Belgium
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| This article and Belgium are fictional. Belgium was first featured in an article by Dan Brown so it's not to be taken seriously |
“Allons enfants de la Patrie, le jour de gloire est arrivé!”
~ Yves Leterme on De Brabanconne
“Shize Gesicht, get me a mutha ###### chicken sandwitch and some Belgium Fries! FO' FREE BITCH! Tell me that ####### #### ain't un-mutha-#######-forgivable!”
“Belgium: the only country that makes Luxembourg feel good about themselves. Before those Waffle-####### change the formula. We all know how Belgians bottle their beer: that little boy statue pees in it. ”
~ Stephen Colbert on The subject of Budwizer being sold to Belgium
“The French and the Dutch living in one country? What could possibly go wrong?”
~ The British
“We like waffles.”
“It's like Holland's North Korea.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Belgium
“The greatest trick we ever pulled was letting the world believe we eat those nasty Brussels' sprouts ourselves.”
~ The Belgians
| |||||
| Motto: United through hatred | |||||
| Anthem: "Technotronic - Pump up the jam" | |||||
| Capital | According to the Dutch-speaking part of Belgium: Antwerp(Named Anvers by the French speaking part of Belgium). According to the French-speaking part of Belgium: Namur(named Namen by the Dutch speaking part of Belgium). According to the German-speaking part of Belgium: Vielsalm (non-existant according to the rest of Belgium). According to the people who live in Brussels: Brussels. | ||||
| Largest city | According to the Dutch-speaking part of Belgium: Antwerp(Named Anvers by the French speaking part of Belgium). According to the French-speaking part of Belgium: Liège(named Luik by the Dutch speaking part of Belgium). According to the German-speaking part of Belgium: Eupen (non-existant according to the rest of Belgium). According to the people who live in Brussels: Brussels. | ||||
| Official languages | Dutch with a poor accent, French with a poor accent, German with a poor accent, Arabic with a poor accent, Russian with a poor accent, English with a poor accent | ||||
| Government Dictator | The ghost of Adam Smith | ||||
| National Heroes | Television | ||||
| Independence | Nu! (Dutch for "now") Jamais! (French for "never") Zurück nach Deutschland! (German for Back to Germany) | ||||
| Currency | French fries (the chocolate melts too fast) | ||||
| Religion | Television | ||||
| Population | According to Dutch- and German-speaking part, there aren't any Belgians. According to the French-speaking part, there are about 10 million Belgians, of wich approximately 4 million are superior to the other 6 million | ||||
Belgium is a small state of confusion (see also Switzerland) between France to the west, Holland in the east, and Poland in the south. It's national animal is the lllama. It is populated primarily by Belges, a sub-species of wombat that is startlingly similar in appearance to humans. Belgium is roughly the size of Belgium.
Nobody really knows anything about the country. Lets be honest, name one thing you know about Belgium. If you thought chocolate then your opinion doesn't count. Name another thing, go on. Yeah, thought so.
[edit] The Truth About Belgium
Recent studies of the area Belgium have shown that Belgium doesnt exist and was created by Holland to move the attention away from the recent Genocide of the Jews (see 1988).
They DO infact live in underground nuclear bunkers.
They also DO live in Holland.
Their beers rule, makes the French wines look like piss.
The Belgians Suck Vagina.
If the world was a man, Belgium would be his armpit.
[edit] Mythic country in Western Europe
Belgian mythology has it that Belgians are the one and only masters in the brewing of heavenly beers (Duvel especially is said to be a real killer) and that only Belgian beer takes the drinker to Heaven on the first pint. Old , in Belgium believed to be true, stories tell that they also discovered chocolate. And if that's not enough THEY ALSO WANT YOU TO BELIEVE THEY MAKE THE BEST CHEESE.
Belgians also believe they make the best chocolates AND that they invented french fries.
Not only did they invent french fries, tap water, Chocolate, and Cheese and waffles -- which, if you are to believe the Belgians, go great together -- but they say that the saxophone was invented by a Belgian named Adolphe Sax!
And they believe all this!
The truth is that Belgian people will believe anything at all...if the explanation is sufficiently surrealistic. Ever since the world-famous surrealist painter René Magritte has put his stamp on Belgian ideology, foreigners must not ever (and I mean EVER!) provide a logical explanation for everyday things to a inhabitant of Belgium. The Belgians will simply not believe you. They just will not, that's all.
Having the alleged most famous beer and chocolates in the world, it is well known that the combination of both produces the factual most famous indigestion in the world.
[edit] Chocolates and Kubrick and the influence on their great sex lives
First of all, Belgians invented chocolate. Chocolate was invented in 1969 by the famous Belgian cineast, Stanley Kubrick. Since everyone knows Kubrick (also known from the Emanuelle series, Red Shoe Diaries, Sex and the City (this was his early period), and many more) it's unnecessary to say that it contains a great amount of Spanish fly.
