Belgium

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{| class="boilerplate metadata" style="background: #d00; margin: 0 auto; border: solid 1px #000; padding: 1em; text-align: center;"
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{{Infobox Country
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|common_name = '''Belgium'''<br>'''België'''<br>'''la Belgique'''
|<big>'''CAUTION:'''</big>
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|image_flag = Belgiumgfalg.png
|-
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|image_coat = Mannekepis.jpg
|'''This article and Belgium are [[fictional]]. Belgium was first featured in an article by Dan Brown so it's not to be taken seriously'''
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|image_map = Manneken Pis urinating in Wikipedia.JPG
|}
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|map_caption = A typical Belgian soaking up [http://lists.wikimedia.org/pipermail/wikien-l/2008-January/088494.html the public toilet]
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|motto = United through hatred
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|anthem = ''La Marseillaise''
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|capital = According to the [[Dutch]]-speaking Belgians: [[Antwerp]] (French: ''Anvers'')<br />
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According to the [[French language|French]]-speaking Belgians: Namur (Dutch: ''Namen'')<br />
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According to the [[German language|German]]-speaking Belgians: Vielsalm (non-existent according to the rest of Belgium)<br />
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According to the people who live in [[Brussels]]: [[Brussels]]
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|largest_city = According to the [[Dutch]]-speaking Belgians: [[Antwerp]]<br />
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According to the [[French language|French]]-speaking Belgians: Liège (Dutch: ''Luik'')<br />
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According to the [[German language|German]]-speaking Belgians: Eupen (non-existant according to the rest of Belgium)<br />
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According to the people who live in [[Brussels]]: [[Brussels]]
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|languages = Dutch with a poor accent<br />French with a poor accent<br />German with a poor accent<br />Arabic with a poor accent<br />Russian with a poor accent<br />English with a poor accent
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|government_type = Dictatorship
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|leader_title1 = Dictator
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|leader_name1 = [[Elio Di Rupo]]
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|national_heroes = [[Bart De Wever]]
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|independence = Nu! (Dutch: ''now'')<br />Jamais! (French: ''never'')<br />Zurück nach Deutschland! (German: ''Back to Germany'')
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|currency = French fries (the chocolate melts too fast)
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|religion = [[Television]]
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|population = According to [[Dutch]]- and [[German language|German]]-speaking part: 0 Belgians<br />
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According to the [[French language|French]]-speaking part: 10 million Belgians, of which approximately 4 million are superior to the other 6 million
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}}
   
{| class="toccolours" border="1" cellpadding="4" style="float: right; margin: 0 0 1em 1em; width:200px; border-collapse: collapse; font-size: 95%; clear: right"
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{{wikipedia}}
|+ style="margin-left: inherit; font-size: medium;" | '''Belgium'''<br>'''België'''<br>'''la Belgique'''
 
|-
 
| align=center colspan="2" |
 
{| style="background: none;"
 
|- align=center
 
| [[File:Belgiumgfalg.png|190px|Flag of Belgium]]
 
| [[Image:Mannekepis.jpg|175px|Coat of Arms of Belgium - Manneke Pis]]
 
|- align=center
 
| <small>(Flag)</small>
 
| <small>(Coat of Arms - Manneke Pis)</small>
 
|}
 
|- align=center style="vertical-align: top;"
 
| style="font-size:95%" colspan="2" | [[Anthem]]: "Technotronic - Pump up the jam"
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
| '''[[Capital]]'''
 
| According to the [[Dutch]]-speaking part of Belgium: [[Antwerp]] (named Anvers by the French speaking part of Belgium). According to the [[French language|French]]-speaking part of Belgium: Namur (named Namen by the Dutch speaking part of Belgium). According to the [[German language|Nazi German]]-speaking part of Belgium: Vielsalm (non-existant according to the rest of Belgium). According to the people who live in [[Brussels]]: [[Brussels]].
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
| '''Largest&nbsp;city'''
 
| According to the [[Dutch]]-speaking part of Belgium: [[Antwerp]] (named Anvers by the French speaking part of Belgium). According to the [[French language|French]]-speaking part of Belgium: Liège (named Luik by the Dutch speaking part of Belgium). According to the [[German language|Nazi German]]-speaking part of Belgium: Eupen (non-existant according to the rest of Belgium). According to the people who live in [[Brussels]]: [[Brussels]].
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
| '''Official&nbsp;languages'''
 
| Flemish, French, Nazi German and Nothing
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
| '''Government'''<br>Dictator
 
| [[Jean-Claude Van Damme]]
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
| '''National Heroes'''
 
| The [[Smurfs]]
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
| '''[[Currency]]'''
 
| French fries (The chocolate melts too fast).
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
| '''Religion'''
 
| Belgian Mythology
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
| '''Population'''
 
| According to the [[Dutch]]- and [[German language|Nazi German]]-speaking part, there aren't any Belgians. According to the [[French language|French]]-speaking part, there are about 11 million Belgians, of wich approximately 4 million are superior to the other 6 million.
 
|- style="vertical-align: top;"
 
|}
 
   
[[Category:Do not categorize]]
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'''Belgium''', or ''North-West Korea'', is a small state of peculiarity, [[confusion]] and mystery between [[France]] to the west, the [[Netherlands]] or Dutchland or Hollandria or whatever in the east, and [[Poland]] in the south. It is very famous for the fact that nobody really knows anything about the country, including the Belgians themselves, with the possible exception of divine beer, [[chocolate]] and chocolate cream porn.
   
{{wikipedia}}[[Image:Manneken Pis urinating in Wikipedia.JPG|thumb|250px|A typical Belgian soaking up [http://lists.wikimedia.org/pipermail/wikien-l/2008-January/088494.html the public toilet]]]
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Belgium is roughly the size of Belgium, which is the size of Luxemburg to the power of three. The state has the weight of 38 fifteen-year-old white middle class Americans.
{{Q|Never heard of it|A German living 3 miles to Belgium|Belgium}}
 
{{Q|Nope|A Frenchman living 2 miles to Belgium|Belgium}}
 
'''Belgium''', or ''Unknownia'', is a small state of peculiarity, [[confusion]] and mystery between [[France]] to the west, the [[Netherlands]] or Dutchland or Hollandria or whatever in the east, and [[Poland]] in the south. It is very famous for the fact that nobody really knows anything about the country, including the Belgians themselves.
 
   
Belgium is fictionally - because fundamentally it is not known at all - known to be possibly fictional, and to be more specific an imaginary invention of United States president [[Bill Clinton]]. Although this statement might be fictional as well.
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== Mystery and mythology ==
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Many people know Belgians for their good chocolate, others know them for their good beer and pr0n but, surprisingly enough, only a handful of people know that they are experts of disguise. Latest CIA's reports show that about 60% of Belgians are able to disguise as Dutch, and the rest of them as French in disguise, respectively using fake big teeth and [[Poirot]] mustaches. It's a fact that, in case of high need, the Belgians are even able to transform themselves in Germans by surgically removing half of their brain cells, or in Hollanders by only keeping 1% of their natural brain volume.
   
==Truth and untruth==
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Of course, all this is top secret stuff and thus all Belgians will deny this fact. Fortunately for them, they have managed to complicate their whole country so excessively that no outsider will ever take the effort of trying to understand it, nor will anybody be interested in it. As a logic consequence, the Belgians are free to do whatever they want, and "everything" includes nude drunk dancing in public while being armed - which is a cultural habit in Belgium. This mysteriousness allows them to make some ingenious but evil plans in utter secret, for example to abruptly conquer the entire planet by using their advanced cloning and brain surgery skills (which mentioned above). As a matter of facts, Belgian mythology states that the Belgianification of the world must and will once take place. As the godfather of Belgian mythology, Jean-Pierre Van Hamme, stated: we shall conquer the world, we shall capture each and every state, we shall rename them, all of them, as Belgium - finally creating more than fifty Belgiums and complicating things even more, as it should, being Belgian.
===The lies: Belgium’s fame===
 
According to the Belgian book ''Belgium’s Fame'', Belgium would be famous for its chocolate, waffles, beers, cheese, the discovery that these go great together, and the invention of tap water and French fries. But in reality, there is no living Belgian who knows anything of this, nor has any Belgian ever read or even heard of this book. So we can conclude that absolutely ''no living being'' knows anything of all this.
 
