Belgium

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Belgium
België
la Belgique
Belgiumgfalg Mannekepis
(Flag) (Coat of Arms - Manneke Pis)
Anthem: "Technotronic - Pump up the jam"
Capital According to the Dutch-speaking part of Belgium: Antwerp (named Anvers by the French speaking part of Belgium). According to the French-speaking part of Belgium: Namur (named Namen by the Dutch speaking part of Belgium). According to the Nazi German-speaking part of Belgium: Vielsalm (non-existant according to the rest of Belgium). According to the people who live in Brussels: Brussels.
Largest city According to the Dutch-speaking part of Belgium: Antwerp (named Anvers by the French speaking part of Belgium). According to the French-speaking part of Belgium: Liège (named Luik by the Dutch speaking part of Belgium). According to the Nazi German-speaking part of Belgium: Eupen (non-existant according to the rest of Belgium). According to the people who live in Brussels: Brussels.
Official languages Flemish, French, Nazi German and Nothing
Government
Dictator
Jean-Claude Van Damme
National Heroes The Smurfs
Currency French fries (The chocolate melts too fast).
Religion Belgian Mythology
Population According to the Dutch- and Nazi German-speaking part, there aren't any Belgians. According to the French-speaking part, there are about 11 million Belgians, of wich approximately 4 million are superior to the other 6 million.
Bouncywikilogo2
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Belgium.
Manneken Pis urinating in Wikipedia

A typical Belgian soaking up the public toilet

“Never heard of it”
~ A German living 3 miles to Belgium on Belgium
“Nope”
~ A Frenchman living 2 miles to Belgium on Belgium

Belgium, or Unknownia, is a small state of peculiarity, confusion and mystery between France to the west, the Netherlands or Dutchland or Hollandria or whatever in the east, and Poland in the south. It is very famous for the fact that nobody really knows anything about the country, including the Belgians themselves.

Belgium is fictionally - because fundamentally it is not known at all - known to be possibly fictional, and to be more specific an imaginary invention of United States president Bill Clinton. Although this statement might be fictional as well.

Truth and untruth

The lies: Belgium’s fame

According to the Belgian book Belgium’s Fame, Belgium would be famous for its chocolate, waffles, beers, cheese, the discovery that these go great together, and the invention of tap water and French fries. But in reality, there is no living Belgian who knows anything of this, nor has any Belgian ever read or even heard of this book. So we can conclude that absolutely no living being knows anything of all this.

But still, it is true that Belgians are the best at making Belgian cheese: no other country has ever proven itself better at - or has ever come up with the idea of - making Belgian cheese. Even more, it is true that the (southern) Belgians invented French fries. As a matter of fact, it was they who invented French and Frenchness, to allow the northern Belgians to start hating it. And they succeeded.

The truth: mystery, mythology, and evil

The truth about why you will never hear anything about Belgium is that the Belgians have managed to complicate their whole country so excessively that no outsider will ever take the effort of trying to understand it, nor will anybody be interested in it. As a logic consequence, they are free to do whatever they want, and "everything" includes nude drunk dancing in public while carrying a loaded machine gun - which is a cultural habit in Belgium.

17194519 F tn

The evil Belgian

All this mysteriousness is ?grafted on? their heathen beliefs, in which Belgianification of the globe is seen as the utter Nirvana. Belgian mythology states that this process must and will once take place. As the godfather of Belgian mythology, Godfather O’Balgianmythologey, once expressed it: "We shall conquer the world, we shall capture each and every state, we shall rename them, all of them, as Belgium - finally creating more than 190 Belgiums and excessively complicating the whole matter, as it should, being Belgian." In this way they would be able to scare off other galaxies with their uninteresting complexity, in preparation of their next goal, universe domination. No-one knows what they would actually intend to do when they have conquered the universe. Certainly not the Belgians, who even haven't got a clue of what the word Nirvana (which their mythology Godfather mentions all of the time) could mean. They can only hope it is nothing like an eternal concert of an American rock band that was formed by singer/guitarist Kurt Cobain and bassist Krist Novoselic in Aberdeen, Washington in 1987.

But only very recently, the process seems to have been put in action: in the 19th century, Belgians utterly cunningly undertook two notable steps to world domination: firstly, Belgian beer brewers purposely helped their northern nabours mess up their inferior “beer” Heineken, and spread this nastiness over the globe as a cancer. Secondly, by keeping their numerous divine beers secret, the Belgians would soon become the only earthlings not contaminated with this Dutch body-and-mind-deteriorating crap. Over some decades, this would make them the strongest people on earth. Belgianification could commence.

