Belgium

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{{Infobox Belgium}}
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{| class="toccolours" border="1" cellpadding="4" style="float: right; margin: 0 0 1em 1em; width:200px; border-collapse: collapse; font-size: 95%; clear: right"
{{wikipedia}}[[Image:Manneken Pis urinating in Wikipedia.JPG|thumb|250px|A typical Belgian soaking up [http://lists.wikimedia.org/pipermail/wikien-l/2008-January/088494.html the public toilet]]]
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|+ style="margin-left: inherit; font-size: medium;" | '''Belgium'''<br>'''België'''<br>'''la Belgique'''<br>'''BELGIEN!'''
{{Q|What the|Belgium?}}
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'''Belgium''', or ''North-West Korea'', is a small state of peculiarity, [[confusion]] and mystery between [[France]] to the west, the [[Netherlands]] or Dutchland or Hollandria or whatever in the east, and [[Poland]] in the south. It is very famous for the fact that nobody really knows anything about the country, including the Belgians themselves, with the possible exception of divine beer, [[chocolate]] and chocolate cream porn.
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{| style="background: none;"
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|- align=center
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| [[File:Belgiumgfalg.png|190px|Flag of Belgium]]
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| [[Image:Mannekepis.jpg|175px|Coat of Arms of Belgium - Manneke Pis]]
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|- align=center
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| <small>(Flag)</small>
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| <small>(Coat of Arms - Manneke Pis)</small>
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|}
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|- align=center style="vertical-align: top;"
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| style="font-size:95%" colspan="2" | [[Anthem]]: "Technotronic - Pump up the jam"
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|- style="vertical-align: top;"
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| '''[[Capital]]'''
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| According to the [[Dutch]]-speaking part of Belgium: [[Antwerp]] (named Anvers by the French speaking part of Belgium). According to the [[French language|French]]-speaking part of Belgium: Namur (named Namen by the Dutch speaking part of Belgium). According to the [[German language|Nazi German]]-speaking part of Belgium: Vielsalm (non-existant according to the rest of Belgium). According to the people who live in [[Brussels]]: [[Brussels]].
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|- style="vertical-align: top;"
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| '''Largest&nbsp;city'''
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| According to the [[Dutch]]-speaking part of Belgium: [[Antwerp]] (named Anvers by the French speaking part of Belgium). According to the [[French language|French]]-speaking part of Belgium: Liège (named Luik by the Dutch speaking part of Belgium). According to the [[German language|Nazi German]]-speaking part of Belgium: Eupen (non-existant according to the rest of Belgium). According to the people who live in [[Brussels]]: [[Brussels]].
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|- style="vertical-align: top;"
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| '''Official&nbsp;languages'''
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| Flemish, French, Nazi German and Nothing
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|- style="vertical-align: top;"
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| '''Government'''<br>Dictator
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| [[Jean-Claude Van Damme]]
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|- style="vertical-align: top;"
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| '''National Heroes'''
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| The [[Smurfs]]
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|- style="vertical-align: top;"
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| '''[[Currency]]'''
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| French fries (The chocolate melts too fast).
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|- style="vertical-align: top;"
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| '''Religion'''
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| Belgian Mythology
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|- style="vertical-align: top;"
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| '''Population'''
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| According to the [[Dutch]]- and [[German language|Nazi German]]-speaking part, there aren't any Belgians. According to the [[French language|French]]-speaking part, there are about 11 million Belgians, of wich approximately 4 million are superior to the other 6 million.
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|- style="vertical-align: top;"
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|}
   
Belgium is roughly the size of Belgium, which is the size of Luxemburg to the power of three. The state has the weight of 38 fifteen-year-old white middle class Americans.
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[[Category:Do not categorize]]
   
== Mystery and mythology ==
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{{wikipedia}}[[Image:Manneken Pis urinating in Wikipedia.JPG|thumb|250px|A typical Belgian soaking up [http://lists.wikimedia.org/pipermail/wikien-l/2008-January/088494.html the public toilet]]]
Many people know Belgians for their good chocolate, others know them for their good beer and pr0n but, surprisingly enough, only a handful of people know that they are experts of disguise. Latest CIA's reports show that about 60% of Belgians are able to disguise as Dutch, and the rest of them as French in disguise, respectively using fake big teeth and [[Poirot]] mustaches. It's a fact that, in case of high need, the Belgians are even able to transform themselves in Germans by surgically removing half of their brain cells, or in Hollanders by only keeping 1% of their natural brain volume.
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{{Q|Never heard of it|A German living 3 miles to Belgium|Belgium}}
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{{Q|Nope|A Frenchman living 2 miles to Belgium|Belgium}}
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'''Belgium''', ''Unknownium'', ''Nonexistium'' or ''Atomiumium'' is a small state of peculiarity, [[confusion]] and mystery between [[France]] to the west, the [[Netherlands]] or Dutchland or Hollandria or whatever in the east, and [[Poland]] in the south. It is a confederacy of two and a half highly distinct and incompatible nations. The main occupation in Belgium is asking oneself what Belgium is, and why - and ''if'' - it exists. Belgium is very famous for the fact that nobody really knows anything about the country, including the Belgians themselves.
   
Of course, all this is top secret stuff and thus all Belgians will deny this fact. Fortunately for them, they have managed to complicate their whole country so excessively that no outsider will ever take the effort of trying to understand it, nor will anybody be interested in it. As a logic consequence, the Belgians are free to do whatever they want, and "everything" includes nude drunk dancing in public while being armed - which is a cultural habit in Belgium. This mysteriousness allows them to make some ingenious but evil plans in utter secret, for example to abruptly conquer the entire planet by using their advanced cloning and brain surgery skills (which mentioned above). As a matter of facts, Belgian mythology states that the Belgianification of the world must and will once take place. As the godfather of Belgian mythology, Jean-Pierre Van Hamme, stated: we shall conquer the world, we shall capture each and every state, we shall rename them, all of them, as Belgium - finally creating more than fifty Belgiums and complicating things even more, as it should, being Belgian.
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According to the latest textbooks of American public schools, Gaul is divided into three parts, one of which the Belgians inhabit. The Belgians are the bravest, because they are furthest from the civilization and refinement of our Province, and merchants least frequently resort to them, and import those things which tend to [[Petticoating|effeminate]] the mind; and they are the nearest to the [[German]]s, who dwell beyond the Rhine, with whom they are continually waging war; for which reason the [[Swiss]] also surpass the rest of the Gauls in valor, as they contend with the Germans in almost daily battles, when they either repel them from their own territories, or themselves wage war on their frontiers.
   
Another cunning plan of the Belgians was it to keep their numerous heavenly beers - and they have hundreds of them - for themselves, allowing the inferior "beer" Heineken to spread over the globe as a cancer. The Belgians would soon become the only ones not contaminated with this Dutch body-and-mind-deteriorating crap, which over some decades would make them the strongest people on earth. Belgianification could commence. Also, old stories, in Belgium believed to be true, tell that they discovered [[chocolate]]. Certainly, no-one doubts that the Central-Belgian chocolate mines were discovered by native Belgians. If that's not enough, they want us to believe that they make the best Belgian cheese and indeed, no other country has ever proved itself better at - or has ever come up with the idea of - making Belgian cheese. Again, one good proof of Belgium's refined skills.
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Belgium is fictionally - because fundamentally it is not known at all - known to be possibly fictional, and to be more specific a phantasm of former United States president [[Bill Clinton]]. Although this statement might be fictional as well.
   
In fact, Belgians state that they make the best chocolate ''and'' that they invented [[French fries]]. However, the nowadays French-speaking and formerly Nothing-speaking community of the nation did invent French and Frenchness - to allow the Dutch-speaking community to start hating it - so, in essence, the previous statement may well be true.
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==Truth and untruth==
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===The lies: Belgium’s fame===
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According to the Belgian book ''Belgium’s Fame'', Belgium would be famous for its chocolate, waffles, beers, cheese, French fries and, above all, the discovery that all these go great together. In reality though, there is no living Belgian who actually knows anything of all this, nor has any Belgian ever read or even heard of this book. Therefore, we can conclude that absolutely ''no living being'' has any mental conception of the idea of “Belgium’s fame”. Unsurprisingly, in linguistical terms, the phrase “Belgium’s fame” is unquestionably the ultimate example of contradictio in terminis.
   