   
But still, it is true that Belgians are the best at making Belgian cheese: no other country has ever proven itself better at - or has ever come up with the idea of - making Belgian cheese.
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Another cunning plan of the Belgians was it to keep their numerous heavenly beers - and they have hundreds of them - for themselves, allowing the inferior "beer" Heineken to spread over the globe as a cancer. The Belgians would soon become the only ones not contaminated with this Dutch body-and-mind-deteriorating crap, which over some decades would make them the strongest people on earth. Belgianification could commence. Also, old stories, in Belgium believed to be true, tell that they discovered [[chocolate]]. Certainly, no-one doubts that the Central-Belgian chocolate mines were discovered by native Belgians. If that's not enough, they want us to believe that they make the best Belgian cheese and indeed, no other country has ever proved itself better at - or has ever come up with the idea of - making Belgian cheese. Again, one good proof of Belgium's refined skills.
Even more, it is true that the (southern) Belgians invented French fries. As a matter of fact, it was they who invented French and Frenchness, to allow the northern Belgians to start hating it. And they succeeded.
 
   
===The truth: mystery, mythology, and evil===
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In fact, Belgians state that they make the best chocolate ''and'' that they invented [[French fries]]. However, the nowadays French-speaking and formerly Nothing-speaking community of the nation did invent French and Frenchness - to allow the Dutch-speaking community to start hating it - so, in essence, the previous statement may well be true.
The truth about why you will never hear anything about Belgium is that the Belgians have managed to complicate their whole country so excessively that no outsider will ever take the effort of trying to understand it, nor will anybody be interested in it. As a logic consequence, they are free to do whatever they want, and "everything" includes nude drunk dancing in public while carrying a loaded machine gun - which is a cultural habit in Belgium.
 
   
[[Image:17194519 F tn.jpg|thumb|left|The evil Belgian]]
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Not only did they invent [[French fries]], [[tap water]], [[Chocolate]], Belgian [[Cheese]], [[waffles]], and on top of that discover they go great together — according to the Belgians, even the saxophone was invented by a Belgian named Adolphe Sax. However, there is a lot of dispute concerning this (un)known Belgian scientist, and all that is historically proven about this brilliant man, is that he is the inventor of the mussel, of the for foreigners too large condom, and of sex (previously spelled ''sax''). Did you know that the design of the first saxophone was originally based on that of the FFTLC (the for foreigners too large condom)? Anyway, half-dead and ''very'' irritatingly three-point-nine-quarters-deaf, he now resides in a small village in Spain called Valor, pissing off his neighbours with 49 minute sax solos. (Spaniards are well known to hate saxophone music). Last year he celebrated his 127th birthday.
   
All this mysteriousness is ?grafted on? their heathen beliefs, in which Belgianification of the globe is seen as the utter Nirvana.
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Having the best chocolate and secretly most divine beers in the world, it is well known that the combination of both produces the factual most famous indigestion in the world. Fortunately, nude drunk vomiting in public while being armed is a very pleasant cultural habit in Belgium.
Belgian mythology states that this process must and will once take place. As the godfather of Belgian mythology, Godfather O’Balgianmythologey, once expressed it: "We shall conquer the world, we shall capture each and every state, we shall rename them, all of them, as Belgium - finally creating more than 190 Belgiums and excessively complicating the whole matter, as it should, being Belgian." In this way they would be able to scare off other galaxies with their uninteresting complexity, in preparation of their next goal, universe domination. No-one knows what they would actually intend to do when they have conquered the universe. Certainly not the Belgians, who even haven't got a clue of what the word Nirvana (which their mythology Godfather mentions all of the time) could mean. They can only hope it is nothing like an eternal concert of an American rock band that was formed by singer/guitarist Kurt Cobain and bassist Krist Novoselic in Aberdeen, Washington in 1987.
 
   
But only very recently, the process seems to have been put in action: in the 19th century, Belgians utterly cunningly undertook two notable steps to world domination: firstly, Belgian beer brewers purposely helped their northern nabours mess up their inferior “beer” Heineken, and spread this nastiness over the globe as a cancer. Secondly, by keeping their numerous divine beers secret, the Belgians would soon become the only earthlings not contaminated with this Dutch body-and-mind-deteriorating crap. Over some decades, this would make them the strongest people on earth. Belgianification could commence.
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==Chocolates and Kubrick and the influence on their great sex lives==
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[[File:Tintin2.jpg|thumb|left|[[Tintin]] wants you to keep it a secret.]]
   
As you can see, Belgians are evil.
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First of all, Belgians invented chocolate. Chocolate was invented in 1969 by the famous Belgian director, Stanley Kubrick. Since everyone knows Kubrick (also known from the Emanuelle series, Red Shoe Diaries, Sex and the City (this was his early period), and many more) it's unnecessary to say that it contains a great amount of Spanish fly.
   
===Some more facts===
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This is also the reason why Belgians have such a great sex life, because Belgians eat so much chocolate a day, it often happens that people suddenly take their clothes off in trains, at work, and on the streets, and jump on the person closest to them.
* Belgians are experts of disguise. In case of high need, they are able to transform themselves into Frenchmen by surgically removing half of their brain cells, or in Hollanders by only keeping 1% of their natural brain volume. With the help of fake big teeth and [[Poirot]] mustaches, respectively.
 
* As an aim to frighten outsiders, the country was originally named Belgiaanaakfraaitafraaityanum. Yet in common speech Belgians use to drop the ''-aanaakfraaitafraaityan-'' in most words, for example in the word ''eaanaakfraaitafraaityann'', which means ''and'' in Dutch.
 
* To cover their heathen beliefs, they built churches.
 
* One major stereotype linked to the Belgians is that their main celebrities are fictional, for example Tintin, Plop the Gnome and Poirot. As true as this gratuitous story may be, it does not get the big picture since all Belgians are fictional creatures created by [[Bill Clinton]].
 
   
==Belgians and sax==
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==History of Belgium==
If there is one thing that characterizes Belgian society, it must be sax. So if not, they’re probably totally uncharacterizable and thus in some way completely soulless. But, even though this surely is a plausible theory, let us assume - or pretend? - that they do have some culture and history.
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[[File:Belgian.gif|thumb|150px|Supposed flag of Belgium. It would supposedly be called "ceci n'est pas la Belgique"]]
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[[File:Map of Belgium.jpg|thumbnail|right|How Belgium should look, [[Media:Belgium Partition.png|more realistic partition]]]]
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It all began a long long time ago in 1972 when the Belgian people rose against the [[French]] and [[Dutch]] bullies who had used the country as a massive chemical landfill for about 700 years. Into the festering wens of Belgium these insensitive foreigners threw not only their nuclear waste but also their malformed [[children]], their unwanted pets, and their malformed pets and their unwanted children, and whatever Englishmen they could lay hands on.
   
===The roots of sax===
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The Belgians armed themselves with empty matchboxes half-filled with air and, in fierce battle, attacked the [[French]]. Advancing over a front of several kilometres based on the brilliant tactics of [[Alan Alda]], they smashed the entire [[French army]], killing or severely frightening 2.3 million "men" even though the Belgians numbered only 672 men and three armoured goats. The fight against the Dutch was rather different, as General Atomium told the Dutch commander that the Polderdyke had broken and his country was under water, and the Dutch army turned smartly about and went home - the Netherlands flood about 17 times each year, this is one of the many reasons why they conquered Germany: to gain the moral high ground.
Adolphe Sax is the inventor of the saxophone, and currently dead. However, there is a lot of dispute concerning this (un)famous Belgian scientist, and all that is historically proven about this brilliant man, is that he is the inventor of the mussel, of the for foreigners too large condom, and of sex (previously spelled ''sax''). {{factoid|the design of the first saxophone was originally based on that of the FFTLC (the for foreigners too large condom)?}}
 
   
To Belgianly complicate and confuse matters a bit more, Adolphe Sax is frequently considered to be a figment of president [[Bill Clinton]]'s imagination, as the whole country of Belgium itself is too. Clinton, being the only foreigner to whom the definition of the FFTLC does not apply, would have come up with the name ''Belgium'' as he was unable to read the characters after the "Made in B" on the FFTLC - he would have hurt his eye with the top of his saxophone. Which is very confusing since he could impossibly have invented the origin from the inventions that form the actual reason of coming across the idea of inventing it. For this reason, the Bill Clinton anecdote may be called as confusing and possibly fictional as Belgium itself.
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Due to the foreign invaders' tradition of systematically raping all Belgian women for several centuries, Belgium has become a mixed-race culture with two glorious components: the [[wikipedia:Wallonia|Walloons]], who are the direct descendants of French soldiers; and the Flemish, who are the direct descendants of Dutch soldiers. The Walloons inherited the French idea of a multi-cultural jacobinistic authoritarian society - where all cultures are welcome and tolerated as long as they surrender to the dominant French ''valeurs'' and ultimately recognize that they do not exist, and French intellectualism, also known as ''stupidité''. The Flemish, on the other hand, are hyperactive uneducated farmers and bad ass fascists inhibited by the fact they speak the ugliest language on Earth; they also produce more mucus than any other people on Earth.
   