This is also the reason why Belgians have such a great sex life. Because Belgians copulate around 6 times in 24 hours, and the large blood supply to the male (and sometimes even female) penises, a 30 inch penis is not unusual here. Further information about Belgian body parts is not given because they don't want to upset other countries. George Bush is very jealous of their big #####.
Because Belgians eat so much chocolate a day, it often happens that people suddenly take their clothes off, in train, at work, at the street, and jump at the person closest to them. There were a lot of discussions about this, due to horny schoolgirls jumping the teachers. But that's all gone now, since naked jumping at teachers is considered legal since 11/11/48.
[edit] History of Belgium
The history of Belgium... is damn lame.
It all began a long long time ago in 1972 when the Belgian people rose against the French and Dutch bullies who had used the country as a massive chemical landfill for about 700 years. Into the festering wens of Belgium these insensitive foreigners threw not only their nuclear waste but also their malformed children, their unwanted pets, and whatever Englishmen they could lay hands on.
The Belgians armed themselves with empty matchboxes and, in fierce battle, attacked the French. Advancing over a front of several kilometres based on thee brilliant tactics of Alan Alda, they smashed the entire French army, killing or severely frightening 2.3 million "men" even though the Belgians numbered only 672 men and three armoured goats. The fight against the Dutch was rather different however, because they weren't French #######. However, General Dutroux told the Dutch commander that the Polderdyke had broken and his country was under water, and the Dutch army turned smartly about and went home. The Netherlands flood about 17 times each year, this is one of the many reasons why they conquered Germany: to gain the moral high ground.
But because foreign soldiers had systematically raped nearly all of the Belgian women for several centuries Belgium had become a mixed-race culture with two components: the Walloons, who are the descendants of the French soldiers; and the Flemish, who are the descendants of the Dutch. The Walloons inherited the French idea of a multi-cultural ###### society and French intellectualism, sometimes called "stupidity". The Flemish, on the other hand, are active but uneducated farmers and bad ass fascists inhibited by the fact they speak the ugliest language on Earth; they also produce more mucus than any other people on Earth.
Although marriages between these groups are rare, they truly love each other -- when they are not twisting a knife in the other's back, that is.
Another famous part of Belgium's history is that it constantly gets pushed around by France and Germany and as a result has to host their wars when the two fall out. Two such wars were World War One and World War Two. The Belgian people didn't mind as it gave them a chance to sell waffles to the visiting troops which led to Belgium's economic output and GDP tripling. After the war Belgium looked for other things to host including the Eurovision Song Contest. However this failed because belgium has no talent whatsoever. In 1996 in a last ditch attempt to get Belgium noticed The King of Belgium and various members of his government travelled the world kidnapping various famous people and holding them to ransom these famous people included:
Sadly the kidnappings didn't go to plan. Chuck Norris used his ability to fly to escape, Mr T never actually arrived in Belgium because pitied the Belgians fools who tried to kidnap him and killed them and Victoria Beckham was released from her cell after she began singing in her cell, which killed half the population of Brussels. The Belgians held all the others to ransom for 100 trillion francs but in the end the UN secured their release in exchange for a ticket to see the Tour De France. The Belgians were so enthralled by the ticket that they cut it into several million pieces and gave a piece to each Belgian citizen. To this day many Belgians still have their piece framed on their wall to remind them of their finest hour.
[edit] Language
Belgium has four official languages: Belgiunese, French, Dutch and German. Which they all master better than all other people speaking these languages. However Belgians get mightily offended if their second language is referred to as Dutch, so they pretend it is really called Flemish instead.
Belgium is also known through-out the galaxy as the most revolting swear word in the whole of the known universe. Unfortunately, there is only one planet in existence that hasn't realized this.
[edit] National Stereotyping
Belgians hate Dutch people, and like to make jokes about them being tight with their money, e.g.:
“How do you catch a Dutch man? You slam the toilet seat down while he's drinking.”
~ A Belgian on Dutch people
Dutch people in their turn regard Belgians as stupid, e.g.:
“How do you confuse a Belgian? You can't....”
~ A Dutch person on Belgians
Needless to say, both Belgians and Dutch hate Germans and French people - as indeed does all the rest of Europe, apart from England, who love France for its believed superior manipulation of the internets to catch horses; horses have been extinct in England since the National Bonfire Success of 177.7, and in reality it is infact Sportugal whose horse-catching abilities have been falsely transposed onto the frog-eating untermensch.
Trueth is belgians hate everybody else in the world including belgians, but not when waffles.
[edit] Road Directions
In Belgium, there is no left or right, just not straight and other not straight.