As you can see, Belgians are evil.

Some more facts

  • Belgians are experts of disguise. In case of high need, they are able to transform themselves into Frenchmen by surgically removing half of their brain cells, or in Hollanders by only keeping 1% of their natural brain volume. With the help of fake big teeth and Poirot mustaches, respectively.
  • As an aim to frighten outsiders, the country was originally named Belgiaanaakfraaitafraaityanum. Yet in common speech Belgians use to drop the -aanaakfraaitafraaityan- in most words, for example in the word eaanaakfraaitafraaityann, which means and in Dutch.
  • To cover their heathen beliefs, they built churches.
  • One major stereotype linked to the Belgians is that their main celebrities are fictional, for example Tintin, Plop the Gnome and Poirot. As true as this gratuitous story may be, it does not get the big picture since all Belgians are fictional creatures created by Bill Clinton.

Belgians and sax

If there is one thing that characterizes Belgian society, it must be sax. So if not, they’re probably totally uncharacterizable and thus in some way completely soulless. But, even though this surely is a plausible theory, let us assume - or pretend? - that they do have some culture and history.

The roots of sax

Adolphe Sax is the inventor of the saxophone, and currently dead. However, there is a lot of dispute concerning this (un)famous Belgian scientist, and all that is historically proven about this brilliant man, is that he is the inventor of the mussel, of the for foreigners too large condom, and of sex (previously spelled sax).
DramaticQuestionMark
Did you know...
the design of the first saxophone was originally based on that of the FFTLC (the for foreigners too large condom)?

To Belgianly complicate and confuse matters a bit more, Adolphe Sax is frequently considered to be a figment of president Bill Clinton's imagination, as the whole country of Belgium itself is too. Clinton, being the only foreigner to whom the definition of the FFTLC does not apply, would have come up with the name Belgium as he was unable to read the characters after the "Made in B" on the FFTLC - he would have hurt his eye with the top of his saxophone. Which is very confusing since he could impossibly have invented the origin from the inventions that form the actual reason of coming across the idea of inventing it. For this reason, the Bill Clinton anecdote may be called as confusing and possibly fictional as Belgium itself.

The rise of sax

In Belgium’s early days, when the very very extreme majority (one hundred percent) of the inhabitants spoke Nothing, the Belgians soon discovered that sax (or sex) is a very pleasant thing. This sudden shift in social behaviour resulted in a demographical rise, to the Belgians’ surprise.

“Damn, where do all these babies come from?”
~ A primitive Belgian on sax

Yet it did not take them long to realize that with a population foundation of about 5 Belgians, the descendants were often malformed. It didn’t take them very long either to find a solution to this problem. Partly, the unwanted babies were sent to Mongolia, where they founded Mongolian culture. The other not-so-tenderly-loved children were brought to the tiny Nazi German speaking part of Belgium, also called Little Auschwitz, where they knew exactly how to handle little ones.

Together with this historical event, the Great Central Belgian Chocolate Mines were discovered. These mines contained ancient fossils of prehistorical Spanish fly. These fossils made Belgian chocolate a highly effective afrodisiacum. And that’s how their tradition of systematically raping all Dutch, French and Nazi German women hails from. It was part of the tradition to take the offspring back to the homeland, and to dump the Belgian genetic waste - the pile of malformed babies that were simply too much to handle for General Fritz Atomium, the only Little Auschwitz citizen - in Belgium’s neighbouring countries. Therefore, Belgium has become a mixed-race culture with two glorious components: the Walloons, who are the direct descendants of the French; and the Flemish, who are the direct descendants of the Dutch. The Walloons inherited the French idea of a multi-cultural jacobinistic authoritarian society - where all cultures are welcome and tolerated as long as they surrender to the dominant French valeurs and ultimately recognize that they do not exist, and French intellectualism, also known as stupidité. The Flemish, on the other hand, are hyperactive uneducated farmers and bad ass fascists inhibited by the fact they speak the ugliest language on Earth, which forces them to produce more mucus than any other people on Earth. That is also why they moved from Dutch to Flemish.

Sax in everyday Belgian life

Tintin2

Tintin wants you to keep it a secret.