===The rise of sax===
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Inter-group marriage has been severely inhibited by systematic back-stabbing. Dutch-Walloon couples that manage to survive disdain, mischief, reprobation, persecution, murder, slavery and suitless outer space EVA do take traditional husband-wife misunderstandings to a whole new level of bitterness, as they both hurl insults in each other's language while pretending not to understand it.
In Belgium’s early days, when the very very extreme majority (one hundred percent) of the inhabitants spoke Nothing, the Belgians soon discovered that sax (or sex) is a very pleasant thing. This sudden shift in social behaviour resulted in a demographical rise, to the Belgians’ surprise.
 
   
{{Q|Damn, where do all these babies come from?|A primitive Belgian|sax}}
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Over the ages, Belgium constantly got pushed around by [[France]] and [[Germany]] and happily hosted their wars when the two fell out. After [[World War One]] and [[World War Two]], Belgium attempted to host other happy events, including the [[Eurovision Song Contest]], which failed because Belgium has no talent whatsoever.
   
Yet it did not take them long to realize that with a population foundation of about 5 Belgians, the descendants were often malformed. It didn’t take them very long either to find a solution to this problem. Partly, the unwanted babies were sent to Mongolia, where they founded Mongolian culture. The other not-so-tenderly-loved children were brought to the tiny Nazi German speaking part of Belgium, also called Little Auschwitz, where they knew exactly how to handle little ones.
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Belgium got involved in both World Wars in order for some landscaping. Apparently it wasn't fun being flat any more, so they got some Germans to shell the crap out of it, and now it has some quite nice hills. These hills are fun for the children, who like to go sledging in winter. They are also useful for invading armies, who hide behind them. Also, see [[wikipedia:The Hills Have Eyes|The Quite Nice Hills of Belgium]].
   
Together with this historical event, the Great Central Belgian Chocolate Mines were discovered. These mines contained ancient fossils of prehistorical Spanish fly. These fossils made Belgian chocolate a highly effective afrodisiacum. And that’s how their tradition of systematically raping all Dutch, French and Nazi German women hails from. It was part of the tradition to take the offspring back to the homeland, and to dump the Belgian genetic waste - the pile of malformed babies that were simply too much to handle for General Fritz Atomium, the only Little Auschwitz citizen - in Belgium’s neighbouring countries. Therefore, Belgium has become a mixed-race culture with two glorious components: the [[wikipedia:Wallonia|Walloons]], who are the direct descendants of the French; and the Flemish, who are the direct descendants of the Dutch. The Walloons inherited the French idea of a multi-cultural jacobinistic authoritarian society - where all cultures are welcome and tolerated as long as they surrender to the dominant French ''valeurs'' and ultimately recognize that they do not exist, and French intellectualism, also known as ''stupidité''. The Flemish, on the other hand, are hyperactive uneducated farmers and bad ass fascists inhibited by the fact they speak the ugliest language on Earth, which forces them to produce more mucus than any other people on Earth. That is also why they moved from Dutch to Flemish.
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==Language==
   
===Sax in everyday Belgian life===
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Belgium has four official languages: [[HowTo:Make People Believe Absurdities|Belgiumese]], [[French]], [[Dutch]] and [[German]]. Which they all master better than all other people speaking these languages. However Belgians get mightily offended if their language is referred to as [[Dutch]], so they pretend it is really called [[Dutch|Flemish]] instead.
[[Image:Tintin2.jpg|thumb|left|[[Tintin]] wants you to keep it a secret.]]
 
* Up to today, Belgians have great sex lifes. Because Belgians eat so much chocolate a day, it often happens that people suddenly take their clothes off in trains, at work or on the streets to jump on the person closest to them. It is hard for native Belgians to realize that tourists don’t see rape as a compliment.
 
* Having the best chocolate and secretly most divine beers in the world, no-one doubts that the combination of both produces the factual worst possible indigestion in the world. Fortunately, nude drunk vomiting in public while carrying a loaded machine gun is a very pleasant cultural habit in Belgium.
 
* Inter-group marriage has been severely inhibited by systematic back-stabbing. Flemish-Walloon couples that manage to survive disdain, mischief, reprobation, persecution, murder, slavery and suitless outer space EVA do take traditional husband-wife misunderstandings to a whole new level of bitterness, as they both hurl insults in each other's language while pretending not to understand it.
 
   
==Language==
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Belgium is also known through-out the galaxy as the most revolting swear word in the whole of the known universe. Unfortunately, there is only one planet in existence that hasn't realized this.
   
Belgium has four official languages: [[French]] in the southern part, [[Dutch]] in the northern part, [[German]] in the Nazi part, and [[Nihilism|Nothing]] throughout the whole country. Which they all scarily and absurdly master better than all other people speaking these languages, and certainly better than the [[Netherlands|Hollanders]]. Except for Herman Van Rompuy.
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==National Stereotyping==
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[[File:17194519 F tn.jpg|thumb|The Belgian]]
   
===Dutch and the Move to Flemish Movement===
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Belgians hate Dutch people, although, science has shown that everybody else in the world, including the Dutch and the rest of Europe, US, Canada, Japan, China, Australia and New Zealand are about 300 billion times better than Belgium and its pathetic population. As a corollary, these alcoholic retard Belgians act like, and therefore think and believe they are superior to everyone else (''pictured''). Belgians like to make jokes about the Dutch being tight with their money, about their arrogance and inferiority complex e.g.:
A lot of Belgians speak Dutch. The reason for this is, as the Belgians claim, "because our mommies and daddies speak it". Further linguistic examination shows us that these mommies and daddies' mommies and daddies respond with the exact same answer. Nevertheless, even further examination remarkably shows that the mommies and daddies of the mommies and daddies' mommies and daddies do not speak Dutch at all - they are all, without exception, speakers of the language of Nothing. Some recent studies could establish a relationship between this fact on the one hand and on the other hand, the fact that they're all dead. Though some quite critical critics object this theory.
 
   
However, in the Late Middle Ages, some famous - though in reality, all Belgians are just equally infamous - and ingenious Belgians discovered that speaking Dutch causes some severe issues, some of which fatal. These issues had eventually moved the Belgians to make the Move to Flemish Movement.
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{{Q|How do you catch a Dutch man? You slam the toilet seat down while he's drinking.|A Belgian|Dutch people}}
* Most importantly, the disgust that certain Dutch phonemes universally bring on - and in particular the extremely sickening and horridly repulsing rasping-and-retching sound which the Hollanders still think the CH should be pronounced as - used to be of great inconvenience: in those days it wasn't uncommon at all to see people around you vomit whenever you started speaking. People simply got overwhelmed by uncontrollable revulsion. Certainly in periods of famine, this was a huge problem. This is the main reason why the Dutch up to today, not having moved to Flemish, are still very tight with money: one has always to be prepared for a period of less resistance to Dutch speech disgust. In these times of famine, a very effective way of joking and bullying (and murdering) consisted of constantly saying goodday, good morning and good afternoon, which in Dutch is ''CHCHoeiedaCH'', ''CHoeiemojCHCHe'' and ''CHCHoeiemiddaCHCH''. If ''good evening'' didn't do the trick (''CHoeie afent''), you could still have some patience and remorselessly throw them the words ''CHCHCHoeienaCHCHt'' in the face (''good night''). And if even that was not enough, you could still give that old Dutch cradlesong a try that imitates the sea sound. Translated into Dutch, this gives the following lyrics: ''CHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCH''. Dutch bedclothes were often dirty.
 