Not only did they invent [[French fries]], [[tap water]], [[Chocolate]], Belgian [[Cheese]], [[waffles]], and on top of that discover they go great together — according to the Belgians, even the saxophone was invented by a Belgian named Adolphe Sax. However, there is a lot of dispute concerning this (un)known Belgian scientist, and all that is historically proven about this brilliant man, is that he is the inventor of the mussel, of the for foreigners too large condom, and of sex (previously spelled ''sax''). Did you know that the design of the first saxophone was originally based on that of the FFTLC (the for foreigners too large condom)? Anyway, half-dead and ''very'' irritatingly three-point-nine-quarters-deaf, he now resides in a small village in Spain called Valor, pissing off his neighbours with 49 minute sax solos. (Spaniards are well known to hate saxophone music). Last year he celebrated his 127th birthday.
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But still, it is true that Belgians are the best at making Belgian cheese: no other country has ever proven itself better at - or has ever come up with the idea of - making Belgian cheese.
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Even more, it is true that the (southern) Belgians invented French fries. As a matter of fact, it was they who invented French and Frenchness, to allow the northern Belgians to start hating it. And they succeeded.
   
Having the best chocolate and secretly most divine beers in the world, it is well known that the combination of both produces the factual most famous indigestion in the world. Fortunately, nude drunk vomiting in public while being armed is a very pleasant cultural habit in Belgium.
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===The truth: mystery, mythology, and evil===
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The truth about why you will never hear anything about Belgium is that the Belgians have managed to complicate their whole country so excessively that no outsider will ever take the effort of trying to understand it, nor will anybody be interested in it. As a logic consequence, they are free to do whatever they want, and "everything" includes nude drunk dancing in public while dangerously swinging back and forth a machine gun - which is a cultural habit in Belgium.
   
==Chocolates and Kubrick and the influence on their great sex lives==
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It is because of the country’s mysteriousness and all other nations’ general - and very natural - disinterest in it, that most European Union bodies are situated in its capital, Brussels: to cover their gay sex-oriented activities. It was actually thanks to the Belgians that the European Union was even born: Belgium is the only country in which massive international, multilingual and interracial gay hard core sex organizations that use the idea of a central supranational political force for a whole continent as a cover for its true purposes, were not illegal. European president Herman van Rompuy sure is a naughty boy.
[[Image:Tintin2.jpg|thumb|left|[[Tintin]] wants you to keep it a secret.]]
 
   
First of all, Belgians invented chocolate. Chocolate was invented in 1969 by the famous Belgian director, Stanley Kubrick. Since everyone knows Kubrick (also known from the Emanuelle series, Red Shoe Diaries, Sex and the City (this was his early period), and many more) it's unnecessary to say that it contains a great amount of Spanish fly.
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[[Image:17194519 F tn.jpg|thumb|left|The evil Belgian]]
   
This is also the reason why Belgians have such a great sex life, because Belgians eat so much chocolate a day, it often happens that people suddenly take their clothes off in trains, at work, and on the streets, and jump on the person closest to them.
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This Belgian mysteriousness is due to their heathen beliefs, in which Belgianification of the globe is seen as the utter Nirvana.
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Belgian mythology states that this process must and will once take place. As the godfather of Belgian mythology, Godfather O’Balgianmythologey, once expressed it: "We shall conquer the world, we shall capture each and every state, we shall rename them, all of them, as Belgium - finally creating more than 190 Belgiums and excessively complicating the whole matter, as it should, being Belgian." In this way they would be able to scare off other galaxies with their uninteresting complexity, in preparation of their next goal, universe domination. No-one knows what they would actually intend to do when they have conquered the universe. Certainly not the Belgians, who sadly don’t even have a clue of what the word Nirvana (which their mythology Godfather mentions all of the time) would even mean.
   
==History of Belgium==
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But only very recently, the process seems to have been put in action: in the 19th century, Belgians utterly cunningly undertook two notable steps to world domination: firstly, Belgian beer brewers purposely helped their northern nabours mess up their inferior “beer” Heineken, and spread this nastiness over the globe as a cancer. Secondly, by keeping their numerous divine beers secret, the Belgians would soon become the only earthlings not contaminated with this Dutch body-and-mind-deteriorating crap. Over some decades, this would make them the strongest people on earth. Belgianification could commence.
[[File:Belgian.gif|thumb|150px|Supposed flag of Belgium. It would supposedly be called "ceci n'est pas la Belgique"]]
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Indeed, Belgians are evil.
[[Image:Map of Belgium.jpg|thumbnail|right|How Belgium should look, [[Media:Belgium Partition.png|more realistic partition]]]]
 
It all began a long long time ago in 1972 when the Belgian people rose against the [[French]] and [[Dutch]] bullies who had used the country as a massive chemical landfill for about 700 years. Into the festering wens of Belgium these insensitive foreigners threw not only their nuclear waste but also their malformed [[children]], their unwanted pets, and their malformed pets and their unwanted children, and whatever Englishmen they could lay hands on.
 
   
The Belgians armed themselves with empty matchboxes half-filled with air and, in fierce battle, attacked the [[French]]. Advancing over a front of several kilometres based on the brilliant tactics of [[Alan Alda]], they smashed the entire [[French army]], killing or severely frightening 2.3 million "men" even though the Belgians numbered only 672 men and three armoured goats. The fight against the Dutch was rather different, as General Atomium told the Dutch commander that the Polderdyke had broken and his country was under water, and the Dutch army turned smartly about and went home - the Netherlands flood about 17 times each year, this is one of the many reasons why they conquered Germany: to gain the moral high ground.
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===Some more facts===
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* Belgians are experts of disguise. In case of high need, they are able to transform themselves into Frenchmen by surgically removing half of their brain cells, or in Dutchmen by only keeping 1% of their natural brain volume. With the help of fake big teeth and [[Poirot]] mustaches, respectively.
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* As an aim to frighten outsiders, the country was originally named Belgiaanaakfraaitafraaityanum. Yet in common speech Belgians use to drop the ''-aanaakfraaitafraaityan-'' in most words, for example in the word ''eaanaakfraaitafraaityann'', which means ''and'' in Dutch.
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* To cover their heathen beliefs, they built churches. To preserve these relatively pointless monuments, they pay millions a year. To afford all this, they invented the euro.
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* One major stereotype linked to the Belgians is that their main celebrities are fictional, for example Tintin, Plop the Gnome, Gargamel and Hercule Poirot. True as this may be, after all, seen from another angle all Belgians are probably fictional creatures created by [[Bill Clinton]].
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* Whenever France and Germany have a 'disagreement', Belgium is the first to suffer despite not being part of either country.
   
Due to the foreign invaders' tradition of systematically raping all Belgian women for several centuries, Belgium has become a mixed-race culture with two glorious components: the [[wikipedia:Wallonia|Walloons]], who are the direct descendants of French soldiers; and the Flemish, who are the direct descendants of Dutch soldiers. The Walloons inherited the French idea of a multi-cultural jacobinistic authoritarian society - where all cultures are welcome and tolerated as long as they surrender to the dominant French ''valeurs'' and ultimately recognize that they do not exist, and French intellectualism, also known as ''stupidité''. The Flemish, on the other hand, are hyperactive uneducated farmers and bad ass fascists inhibited by the fact they speak the ugliest language on Earth; they also produce more mucus than any other people on Earth.
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==Belgians and sax==
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If there is one thing that characterizes Belgian society, it must be sax. So if it doen’t, the Belgians must be totally uncharacterizable and thus in some way soulless. As a matter of facts, they could even be zombies. But, even though these surely are plausible theories, let’s assume - or pretend? - that they do have some culture and history.
   
Inter-group marriage has been severely inhibited by systematic back-stabbing. Dutch-Walloon couples that manage to survive disdain, mischief, reprobation, persecution, murder, slavery and suitless outer space EVA do take traditional husband-wife misunderstandings to a whole new level of bitterness, as they both hurl insults in each other's language while pretending not to understand it.
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===The roots of sax===
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Adolphe Sax is the inventor of the saxophone, and currently dead. However, there is a lot of dispute concerning this <del>famous</del> utterly unkown Belgian scientist, and all that is historically proven about this brilliant man, is that he is the inventor of the mussel, of the for foreigners too large condom, and of sex (previously spelled ''sax''). {{factoid|the design of the first saxophone was originally based on that of the FFTLC (the for foreigners too large condom)?}}
   
Over the ages, Belgium constantly got pushed around by [[France]] and [[Germany]] and happily hosted their wars when the two fell out. After [[World War One]] and [[World War Two]], Belgium attempted to host other happy events, including the [[Eurovision Song Contest]], which failed because Belgium has no talent whatsoever.
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Adolphe Sax is frequently considered to be a figment of president [[Bill Clinton]]'s imagination, as the whole country of Belgium itself is too. Clinton, being the only foreigner to whom the definition of the FFTLC does not apply, would have come up with the name ''Belgium'' as he was unable to read the characters after the "Made in B" on the FFTLC - he would have hurt his eye with the top of his saxophone. Which is very (Belgianly) confusing since he could impossibly have invented the origin from the inventions that form the actual reason of coming across the idea of inventing it. For this reason, the Bill Clinton anecdote may be called as confusing and possibly fictional as Belgium itself.
   
