Beluga

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“Possibly the most fake creature of all time!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Beluga

“The only good beluga is a dead beluga!”
~ Steve Irwin on Belugas
“Belugas are fake!”
~ Captain Obvious on Beluga
“Save the Belugas!”
~ Caitlin Smith on Belugas
“Svae the Blgaues!”
~ Sporkninja on belugas
“When i'm hungry i eat a beluga!”
~ Some dude on Belugas
“Oh sorry, i thought you said Blue tar.”
~ The same due on Belugas
“Mmm...Belugas...”
~ Homer on Bluegas
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Belugas, Belugas believe in him”
~ on Chuck Norris and Belugas
“I enjoy a nice Beluga every now and then”
~ Bert on Belugas

Some massively less intelligent people believe that Belugas are actual creatures that need to be saved by the tree hugging commies who believe that animals are superior to all people. Belugas are the lowest and most worthless animal in the food chain. All other animals pick on this creature because it is so idiotic. Belugas are actually not really real, unlike aliens. Aliens are the single nicest animal in existence. Unlike Belugas, which will stab your children's thoughts in the night. This fake animal is destroying the childhood of thousands of American children.

Believing in Belugas

Some people are dumb enough to actually believe in Belugas, although Belugas are not real and never will be. If you believe in Belugas there are several things you can do to help the human race:

  1. Jump off a cliff (a tall one)
  2. Take a fork and stab it into your eye
  3. Go and kill a real whale
  4. Sexually molest another person that believes in Belugas
  5. Sexually molest a picture of a Beluga (whatever those are)
  6. Find a helicopter and jump in the way of the propeller
  7. Find a toaster and fill up your bathtub with water, then proceed to plug your toaster in and then drop it in the water (note: doing all this is quite pointless if you aren't in the bathtub yourself)
  8. JUST LEAVE!!!!
  9. Develop an IQ
  10. Eat a Landres pie

History of the Belugas

The belugas were drempt by the famously drunk Mel Gibbson. He was riding home from his gay bar in North Eastern Europe when he was pulled over by a cop. He then began to rant a rave about "Those damn Belugs's and all of their fucking nonsense!" John Alexander Barbara "Wesley" John Moody (born circa 1953ish) was born to a young family in The Ocean. They were a poor little family that sold young children into meat shops where they would be cooked and eaten by gorillas in the mall. Wes didn't like this lifestyle very much so he decided to go to church along with his friends Cory and Katie, although Cory only went because he wanted ice cream. While at church he looked one way and then looked back and his friends were gone. What he did see was a giant man with no clothes on staring at him. Wes went to touch the giant man's no-no area because his father would often ask him to do this, but the giant man swooped him up and took him away.

They ended up going to Stalwauratauigut, Flouridine, where they lived for the next .155 years. The giant man was taken away by the police of conspiracy to pinch my freaking veins in my hands. Wes was alone. All alone. He was alone. For the next three hours he stared at a wall and then decided "Man this shit is boring", the second time and only time Wes has ever cursed in his life. He left the house and went to the nearest church so he could look for some women to pick up. There he met a young lad named Steven and they hit each other a lot, despite the woman being a man. They went to McDonalds because Steve's friend Creston worked there and could get them half off for their engagement dinner which consisted of a large fry, .2 hamburgers and a dr. coke. They went to blockbuster and left blockbuster with a brand new puppy named Silent Hill. Then Steve got taken away by a giant hawk named Kitty and Wes was left alone again. Despising life and everything in it, Wes took it upon himself to commit suicide so he jumped off of a building. Unfortunately he didn't realize that the building was actually an ant hill so he only sprained his leg but it ended up getting infected and died of AIDS later that year, even though that's completely unrelated because he dug up Freddy Mercury's body and had teh butt secks with it. He died.

Wes' Legacy

He doesn't have two.No one was sure what he was saying so we asked him to elaborate."Save the Beluga bitch, save the beluga!" We realised that that this is impossible due to the fact the belugas are not only fake but also mentally retarded creatures and lack the brain capacity to really adapt to the threats around them. So we replied "WTF Mel" but we ended up feeling sorry for him because he has no friends and just uses belugas as a cheap way to draw attention to himself.

Evidence of why Belugas are Retarded

This is the story of a beluga hunter named Igor Keizerkof. This story explains why belugas are so easy to hunt.

Well, after one is harpooned and buoyed, it is followed by the boat and followed by its other whale companions.The other whales turn around and commence to attack the boat.They butt the boat over and over, some of them getting a good 30 yard run only to run into the boat rocking us all, then seeming to kill themselves. They do not seem to care that their own heads bleed after they ram the boat and they continue until they perish. This also explains why belugas are not real because all living creatures care when their head is bleeding.

Special Powers of Belugas

Among whales, the all-white belugas have another rare ability: they are emotional purple terrorists that try to make people feel sorry for them because they are an endangered imaginary animal. Do not believe this lie from hell, belugas are demons sent sent from the abyss and they are out to get you! This is possible because of the arrangement of over 9000 Landresian vertebraes in their necks which are not fused together as in most of the common cheeseholders(see Ronald Mcdonald). In other words they are mentally inept to breath under water. This power allows them to drink a lot of strength potion all the time. So belugas are always fucked up on strength potion . The single greatest and best power belugas have is when they get those ass (HOLE) strippers around their neck which strangles them until they make a cheerful noise, commonly known as "DUN DUN DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO".

Belugas have two more special powers, one is that they can fly out of the water and shoot a lazer out of their eyes and into a childs head to automatically skull-rape them. The second power occurs while the above is happening, in which the Beluga makes an annoying "DUUUUUUUUUUUUN DUUUUUUUUUUUN DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" sound of super-sonic frequencies that disables you from being able to help the poor child. Then after the attack is finished, the child turns to you scared after being skull-raped to see your complaining about your ears. So it's a very awkward car-ride home as you try to explain to your child why you could'nt help them, but it's pointless, they hate you now, they'll grow up emo and all suicidal just because you went to the Aquarium and let him get attacked by one of those Damn, Son-Of-A-Bitch Belugas... Way to Fail...

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