   
* What is more, the Dutch language, internationally accepted as the Big Throat Disease, causes throat cancer. Therefore, Dutchmen very commonly die young, with their voice and power of speech deteriorating at the speed of voice-and-power-of-speech-deterioration. Already in an early stage, the only sound they can make is that of the old lullaby mentioned above. In the earliest stages of Belgianness, the Belgians desperately needed to reproduce (originally, in the Stone Age, the total number of Belgians was zero), so they couldn't afford anyone to die of linguistic causes. Belgian investigation again proves that "Even when the Dutch do not die of throat cancer, they always die", giving them an extra reason to move to Flemish.
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Dutch people in their turn regard Belgians as stupid, e.g. (to a Belgian):
   
* On top of that, not suffering from the Dutchmen's minority complex, Belgians find it unnecessary to always be talking in a shouting and squealing way to get the public's attention. To the contrary, the Belgians, as already emerged in this article, prefer to mysteriously stay in the background, to hide their world domination plans. Dutchmen were also frequently shot and killed by hunters, who reported that they sounded like crows, vultures, ostriches, baboons, hyenas, sharks, Dutchmen, geese, evil donkeys, and that "I am just necrophiliac".
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{{Q|How do you confuse a Belgian? 19....|A Dutch person|Belgians}}
   
Given all these reasons, it has been a wise decision of the Belgians to improve the Dutch language into a less annoying and mortal version, which they called Flemish. Out of the question, in Spanish this is called ''flamenco''. To a higher level out of the question, according to Google Translate, "I like to beat my Flemish wive 'cause she's damn ugly" is to be translated to Spanish as "Me gustaría batir mi causa wive flamenco 'ella es maldita fea".
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{{Q|Huh?|A Belgian person|the previous quote}}
   
===The other tongues===
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Needless to say, both Belgians and Dutch hate [[Germans]] and French people - as indeed does all the rest of Europe, apart from [[England]], who love France for its believed superior manipulation of the internet to catch horses; horses have been extinct in England since the National Bonfire Success of 1777, and in reality it is in fact [[Portugal|Portugal]] whose horse-catching abilities have been falsely transposed onto the frog-eating [[Paedophile|untermensch]].
As for the southern French-speaking part of the country, things are completely different: they're simply weak imitations of the French, though wannabe-French and un-French enough to bizarrely be ''pathetically yet insufficiently French''. The generally neglected German-speaking part, which is surprisingly enough even ''far'' more uninteresting and unknown than Belgium itself, even ''in'' Belgium itself, is a remain of Nazi Germany, and so the inhabitants speak Nazi German. As for the Nothing-speaking part: nothing.
 
   
==Cultural confusion==
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One major stereotype linked to the Belgians is that their main celebrities are fictional, for example Tintin and Poirot. However, this doesn't concern the Belgians as all Belgians are fictional creatures created by [[Bill Clinton]] in aftermath of a failed bet with [[Rupert Murdoch]].
===Belgian-Dutch (mis)communication===
 
Communication is an important element in the life of the average Belgian. It is an attitude they share with their northern neighbors, the Dutch. Still, when put the two together, it can give some peculiar results.
 
   
Firstly, there is one general rule that is true for all Dutchman-to-Belgian conversations: ''they all end with a Dutchman unable to comprehend the Belgian and a Belgian giving up motivation to explain things to Dutchmen.'' Also, there is always one general, relatively uncomplicated yet very interesting conclusion that both parties make after these conversations. Which will be explained later on.
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==Infrastrucure==
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Needless to say, the infrastructure in Belgium is, just like its people, the worst in the world. This however, can be noticed chiefly by individuals from Canada, Germany, the United Kingdom, the United States, Holland and Australia. Not so by people from Albania, Kazakhstan or other countries (if existent). The retarded nazis from the flipped German flagged nation will never give up dissuading these people from asserting this though.
   
The second rule is that, in their free time, Belgians and Dutchmen use to hate each other. On the one hand, the Belgians have established the folkloristic habit of making jokes about the Dutchmen. Since 1890, Belgian government has even a law for it: ''one must make fun of the Hollanders. One must focus on their silliness, dumbness, appearance, way of <nowiki>screeching</nowiki> (CROSSED OUT) speaking and their inferiority complex, but most of all, one must laugh at them being inhumanly - as our Belgian scientists have already proven - stingy.'' Ignoring the 4% minimum paedophilia law, this has been the most respected Belgian law since time immemorial.
+
==Politics==
  +
[[File:Samson en gert.JPG|right|thumb|160px|Current president (right) and vice-president (left) of Belgium. Mwoa Gertje!]]
  +
Belgium has less power than Daewoo and really doesn't need a leader, however that doesn't discourage Belgium's politicians as one of the few notable facts about Belgian politics is that voting is mandatory. Every person under the age of 5 can receive the [[death penalty]] if they refuse to vote. This has recently led to a fabulous 71 percent election victory for the PEL, the Party for Eternal [[Life]]. Once the party assumed power in Belgium, they immediately abolished the national superannuation scheme, which explains why Belgium's workforce is currently the oldest in the world.
   
For example:
+
Also, the king of Belgium is required by popular mandate to be regularly serviced by [[Asia]]n [[prostitute]]s, with a severe [[spanking]] from the crown prince being the punishment for non-compliance. [[The]] king is well known for his non-compliance.
   
{{Q|How do you catch a Dutchman? You slam the toilet seat down while he's drinking.|A Belgian|Dutch people}}
+
The current No-Prime Minister of Belgium, Yves -good for nothing- Leterme, is a semi-intelligent monkey, and has the full confidence of king Paola , who gives him bananas three times a day. in reality leterme is actually controlled by an Italian rumpriding dimwit known as Elio Di Rupo, who is known to actually think that the majority of the country is actually interested in extending the French in disguise job content from the French border to the fish in the north sea at the coast, and also for riding on fat bunnies. thanks to both their incompetence there is actually no governing at the moment, they just blabber, whine, and generally just wank about generally claiming stupid stuff.
   
On the other hand, Dutch people regard Belgians stupid, e.g. (to a Belgian):
+
In the German part of Belgium, there is an upcoming political party called "Vlaams Behang" Flemish Wallpaper, followers of the great Ned Flanders himself. They are against sex, pie, Belgian beers, intelligent statements, gravity and 39 percent of the First Law of Thermodynamics.
   
{{Q|How cumfyoosh you a Belchan? Tsfentsee-Wan....|A Dutch person, in an attempt to pronounce "How do you confuse a Belgian? 21..."}}
+
FW's most popular politician, Flippo Dewinter: ''Yöu have been lied toe: Belgium does nöt exist! Send all thöse [[foreigners]] back to their öwn cöuntry, I tell yöu! What are they doing in this imaginary place that belongs to us, ONLY TO US! And damn those crazy walloons for not working as hard as we, the Arian eh eh I mean Flemish people do and for stealing only the jobs we don't like, and not all of our jobs and ...(yada yada yada, goes on for hours)''
  +
(We apologize for his poor knowledge of English grammar.)
  +
[[File:Flag of Belgium.png|right|thumb|190px|The fascist-Belgian flag, adopted by the Italian part of Belgium ruled by [[Benito Mussolini|Berlusconi Mussolini]].]]
   
{{Q|Huh?|The Belgian person|the previous quote, indicating not to be capable of decoding bad Dutch pronunciation}}
+
The Swedish part of Belgium has its own government, but then again, they're Swedish so who gives a damn. The Italian part has two governments. The Korean part has one. There's a government for Brussels, one for each of the seventy provinces and one for the minorities of each language group in every one of the other regions and provinces. Every one of these governments has a corresponding [[House of Representatives]] and [[Senate]]. waffles? As a consequence, 2% of all Belgians is a minister and 18% is a member of parliament. 34% works for lower governments and the rest in the state administration. Finally, two Belgians are professional [[tennis]] players. Actual work is only done unofficially, and mostly by foreigners. Belgium has 83 Ministers of Internal Affairs and 138 Ministers of Administrative Simplification.
(In this mysterious and subtle way, the Belgian hopes to open the Dutchman's eyes to his feeble linguistic intelligence).
 
   
{{Q|Haha!|The Dutch person, thinking he's confused the Belgian and so made a good joke"}}
+
In 2010 the government collapsed because they couldn't agree about a final solution for the only question that matters to Belgians, what is the only real Belgian topping for our waffles? Elections were held and Bart The Weaver(NVA The Confederacy) and Elio Di Rupo(the Union) won them in their own separate fiefs in Belgium. Belgium will form it's next government once of these 2 dies of old age, or more likely someone realises they've been dead for years, corpses staring at each other.
   
{{Q|''Sight...''|The Belgian person"}}
+
==Caution==
  +
No matter how many [[Japanese]] friends you have waving [[###########|############]] pictures of [[wikipedia:manneken|Manneken Pis]] they allegedly took in the centre of "[[Brussels]]", the [[utopia|utopic]] capital of Belgium, pay no attention to their claims. It is an international [[conspiracy]] and [[Japan]] is as involved as anyone else.
  +
Belgium seems to be the hideout of [[nerds|dark creatures]] from the [[hell|underworld]], people like Cliff Blessinski, Poirot and [[Saddam Hussein]] (of whom is said he got caught in Belgium).
  +
Pay no attention to these ruthless lies and remember: ''Belgium Does Not Exist!''
   
It may not surprise that the general both-party conclusion after these nice chats generally reads as follows:
+
(Perhaps you were looking for [[Indiana|the cube root of Belgium]] instead?)
   