Belgium got involved in both World Wars in order for some landscaping. Apparently it wasn't fun being flat any more, so they got some Germans to shell the crap out of it, and now it has some quite nice hills. These hills are fun for the children, who like to go sledging in winter. They are also useful for invading armies, who hide behind them. Also, see [[wikipedia:The Hills Have Eyes|The Quite Nice Hills of Belgium]].
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===The rise of sax===
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In Belgium’s early days, when the very very extreme majority (one hundred percent) of the inhabitants spoke Nothing, the Belgians soon discovered that sax (or sex) is a very pleasant thing. This sudden shift in social behaviour resulted in a demographical rise, very to the Belgians’ surprise.
   
==Language==
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{{Q|Damn, where do all these babies come from?|A primitive Belgian|sax}}
   
Belgium has four official languages: [[HowTo:Make People Believe Absurdities|Belgiumese]], [[French]], [[Dutch]] and [[German]]. Which they all master better than all other people speaking these languages. However Belgians get mightily offended if their language is referred to as [[Dutch]], so they pretend it is really called [[Dutch|Flemish]] instead.
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Yet it did not take them long to realize that with a population foundation of about 5 Belgians, the descendants were often malformed. It didn’t take them very long either to find a solution to this problem. Partly, the unwanted handicapped babies were sent to Mongolia, where they founded Mongolian culture. The other not-so-tenderly-loved children were brought to the tiny Nazi German speaking part of Belgium, also called Little Auschwitz, where they knew exactly how to handle little ones.
   
Belgium is also known through-out the galaxy as the most revolting swear word in the whole of the known universe. Unfortunately, there is only one planet in existence that hasn't realized this.
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Together with this historical event, the Great Central Belgian Chocolate Mines were discovered. These mines contained ancient fossils of prehistorical Spanish fly. These fossils made Belgian chocolate a highly effective afrodisiacum. And that’s how their tradition of systematically raping all Dutch, French and Nazi German women hails from. It was part of the tradition to take the offspring back to the homeland, and to dump the Belgian genetic waste - the pile of malformed babies that were simply too much to handle for General Fritz Atomium, the only Little Auschwitz citizen - in Belgium’s neighboring countries. Therefore, Belgium has become a mixed-race culture with two glorious components: the [[wikipedia:Wallonia|Walloons]], who are the direct descendants of the French; and the Flemish, who are the direct descendants of the Dutch. The Walloons inherited the French idea of a multi-cultural jacobinistic authoritarian society - where all cultures are welcome and tolerated as long as they surrender to the dominant French ''valeurs'' and ultimately recognize that they do not exist, and French intellectualism, also known as ''stupidité''. The Flemish, on the other hand, are hyperactive uneducated farmers and bad ass fascists inhibited by the fact that they speak the ugliest language on Earth. Because of this, they moved from Dutch to Flemish.
   
==National Stereotyping==
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===Sax in everyday Belgian life===
[[Image:17194519 F tn.jpg|thumb|The Belgian]]
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[[Image:Tintin2.jpg|thumb|left|[[Tintin]] wants you to keep it a secret.]]
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* Up to today, Belgians have great sex lives. Because Belgians eat so much chocolate a day, it often happens that people suddenly take their clothes off in trains, at work or on the streets to jump on the person closest to them. It is hard for native Belgians to realize that tourists don’t see rape as a nice compliment.
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* Having the best chocolate and secretly most divine beers in the world, no-one doubts that the combination of both produces the factual worst possible indigestion in the world. Fortunately, nude drunk vomiting in public while dangerously swinging back and forth a machine gun is a very pleasant cultural habit in Belgium.
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* Inter-group marriage has been severely inhibited by systematic back-stabbing. Flemish-Walloon couples that manage to survive disdain, mischief, reprobation, persecution, murder, slavery and suitless outer space EVA do take traditional husband-wife misunderstandings to a whole new level of bitterness, as they both hurl insults in each other's language while pretending not to understand it.
   
Belgians hate Dutch people, although, science has shown that everybody else in the world, including the Dutch and the rest of Europe, US, Canada, Japan, China, Australia and New Zealand are about 300 billion times better than Belgium and its pathetic population. As a corollary, these alcoholic retard Belgians act like, and therefore think and believe they are superior to everyone else (''pictured''). Belgians like to make jokes about the Dutch being tight with their money, about their arrogance and inferiority complex e.g.:
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==Language==
 
{{Q|How do you catch a Dutch man? You slam the toilet seat down while he's drinking.|A Belgian|Dutch people}}
 
 
Dutch people in their turn regard Belgians as stupid, e.g. (to a Belgian):
 
 
{{Q|How do you confuse a Belgian? 19....|A Dutch person|Belgians}}
 
 
{{Q|Huh?|A Belgian person|the previous quote}}
 
 
Needless to say, both Belgians and Dutch hate [[Germans]] and French people - as indeed does all the rest of Europe, apart from [[England]], who love France for its believed superior manipulation of the internet to catch horses; horses have been extinct in England since the National Bonfire Success of 1777, and in reality it is in fact [[Portugal|Portugal]] whose horse-catching abilities have been falsely transposed onto the frog-eating [[Paedophile|untermensch]].
 
 
One major stereotype linked to the Belgians is that their main celebrities are fictional, for example Tintin and Poirot. However, this doesn't concern the Belgians as all Belgians are fictional creatures created by [[Bill Clinton]] in aftermath of a failed bet with [[Rupert Murdoch]].
 
 
==Infrastrucure==
 
Needless to say, the infrastructure in Belgium is, just like its people, the worst in the world. This however, can be noticed chiefly by individuals from Canada, Germany, the United Kingdom, the United States, Holland and Australia. Not so by people from Albania, Kazakhstan or other countries (if existent). The retarded nazis from the flipped German flagged nation will never give up dissuading these people from asserting this though.
 
 
==Politics==
 
[[Image:Samson en gert.JPG|right|thumb|160px|Current president (right) and vice-president (left) of Belgium. Mwoa Gertje!]]
 
Belgium has less power than Daewoo and really doesn't need a leader, however that doesn't discourage Belgium's politicians as one of the few notable facts about Belgian politics is that voting is mandatory. Every person under the age of 5 can receive the [[death penalty]] if they refuse to vote. This has recently led to a fabulous 71 percent election victory for the PEL, the Party for Eternal [[Life]]. Once the party assumed power in Belgium, they immediately abolished the national superannuation scheme, which explains why Belgium's workforce is currently the oldest in the world.
 
 
Also, the king of Belgium is required by popular mandate to be regularly serviced by [[Asia]]n [[prostitute]]s, with a severe [[spanking]] from the crown prince being the punishment for non-compliance. [[The]] king is well known for his non-compliance.
 
 
The current No-Prime Minister of Belgium, Yves -good for nothing- Leterme, is a semi-intelligent monkey, and has the full confidence of king Paola , who gives him bananas three times a day. in reality leterme is actually controlled by an Italian rumpriding dimwit known as Elio Di Rupo, who is known to actually think that the majority of the country is actually interested in extending the French in disguise job content from the French border to the fish in the north sea at the coast, and also for riding on fat bunnies. thanks to both their incompetence there is actually no governing at the moment, they just blabber, whine, and generally just wank about generally claiming stupid stuff.
 
 
In the German part of Belgium, there is an upcoming political party called "Vlaams Behang" Flemish Wallpaper, followers of the great Ned Flanders himself. They are against sex, pie, Belgian beers, intelligent statements, gravity and 39 percent of the First Law of Thermodynamics.
 
 
FW's most popular politician, Flippo Dewinter: ''Yöu have been lied toe: Belgium does nöt exist! Send all thöse [[foreigners]] back to their öwn cöuntry, I tell yöu! What are they doing in this imaginary place that belongs to us, ONLY TO US! And damn those crazy walloons for not working as hard as we, the Arian eh eh I mean Flemish people do and for stealing only the jobs we don't like, and not all of our jobs and ...(yada yada yada, goes on for hours)''
 
(We apologize for his poor knowledge of English grammar.)
 
[[Image:Flag of Belgium.png|right|thumb|190px|The fascist-Belgian flag, adopted by the Italian part of Belgium ruled by [[Benito Mussolini|Berlusconi Mussolini]].]]
 
 
The Swedish part of Belgium has its own government, but then again, they're Swedish so who gives a damn. The Italian part has two governments. The Korean part has one. There's a government for Brussels, one for each of the seventy provinces and one for the minorities of each language group in every one of the other regions and provinces. Every one of these governments has a corresponding [[House of Representatives]] and [[Senate]]. waffles? As a consequence, 2% of all Belgians is a minister and 18% is a member of parliament. 34% works for lower governments and the rest in the state administration. Finally, two Belgians are professional [[tennis]] players. Actual work is only done unofficially, and mostly by foreigners. Belgium has 83 Ministers of Internal Affairs and 138 Ministers of Administrative Simplification.
 
