Before Broken Britain
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Before Broken Britain is a historical document detailing the state of the United Kingdom before it became broken by a sudden unexplained absence of the Dunkirk spirit. The scientific consensus of the exact date of Britain breaking is 1986. The article is a collation of peer-reviewed observations from the science journal Daily Mail.
edit Leaving Open Doors
Many of the more mature members of society are enthusiasts of 'reminiscing'. 'Reminiscing' is the pursuit of quite reasonably and vaguely explaining how much better things were before people in the role 'do-gooders' started to gain disproportionate influence. One of the most common themes of this activity, is to recall how people 'used to be able to leave your doors open'. Because of this, doors only real function in the past were to keep out a fierce chill. Fitting locks on doors became popular after the invention of 'robbery' in 1989, having previously only been used on dusty wooden trunks.
In 1986 various countries connected their landmasses to each other, to create the socialist concept of a 'continent'. They named this new concept 'Europe'. This new form crushed the juice out of the constituent countries, mixing them into an ugly left-wing goo.
Europe was quick to pervert Britain's natural foods: It straightened bananas, changed potatoes to weigh in metrics and mandated the washing of apples before their consumption. This removed the innocence that apples had previously enjoyed.
'People who don't talk like us' have increased by over 9000% since Europe, with many polished people standing on corners obstructing the unique visual qualities of corners. They have taken our jobs. Jobs being the only concept with which one can legitimately own without having any knowledge, involvement or interest in.
edit Young People
Before the breaking of Britain, young people were seen but not heard. This allowed betters to enjoy more uninterrupted conversation and thus make decisions that allowed the island to prosper; keeping out Asian coloured people (Asians). In the 1970's, due to televisions and black people and black people on television, young people began to develop the characteristics of the 56th entry on the periodic table: the hooligan element. A policy of culling anyone under fifteen was initially successful in maintaining an exemplary one-piece Britain, until 1986 when do-gooders stuck their oar into none-of-their-business.
Before the obliteration of its form, Britain's education system was the envy of the world. Today, exams are too easy and getting easier at a rate too simple to calculate. It is now possible to get a C grade pass in mathematics by spelling your name correctly and writing a short paragraph advocating gay marriage.
edit Youth Crime
Youth crime was relative low in the glorious past, due to manners and punishment. Small transgressions by youngen's were quickly dealt with by retaliatory pet killings. Law and order was king, with 'respect' being Queen and disappointingly realised boiled sweets the Prince of Wales. But in Broken Britain: crime is rewarded; with poor families deliberately allowing themselves to be caught selling drugs so as to qualify for Playstations and luxury houses that you could never afford.
edit Homosexual Gays
Homosexuality was invented in 1981 by the Guardian newspaper in an attempt to revive its flagging sales. It was a perversion of an up until then innocent pastime of campness in which certain men would behave effeminately on television to entertain people who didn't have time to be effeminate themselves. They did so without feeling the need to go near bums. The Guardian's new concept involved the male aiming their unmentionable at the 'coincidental hole' of another male.
Most people do not mind homosexual gays as long as they do whatever it is they do, behind closed doors.
edit Stiff Upper-Lip
Before the island dispersion, British citizens came equipped with a 'stiff upper-lip'. 'Stiff upper-lip' is something called a metaphor; British people's lips are in fact as sponge like and disappointing as many other nations. 'Stiff upper-lip' refers to pre-Broken-Britain occupant's ability to not to make a fuss when a bank repossess your house. Deaths of children were referred to in no stronger terms than 'unfortunate', whilst the loss of a limb is counter-balanced by talk of the continuing utility of the 'favourite arm'.
edit Political Correctness
Pre-Broken Britain, Political Correctness was perfectly sane. In the early-eighties the concept of Political Correctness was put under undue strain by people in wheelchairs and blacks with speech impediments. Thus by 1986, when Britain broke, Political Correctness had gone mad. Political Correctness embarrasses itself, shouting down anyone who tries to make 'jokes about anything' these days.
Before Broken Britain things just worked. This situation has since altered and it is now the case that things have become over-complicated and aimed only at young people, who anyway break them or use them to over-complicate things. Things first become under threat in 1971 when it was mentioned in the Red Lion pub, Colchester by Patron Paul McSmy that 'things used to be simpler in my day'.
edit Deterioration of Reality
Before the corrosion of the Sceptered Isle, the inherent existence of distinctive form and property was accepted and abundant. But now ambiguity has become an umbrella that keeps our skin so dry that our ugly faces break into ugly snarls. Where before there were experts, now there are so-called-experts. Where previously there was 'Health and Safety', now there is a fully-fledged 'brigade', marching in the shadows of plausibility. 'Men were men and women were women', yet now, by implication, this is not the case: If men are not men and women are now not women, then in effect: what can be said to be what it is? Is nothing, anything, and vice-versa. You can't do anything these days
edit Sebastian Coe
- SEBASTIAN COE: Won four more Olympic medals than YOU!
- SEBASTIAN COE: Was the Member of Parliament for Falmouth and Camborne.
- SEBASTIAN COE: Understands why people - especially kids - enjoy inflatable bouncy castles, but is concerned that they can cause injury when overcrowded.
- SEBASTIAN COE: Was appointed a Knight Commander of the Order of the British Empire in the 2006 New Year's Honours List for services to sport. YOU SHOULD FUCKING BOW!
edit COMMENTS (7)
“I'm so glad I emigrated when I did. Britain is just jam-packed with immigrants. Why don't they go back to their own cuntry.”
“I'm fed up with Political Correctness and black people.”
“they don't want us 2 say it like it is cuz they dont like truth but i dont care and i will say the truth even if they dont like it cuz this is england and its my cuntry and i dont care what other peeple think if i want 2 celebrate christmas i will i dont care if blacks hate christmas this is england”
“My wife wants a blue hydrangea which she intends to keep in a large tub. How do I get one which A) is blue & B) stays blue. All those in this area are pink(ish)”
“Britain used to be a Christian country. But apparently, just because Jesus told the truth about Blacks, we're not allowed to read the Bible any more.”
“The liberal elite should come around mow my lawn. But they wont, will they. That might "offend" someone.”