  • Up to today, Belgians have great sex lifes. Because Belgians eat so much chocolate a day, it often happens that people suddenly take their clothes off in trains, at work or on the streets to jump on the person closest to them. It is hard for native Belgians to realize that tourists don’t see rape as a compliment.
  • Having the best chocolate and secretly most divine beers in the world, no-one doubts that the combination of both produces the factual worst possible indigestion in the world. Fortunately, nude drunk vomiting in public while carrying a loaded machine gun is a very pleasant cultural habit in Belgium.
  • Inter-group marriage has been severely inhibited by systematic back-stabbing. Flemish-Walloon couples that manage to survive disdain, mischief, reprobation, persecution, murder, slavery and suitless outer space EVA do take traditional husband-wife misunderstandings to a whole new level of bitterness, as they both hurl insults in each other's language while pretending not to understand it.

Language

Belgium has four official languages: French in the southern part, Dutch in the northern part, German in the Nazi part, and Nothing throughout the whole country. Which they all scarily and absurdly master better than all other people speaking these languages, and certainly better than the Hollanders. Except for Herman Van Rompuy.

Dutch and the Move to Flemish Movement

A lot of Belgians speak Dutch. The reason for this is, as the Belgians claim, "because our mommies and daddies speak it". Further linguistic examination shows us that these mommies and daddies' mommies and daddies respond with the exact same answer. Nevertheless, even further examination remarkably shows that the mommies and daddies of the mommies and daddies' mommies and daddies do not speak Dutch at all - they are all, without exception, speakers of the language of Nothing. Some recent studies could establish a relationship between this fact on the one hand and on the other hand, the fact that they're all dead. Though some quite critical critics object this theory.

However, in the Late Middle Ages, some famous - though in reality, all Belgians are just equally infamous - and ingenious Belgians discovered that speaking Dutch causes some severe issues, some of which fatal. These issues had eventually moved the Belgians to make the Move to Flemish Movement.

  • Most importantly, the disgust that certain Dutch phonemes universally bring on - and in particular the extremely sickening and horridly repulsing rasping-and-retching sound which the Hollanders still think the CH should be pronounced as - used to be of great inconvenience: in those days it wasn't uncommon at all to see people around you vomit whenever you started speaking. People simply got overwhelmed by uncontrollable revulsion. Certainly in periods of famine, this was a huge problem. This is the main reason why the Dutch up to today, not having moved to Flemish, are still very tight with money: one has always to be prepared for a period of less resistance to Dutch speech disgust. In these times of famine, a very effective way of joking and bullying (and murdering) consisted of constantly saying goodday, good morning and good afternoon, which in Dutch is CHCHoeiedaCH, CHoeiemojCHCHe and CHCHoeiemiddaCHCH. If good evening didn't do the trick (CHoeie afent), you could still have some patience and remorselessly throw them the words CHCHCHoeienaCHCHt in the face (good night). And if even that was not enough, you could still give that old Dutch cradlesong a try that imitates the sea sound. Translated into Dutch, this gives the following lyrics: CHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCH. Dutch bedclothes were often dirty.
  • What is more, the Dutch language, internationally accepted as the Big Throat Disease, causes throat cancer. Therefore, Dutchmen very commonly die young, with their voice and power of speech deteriorating at the speed of voice-and-power-of-speech-deterioration. Already in an early stage, the only sound they can make is that of the old lullaby mentioned above. In the earliest stages of Belgianness, the Belgians desperately needed to reproduce (originally, in the Stone Age, the total number of Belgians was zero), so they couldn't afford anyone to die of linguistic causes. Belgian investigation again proves that "Even when the Dutch do not die of throat cancer, they always die", giving them an extra reason to move to Flemish.
  • On top of that, not suffering from the Dutchmen's minority complex, Belgians find it unnecessary to always be talking in a shouting and squealing way to get the public's attention. To the contrary, the Belgians, as already emerged in this article, prefer to mysteriously stay in the background, to hide their world domination plans. Dutchmen were also frequently shot and killed by hunters, who reported that they sounded like crows, vultures, ostriches, baboons, hyenas, sharks, Dutchmen, geese, evil donkeys, and that "I am just necrophiliac".

Given all these reasons, it has been a wise decision of the Belgians to improve the Dutch language into a less annoying and mortal version, which they called Flemish. Out of the question, in Spanish this is called flamenco. To a higher level out of the question, according to Google Translate, "I like to beat my Flemish wive 'cause she's damn ugly" is to be translated to Spanish as "Me gustaría batir mi causa wive flamenco 'ella es maldita fea".