   
In 2010 the government collapsed because they couldn't agree about a final solution for the only question that matters to Belgians, what is the only real Belgian topping for our waffles? Elections were held and Bart The Weaver(NVA The Confederacy) and Elio Di Rupo(the Union) won them in their own separate fiefs in Belgium. Belgium will form it's next government once of these 2 dies of old age, or more likely someone realises they've been dead for years, corpses staring at each other.
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Belgium has four official languages: [[French]] in the southern part, [[Dutch]] in the northern part, [[German]] in the Nazi part, and [[Nihilism|Nothing]] throughout the whole country. Which they all scarily and absurdly master better than all other people speaking these languages, and certainly better than the [[Netherlands|Hollanders]]. Except for Herman Van Rompuy.
   
==Caution==
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===Dutch and the Move to Flemish Movement===
No matter how many [[Japanese]] friends you have waving [[###########|############]] pictures of [[wikipedia:manneken|Manneken Pis]] they allegedly took in the centre of "[[Brussels]]", the [[utopia|utopic]] capital of Belgium, pay no attention to their claims. It is an international [[conspiracy]] and [[Japan]] is as involved as anyone else.
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A lot of Belgians speak Dutch. The reason for this is, as the Belgians claim, "because our mommies and daddies speak it". Further linguistic examination shows us that these mommies and daddies' mommies and daddies respond with the exact same answer. Nevertheless, even further examination remarkably shows that the mommies and daddies of the mommies and daddies' mommies and daddies do not speak Dutch at all - they are all, without exception, speakers of the language of Nothing. Some recent studies could establish a relationship between this fact on the one hand and on the other hand, the fact that they're all dead. Though some quite critical critics object this theory.
Belgium seems to be the hideout of [[nerds|dark creatures]] from the [[hell|underworld]], people like Cliff Blessinski, Poirot and [[Saddam Hussein]] (of whom is said he got caught in Belgium).
 
Pay no attention to these ruthless lies and remember: ''Belgium Does Not Exist!''
 
   
(Perhaps you were looking for [[Indiana|the cube root of Belgium]] instead?)
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However, in the Late Middle Ages, some famous - though in reality, all Belgians are just equally unknown - and ingenious Belgians discovered that speaking Dutch causes some severe issues, some of which fatal. These issues had eventually moved the Belgians to make the Move to Flemish Movement.
  +
* Most importantly, the disgust that certain Dutch phonemes universally bring on - and in particular the extremely sickening and horridly repulsing rasping-and-retching sound which the Hollanders still think the CH should be pronounced as - used to be of great inconvenience: in those days it wasn't uncommon at all to see people around you vomit whenever you started speaking. People simply got overwhelmed by uncontrollable revulsion. Certainly in periods of famine, this was a huge problem. This is the main reason why the Dutch up to today, not having moved to Flemish, are still very tight with money: one has always to be prepared for a period of less resistance to Dutch speech disgust. In these times of famine, a very effective way of joking and bullying (and murdering) consisted of constantly saying goodday, good morning and good afternoon, which in Dutch is ''CHCHoeiedaCH'', ''CHoeiemojCHCHe'' and ''CHCHoeiemiddaCHCH''. If ''good evening'' didn't do the trick (''CHoeie afent''), you could still have some patience and remorselessly throw them the words ''CHCHCHoeienaCHCHt'' in the face (''good night''). And if even that was not enough, you could still give that old Dutch cradlesong a try that imitates the sea sound. Translated into Dutch, this gives the following lyrics: ''CHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCH''. Dutch bedclothes were often dirty.
   
==Populations==
+
* What is more, the Dutch language, internationally accepted as the Big Throat Disease, causes throat cancer. Therefore, Dutchmen very commonly die young, with their voice and power of speech deteriorating at the speed of voice-and-power-of-speech-deterioration. Already in an early stage, the only sound they can make is that of the old lullaby mentioned above. In the earliest stages of Belgianness, the Belgians desperately needed to reproduce (originally, in the Stone Age, the total number of Belgians was zero), so they couldn't afford anyone to die of linguistic causes. Belgian investigation again proves that "Even when the Dutch do not die of throat cancer, they always die", giving them an extra reason to move to Flemish.
[[Image:Belgium.jpg|thumbnail|150px|right|Supposed occupant of Belgium]]
 
   
Belgium has a population of 700, 300 from [[Singapore]], 300 from [[North Korea]], 50 from [[Sweden]], 49 [[Belgians]], many [[Morocco|Moroccans]], some [[Turks]], a few [[Poles]], 1.5 [[Chile]]ans and 1 [[Midget cockpunching terrorists|Punching Midget Counter-Terrorist called Sybil]]... and a hotplate! If you are wondering why that doesn't add up to 700, there are also -1.5 French people living there.
+
* On top of that, not suffering from the Dutchmen's minority complex, Belgians find it unnecessary to always be talking in a shouting and squealing way to get the public's attention. To the contrary, the Belgians, as already emerged in this article, prefer to mysteriously stay in the background to hide their world domination plans. Dutchmen were also frequently shot and killed by hunters, who reported that they sounded like crows, vultures, ostriches, baboons, hyenas, sharks, Dutchmen, geese, evil donkeys, and that "I am just necrophiliac".
The only three whelks in the world live in [[Antwerp]].
 
   
Belgium is also the only country that has North-African Poles. These live in the subway of Brussels, they carry knives and are addicted to mp3's with songs of 50 Cent and other gold-wearing Negroes.
+
Given all these reasons, it has been a wise decision of the Belgians to improve the Dutch language into a less annoying and mortal version, which they called Flemish. Unfortunately, it does force them to produce great masses of mucus, which is verry irritating when playing the saxophone. Out of the question, in Spanish, Flemish is called ''flamenco''. To a higher level out of the question, according to Google Translate, "I like to beat my Flemish wife 'cause she's damn ugly" is to be translated to Spanish as "Me gusta golpear la causa de mi esposa flamenco 'ella es maldita fea".
   
==Drug culture in Belgium==
+
===The other tongues===
{{Q|It's not easy being Belgian.|Kermit the Frog}}
+
As for the southern French-speaking part of the country, things are completely different: they're simply weak imitations of the French, though wannabe-French and un-French enough to bizarrely be ''pathetically yet insufficiently French''. The generally neglected German-speaking part, which is surprisingly enough even ''far'' more uninteresting and unknown than Belgium itself, even ''in'' Belgium itself, is a remain of Nazi Germany, and so the inhabitants speak Nazi German. As for the Nothing-speaking part: nothing.
Throughout its history, Belgium has had an embarrassing drug problem. Belgians will often times resort to drugs to take their minds off the misery of simply ''being'' Belgian. You can help! [http://www.fimafrica.org/ Click here] to donate drugs to Belgium.
 
   
==Urbanization==
+
==Cultural confusion==
Belgium is one of the most urbanized regions in the world. This is first of allowing to Urbanus from Anus, the last Belgian [[pope]] ([http://members.lycos.nl/PNieuwenburg/urbanus.htm Outside link]). Outside Belgium, Urbanus is mostly remembered for the Reformations of 1713 and for mooning the Council of Tollembeek. He was also the only pope to be re-elected into the office 3 times. The second reason for the high urbanization of Belgium is that any congregation consisting of more than 7 people is called a [[City]]. Belgium therefore also hosts the smallest city in the world, Durbuy, which has four inhabitants Julien, Marie-Claire, grand-mère and the five children. They are also the subjects of a reality show on Belgian television.
+
===Belgian-Dutch (mis)communication===
  +
Communication is an important element in the average Belgian’s life. It is an attitude they share with their northern neighbors, the Dutch. Still, when put the two together, it can give some peculiar results.
   
In consequence of its population being so dense, Belgium has an extensive public transport network, based around two hubs: ''Hors Service'' in the South (near Berlin) and ''Geen Dienst'' in the North (rumoured to be near Reykjavik, though nobody really knows). A peculiarity of the system is that, although 90% of buses and around 75% of trams and trains go to one or the other of these destinations, there is no direct service between them; the only option is to walk. This explains why the buses are always empty.
+
Firstly, there is one general rule that is true for all Dutchman-to-Belgian conversations: ''they all end with a Dutchman unable to comprehend the Belgian and a Belgian giving up motivation to explain things to Dutchmen.'' Also, there is always one general, relatively uncomplicated yet very interesting conclusion that both parties make after these conversations. Which will be explained later on.
   