[edit] Politics
One of the few notable facts about Belgian politics is that voting is mandatory. Every person under the age of 5 can receive the death penalty if they refuse to vote. This has recently led to a fabulous 71 percent election victory for the PEL, the Party for Eternal Life. Once the party assumed power in Belgium, they immediately abolished the national superannuation scheme, which explains why Belgium's workforce is currently the oldest in the world.
Also, the king of Belgium is required by popular mandate to be regularly serviced by Asian prostitutes, with a severe spanking from the crown prince being the punishment for non-compliance. The king is well known for his non-compliance.
The current Prime Minister of Belgium, Yves -good governing- Leterme, is a semi-intelligent monkey, and has the full confidence of king Paola , who gives him bananas three times a day. in reality leterme is actually controlled by a fat dimwit known as Bart De Wever, who is known to actually think that the majority of the country is actually interested in Flemish independence, and also for riding on fat bunnies. thanks to both their incompetence there is actually no governing at the moment, they just blabber, whine, and generally just wank about generally stupid stuff. the population however still believes that Leterme (and therefore De Wever) should still be their leader (in the German-speaking community, Fuhrer).
In the German part of Belgium, there is an upcoming political party called "Vlaams Behang" Flemish Wallpaper, followers of the great Ned Flanders himself. They are against sex, pie, Belgian beers, intelligent statements, gravity and 39 percent of the First Law of Thermodynamics.
FW's most popular politician, Flippo Dewinter: Yöu have been lied toe: Belgium does nöt exist! Send all thöse foreigners back to their öwn cöuntry, I tell yöu! What are they doing in this imaginary place that belongs to us, ONLY TO US! And damn those crazy walloons for not working as hard as we, the Arian eh eh I mean Flemish people do and for stealing all of our jobs and ...(yada yada yada, goes on for hours) (We apologize for his poor knowledge of English grammar.)
The Swedish part of Belgium has its own government, but then again, they're Swedish so who gives a damn. The Italian part has two governments. The Korean part has one. There's a government for Brussels, one for each of the seventie provinces and one for the minorities of each language group in every one of the other regions and provinces. Every one of these governments has a corresponding House of Representatives and Senate. waffles? As a consequence, 2% of all Belgians is a minister and 18% is a member of parliament. 34% works for lower governments and the rest in the state administration. Finally, two Belgians are professional tennis players. Actual work is only done unofficially, and mostly by foreigners. Belgium has 83 Ministers of Internal Affairs and 138 Ministers of Administrative Simplification.
[edit] Caution
No matter how many Japanese friends you have waving ############ pictures of Manneken Pis they allegedly took in the centre of "Brussels", the utopic capital of Belgium, pay no attention to their claims. It is an international conspiracy and Japan is as involved as anyone else. Belgium seems to be the hideout of dark creatures from the underworld, people like Cliff Blessinski, Poirot and Saddam Hussein (of whom is said he got caught in Belgium). Pay no attention to these ruthless lies and remember: Belgium Does Not Exist!
(Perhaps you were looking for the cube root of Belgium instead?)
DO NOT leave children unattended in this country. It is actually accepted and even encouraged by the Belgian government for Belgians to molest children. The largest political party, NAMBLA, is actively pursuing European Union adoption of this practise. That is all..
[edit] Populations
Belgium has a population of 700, 300 from Singapore, 300 from North Korea, 50 from Sweden, 49 Belgians, many Moroccans, some Turks (especialy in Limburg, a province of belgium) , a few Poles, 1.5 Chileans and 1 #### Punching Midget Counter-Terrorist called Sybil... and a hotplate! If you are wondering why that doesn't add up to 700, there are also -1.5 French people living there. The only three whelks in the world live in Antwerp.
Belgium is also the only country that has North-African Poles. These live in the subway of Brussels, they carry knives and are addicted to mp3's with songs of 50 Cent and other gold-wearing Negroes.
[edit] Drug culture in Belgium
“It's not easy being Belgian.”
Throughout its history, Belgium has had an embarrassing drug problem. Belgians will oftentimes resort to drugs to take their minds off the misery of simply being Belgian. You can help! Click here to donate drugs to Belgium.
[edit] Urbanization
Belgium is one of the most urbanized regions in the world. This is first of allowing to Urbanus from Anus, the last Belgian pope (Outside link). Outside Belgium, Urbanus is mostly remembered for the Reformations of 1713 and for mooning the Council of Tollembeek. He was also the only pope to be re-elected into the office 3 times. The second reason for the high urbanization of Belgium is that any congregation consisting of more than 7 people is called a City. Belgium therefore also hosts the smallest city in the world, Durbuy, which has four inhabitants Julien, Marie-Claire, grand-mère and the five children. They are also the subjects of a reality show on Belgian television.