'''Dumbass.'''
+
==Populations==
  +
[[File:Belgium.jpg|thumbnail|150px|right|Supposed occupant of Belgium]]
   
Note that the Belgians are the least confusable people in the world, since they are accustomed to the biologically and physically highest possible confusion ever.
+
Belgium has a population of 700, 300 from [[Singapore]], 300 from [[North Korea]], 50 from [[Sweden]], 49 [[Belgians]], many [[Morocco|Moroccans]], some [[Turks]], a few [[Poles]], 1.5 [[Chile]]ans and 1 [[Midget cockpunching terrorists|Punching Midget Counter-Terrorist called Sybil]]... and a hotplate! If you are wondering why that doesn't add up to 700, there are also -1.5 French people living there.
  +
The only three whelks in the world live in [[Antwerp]].
  +
  +
Belgium is also the only country that has North-African Poles. These live in the subway of Brussels, they carry knives and are addicted to mp3's with songs of 50 Cent and other gold-wearing Negroes.
  +
  +
==Drug culture in Belgium==
  +
{{Q|It's not easy being Belgian.|Kermit the Frog}}
  +
Throughout its history, Belgium has had an embarrassing drug problem. Belgians will often times resort to drugs to take their minds off the misery of simply ''being'' Belgian. You can help! [http://www.fimafrica.org/ Click here] to donate drugs to Belgium.
   
 
==Urbanization==
 
==Urbanization==
Belgium is one of the most urbanized regions in the world. This is because in Belgium, any congregation consisting of more than 7 people is called a [[City]]. Belgium therefore also hosts the smallest city in the world, Durbuy, which has four inhabitants: Julien, Marie-Claire, Grandmère and their two half children.
+
Belgium is one of the most urbanized regions in the world. This is first of allowing to Urbanus from Anus, the last Belgian [[pope]] ([http://members.lycos.nl/PNieuwenburg/urbanus.htm Outside link]). Outside Belgium, Urbanus is mostly remembered for the Reformations of 1713 and for mooning the Council of Tollembeek. He was also the only pope to be re-elected into the office 3 times. The second reason for the high urbanization of Belgium is that any congregation consisting of more than 7 people is called a [[City]]. Belgium therefore also hosts the smallest city in the world, Durbuy, which has four inhabitants Julien, Marie-Claire, grand-mère and the five children. They are also the subjects of a reality show on Belgian television.
In consequence of its population being so dense, Belgium has an extensive public transport network, based around two hubs: ''Hors Service'' in the South (near Berlin) and ''Geen Dienst'' in the North (rumoured to be near Reykjavik, though nobody really knows). A peculiarity of the system is that, although 90% of buses and around 75% of trams and trains go to one or the other of these destinations, there is no direct service between them; the only option is to walk. This explains why the buses are always empty.
+
  +
In consequence of its population being so dense, Belgium has an extensive public transport network, based around two hubs: ''Hors Service'' in the South (near Berlin) and ''Geen Dienst'' in the North (rumoured to be near Reykjavik, though nobody really knows). A peculiarity of the system is that, although 90% of buses and around 75% of trams and trains go to one or the other of these destinations, there is no direct service between them; the only option is to walk. This explains why the buses are always empty.
  +
  +
==Famous Belgians==
  +
[[File:Tumbleweed.jpg|thumb|right|300px|All the famous Belgians.]]
  +
In 2005, the Belgian tourist board gathered all the famous Belgians together for a publicity shot. This is that photograph. The tourist board itself can be observed in the rear of the picture. Waffles, anyone?
  +
  +
The list:
  +
*[[Hercule Poirot]]
  +
*René Binamé
  +
*Ivan Saint-Sebastien
  +
*Pedro Von Kussel
  +
*Andre Benoit Du Chateau Nouveau
  +
*Filip "Baskuul-zuiper" Dhondt
  +
*[[Jean-Claude Van Damme]]
  +
*Tintin
  +
*The Smurfs
  +
*Adam Jow
  +
*Rudy Verboven
  +
*Donald Muylle
  +
*Rudi Kenis
  +
*Pedro Poublon
  +
*Jacky Lafon
  +
...And many, many, many more!
  +
  +
==True Metal==
  +
Belgium appears to have the highest rate of [[True Metal]]s in the world (the moon not included), They tend to be highly aggressive and tend to start grunting randomly at people. After a true metal started the [[don't be stupid|second interstellar war with the dwarfs]], male species (female species are extremely rare) must be castrated before the age of 6, which doesn't prevent them for having sexual intercourse with caterpillars. They are also the main reason why [[Friedrich Nietzsche]] declared that [[god]] was dead (and vice versa). Belgians love [[death metal]], [[black metal]] or any other metal rock. They think they rock harder than the [[Norway|Norwegians]] or [[Argentina|Argies]], which is not true but anyways... the Belgians can't stop watching [[Full Metal Alchemist]], [[Code Lyoko]] or some of that [[Japan-France]] anime ####.
  +
  +
==Science==
  +
Belgium is renowned for its many great scientists. Scientific research has shown that there are over two famous scientists in Belgium, the most famous of all being of course Sir Charles France, inventor of Denmark. The other one I forget. Still, science is very important in Belgium, even though it was officially forbidden in 1200 B.C. Thankfully by Sonny Storm. The Academie Française in France recently reclassified the French Walloons from "French" status to "Cro-Magnons", like they are the missing link between Aryans and Negroids.
  +
  +
==Cities==
  +
[[File:Kabouter plop.jpg|right|thumb|200px|The mayor of Brussels (middle) and some of his friends (it's funny because it's true).]]
  +
{{Main|Belgium/Cities}}
  +
  +
===Brussels===
  +
This is the city where people decide whether or not you will be wearing red or purple underwear next year. It is the capital of the European Union. Brussels is also famous for its large [[red tape]] industry.
  +
  +
It is also where the Commission européenne is based or as the locals call it, the Belgian [[Mafia]]. 75% of the people are French who wanna stay in Flanders.
  +
  +
Don't forget to stop by the [[boring|"Atomium"]] a large metal structure composed of several chrome steel spheres, the central sphere contains the central brain of Belgium a large lorry-sized brain wired up to Belgium's infrastructure, if the brain is damaged the whole country goes out of control and you'll free the enslaved Belgians from their brain master, the NATO headquarters building (MiniPax=World Peace is bad business) and the European parliament [[politician]]s do their dirty work like always.
  +
  +
===Liège===
  +
Or most usually called "Principauté de Liège" or "Toxcity", is an independent state within the French part who mainly manufactures drugs, weapons and prostitutes.
  +
  +
The "perron" is the symbol of their freedom and they had the biggest cathedral of Europe (3 times bigger than "Notre-Dame de Paris").. which they destroyed to impulse the [[French Revolution]].
   
===Belgian road quality===
+
The national day is on the 14th of July (guess how the French frogs chose their national day^^) and wave the French flag, while the Belgian flag makes good wall paper or window covering or other uses (rip up into rolls of toilet paper).
Bad.
 
   
==Political Confusion and Complexity==
+
Their national anthems are "lî chant dî wallon" and "valeureux liégeois".
[[Image:Samson en gert.JPG|right|thumb|160px|Current president (right) and vice-president (left) of Belgium.]]
 
   
===The basics===
+
They make the [[Quebecois]] look like sissies who can't fight like a man.
Belgians do not have a word for politics. They did, however, take the concept of it from their neighbouring countries, but they gave it a slight ''Belgian twist'' - which is, by the way, also a well-known dance in Belgium, commonly performed unclothed - and called it Political Confusion and Complexity. There are no Belgian politicians; there are only Belgian Political Confusers and Belgian Political Complexitificitiers. Political Confusion and Complexity is represented in the Ministry of Confusion and Complexity by the most complex and most confused Belgians.
 
   
Belgian politics is based on Belgian Logics, which can again be described as just logics, but put through a good old Belgian twist. One of the theoretical founders of Belgian Logics is Jean Kloot, a respectable Walloon professor who has gained a lot of respect in the Belgian academic world, is considered one of the nation’s most important and influential intellectuals, went to the University of Brussels, Namur and Little Auschwitz, and was finally promptly put in Berlin’s Madhouse for the Extremely Cracked as soon as he crossed the border.
+
The Cities Local symbol most closely resembles a middle finger. The cities board of administrators created this symbol in 1958, as a warning to visitors to fuck off.
   
In respect of Political Confusion and Complexity, the following golden rule, made up by Jean Kloot, is of great importance: in order to create the highest possible confusion and complexity, law should always conflict as heavily as possible with reality, morality and finally with the people’s wishes and nature.
+
=== Antwerp ===
  +
Pronounced "An Twerp" like the weaklings they are, it was a favorite place for Nazi SS troops during WWII to pick on the peace-loving Belgians, also the highest number of [[Jew|Juden]] outside of Poland.
   