==Famous Belgians==
+
The second rule is that, in their free time, Belgians and Dutchmen use to hate each other. On the one hand, the Belgians have established the folkloristic habit of making jokes about the Dutchmen. Since 1890, Belgian government even has a law for it: ''thou shalt make fun of the Hollanders. Thou shalt focus on their silliness, dumbness, appearance, way of <nowiki>screeching</nowiki> (speaking) and their inferiority complex, but most of all, thou shalt laugh at them being inhumanly - as our Belgian scientists have already proven - stingy. Also, thou shalt use “thou shalt” in stead of “you must”.'' Ignoring the 4% minimum paedophilia law, this has been the most respected Belgian law since time immemorial.
[[Image:Tumbleweed.jpg|thumb|right|300px|All the famous Belgians.]]
 
In 2005, the Belgian tourist board gathered all the famous Belgians together for a publicity shot. This is that photograph. The tourist board itself can be observed in the rear of the picture. Waffles, anyone?
 
   
The list:
+
For example:
*[[Hercule Poirot]]
 
*René Binamé
 
*Ivan Saint-Sebastien
 
*Pedro Von Kussel
 
*Andre Benoit Du Chateau Nouveau
 
*Filip "Baskuul-zuiper" Dhondt
 
*[[Jean-Claude Van Damme]]
 
*Tintin
 
*The Smurfs
 
*Adam Jow
 
*Rudy Verboven
 
*Donald Muylle
 
*Rudi Kenis
 
*Pedro Poublon
 
*Jacky Lafon
 
...And many, many, many more!
 
   
==True Metal==
+
{{Q|How do you catch a Dutchman? You slam the toilet seat down while he's drinking.|A Belgian|Dutch people}}
Belgium appears to have the highest rate of [[True Metal]]s in the world (the moon not included), They tend to be highly aggressive and tend to start grunting randomly at people. After a true metal started the [[don't be stupid|second interstellar war with the dwarfs]], male species (female species are extremely rare) must be castrated before the age of 6, which doesn't prevent them for having sexual intercourse with caterpillars. They are also the main reason why [[Friedrich Nietzsche]] declared that [[god]] was dead (and vice versa). Belgians love [[death metal]], [[black metal]] or any other metal rock. They think they rock harder than the [[Norway|Norwegians]] or [[Argentina|Argies]], which is not true but anyways... the Belgians can't stop watching [[Full Metal Alchemist]], [[Code Lyoko]] or some of that [[Japan-France]] anime ####.
 
   
==Science==
+
On the other hand, Dutch people regard Belgians stupid, e.g. (to a Belgian):
Belgium is renowned for its many great scientists. Scientific research has shown that there are over two famous scientists in Belgium, the most famous of all being of course Sir Charles France, inventor of Denmark. The other one I forget. Still, science is very important in Belgium, even though it was officially forbidden in 1200 B.C. Thankfully by Sonny Storm. The Academie Française in France recently reclassified the French Walloons from "French" status to "Cro-Magnons", like they are the missing link between Aryans and Negroids.
 
   
==Cities==
+
{{Q|How cumfyoosh you a Belchan? Tsfentsee-Wan....|A Dutch person, in an attempt to pronounce "How do you confuse a Belgian? 21..."}}
[[Image:Kabouter plop.jpg|right|thumb|200px|The mayor of Brussels (middle) and some of his friends (it's funny because it's true).]]
 
{{Main|Belgium/Cities}}
 
   
===Brussels===
+
{{Q|Huh?|The Belgian person|the previous quote, indicating not to be capable of decoding bad Dutch pronunciation}}
This is the city where people decide whether or not you will be wearing red or purple underwear next year. It is the capital of the European Union. Brussels is also famous for its large [[red tape]] industry.
+
(In this mysterious and subtle way, the Belgian hopes to open the Dutchman's eyes to his feeble linguistic intelligence).
   
It is also where the Commission européenne is based or as the locals call it, the Belgian [[Mafia]]. 75% of the people are French who wanna stay in Flanders.
+
{{Q|Haha!|The Dutch person, thinking he's confused the Belgian and so made a good joke"}}
   
Don't forget to stop by the [[boring|"Atomium"]] a large metal structure composed of several chrome steel spheres, the central sphere contains the central brain of Belgium a large lorry-sized brain wired up to Belgium's infrastructure, if the brain is damaged the whole country goes out of control and you'll free the enslaved Belgians from their brain master, the NATO headquarters building (MiniPax=World Peace is bad business) and the European parliament [[politician]]s do their dirty work like always.
+
{{Q|''Sight...''|The Belgian person"}}
   
===Liège===
+
It may not surprise that the general both-party conclusion after these nice chats generally reads as follows:
Or most usually called "Principauté de Liège" or "Toxcity", is an independent state within the French part who mainly manufactures drugs, weapons and prostitutes.
 
   
The "perron" is the symbol of their freedom and they had the biggest cathedral of Europe (3 times bigger than "Notre-Dame de Paris").. which they destroyed to impulse the [[French Revolution]].
+
'''Dumbass.'''
   
The national day is on the 14th of July (guess how the French frogs chose their national day^^) and wave the French flag, while the Belgian flag makes good wall paper or window covering or other uses (rip up into rolls of toilet paper).
+
Note that the Belgians are the least confusable people in the world, since they are accustomed to the biologically and physically highest possible confusion ever.
   
Their national anthems are "lî chant dî wallon" and "valeureux liégeois".
+
==Political Confusion and Complexity==
  +
[[Image:Samson en gert.JPG|right|thumb|160px|Current president (right) and vice-president (left) of Belgium.]]
   
They make the [[Quebecois]] look like sissies who can't fight like a man.
+
===The basics===
  +
Belgians do not have a word for politics. They did, however, take the concept of it from their neighbouring countries, but they gave it a slight ''Belgian twist'' - which is, by the way, also a well-known dance in Belgium, commonly performed unclothed - and called it Political Confusion and Complexity. There are no Belgian politicians; there are only Belgian Political Confusers and Belgian Political Complexitificitiers. Political Confusion and Complexity is represented in the Ministry of Confusion and Complexity by the most complex and most confused Belgians.
   
The Cities Local symbol most closely resembles a middle finger. The cities board of administrators created this symbol in 1958, as a warning to visitors of the city to fuck off.
+
Belgian politics is based on Belgian Logics, which can again be described as just logics, but put through a good old Belgian twist. One of the theoretical founders of Belgian Logics is Jean Kloot, a respectable Walloon professor who has gained a lot of respect in the Belgian academic world. He is considered one of the nation’s most important and influential intellectuals, went to the University of Brussels, Namur and Little Auschwitz, wrote several academic essays with (as the Belgians consider it) groundbreaking scientific insights, and was finally promptly put in Berlin’s Madhouse for the Extremely Cracked as soon as he crossed the border. He was also the inventor of the expression “world-famous in Belgium”.
   
=== Antwerp ===
+
In respect of Political Confusion and Complexity, the following golden rule, made up by Jean Kloot, is of great importance: ‘’In order to create the highest possible confusion and complexity, law should always conflict as much as possible with reality, morality and finally with the people’s wishes and nature’’.
Pronounced "An Twerp" like the weaklings they are, it was a favorite place for Nazi SS troops during WWII to pick on the peace-loving Belgians, also the highest number of [[Jew|Juden]] outside of Poland.
 
