Bejesus

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“I'm going to fucking bury that server, I have done it before, and I will do it again. I'm going to fucking hit the bejesus out of Microsoft Personal Bejesus Server.”
~ Steve Ballmer on Microsoft Personal Bejesus Server


Bejesus is a natural hormone found within the bodies of most humans. It is generated at a steady rate by the bejesus gland, located somewhere between the feet and the brain. This hormone is what the religious types are referring to when they talk about finding Jesus inside yourself or say that there is Jesus in everyone. During times of fear, it is excreted from several holes in the body, hence the term to "scare the bejesus out of someone." For reasons stated below, the substance is much sought after.

Effects of bejesus

Bejesus slowly builds up within the human body, and if it reaches a certain quantity (1Js - see below) the owner of the said body will, in fact, be Jesus. However, the gland only produces an extremely small amount of bejesus (on average, approximately 1.59pJs/s) so, in effect, it would take around twenty thousand years to become Jesus on one's own bejesus.

Therefore, to reach the true goals of bejesus, one must obtain more by stealing it from other people. This is done by scaring (or punching, confusing, impressing, banging, annoying, etc.) the bejesus out of someone. Some people have managed to do this a lot (see below). In some rare cases, enough bejesus is gathered together for the person to be Jesus.

The jesus

The jesus (Js) is the unit for measuring bejesus, as it keeps running away when people try to measure it in grams. One jesus is the amount of bejesus required to be Jesus. From this, other units may be used: the millijesus (mJs), microjesus (µJs), nanojesus (nJs), etc. Usually, the rate of human bejesus production is measured in picojesi per second (pJs/s). In theory, there are also units such as the kilojesus (kJs) and megajesus (MJs), but the existence of a thousand or a million jesi is debatable.

The plural of jesus is jesi, as in nought point oh three jesi (0.03Js). This is not to be confused with Jesii, which is the plural of Jesus (with a capital J).

Notable collectors

Since the dawn of time, there have always been bejesus collectors. However, the first successful one of these was Dave Christ, also known as the Original Jesus, who came into the world in the year 0. Other successful collectors are listed far, far below in the realms of the bottom of the page.

Others have tried in vain to be Jesus, but a few more have come close:

  • Bill Gates, who collects bejesus by embedding secret extractors into his Microsoft software and then sending it to his secret office through the intarwebs, using Microsoft Personal Bejesus Server.
  • Richard Stallman - it is well known that gnus have plenty of experience of collecting bejesus. Dyslexia is a common cause of bejesus loss, as people may suddenly start thinking that they are being held at gunpoint (when in fact gnupoint is much less serious) and they have the bejesus scared out of them. Stallman has also stolen a lot of bejesus from Bill Gates, with the assistance of the Free Bejesus Foundation.
  • God - a little known fact is that God is in fact extremely jealous of all the Jesii. Therefore, he tries to scare and impress the bejesus out of everyone so that he can become Jesus himself. Usually, however, he is nowhere in particular and so he is unable to collect the discarded bejesus.
  • Trent Reznor - just try and listen to that guy and not have the shit and bejesus shot out of you en masse, crap man!
  • Ron Jeremy - He bangs the Bejesus out of everyone, nobody even knows why, but he's even banged the Bejesus out of Jebus in exchange for crack.

Becheesus

Becheesus is a slightly different substance, related to the state of being Cheesus. Usually, becheesus is only found within cheese (especially Stilton), however Cheesus himself holds the secret of channelling becheesus into humans.

No piece of cheese has ever come close to becoming Cheesus, due to their general inability to scare, confuse, impress or slap. However, one very special piece of Darth Feta once acquired 0.03 cheesi (Cs) by claiming to Mark Hamill that it was his father. Hamill in turn acquired this becheesus by using his 1337 Jedi powers to pwnz cheese, under the assistance of Cheesus.

External lynx

An external lynx hardly has any bejesus, as any that it picks up is given off in its deodorant breath. An internal lynx, however, has a lot.

Here are some external links:

Well, okay, that was only one link. Never mind.


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