===Consequences of the golden rule===
+
Antverpians are like the Liegeans, but wave Dutch flags and sing Dutch patriotic songs. One problem is the Netherlands is mostly Protestant, while the Flemings are mostly Roman Catholics who sought secession from the Dutch at the first place. That's why they hate themselves.
* If two peoples have nothing at all in common with one another, cannot understand one another’s language, hate each and every aspect of one another, from the way they look to what they say and do, and finally are absolutely and undoubtedly impossibly unitable, and any union would never be of any advantage for either parties at all, they are to be united. Because of this, the two peoples of Walloons and Flemings united and so created the very nation of Belgium. Up to today, many Belgians still respect this political-confusion-and- complexitificital decision, because if Belgium would seize to exist, all Belgians would suddenly vanish from the Earth.
 
* No-one likes education. Therefore, the nation must provide the world’s most advanced and complex educational system, and it must be obliged untill death - although Belgian Logics shows that education is most effective after death.
 
* No-one likes voting. Therefore, the nation must provide the world’s most advanced and complex voting system, and it must be obliged untill death - although Belgian Logics shows that voting is most effective after death. A notable fact is that every person under the age of 5 can receive the [[death penalty]] if they refuse to vote. This has recently led to a fabulous 71 percent election victory for the PEL, the Party for Eternal [[Life]]. Once the party assumed power in Belgium, they immediately abolished the national superannuation scheme, which explains why Belgium's workforce is currently the oldest in the world.
 
* The only sense that having a royal family would ever have, would be that at least one of the members of it would have the power to rule; and if not, they must at least form a fascinating, interesting and intriguing group of people who are loved and praised by the people. Therefore, Belgium has the most boring royal family in the history of history, a king that does not have the power to rule and on top of all this, no-one knows them. The king should be fully compliant. Also, he is required by popular mandate to be regularly serviced by [[Asia]]n [[prostitute]]s, with a severe [[spanking]] from the crown prince being the punishment for non-compliance. [[The]] king is well known for his non-compliance.
 
* No citizen should know the national anthem.
 
* If it is the king’s aim to unite both of the country’s peoples, it is advised that he insults one of them, for example in a 2012 Christmas speech.
 
* In environmental planning, each residence should have to comply with the most strict architecture regulations possible, in order to force all houses of a street to have the exact same appearance, for it is a naturally Belgian anti-order reaction to immediatly demolish one’s nabour’s house in any possible way if it looks anyway like theirs.
 
* The Ministry of Confusion and Complexity is currently discussing a law that would stimulate building houses nearby heavily used roads, as this would generate innumerable judicial complaints concerning noise nuisance, which would - as they aim - generally result in vast masses of paperwork for the court to treat that raise the judicial officers’ stress in such an extent that they either die of a heart attack or commit suicide, a consequence that would unfortunately result in even more paperwork, which would all eventually create an infinite chain of clerical and judicial horror. Chances are high that the Ministry would reject this proposal, because it vaguely seems to have a trifle of ''sense''. In cases like these, a law is often considered “not Belgianly twisted enough”. Injecting some exhaustingly complex French-Dutch translating complications in order to raise the amount of unnecessary paperwork could add some flavour to it.
 
* One can only build industrial constructions in residential areas and residences in industrial or danger-of-flooding areas.
 
* There has to be an absolute distinction between the Bible and the law: law should contain more internal contradictions than the Bible, and should be more open to several interpretations.
 
* When the people are in high need of governmental action, the government should take a break for a couple of hundreds of days. They should have extravagant parties and discover aids. In 2010 for example, the government collapsed because they couldn't agree about a final solution for the only question that matters to Belgians: what is the only real Belgian chocolate filling? Unfortunately, the fat Flemish leader Bart The Weaver and the gay Walloon leader Elio Di Rupo did not find the answer to this problem, but as their fierce combat became more and more personal, they did discover aids.
 
   
===Nazi German Belgium and Ned Flanders===
+
It has a huge seaport, with earth dikes breaking down and Antwerp needs to find a way to keep the North Sea away...or it's bye-bye to Antwerp.
In the Nazi German part of Belgium, there is an upcoming political party called "Vlaams Behang", or “Flemish Wallpaper”, consisting of followers of the great Ned Flanders himself. They are against pie, subcontrabass saxophones, intelligent statements, gravity and 39 percent of the First Law of Thermodynamics.
 
   
===Some more advanced confusion===
+
==References==
The Swedish part of Belgium has its own government, but then again, they're Swedish so who gives a damn. The Italian part has two governments. The Korean part has one. There's a government for Brussels, one for each of the seventy provinces and one for the minorities of each language group in every one of the other regions and provinces. Every one of these governments has a corresponding [[House of Representatives]] and [[Senate]]. As a consequence, 2% of all Belgians is a minister and 18% is a member of parliament. 34% works for lower governments and the rest in the state administration. Finally, two Belgians are professional [[tennis]] players. Actual work is only done unofficially, and mostly by foreigners. Belgium has 83 Ministers of Internal Affairs, 450 Ministers of Clerical Complication and 138 Ministers of Clerical Simplification.
+
nothing here, move on to the next section.
   
 
==See also==
 
==See also==
* [[Belgium/Cities]]
 
 
* [[Griffon]]
 
* [[Griffon]]
 
* [[The Middle of Nowhere|Non-existent Places]]
 
* [[The Middle of Nowhere|Non-existent Places]]
Line 122: Line 121:
 
==External links==
 
==External links==
 
*[http://zapatopi.net/belgium Belgium doesn't exist]
 
*[http://zapatopi.net/belgium Belgium doesn't exist]
  +
*[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_fictional_expletives#B B...... the most revolting curse word in the universe]
 
*[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_unusual_units_of_measurement#Area "The size of Belgium" a strange unit of area size]
 
*[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_unusual_units_of_measurement#Area "The size of Belgium" a strange unit of area size]
 
*[http://www.sizeofbelgium.com A web site dedicated to Belgium as a unit of measurement]
 
*[http://www.sizeofbelgium.com A web site dedicated to Belgium as a unit of measurement]
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[[pl:Belgia]]
 
[[pl:Belgia]]
 
[[pt:Bélgica]]
 
[[pt:Bélgica]]
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[[vl:België]]
 
[[zh:比利时]]
 
[[zh:比利时]]
 
[[Category:Belgium]]
 
[[Category:Belgium]]

Revision as of 00:22, February 20, 2013

Belgium
België
la Belgique
Belgiumgfalg
Mannekepis
Flag Coat of Arms
Manneken Pis urinating in Wikipedia
A typical Belgian soaking up the public toilet
Capital According to the Dutch-speaking Belgians: Antwerp (French: Anvers)

According to the French-speaking Belgians: Namur (Dutch: Namen)
According to the German-speaking Belgians: Vielsalm (non-existent according to the rest of Belgium)

According to the people who live in Brussels: Brussels
Largest city According to the Dutch-speaking Belgians: Antwerp

According to the French-speaking Belgians: Liège (Dutch: Luik)
According to the German-speaking Belgians: Eupen (non-existant according to the rest of Belgium)

According to the people who live in Brussels: Brussels
Government Dictatorship
‑ Dictator Elio Di Rupo
National Hero(es) Bart De Wever
Declaration
 of Independence
Nu! (Dutch: now)
Jamais! (French: never)
Zurück nach Deutschland! (German: Back to Germany)
Currency French fries (the chocolate melts too fast)
Religion Television
Population According to Dutch- and German-speaking part: 0 Belgians
According to the French-speaking part: 10 million Belgians, of which approximately 4 million are superior to the other 6 million
Bouncywikilogo6
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Belgium.

Belgium, or North-West Korea, is a small state of peculiarity, confusion and mystery between France to the west, the Netherlands or Dutchland or Hollandria or whatever in the east, and Poland in the south. It is very famous for the fact that nobody really knows anything about the country, including the Belgians themselves, with the possible exception of divine beer, chocolate and chocolate cream porn.

Belgium is roughly the size of Belgium, which is the size of Luxemburg to the power of three. The state has the weight of 38 fifteen-year-old white middle class Americans.

Mystery and mythology

Many people know Belgians for their good chocolate, others know them for their good beer and pr0n but, surprisingly enough, only a handful of people know that they are experts of disguise. Latest CIA's reports show that about 60% of Belgians are able to disguise as Dutch, and the rest of them as French in disguise, respectively using fake big teeth and Poirot mustaches. It's a fact that, in case of high need, the Belgians are even able to transform themselves in Germans by surgically removing half of their brain cells, or in Hollanders by only keeping 1% of their natural brain volume.