   
Antverpians are like the Liegeans, but wave Dutch flags and sing Dutch patriotic songs. One problem is the Netherlands is mostly Protestant, while the Flemings are mostly Roman Catholics who sought secession from the Dutch at the first place. That's why they hate themselves.
+
===Consequences of the golden rule===
  +
* If two peoples have nothing in common with one another at all, cannot understand one another’s language, hate each and every aspect of one another, from the way they look to what they say and do, and finally are absolutely and undoubtedly impossibly unitable, and any union would never be of any advantage for either party at all, they are to be united. Because of this, the two peoples of Walloons and Flemings united and so created the very nation of Belgium. Up to today, many Belgians still respect this political-confusion-and-complexitificital decision, because if Belgium would seize to exist, all Belgians would suddenly vanish from Earth.
  +
* No-one likes education. Therefore, the nation must provide the world’s most advanced and complex educational system, and it must be obliged untill death - although Belgian Logics shows that education is most effective after death.
  +
* There has to be an absolute distinction between the Bible and the law: law should contain more internal contradictions than the Bible, and should be more open to several interpretations.
  +
* The only sense that having a royal family could ever have, would be that at least one of the members of it would have the power to rule; and if not, they must at least form a fascinating, interesting and intriguing group of people who are loved and praised by the people. Therefore, Belgium has the most boring royal family in the history of history, a king that does not have the power to rule and on top of all this, no-one knows them.
  +
* No citizen should know the national anthem.
  +
* If it is the king’s aim to unite both of the country’s peoples, it is advised that he insults one of them, for example in a 2012 Christmas speech.
  +
* The Ministry of Confusion and Complexity is currently discussing a law that would stimulate building residences nearby heavily used roads, in danger-of-flooding zones and industrial areas, and building industrial constructions in residential areas. The purpose would be to generate innumerable judicial complaints concerning noise nuisance etc., which would - as they aim - generally result in vast masses of paperwork for the court to treat that raise the judicial officers’ stress in such an extent that they either die of a heart attack or commit suicide, a consequence that would unfortunately result in even more paperwork, which would all eventually create an infinite chain of clerical and judicial horror. Chances are high that the Ministry would reject this proposal, because it vaguely seems to have a trifle of ''sense''. In cases like these, a law is often considered “not Belgianly twisted enough”. Injecting some exhaustingly complex French-Dutch translating complications in order to raise the amount of needless paperwork could add some flavor to it.
  +
* When the people is in high need of governmental action, the government should take a break for a couple of hundreds of days. They should participate in extravagant European Union parties and discover that gayness, unlike Belgium, exists. In 2010 for example, the government collapsed because they couldn't agree about a final solution for the only question that matters to Belgians: what is the only real Belgian chocolate filling? Unfortunately, the ultra-heterosexual leader Elio Di Rupo - that kind of straight that he would prefer intercourse with a deceased, infected, very aged, ugly, atrocious-looking and simply utterly unattractive woman over literally ''sleeping'' once in the same bed with another man - did not find the answer to this problem. But, as he took part in more and more gay EU parties, he certainly did discover gayness - and embraced it passionately, having seen the light.
   
It has a huge seaport, with earth dikes breaking down and Antwerp needs to find a way to keep the North Sea away...or it's bye-bye to Antwerp.
+
=== Flanders===
  +
For some unclear reason, The Dutch-speaking Belgians (Flemings) find that those whose surnames begin with the characters “De W”, such as Filip De Winter (Filip The Winter) and Bart De Wever (Bart The Weaver), should become political heroes who honor their Flemish heresy and praise and worship their supreme leader, Ned Flanders. Though there are rumors that Bart De Wever was actually officially called Wart De Bever (Wart The Beaver). Probably, in this way he has successfully escaped the miserable fate of every Belgian whose name begins with “De B” to work in Gargamel’s Resort Brussels, and perform as a Smurf.
   
==References==
+
===Belgian road quality===
nothing here, move on to the next section.
+
Bad.
   
 
==See also==
 
==See also==
  +
* [[Flemish]]
  +
* [[Belgium/Cities]]
 
* [[Griffon]]
 
* [[Griffon]]
 
* [[The Middle of Nowhere|Non-existent Places]]
 
* [[The Middle of Nowhere|Non-existent Places]]
Line 123: Line 125:
 
* [[Fries]]
 
* [[Fries]]
 
* [[Beer]]
 
* [[Beer]]
  +
* [[Belgian Mountain Troops]]
   
 
==External links==
 
==External links==
 
*[http://zapatopi.net/belgium Belgium doesn't exist]
 
*[http://zapatopi.net/belgium Belgium doesn't exist]
*[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_fictional_expletives#B B...... the most revolting curse word in the universe]
 
 
*[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_unusual_units_of_measurement#Area "The size of Belgium" a strange unit of area size]
 
*[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_unusual_units_of_measurement#Area "The size of Belgium" a strange unit of area size]
 
*[http://www.sizeofbelgium.com A web site dedicated to Belgium as a unit of measurement]
 
*[http://www.sizeofbelgium.com A web site dedicated to Belgium as a unit of measurement]
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{{Mediawatch|Humo (Belgium)|http://www.humo.be/tws/links/3716/on-cyclopedie.html}}
 
{{Mediawatch|Humo (Belgium)|http://www.humo.be/tws/links/3716/on-cyclopedie.html}}
   
  +
{{Belgium}}
 
{{Europe}}
 
{{Europe}}
 
{{World Countries}}
 
{{World Countries}}

Latest revision as of 14:11, June 30, 2014

Belgium
België
la Belgique
BELGIEN!
Belgiumgfalg Mannekepis
(Flag) (Coat of Arms - Manneke Pis)
Anthem: "Technotronic - Pump up the jam"
Capital According to the Dutch-speaking part of Belgium: Antwerp (named Anvers by the French speaking part of Belgium). According to the French-speaking part of Belgium: Namur (named Namen by the Dutch speaking part of Belgium). According to the Nazi German-speaking part of Belgium: Vielsalm (non-existant according to the rest of Belgium). According to the people who live in Brussels: Brussels.
Largest city According to the Dutch-speaking part of Belgium: Antwerp (named Anvers by the French speaking part of Belgium). According to the French-speaking part of Belgium: Liège (named Luik by the Dutch speaking part of Belgium). According to the Nazi German-speaking part of Belgium: Eupen (non-existant according to the rest of Belgium). According to the people who live in Brussels: Brussels.
Official languages Flemish, French, Nazi German and Nothing
Government
Dictator
Jean-Claude Van Damme
National Heroes The Smurfs
Currency French fries (The chocolate melts too fast).
Religion Belgian Mythology
Population According to the Dutch- and Nazi German-speaking part, there aren't any Belgians. According to the French-speaking part, there are about 11 million Belgians, of wich approximately 4 million are superior to the other 6 million.
Bouncywikilogo3
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Belgium.
Manneken Pis urinating in Wikipedia

A typical Belgian soaking up the public toilet

“Never heard of it”
~ A German living 3 miles to Belgium on Belgium
“Nope”
~ A Frenchman living 2 miles to Belgium on Belgium

Belgium, Unknownium, Nonexistium or Atomiumium is a small state of peculiarity, confusion and mystery between France to the west, the Netherlands or Dutchland or Hollandria or whatever in the east, and Poland in the south. It is a confederacy of two and a half highly distinct and incompatible nations. The main occupation in Belgium is asking oneself what Belgium is, and why - and if - it exists. Belgium is very famous for the fact that nobody really knows anything about the country, including the Belgians themselves.

According to the latest textbooks of American public schools, Gaul is divided into three parts, one of which the Belgians inhabit. The Belgians are the bravest, because they are furthest from the civilization and refinement of our Province, and merchants least frequently resort to them, and import those things which tend to effeminate the mind; and they are the nearest to the Germans, who dwell beyond the Rhine, with whom they are continually waging war; for which reason the Swiss also surpass the rest of the Gauls in valor, as they contend with the Germans in almost daily battles, when they either repel them from their own territories, or themselves wage war on their frontiers.

Belgium is fictionally - because fundamentally it is not known at all - known to be possibly fictional, and to be more specific a phantasm of former United States president Bill Clinton. Although this statement might be fictional as well.

edit Truth and untruth

edit The lies: Belgium’s fame

According to the Belgian book Belgium’s Fame, Belgium would be famous for its chocolate, waffles, beers, cheese, French fries and, above all, the discovery that all these go great together. In reality though, there is no living Belgian who actually knows anything of all this, nor has any Belgian ever read or even heard of this book. Therefore, we can conclude that absolutely no living being has any mental conception of the idea of “Belgium’s fame”. Unsurprisingly, in linguistical terms, the phrase “Belgium’s fame” is unquestionably the ultimate example of contradictio in terminis.

But still, it is true that Belgians are the best at making Belgian cheese: no other country has ever proven itself better at - or has ever come up with the idea of - making Belgian cheese. Even more, it is true that the (southern) Belgians invented French fries. As a matter of fact, it was they who invented French and Frenchness, to allow the northern Belgians to start hating it. And they succeeded.

edit The truth: mystery, mythology, and evil

The truth about why you will never hear anything about Belgium is that the Belgians have managed to complicate their whole country so excessively that no outsider will ever take the effort of trying to understand it, nor will anybody be interested in it. As a logic consequence, they are free to do whatever they want, and "everything" includes nude drunk dancing in public while dangerously swinging back and forth a machine gun - which is a cultural habit in Belgium.

It is because of the country’s mysteriousness and all other nations’ general - and very natural - disinterest in it, that most European Union bodies are situated in its capital, Brussels: to cover their gay sex-oriented activities. It was actually thanks to the Belgians that the European Union was even born: Belgium is the only country in which massive international, multilingual and interracial gay hard core sex organizations that use the idea of a central supranational political force for a whole continent as a cover for its true purposes, were not illegal. European president Herman van Rompuy sure is a naughty boy.