The other tongues

As for the southern French-speaking part of the country, things are completely different: they're simply weak imitations of the French, though wannabe-French and un-French enough to bizarrely be pathetically yet insufficiently French. The generally neglected German-speaking part, which is surprisingly enough even far more uninteresting and unknown than Belgium itself, even in Belgium itself, is a remain of Nazi Germany, and so the inhabitants speak Nazi German. As for the Nothing-speaking part: nothing.

Cultural confusion

Belgian-Dutch (mis)communication

Communication is an important element in the life of the average Belgian. It is an attitude they share with their northern neighbors, the Dutch. Still, when put the two together, it can give some peculiar results.

Firstly, there is one general rule that is true for all Dutchman-to-Belgian conversations: they all end with a Dutchman unable to comprehend the Belgian and a Belgian giving up motivation to explain things to Dutchmen. Also, there is always one general, relatively uncomplicated yet very interesting conclusion that both parties make after these conversations. Which will be explained later on.

The second rule is that, in their free time, Belgians and Dutchmen use to hate each other. On the one hand, the Belgians have established the folkloristic habit of making jokes about the Dutchmen. Since 1890, Belgian government has even a law for it: one must make fun of the Hollanders. One must focus on their silliness, dumbness, appearance, way of screeching (CROSSED OUT) speaking and their inferiority complex, but most of all, one must laugh at them being inhumanly - as our Belgian scientists have already proven - stingy. Ignoring the 4% minimum paedophilia law, this has been the most respected Belgian law since time immemorial.

For example:

“How do you catch a Dutchman? You slam the toilet seat down while he's drinking.”
~ A Belgian on Dutch people

On the other hand, Dutch people regard Belgians stupid, e.g. (to a Belgian):

“How cumfyoosh you a Belchan? Tsfentsee-Wan....”
~ A Dutch person, in an attempt to pronounce "How do you confuse a Belgian? 21..."
“Huh?”
~ The Belgian person on the previous quote, indicating not to be capable of decoding bad Dutch pronunciation

(In this mysterious and subtle way, the Belgian hopes to open the Dutchman's eyes to his feeble linguistic intelligence).

“Haha!”
~ The Dutch person, thinking he's confused the Belgian and so made a good joke"
Sight...
~ The Belgian person"

It may not surprise that the general both-party conclusion after these nice chats generally reads as follows:

Dumbass.

Note that the Belgians are the least confusable people in the world, since they are accustomed to the biologically and physically highest possible confusion ever.

Urbanization

Belgium is one of the most urbanized regions in the world. This is because in Belgium, any congregation consisting of more than 7 people is called a City. Belgium therefore also hosts the smallest city in the world, Durbuy, which has four inhabitants: Julien, Marie-Claire, Grandmère and their two half children. In consequence of its population being so dense, Belgium has an extensive public transport network, based around two hubs: Hors Service in the South (near Berlin) and Geen Dienst in the North (rumoured to be near Reykjavik, though nobody really knows). A peculiarity of the system is that, although 90% of buses and around 75% of trams and trains go to one or the other of these destinations, there is no direct service between them; the only option is to walk. This explains why the buses are always empty.

Belgian road quality

Bad.

Political Confusion and Complexity

Samson en gert

Current president (right) and vice-president (left) of Belgium.

The basics

Belgians do not have a word for politics. They did, however, take the concept of it from their neighbouring countries, but they gave it a slight Belgian twist - which is, by the way, also a well-known dance in Belgium, commonly performed unclothed - and called it Political Confusion and Complexity. There are no Belgian politicians; there are only Belgian Political Confusers and Belgian Political Complexitificitiers. Political Confusion and Complexity is represented in the Ministry of Confusion and Complexity by the most complex and most confused Belgians.

Belgian politics is based on Belgian Logics, which can again be described as just logics, but put through a good old Belgian twist. One of the theoretical founders of Belgian Logics is Jean Kloot, a respectable Walloon professor who has gained a lot of respect in the Belgian academic world, is considered one of the nation’s most important and influential intellectuals, went to the University of Brussels, Namur and Little Auschwitz, and was finally promptly put in Berlin’s Madhouse for the Extremely Cracked as soon as he crossed the border.

In respect of Political Confusion and Complexity, the following golden rule, made up by Jean Kloot, is of great importance: in order to create the highest possible confusion and complexity, law should always conflict as heavily as possible with reality, morality and finally with the people’s wishes and nature.