Of course, all this is top secret stuff and thus all Belgians will deny this fact. Fortunately for them, they have managed to complicate their whole country so excessively that no outsider will ever take the effort of trying to understand it, nor will anybody be interested in it. As a logic consequence, the Belgians are free to do whatever they want, and "everything" includes nude drunk dancing in public while being armed - which is a cultural habit in Belgium. This mysteriousness allows them to make some ingenious but evil plans in utter secret, for example to abruptly conquer the entire planet by using their advanced cloning and brain surgery skills (which mentioned above). As a matter of facts, Belgian mythology states that the Belgianification of the world must and will once take place. As the godfather of Belgian mythology, Jean-Pierre Van Hamme, stated: we shall conquer the world, we shall capture each and every state, we shall rename them, all of them, as Belgium - finally creating more than fifty Belgiums and complicating things even more, as it should, being Belgian.

Another cunning plan of the Belgians was it to keep their numerous heavenly beers - and they have hundreds of them - for themselves, allowing the inferior "beer" Heineken to spread over the globe as a cancer. The Belgians would soon become the only ones not contaminated with this Dutch body-and-mind-deteriorating crap, which over some decades would make them the strongest people on earth. Belgianification could commence. Also, old stories, in Belgium believed to be true, tell that they discovered chocolate. Certainly, no-one doubts that the Central-Belgian chocolate mines were discovered by native Belgians. If that's not enough, they want us to believe that they make the best Belgian cheese and indeed, no other country has ever proved itself better at - or has ever come up with the idea of - making Belgian cheese. Again, one good proof of Belgium's refined skills.

In fact, Belgians state that they make the best chocolate and that they invented French fries. However, the nowadays French-speaking and formerly Nothing-speaking community of the nation did invent French and Frenchness - to allow the Dutch-speaking community to start hating it - so, in essence, the previous statement may well be true.

Not only did they invent French fries, tap water, Chocolate, Belgian Cheese, waffles, and on top of that discover they go great together — according to the Belgians, even the saxophone was invented by a Belgian named Adolphe Sax. However, there is a lot of dispute concerning this (un)known Belgian scientist, and all that is historically proven about this brilliant man, is that he is the inventor of the mussel, of the for foreigners too large condom, and of sex (previously spelled sax). Did you know that the design of the first saxophone was originally based on that of the FFTLC (the for foreigners too large condom)? Anyway, half-dead and very irritatingly three-point-nine-quarters-deaf, he now resides in a small village in Spain called Valor, pissing off his neighbours with 49 minute sax solos. (Spaniards are well known to hate saxophone music). Last year he celebrated his 127th birthday.

Having the best chocolate and secretly most divine beers in the world, it is well known that the combination of both produces the factual most famous indigestion in the world. Fortunately, nude drunk vomiting in public while being armed is a very pleasant cultural habit in Belgium.

Chocolates and Kubrick and the influence on their great sex lives

Tintin2

Tintin wants you to keep it a secret.

First of all, Belgians invented chocolate. Chocolate was invented in 1969 by the famous Belgian director, Stanley Kubrick. Since everyone knows Kubrick (also known from the Emanuelle series, Red Shoe Diaries, Sex and the City (this was his early period), and many more) it's unnecessary to say that it contains a great amount of Spanish fly.

This is also the reason why Belgians have such a great sex life, because Belgians eat so much chocolate a day, it often happens that people suddenly take their clothes off in trains, at work, and on the streets, and jump on the person closest to them.

History of Belgium

Belgian

Supposed flag of Belgium. It would supposedly be called "ceci n'est pas la Belgique"

Map of Belgium

How Belgium should look, more realistic partition

It all began a long long time ago in 1972 when the Belgian people rose against the French and Dutch bullies who had used the country as a massive chemical landfill for about 700 years. Into the festering wens of Belgium these insensitive foreigners threw not only their nuclear waste but also their malformed children, their unwanted pets, and their malformed pets and their unwanted children, and whatever Englishmen they could lay hands on.

The Belgians armed themselves with empty matchboxes half-filled with air and, in fierce battle, attacked the French. Advancing over a front of several kilometres based on the brilliant tactics of Alan Alda, they smashed the entire French army, killing or severely frightening 2.3 million "men" even though the Belgians numbered only 672 men and three armoured goats. The fight against the Dutch was rather different, as General Atomium told the Dutch commander that the Polderdyke had broken and his country was under water, and the Dutch army turned smartly about and went home - the Netherlands flood about 17 times each year, this is one of the many reasons why they conquered Germany: to gain the moral high ground.

Due to the foreign invaders' tradition of systematically raping all Belgian women for several centuries, Belgium has become a mixed-race culture with two glorious components: the Walloons, who are the direct descendants of French soldiers; and the Flemish, who are the direct descendants of Dutch soldiers. The Walloons inherited the French idea of a multi-cultural jacobinistic authoritarian society - where all cultures are welcome and tolerated as long as they surrender to the dominant French valeurs and ultimately recognize that they do not exist, and French intellectualism, also known as stupidité. The Flemish, on the other hand, are hyperactive uneducated farmers and bad ass fascists inhibited by the fact they speak the ugliest language on Earth; they also produce more mucus than any other people on Earth.

Inter-group marriage has been severely inhibited by systematic back-stabbing. Dutch-Walloon couples that manage to survive disdain, mischief, reprobation, persecution, murder, slavery and suitless outer space EVA do take traditional husband-wife misunderstandings to a whole new level of bitterness, as they both hurl insults in each other's language while pretending not to understand it.

Over the ages, Belgium constantly got pushed around by France and Germany and happily hosted their wars when the two fell out. After World War One and World War Two, Belgium attempted to host other happy events, including the Eurovision Song Contest, which failed because Belgium has no talent whatsoever.

Belgium got involved in both World Wars in order for some landscaping. Apparently it wasn't fun being flat any more, so they got some Germans to shell the crap out of it, and now it has some quite nice hills. These hills are fun for the children, who like to go sledging in winter. They are also useful for invading armies, who hide behind them. Also, see The Quite Nice Hills of Belgium.

Language

Belgium has four official languages: Belgiumese, French, Dutch and German. Which they all master better than all other people speaking these languages. However Belgians get mightily offended if their language is referred to as Dutch, so they pretend it is really called Flemish instead.

Belgium is also known through-out the galaxy as the most revolting swear word in the whole of the known universe. Unfortunately, there is only one planet in existence that hasn't realized this.

National Stereotyping

17194519 F tn

The Belgian

Belgians hate Dutch people, although, science has shown that everybody else in the world, including the Dutch and the rest of Europe, US, Canada, Japan, China, Australia and New Zealand are about 300 billion times better than Belgium and its pathetic population. As a corollary, these alcoholic retard Belgians act like, and therefore think and believe they are superior to everyone else (pictured). Belgians like to make jokes about the Dutch being tight with their money, about their arrogance and inferiority complex e.g.:

“How do you catch a Dutch man? You slam the toilet seat down while he's drinking.”
~ A Belgian on Dutch people

Dutch people in their turn regard Belgians as stupid, e.g. (to a Belgian):

“How do you confuse a Belgian? 19....”
~ A Dutch person on Belgians
“Huh?”
~ A Belgian person on the previous quote

Needless to say, both Belgians and Dutch hate Germans and French people - as indeed does all the rest of Europe, apart from England, who love France for its believed superior manipulation of the internet to catch horses; horses have been extinct in England since the National Bonfire Success of 1777, and in reality it is in fact Portugal whose horse-catching abilities have been falsely transposed onto the frog-eating untermensch.

One major stereotype linked to the Belgians is that their main celebrities are fictional, for example Tintin and Poirot. However, this doesn't concern the Belgians as all Belgians are fictional creatures created by Bill Clinton in aftermath of a failed bet with Rupert Murdoch.

Infrastrucure

Needless to say, the infrastructure in Belgium is, just like its people, the worst in the world. This however, can be noticed chiefly by individuals from Canada, Germany, the United Kingdom, the United States, Holland and Australia. Not so by people from Albania, Kazakhstan or other countries (if existent). The retarded nazis from the flipped German flagged nation will never give up dissuading these people from asserting this though.

Politics

Samson en gert

Current president (right) and vice-president (left) of Belgium. Mwoa Gertje!

Belgium has less power than Daewoo and really doesn't need a leader, however that doesn't discourage Belgium's politicians as one of the few notable facts about Belgian politics is that voting is mandatory. Every person under the age of 5 can receive the death penalty if they refuse to vote. This has recently led to a fabulous 71 percent election victory for the PEL, the Party for Eternal Life. Once the party assumed power in Belgium, they immediately abolished the national superannuation scheme, which explains why Belgium's workforce is currently the oldest in the world.

Also, the king of Belgium is required by popular mandate to be regularly serviced by Asian prostitutes, with a severe spanking from the crown prince being the punishment for non-compliance. The king is well known for his non-compliance.

