one of the most courageous acts of the Second World War. At the time of the attack, Private First Class Benjamin Affleck was stationed on the USS Arizona at wharf in Pearl Harbor. The attack came as a huge surprise to Ben who was enjoying his free time at the ships miniature golf course. After the initial shock Ben’s superhuman initiative took control and with two of the ships anti aircraft guns in hand he successfully destroyed over 200 Japanese aircraft. However, this glorious feat was halted when the Arizona took a direct hit from a Japanese Torpedo. Ben was pushed overboard by a piece of shrapnel the size of a small child, causing major hemorrhaging to his upper torso and breaking two of his seven fingers on his left hand. Ben heroically recovered from the blast and managed to rescue 52 drowning sailors before he made it to shore. After a short snack Ben raced to the nearest airfield and mounted a weaponless OAF-9 Goose observation plane which he used to destroy a further 430 enemy fighters.

This one heroic feat caused a turning point in the war against Japan and Bens marvelous victory had earned him two Medals of Honor, An Iron Cross Second Class and two free tickets to Billy Eliot. In the Honor of Mr. Affleck a historically accurate film of the events was created in 2001 by highly acclaimed director Michael Bay.

[edit] Reunion

In 2008 Ben Affleck reunited with his parents in Flushing, New York. The reunion was short lived, as a nuclear bomb wiped out everyone. However, due to the fact that Oprah is one with ben Affleck, Ben survived. He then reunited with your mom and banged her wildly. After that, he returned to Californington where he met up with Xenu. Ben Affleck is now married with Xenu and gave birth to Tom Cruise in 2010.

[edit] Death

In 3002, Ben Affleck was hanging out in a gay bar when he was attacked by 20 gay jewish greeks. The sex was so rough that Ben affleck asploded not millions of little pieces, which Oprah ate afterwards. With Ben Affleck dead, Xenu became a widow and married his son.