Before Broken Britain

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WI plant

These days, women mutually enjoying plants is an all too rare sight.

Before Broken Britain is a historical document detailing the state of the United Kingdom before it became broken in 1986 by a sudden unexplained absence of the Dunkirk spirit. The article is a collation of peer-reviewed observations from the science journal Daily Mail.

edit Reminiscing

Many of the more mature members of society are enthusiasts of 'reminiscing'. 'Reminiscing' is the pursuit of quite reasonably and vaguely explaining how much better things were before people in the role 'do-gooders' started to gain disproportionate influence. The recreation serves as the main source of our knowledge about what Britain was like all those years ago before it broke.

edit Leaving doors open

One of the most common themes of this activity is to recall how people 'used to be able to leave your doors open'. Because of this, doors' only real function in the past was to keep out a fierce chill. Fitting locks on doors became popular after the invention of 'robbery' in 1978, having previously only been used on dusty wooden trunks.


She took it whole.

edit Europe

In 1973 various countries connected their landmasses to each other to create the socialist concept of a 'continent'. They named this new concept 'Europe'. This new form crushed the juice out of the constituent countries, mixing them into an ugly left-wing goo.

edit Vegetables

Europe was quick to pervert Britain's natural foods: It straightened bananas, changed potatoes to weigh in metrics and mandated the washing of apples before their consumption. This removed the innocence that apples had previously enjoyed.

edit Immigrants

'People who don't talk like us' have increased by over 9000% since Europe, with many Poles standing on corners obstructing the unique visual qualities of corners once obstructed by British lamp-posts. They have taken our jobs, the only concept that one can legitimately own without having any knowledge, involvement or interest in.

edit Fat people

In pre-Broken Britain there were so few fat people that when they were observed on the streets, approaching them to cut out Christmas pudding ingredients was an affair that involved the whole community and was likely to be encountered only once every few months, while now it seems that people have realised Britain is full with all the immigrants and so have decided to make themselves full. The fat are so abundant now that many people no longer have a morbid curiosity about them.

edit Things

Before Broken Britain things just worked. This situation has since altered and it is now the case that things have become over-complicated and aimed only at young people, who anyway break them or use them to over-complicate things. Things first became under threat in 1971 when it was mentioned in the Red Lion pub in Colchester by Patron Paul McSmy that 'things used to be simpler in my day'.

Grange hilll1

edit Young people

Before the breaking of Britain, young people were seen but not heard. This allowed betters to enjoy more uninterrupted conversation and thus make decisions that allowed the island to prosper; keeping out Asian-coloured people (Asians). In the 1970s, due to televisions and black people and black people on television, young people began to develop the characteristics of the 56th entry on the periodic table: the hooligan element. A policy of culling anyone under fifteen was initially successful in maintaining an exemplary one-piece Britain until 1986, when do-gooders stuck their oar into none-of-their-business.

edit Education

Before the obliteration of its form, Britain's education system was the envy of the world. Today, exams are too easy and getting easier at a rate too simple to calculate. It is now possible to get a C grade pass in mathematics by spelling your name correctly and writing a short paragraph that advocates gay marriage.

edit Youth crime

Youth crime was relatively low in the glorious past, due to manners and punishment. Small transgressions by youngens were quickly dealt with by retaliatory pet killings. Law and Order was King, with 'Respect' being Queen and disappointingly realised boiled sweets the Prince of Wales. But in Broken Britain crime is rewarded, with poor families deliberately allowing themselves to be caught selling drugs so as to qualify for Playstations and luxury houses that you could never afford.

Larry Grayson on Generation Game

Pre-homosexuality gayness

edit Homosexual gays

Homosexuality was invented in 1981 by the Guardian newspaper in an attempt to revive its flagging sales. It was a perversion of an up until then innocent pastime of campness in which certain men would behave effeminately on television to entertain people who didn't have time to be effeminate themselves. They did so without feeling the need to go near bums. The Guardian's new concept involved the male aiming his unmentionable at the 'coincidental hole' of another male.

edit Stiff upper-lip


Because apparently black bins are 'insensitive' to Muslims.

Before the island's dispersion, British citizens came equipped with a 'stiff upper-lip'. 'Stiff upper-lip' is something called a metaphor; British people's lips are in fact as sponge-like and disappointing as many other nations. 'Stiff upper-lip' refers to pre-Broken Britain occupant's ability to not to make a fuss when a bank repossed his house. Deaths of children were referred to in no stronger terms than 'unfortunate', whilst the loss of a limb is counter-balanced by talk of the continuing utility of the 'favourite arm'.

edit Political correctness

Pre-Broken Britain, political correctness was perfectly sane. In the early-eighties the concept of political correctness was put under undue strain by people in wheelchairs and blacks with speech impediments. Thus by 1986, when Britain broke, political correctness went mad. Political correctness embarrasses itself, shouting down anyone who tries to make jokes about anything these days.

edit Deterioration of Reality

Before the corrosion of the Sceptered Isle, the inherent existence of distinctive form and property was accepted and abundant. But now ambiguity has become an umbrella that keeps our skin so dry that our ugly faces break into ugly snarls. Where before there were experts, now there are only so-called experts. Where previously there was 'Health and Safety', now there is a fully-fledged 'Brigade', marching in the shadows of plausibility. 'Men were men and women were women', yet now, by implication, this is not the case: if men are not men and women are now not women, then in effect what can be said to be what it is? Is nothing anything, and vice-versa? You can't do anything these days.

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