Belarus
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| |||||
| Motto: "Come now, to our happy bread queues" | |||||
| Anthem: "We Love You, Saint Halava" | |||||
| Capital | Senno | ||||
| Largest city | Mini-Moscow | ||||
| Official languages | Trasianka, C++ | ||||
| Government | Dictato-democracy | ||||
| Viceroy | Alexander Lukashenko | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Alexander Lukashenko, Vladimir Putin, Stalin, Alexander Hleb | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | None | ||||
| Currency | Gold teeth | ||||
| Religion | Communo-Christianity | ||||
| Major exports | Dignity (to Russia) | ||||
| Major imports | FSB agents, Russian gas | ||||
| Opening hours | Weekdays: 7:00 - 19:00, Saturdays: 12:00-16:00, Sundays closed. | ||||
Belarus (Рэспубліка Беларусь / Бацькаўшчына, or Byelorussia, as her people call it).
According to the Central Bullshit Agency, Belarus is the sponsor of international terrorism, the largest seller of arms, an empire of evil bastion of totalitarianism, medieval teokratiey, absolute monarchy, fascist dictatorship, the threat of world democratic community and Kenny's murderer. Renowned Belarusian factory worker Lee Harvey Oswald tried to challenge the findings of the Warren Commission, but was shot dead on the spot.
Contents |
[edit] History
[edit] Settlement by the Slavs
For many centuries, the Slavic people lived in bitterness and despair. In the seventh century, they came to Belarus and discovered happiness. For years, the peoples of Eastern Europe fought over the patch of land which brought love, beauty, and poetry into their lives. The Poles, the Lithuanians, and the Russians at various times came to control the land that became Belarus.
[edit] Origin of Name
The name Belarus derives from "Belga", which is Italian for "Belgian" and Rus which short for "Russian". It is also short for "Russia or Belgium or something in between" which was the original medieval name of the country. The beauty of Belarusian women was so legendary throughout Eastern Europe that, during the Soviet era, the party leaders had datchas in scenic, temperate Belarus so that they could spend their vacation in the surroundings of the friendly, beautiful outgoing women of Belarus.
[edit] Culture
[edit] Local festivities
Every May 25th, it's the annual "Celebrate A Party"-day in the main square of Minsk, where glorious almighty Fresh Prince Alexander Lukashenko sends out 6000 bears, flown in by helicopter from the Urals and northern Kazakhstan to run the city streets while the largest brass orchestra in all of Belarus is parading the streets and having a happy time. This annual "bear-running" is a well-known celebration and wonderful family happening for all Belaursian men. All men over 18 years of age in the country go out to "run with the bears", after the annual "group orgies with man who do with another man" and "sucking the vodka tap" that are other colourful elements of this festive day. The day ends with the annual "beating of children", another family friendly festivity. Then the great leader Lukaschenko will chose a new wife from all girls in the country aged 13-18. His personal harem is then shown to the populace.The aforementioned "Celebrate A Party"-day is celebrated in joyous memory of the Swedish occupation of Belarus during the 18th century. So far, no brass band has ever survived a "Celebrate A Party"-day.
[edit] Cuisine
The classic Belarusian national dish is Riby Smolenskaja, that was made by copying the famous Russian recipe of Bliny pancakes served with caviar and sour cream. But the Belarusian version is mashed potatoes mixed with baked mud, marshland fish and rotten cream. The Belarus beer is world famous for its excellent replication of the delicious and rich flavour of water.
[edit] Economy
Belarus is the largest manufacturer of home-made vodka in the Known World. Traffic of vodka extends in all 11 directions. Byelorussians have so many orders for their vodka, that, in fact, they build homes expressly to produce vodka: to make it real home-made and, thus, unique. Some people actually leave their homes because their homes are crowded with vodka apparatus. You can see many of those people sleeping in the street. However, don't be fooled; they're not homeless, they're very rich, because their entire house has been turned into a business!
Centrally managed by Lukashenko, the country's Fresh Prince (who is poet laureate, the country's largest vodka entrepreneur and, with 5 houses, the country's largest landholder), Byelorussia is considered by some political pundits, well Comrade Neil Clark anyway, as the last Sputnik (Russian satellite), resisting to be run by Culinary Institute of America (CIA) muppets. When Belarus is mentioned in the news, it usually means that neighbouring vodka-producing countries should go to Yellow Alert, smoothly transitioning to Orange Alert.
[edit] Most important cities
Minsk is the capital city of Belarus, a clean orderly city populated by intelligent men and beautiful women. Minsk is a jewel of Stalinist architecture with insanely wide streets, disturbing monuments and ugly grey buildings in the city centre surrounded by modern high-rise suburbs finished in lovely psychedelic colours.
If you like blondes in very short skirts or semi-transparent white pants and with the optimum amount of excessive make-up, Minsk is the place to go in summertime. And if you are a Belarussian blonde, thank you. Short skirts and semi-transparent white pants are cool. Also, the lipstick looks cool.
Babruysk is not a large city in Belarus, but it is famous because so many of its residents spontaneously combust. It is also famous for its natural methanol springs, which makes for really shitty-tasting cigarettes. Russians like to send each other to Babruysk to enjoy the local fauna.
Luninets is the capital of Polesie (Brestskaya Oblast being its archaic name) and the economic powerhouse of Belarus, its main product being people, which are exported mostly to Minsk or Brest. The city is also a common tourism destination, among its attractions being the northern area (full of wooden houses), the train line (there's a train station nearby too), the central area with lots of interesting buildings (including a Lenin statue, what is rare in Belarus nowadays) and the southern part (full of wooden houses).
[edit] See also
- Photo of Minsk
- Pripyat River
- March 2006 Fresh Prince-ial election in Belarus
- History of Belarus in dates
| Commonwealth of Independent States - Former USSR Republics |
| Russia ~ Belarus ~ Ukraine ~ Estonia ~ Latvia ~ Lithuania ~ Moldova / Moldavia ~ Mordovia ~ Armenia ~ Azerbaijan ~ Georgia ~ Kazakhstan ~ Kyrgyzstan / Krgystan ~ Mongolistan ~ Ghettoistan ~ Tajikistan ~ Turkmenistan ~ Uzbekistan ~ other Stan countries ~ Alaska ~ Israel ~ Lipsonia ~ Soviet Britain |