17194519 F tn

The evil Belgian

This Belgian mysteriousness is due to their heathen beliefs, in which Belgianification of the globe is seen as the utter Nirvana. Belgian mythology states that this process must and will once take place. As the godfather of Belgian mythology, Godfather O’Balgianmythologey, once expressed it: "We shall conquer the world, we shall capture each and every state, we shall rename them, all of them, as Belgium - finally creating more than 190 Belgiums and excessively complicating the whole matter, as it should, being Belgian." In this way they would be able to scare off other galaxies with their uninteresting complexity, in preparation of their next goal, universe domination. No-one knows what they would actually intend to do when they have conquered the universe. Certainly not the Belgians, who sadly don’t even have a clue of what the word Nirvana (which their mythology Godfather mentions all of the time) would even mean.

But only very recently, the process seems to have been put in action: in the 19th century, Belgians utterly cunningly undertook two notable steps to world domination: firstly, Belgian beer brewers purposely helped their northern nabours mess up their inferior “beer” Heineken, and spread this nastiness over the globe as a cancer. Secondly, by keeping their numerous divine beers secret, the Belgians would soon become the only earthlings not contaminated with this Dutch body-and-mind-deteriorating crap. Over some decades, this would make them the strongest people on earth. Belgianification could commence. Indeed, Belgians are evil.

edit Some more facts

  • Belgians are experts of disguise. In case of high need, they are able to transform themselves into Frenchmen by surgically removing half of their brain cells, or in Dutchmen by only keeping 1% of their natural brain volume. With the help of fake big teeth and Poirot mustaches, respectively.
  • As an aim to frighten outsiders, the country was originally named Belgiaanaakfraaitafraaityanum. Yet in common speech Belgians use to drop the -aanaakfraaitafraaityan- in most words, for example in the word eaanaakfraaitafraaityann, which means and in Dutch.
  • To cover their heathen beliefs, they built churches. To preserve these relatively pointless monuments, they pay millions a year. To afford all this, they invented the euro.
  • One major stereotype linked to the Belgians is that their main celebrities are fictional, for example Tintin, Plop the Gnome, Gargamel and Hercule Poirot. True as this may be, after all, seen from another angle all Belgians are probably fictional creatures created by Bill Clinton.
  • Whenever France and Germany have a 'disagreement', Belgium is the first to suffer despite not being part of either country.

edit Belgians and sax

If there is one thing that characterizes Belgian society, it must be sax. So if it doen’t, the Belgians must be totally uncharacterizable and thus in some way soulless. As a matter of facts, they could even be zombies. But, even though these surely are plausible theories, let’s assume - or pretend? - that they do have some culture and history.

edit The roots of sax

Adolphe Sax is the inventor of the saxophone, and currently dead. However, there is a lot of dispute concerning this famous utterly unkown Belgian scientist, and all that is historically proven about this brilliant man, is that he is the inventor of the mussel, of the for foreigners too large condom, and of sex (previously spelled sax).
DramaticQuestionMark
Did you know...
the design of the first saxophone was originally based on that of the FFTLC (the for foreigners too large condom)?

Adolphe Sax is frequently considered to be a figment of president Bill Clinton's imagination, as the whole country of Belgium itself is too. Clinton, being the only foreigner to whom the definition of the FFTLC does not apply, would have come up with the name Belgium as he was unable to read the characters after the "Made in B" on the FFTLC - he would have hurt his eye with the top of his saxophone. Which is very (Belgianly) confusing since he could impossibly have invented the origin from the inventions that form the actual reason of coming across the idea of inventing it. For this reason, the Bill Clinton anecdote may be called as confusing and possibly fictional as Belgium itself.

edit The rise of sax

In Belgium’s early days, when the very very extreme majority (one hundred percent) of the inhabitants spoke Nothing, the Belgians soon discovered that sax (or sex) is a very pleasant thing. This sudden shift in social behaviour resulted in a demographical rise, very to the Belgians’ surprise.

“Damn, where do all these babies come from?”
~ A primitive Belgian on sax

Yet it did not take them long to realize that with a population foundation of about 5 Belgians, the descendants were often malformed. It didn’t take them very long either to find a solution to this problem. Partly, the unwanted handicapped babies were sent to Mongolia, where they founded Mongolian culture. The other not-so-tenderly-loved children were brought to the tiny Nazi German speaking part of Belgium, also called Little Auschwitz, where they knew exactly how to handle little ones.

Together with this historical event, the Great Central Belgian Chocolate Mines were discovered. These mines contained ancient fossils of prehistorical Spanish fly. These fossils made Belgian chocolate a highly effective afrodisiacum. And that’s how their tradition of systematically raping all Dutch, French and Nazi German women hails from. It was part of the tradition to take the offspring back to the homeland, and to dump the Belgian genetic waste - the pile of malformed babies that were simply too much to handle for General Fritz Atomium, the only Little Auschwitz citizen - in Belgium’s neighboring countries. Therefore, Belgium has become a mixed-race culture with two glorious components: the Walloons, who are the direct descendants of the French; and the Flemish, who are the direct descendants of the Dutch. The Walloons inherited the French idea of a multi-cultural jacobinistic authoritarian society - where all cultures are welcome and tolerated as long as they surrender to the dominant French valeurs and ultimately recognize that they do not exist, and French intellectualism, also known as stupidité. The Flemish, on the other hand, are hyperactive uneducated farmers and bad ass fascists inhibited by the fact that they speak the ugliest language on Earth. Because of this, they moved from Dutch to Flemish.

edit Sax in everyday Belgian life

Tintin2

Tintin wants you to keep it a secret.

  • Up to today, Belgians have great sex lives. Because Belgians eat so much chocolate a day, it often happens that people suddenly take their clothes off in trains, at work or on the streets to jump on the person closest to them. It is hard for native Belgians to realize that tourists don’t see rape as a nice compliment.
  • Having the best chocolate and secretly most divine beers in the world, no-one doubts that the combination of both produces the factual worst possible indigestion in the world. Fortunately, nude drunk vomiting in public while dangerously swinging back and forth a machine gun is a very pleasant cultural habit in Belgium.
  • Inter-group marriage has been severely inhibited by systematic back-stabbing. Flemish-Walloon couples that manage to survive disdain, mischief, reprobation, persecution, murder, slavery and suitless outer space EVA do take traditional husband-wife misunderstandings to a whole new level of bitterness, as they both hurl insults in each other's language while pretending not to understand it.

edit Language

Belgium has four official languages: French in the southern part, Dutch in the northern part, German in the Nazi part, and Nothing throughout the whole country. Which they all scarily and absurdly master better than all other people speaking these languages, and certainly better than the Hollanders. Except for Herman Van Rompuy.

edit Dutch and the Move to Flemish Movement

A lot of Belgians speak Dutch. The reason for this is, as the Belgians claim, "because our mommies and daddies speak it". Further linguistic examination shows us that these mommies and daddies' mommies and daddies respond with the exact same answer. Nevertheless, even further examination remarkably shows that the mommies and daddies of the mommies and daddies' mommies and daddies do not speak Dutch at all - they are all, without exception, speakers of the language of Nothing. Some recent studies could establish a relationship between this fact on the one hand and on the other hand, the fact that they're all dead. Though some quite critical critics object this theory.

However, in the Late Middle Ages, some famous - though in reality, all Belgians are just equally unknown - and ingenious Belgians discovered that speaking Dutch causes some severe issues, some of which fatal. These issues had eventually moved the Belgians to make the Move to Flemish Movement.

  • Most importantly, the disgust that certain Dutch phonemes universally bring on - and in particular the extremely sickening and horridly repulsing rasping-and-retching sound which the Hollanders still think the CH should be pronounced as - used to be of great inconvenience: in those days it wasn't uncommon at all to see people around you vomit whenever you started speaking. People simply got overwhelmed by uncontrollable revulsion. Certainly in periods of famine, this was a huge problem. This is the main reason why the Dutch up to today, not having moved to Flemish, are still very tight with money: one has always to be prepared for a period of less resistance to Dutch speech disgust. In these times of famine, a very effective way of joking and bullying (and murdering) consisted of constantly saying goodday, good morning and good afternoon, which in Dutch is CHCHoeiedaCH, CHoeiemojCHCHe and CHCHoeiemiddaCHCH. If good evening didn't do the trick (CHoeie afent), you could still have some patience and remorselessly throw them the words CHCHCHoeienaCHCHt in the face (good night). And if even that was not enough, you could still give that old Dutch cradlesong a try that imitates the sea sound. Translated into Dutch, this gives the following lyrics: CHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCH. Dutch bedclothes were often dirty.
  • What is more, the Dutch language, internationally accepted as the Big Throat Disease, causes throat cancer. Therefore, Dutchmen very commonly die young, with their voice and power of speech deteriorating at the speed of voice-and-power-of-speech-deterioration. Already in an early stage, the only sound they can make is that of the old lullaby mentioned above. In the earliest stages of Belgianness, the Belgians desperately needed to reproduce (originally, in the Stone Age, the total number of Belgians was zero), so they couldn't afford anyone to die of linguistic causes. Belgian investigation again proves that "Even when the Dutch do not die of throat cancer, they always die", giving them an extra reason to move to Flemish.
  • On top of that, not suffering from the Dutchmen's minority complex, Belgians find it unnecessary to always be talking in a shouting and squealing way to get the public's attention. To the contrary, the Belgians, as already emerged in this article, prefer to mysteriously stay in the background to hide their world domination plans. Dutchmen were also frequently shot and killed by hunters, who reported that they sounded like crows, vultures, ostriches, baboons, hyenas, sharks, Dutchmen, geese, evil donkeys, and that "I am just necrophiliac".