Consequences of the golden rule

  • If two peoples have nothing at all in common with one another, cannot understand one another’s language, hate each and every aspect of one another, from the way they look to what they say and do, and finally are absolutely and undoubtedly impossibly unitable, and any union would never be of any advantage for either parties at all, they are to be united. Because of this, the two peoples of Walloons and Flemings united and so created the very nation of Belgium. Up to today, many Belgians still respect this political-confusion-and- complexitificital decision, because if Belgium would seize to exist, all Belgians would suddenly vanish from the Earth.
  • No-one likes education. Therefore, the nation must provide the world’s most advanced and complex educational system, and it must be obliged untill death - although Belgian Logics shows that education is most effective after death.
  • No-one likes voting. Therefore, the nation must provide the world’s most advanced and complex voting system, and it must be obliged untill death - although Belgian Logics shows that voting is most effective after death. A notable fact is that every person under the age of 5 can receive the death penalty if they refuse to vote. This has recently led to a fabulous 71 percent election victory for the PEL, the Party for Eternal Life. Once the party assumed power in Belgium, they immediately abolished the national superannuation scheme, which explains why Belgium's workforce is currently the oldest in the world.
  • The only sense that having a royal family would ever have, would be that at least one of the members of it would have the power to rule; and if not, they must at least form a fascinating, interesting and intriguing group of people who are loved and praised by the people. Therefore, Belgium has the most boring royal family in the history of history, a king that does not have the power to rule and on top of all this, no-one knows them. The king should be fully compliant. Also, he is required by popular mandate to be regularly serviced by Asian prostitutes, with a severe spanking from the crown prince being the punishment for non-compliance. The king is well known for his non-compliance.
  • No citizen should know the national anthem.
  • If it is the king’s aim to unite both of the country’s peoples, it is advised that he insults one of them, for example in a 2012 Christmas speech.
  • In environmental planning, each residence should have to comply with the most strict architecture regulations possible, in order to force all houses of a street to have the exact same appearance, for it is a naturally Belgian anti-order reaction to immediatly demolish one’s nabour’s house in any possible way if it looks anyway like theirs.
  • The Ministry of Confusion and Complexity is currently discussing a law that would stimulate building houses nearby heavily used roads, as this would generate innumerable judicial complaints concerning noise nuisance, which would - as they aim - generally result in vast masses of paperwork for the court to treat that raise the judicial officers’ stress in such an extent that they either die of a heart attack or commit suicide, a consequence that would unfortunately result in even more paperwork, which would all eventually create an infinite chain of clerical and judicial horror. Chances are high that the Ministry would reject this proposal, because it vaguely seems to have a trifle of sense. In cases like these, a law is often considered “not Belgianly twisted enough”. Injecting some exhaustingly complex French-Dutch translating complications in order to raise the amount of unnecessary paperwork could add some flavour to it.
  • One can only build industrial constructions in residential areas and residences in industrial or danger-of-flooding areas.
  • There has to be an absolute distinction between the Bible and the law: law should contain more internal contradictions than the Bible, and should be more open to several interpretations.
  • When the people are in high need of governmental action, the government should take a break for a couple of hundreds of days. They should have extravagant parties and discover aids. In 2010 for example, the government collapsed because they couldn't agree about a final solution for the only question that matters to Belgians: what is the only real Belgian chocolate filling? Unfortunately, the fat Flemish leader Bart The Weaver and the gay Walloon leader Elio Di Rupo did not find the answer to this problem, but as their fierce combat became more and more personal, they did discover aids.

Nazi German Belgium and Ned Flanders

In the Nazi German part of Belgium, there is an upcoming political party called "Vlaams Behang", or “Flemish Wallpaper”, consisting of followers of the great Ned Flanders himself. They are against pie, subcontrabass saxophones, intelligent statements, gravity and 39 percent of the First Law of Thermodynamics.

Some more advanced confusion

The Swedish part of Belgium has its own government, but then again, they're Swedish so who gives a damn. The Italian part has two governments. The Korean part has one. There's a government for Brussels, one for each of the seventy provinces and one for the minorities of each language group in every one of the other regions and provinces. Every one of these governments has a corresponding House of Representatives and Senate. As a consequence, 2% of all Belgians is a minister and 18% is a member of parliament. 34% works for lower governments and the rest in the state administration. Finally, two Belgians are professional tennis players. Actual work is only done unofficially, and mostly by foreigners. Belgium has 83 Ministers of Internal Affairs, 450 Ministers of Clerical Complication and 138 Ministers of Clerical Simplification.

See also

External links

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