In consequence of its population being so dense, Belgium has an extensive public transport network, based around two hubs: Hors Service in the South (near Berlin) and Geen Dienst in the North (rumoured to be near Reykjavik, though nobody really knows). A peculiarity of the system is that, although 90% of buses and around 75% of trams and trains go to one or the other of these destinations, there is no direct service between them; the only option is to walk. This explains why the buses are always empty.
[edit] Famous Belgians
In 2005, the Belgian tourist board gathered all the famous Belgians together for a publicity shot. This is that photograph. Waffles?
The list:
- Hercule Poirot.
- René Binamé.
- Dr. Evil.
- Ned Flanders.
- Tintin.
- P-90.
- Pedro, The Bumblebee Man (why not?).
- Samson.
- Saddam Hoessein.
- Jean-Claude Van Damme.
- Totally Spies.
- Kabouter Plop.
[edit] True Metal
Belgium appears to have the highest rate of True Metals in the world (the moon not included), They tend to be highly aggressive and tend to start grunting randomly at people. After a true metal started the second interstellar war with the dwarfs, male species (female species are extremely rare) must be castrated before the age of 6, which doesn't prevent them for having sexual intercourse with caterpillars. They are also the main reason why Friedrich Nietzsche declared that god was dead (and vica versa). Belgians love death metal, black metal or any other metal rock. They think they rock harder than the Norwegians or Argies, which is not true but anyways... the Belgians can't stop watching Full Metal Alchemist, Code Lyoko or some of that Japan-France anime ####.
[edit] Science
Belgium is renowned for its many great scientists. Scientific research has shown that there are over two famous scientists in Belgium, the most famous of all being of course Sir Charles France, inventor of Denmark. The other one I forget. Still, science is very important in Belgium, even though it was officially forbidden in 1200 B.C. The Academie Francaise in France recently reclassified the French Walloons from "French" status to "Cro-Magnons", like they are the missing link between Aryans and Negroids.
[edit] Cities
- Main article: Belgium/Cities
[edit] Brussels
This is the city where people decide whether or not you will be wearing red or purple underwear next year. It is the capital of the European Union. Brussels is also famous for its large red tape industry.
It is also where the Commission européenne isn't based or as the locals call it, the Belgian Mafia. 75% of the people are French who wanna stay in Flanders.
Don't forget to stop by the "Atomium" a large metal structure composed of several chrome steel spheres, the central sphere contains the central brain of Belgium a large lorry-sized brain wired up to Belgium's infrastructure, if the brain is damaged the whole country goes out of control and you'll free the enslaved Belgians from their brain master, the NATO headquarters building (MiniPax=World Peace is bad business) and the European parliament politicans do their dirty work like always.
[edit] Liège
Or most usually called "Principauté de Liège" or "Toxcity", is an independant state within the french part who mainly manufactures drugs, weapons and prostitues.
The "perron" is the symbol of their freedom and they had the biggest cathedral of Europe (3 times bigger than "Notre-Dame de Paris").. wich they destroyed to impulse the French Revolution.
The national day is on the 14th of july (guess how the french frogs choosed their national day^^) and wave the French flag, while the Belgian flag makes good wall paper or window covering or other uses (rip up into rolls of toilet paper).
Their national anthems are "lî chant dî wallon" and "valeureux liégeois".
They make the Quebecois look like sissies who can't fight like a man.
[edit] Antwerp
Pronounced "An Twerp" like the weaklings they are, it was a favorite place for Nazi SS troops during WWII to pick on the peace-loving Belgians, also the highest number of Juden outside of Poland.
Antverpians are like the Liegeans, but wave Dutch flags and sing Dutch patriotic songs. One problem is the Netherlands is mostly Protestant, while the Flemings are mostly Roman Catholics who sought secession from the Dutch at the first place.
It has a huge seaport, with earth dikes breaking down and Antwerp needs to find a way to keep the North Sea away...or it's bye-bye to Antwerp.
Antwerp still boosts about the Flanders painting style of the 1500's and the Summer olympic games held there in the 1920's.
The "city of the future" needs to stop looking back on the past.
[edit] What to call a Belgian
Dutch (that will make their faces turn red or orange).
unique.
superior.
Miserable french haters.
tax paying zombies.
Nazis (or better yet, Communists).
[edit] Other -elgiums
- Main article: Belgium/-elgiums
[edit] References
nothing here, move on to the next section.
[edit] Other useful sources of Information
[edit] See also
- Much Pie
- Flanders
- Griffon
- IEEE_1394
- Non-existent Places
- The Smurfs
- Thieving Britain's money
- Tintin
- Marc Reynebeau
- Waffles
- Fries
- Beer
- Idiotic Table of the Elements
[edit] External links
- Belgium doesn't exist
- B...... the most revolting curse word in the universe
- "The size of Belgium" a strange unit of area size
- A web site dedicated to Belgium as a unit of measurement
 further diminishing what little credibility the media had left. You can read all about it here |