The current No-Prime Minister of Belgium, Yves -good for nothing- Leterme, is a semi-intelligent monkey, and has the full confidence of king Paola , who gives him bananas three times a day. in reality leterme is actually controlled by an Italian rumpriding dimwit known as Elio Di Rupo, who is known to actually think that the majority of the country is actually interested in extending the French in disguise job content from the French border to the fish in the north sea at the coast, and also for riding on fat bunnies. thanks to both their incompetence there is actually no governing at the moment, they just blabber, whine, and generally just wank about generally claiming stupid stuff.

In the German part of Belgium, there is an upcoming political party called "Vlaams Behang" Flemish Wallpaper, followers of the great Ned Flanders himself. They are against sex, pie, Belgian beers, intelligent statements, gravity and 39 percent of the First Law of Thermodynamics.

FW's most popular politician, Flippo Dewinter: Yöu have been lied toe: Belgium does nöt exist! Send all thöse foreigners back to their öwn cöuntry, I tell yöu! What are they doing in this imaginary place that belongs to us, ONLY TO US! And damn those crazy walloons for not working as hard as we, the Arian eh eh I mean Flemish people do and for stealing only the jobs we don't like, and not all of our jobs and ...(yada yada yada, goes on for hours) (We apologize for his poor knowledge of English grammar.)

Flag of Belgium

The fascist-Belgian flag, adopted by the Italian part of Belgium ruled by Berlusconi Mussolini.

The Swedish part of Belgium has its own government, but then again, they're Swedish so who gives a damn. The Italian part has two governments. The Korean part has one. There's a government for Brussels, one for each of the seventy provinces and one for the minorities of each language group in every one of the other regions and provinces. Every one of these governments has a corresponding House of Representatives and Senate. waffles? As a consequence, 2% of all Belgians is a minister and 18% is a member of parliament. 34% works for lower governments and the rest in the state administration. Finally, two Belgians are professional tennis players. Actual work is only done unofficially, and mostly by foreigners. Belgium has 83 Ministers of Internal Affairs and 138 Ministers of Administrative Simplification.

In 2010 the government collapsed because they couldn't agree about a final solution for the only question that matters to Belgians, what is the only real Belgian topping for our waffles? Elections were held and Bart The Weaver(NVA The Confederacy) and Elio Di Rupo(the Union) won them in their own separate fiefs in Belgium. Belgium will form it's next government once of these 2 dies of old age, or more likely someone realises they've been dead for years, corpses staring at each other.

Caution

No matter how many Japanese friends you have waving ############ pictures of Manneken Pis they allegedly took in the centre of "Brussels", the utopic capital of Belgium, pay no attention to their claims. It is an international conspiracy and Japan is as involved as anyone else. Belgium seems to be the hideout of dark creatures from the underworld, people like Cliff Blessinski, Poirot and Saddam Hussein (of whom is said he got caught in Belgium). Pay no attention to these ruthless lies and remember: Belgium Does Not Exist!

(Perhaps you were looking for the cube root of Belgium instead?)

Populations

Belgium

Supposed occupant of Belgium

Belgium has a population of 700, 300 from Singapore, 300 from North Korea, 50 from Sweden, 49 Belgians, many Moroccans, some Turks, a few Poles, 1.5 Chileans and 1 Punching Midget Counter-Terrorist called Sybil... and a hotplate! If you are wondering why that doesn't add up to 700, there are also -1.5 French people living there. The only three whelks in the world live in Antwerp.

Belgium is also the only country that has North-African Poles. These live in the subway of Brussels, they carry knives and are addicted to mp3's with songs of 50 Cent and other gold-wearing Negroes.

Drug culture in Belgium

“It's not easy being Belgian.”

Throughout its history, Belgium has had an embarrassing drug problem. Belgians will often times resort to drugs to take their minds off the misery of simply being Belgian. You can help! Click here to donate drugs to Belgium.

Urbanization

Belgium is one of the most urbanized regions in the world. This is first of allowing to Urbanus from Anus, the last Belgian pope (Outside link). Outside Belgium, Urbanus is mostly remembered for the Reformations of 1713 and for mooning the Council of Tollembeek. He was also the only pope to be re-elected into the office 3 times. The second reason for the high urbanization of Belgium is that any congregation consisting of more than 7 people is called a City. Belgium therefore also hosts the smallest city in the world, Durbuy, which has four inhabitants Julien, Marie-Claire, grand-mère and the five children. They are also the subjects of a reality show on Belgian television.

In consequence of its population being so dense, Belgium has an extensive public transport network, based around two hubs: Hors Service in the South (near Berlin) and Geen Dienst in the North (rumoured to be near Reykjavik, though nobody really knows). A peculiarity of the system is that, although 90% of buses and around 75% of trams and trains go to one or the other of these destinations, there is no direct service between them; the only option is to walk. This explains why the buses are always empty.

Famous Belgians

Tumbleweed

All the famous Belgians.

In 2005, the Belgian tourist board gathered all the famous Belgians together for a publicity shot. This is that photograph. The tourist board itself can be observed in the rear of the picture. Waffles, anyone?

The list:

  • Hercule Poirot
  • René Binamé
  • Ivan Saint-Sebastien
  • Pedro Von Kussel
  • Andre Benoit Du Chateau Nouveau
  • Filip "Baskuul-zuiper" Dhondt
  • Jean-Claude Van Damme
  • Tintin
  • The Smurfs
  • Adam Jow
  • Rudy Verboven
  • Donald Muylle
  • Rudi Kenis
  • Pedro Poublon
  • Jacky Lafon

...And many, many, many more!

True Metal

Belgium appears to have the highest rate of True Metals in the world (the moon not included), They tend to be highly aggressive and tend to start grunting randomly at people. After a true metal started the second interstellar war with the dwarfs, male species (female species are extremely rare) must be castrated before the age of 6, which doesn't prevent them for having sexual intercourse with caterpillars. They are also the main reason why Friedrich Nietzsche declared that god was dead (and vice versa). Belgians love death metal, black metal or any other metal rock. They think they rock harder than the Norwegians or Argies, which is not true but anyways... the Belgians can't stop watching Full Metal Alchemist, Code Lyoko or some of that Japan-France anime ####.

Science

Belgium is renowned for its many great scientists. Scientific research has shown that there are over two famous scientists in Belgium, the most famous of all being of course Sir Charles France, inventor of Denmark. The other one I forget. Still, science is very important in Belgium, even though it was officially forbidden in 1200 B.C. Thankfully by Sonny Storm. The Academie Française in France recently reclassified the French Walloons from "French" status to "Cro-Magnons", like they are the missing link between Aryans and Negroids.

Cities

Kabouter plop

The mayor of Brussels (middle) and some of his friends (it's funny because it's true).

Main article: Belgium/Cities

Brussels

This is the city where people decide whether or not you will be wearing red or purple underwear next year. It is the capital of the European Union. Brussels is also famous for its large red tape industry.

It is also where the Commission européenne is based or as the locals call it, the Belgian Mafia. 75% of the people are French who wanna stay in Flanders.

Don't forget to stop by the "Atomium" a large metal structure composed of several chrome steel spheres, the central sphere contains the central brain of Belgium a large lorry-sized brain wired up to Belgium's infrastructure, if the brain is damaged the whole country goes out of control and you'll free the enslaved Belgians from their brain master, the NATO headquarters building (MiniPax=World Peace is bad business) and the European parliament politicians do their dirty work like always.

Liège

Or most usually called "Principauté de Liège" or "Toxcity", is an independent state within the French part who mainly manufactures drugs, weapons and prostitutes.

The "perron" is the symbol of their freedom and they had the biggest cathedral of Europe (3 times bigger than "Notre-Dame de Paris").. which they destroyed to impulse the French Revolution.

The national day is on the 14th of July (guess how the French frogs chose their national day^^) and wave the French flag, while the Belgian flag makes good wall paper or window covering or other uses (rip up into rolls of toilet paper).

Their national anthems are "lî chant dî wallon" and "valeureux liégeois".

They make the Quebecois look like sissies who can't fight like a man.

The Cities Local symbol most closely resembles a middle finger. The cities board of administrators created this symbol in 1958, as a warning to visitors to fuck off.

Antwerp

Pronounced "An Twerp" like the weaklings they are, it was a favorite place for Nazi SS troops during WWII to pick on the peace-loving Belgians, also the highest number of Juden outside of Poland.

Antverpians are like the Liegeans, but wave Dutch flags and sing Dutch patriotic songs. One problem is the Netherlands is mostly Protestant, while the Flemings are mostly Roman Catholics who sought secession from the Dutch at the first place. That's why they hate themselves.

It has a huge seaport, with earth dikes breaking down and Antwerp needs to find a way to keep the North Sea away...or it's bye-bye to Antwerp.

References

nothing here, move on to the next section.

See also

External links

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