Given all these reasons, it has been a wise decision of the Belgians to improve the Dutch language into a less annoying and mortal version, which they called Flemish. Unfortunately, it does force them to produce great masses of mucus, which is verry irritating when playing the saxophone. Out of the question, in Spanish, Flemish is called flamenco. To a higher level out of the question, according to Google Translate, "I like to beat my Flemish wife 'cause she's damn ugly" is to be translated to Spanish as "Me gusta golpear la causa de mi esposa flamenco 'ella es maldita fea".

edit The other tongues

As for the southern French-speaking part of the country, things are completely different: they're simply weak imitations of the French, though wannabe-French and un-French enough to bizarrely be pathetically yet insufficiently French. The generally neglected German-speaking part, which is surprisingly enough even far more uninteresting and unknown than Belgium itself, even in Belgium itself, is a remain of Nazi Germany, and so the inhabitants speak Nazi German. As for the Nothing-speaking part: nothing.

edit Cultural confusion

edit Belgian-Dutch (mis)communication

Communication is an important element in the average Belgian’s life. It is an attitude they share with their northern neighbors, the Dutch. Still, when put the two together, it can give some peculiar results.

Firstly, there is one general rule that is true for all Dutchman-to-Belgian conversations: they all end with a Dutchman unable to comprehend the Belgian and a Belgian giving up motivation to explain things to Dutchmen. Also, there is always one general, relatively uncomplicated yet very interesting conclusion that both parties make after these conversations. Which will be explained later on.

The second rule is that, in their free time, Belgians and Dutchmen use to hate each other. On the one hand, the Belgians have established the folkloristic habit of making jokes about the Dutchmen. Since 1890, Belgian government even has a law for it: thou shalt make fun of the Hollanders. Thou shalt focus on their silliness, dumbness, appearance, way of screeching (speaking) and their inferiority complex, but most of all, thou shalt laugh at them being inhumanly - as our Belgian scientists have already proven - stingy. Also, thou shalt use “thou shalt” in stead of “you must”. Ignoring the 4% minimum paedophilia law, this has been the most respected Belgian law since time immemorial.

For example:

“How do you catch a Dutchman? You slam the toilet seat down while he's drinking.”
~ A Belgian on Dutch people

On the other hand, Dutch people regard Belgians stupid, e.g. (to a Belgian):

“How cumfyoosh you a Belchan? Tsfentsee-Wan....”
~ A Dutch person, in an attempt to pronounce "How do you confuse a Belgian? 21..."
“Huh?”
~ The Belgian person on the previous quote, indicating not to be capable of decoding bad Dutch pronunciation

(In this mysterious and subtle way, the Belgian hopes to open the Dutchman's eyes to his feeble linguistic intelligence).

“Haha!”
~ The Dutch person, thinking he's confused the Belgian and so made a good joke"
Sight...
~ The Belgian person"

It may not surprise that the general both-party conclusion after these nice chats generally reads as follows:

Dumbass.

Note that the Belgians are the least confusable people in the world, since they are accustomed to the biologically and physically highest possible confusion ever.

edit Political Confusion and Complexity

Samson en gert

Current president (right) and vice-president (left) of Belgium.

edit The basics

Belgians do not have a word for politics. They did, however, take the concept of it from their neighbouring countries, but they gave it a slight Belgian twist - which is, by the way, also a well-known dance in Belgium, commonly performed unclothed - and called it Political Confusion and Complexity. There are no Belgian politicians; there are only Belgian Political Confusers and Belgian Political Complexitificitiers. Political Confusion and Complexity is represented in the Ministry of Confusion and Complexity by the most complex and most confused Belgians.

Belgian politics is based on Belgian Logics, which can again be described as just logics, but put through a good old Belgian twist. One of the theoretical founders of Belgian Logics is Jean Kloot, a respectable Walloon professor who has gained a lot of respect in the Belgian academic world. He is considered one of the nation’s most important and influential intellectuals, went to the University of Brussels, Namur and Little Auschwitz, wrote several academic essays with (as the Belgians consider it) groundbreaking scientific insights, and was finally promptly put in Berlin’s Madhouse for the Extremely Cracked as soon as he crossed the border. He was also the inventor of the expression “world-famous in Belgium”.

In respect of Political Confusion and Complexity, the following golden rule, made up by Jean Kloot, is of great importance: ‘’In order to create the highest possible confusion and complexity, law should always conflict as much as possible with reality, morality and finally with the people’s wishes and nature’’.

edit Consequences of the golden rule

  • If two peoples have nothing in common with one another at all, cannot understand one another’s language, hate each and every aspect of one another, from the way they look to what they say and do, and finally are absolutely and undoubtedly impossibly unitable, and any union would never be of any advantage for either party at all, they are to be united. Because of this, the two peoples of Walloons and Flemings united and so created the very nation of Belgium. Up to today, many Belgians still respect this political-confusion-and-complexitificital decision, because if Belgium would seize to exist, all Belgians would suddenly vanish from Earth.
  • No-one likes education. Therefore, the nation must provide the world’s most advanced and complex educational system, and it must be obliged untill death - although Belgian Logics shows that education is most effective after death.
  • There has to be an absolute distinction between the Bible and the law: law should contain more internal contradictions than the Bible, and should be more open to several interpretations.
  • The only sense that having a royal family could ever have, would be that at least one of the members of it would have the power to rule; and if not, they must at least form a fascinating, interesting and intriguing group of people who are loved and praised by the people. Therefore, Belgium has the most boring royal family in the history of history, a king that does not have the power to rule and on top of all this, no-one knows them.
  • No citizen should know the national anthem.
  • If it is the king’s aim to unite both of the country’s peoples, it is advised that he insults one of them, for example in a 2012 Christmas speech.
  • The Ministry of Confusion and Complexity is currently discussing a law that would stimulate building residences nearby heavily used roads, in danger-of-flooding zones and industrial areas, and building industrial constructions in residential areas. The purpose would be to generate innumerable judicial complaints concerning noise nuisance etc., which would - as they aim - generally result in vast masses of paperwork for the court to treat that raise the judicial officers’ stress in such an extent that they either die of a heart attack or commit suicide, a consequence that would unfortunately result in even more paperwork, which would all eventually create an infinite chain of clerical and judicial horror. Chances are high that the Ministry would reject this proposal, because it vaguely seems to have a trifle of sense. In cases like these, a law is often considered “not Belgianly twisted enough”. Injecting some exhaustingly complex French-Dutch translating complications in order to raise the amount of needless paperwork could add some flavor to it.
  • When the people is in high need of governmental action, the government should take a break for a couple of hundreds of days. They should participate in extravagant European Union parties and discover that gayness, unlike Belgium, exists. In 2010 for example, the government collapsed because they couldn't agree about a final solution for the only question that matters to Belgians: what is the only real Belgian chocolate filling? Unfortunately, the ultra-heterosexual leader Elio Di Rupo - that kind of straight that he would prefer intercourse with a deceased, infected, very aged, ugly, atrocious-looking and simply utterly unattractive woman over literally sleeping once in the same bed with another man - did not find the answer to this problem. But, as he took part in more and more gay EU parties, he certainly did discover gayness - and embraced it passionately, having seen the light.

edit Flanders

For some unclear reason, The Dutch-speaking Belgians (Flemings) find that those whose surnames begin with the characters “De W”, such as Filip De Winter (Filip The Winter) and Bart De Wever (Bart The Weaver), should become political heroes who honor their Flemish heresy and praise and worship their supreme leader, Ned Flanders. Though there are rumors that Bart De Wever was actually officially called Wart De Bever (Wart The Beaver). Probably, in this way he has successfully escaped the miserable fate of every Belgian whose name begins with “De B” to work in Gargamel’s Resort Brussels, and perform as a Smurf.

edit Belgian road quality

Bad.

edit See also

edit External links

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This article was mentioned in Humo (Belgium), further diminishing what little credibility the media had left. You can read all about it here
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