From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Beer's Law is the strange phenomenon which occurs after drinking far too much beer, or any other alcoholic beverage. In stark contrast to Sods law, Beer's Law, like a pocket bouncer, protects you from dangers and makes everything all right when you're so drunk you have trouble seeing. In fact, some studies show that once a person has had enough beer that their eyesight goes they rely on SONAR to position themselves. The Beer sonar is so powerfully strong that it can be detected from a small simple gargle.
“Who needs beer - I can do backflips forward...”
It's all ok, dude!
One of the most common traits of Beer's Law is the ability to successfully navigate the endless maze of streets and back alleys that lead to your house, not only will you be able to find an interesting and usually ridiculously long path back home, you'll also walk past some very appealing signs that are just asking to be stolen. This beer radar, or "BEERDAR", is so ingrained into the human mind some see it as an evolutionary advantage. Recently scientists have begun to consider BEERDAR as a 7th sense.
Not only does Beer's Law allow for navigation when you have trouble walking in a straight line, Beer's Law also has the amazing ability of being able to track down all of your friends for you when they piss off for some reason.
Make new friends!
Other people under the shining beacon of Beer's Law instantly become more appealing, not only can you approach even the most rabid Hobo types, somehow you feel like you've been friends forever. It's as if you can connect on a spiritual level, so long as the spirit is rum.
It comes at a price
All this comes at a price though. The main drawback of Beer's Law is the insatiable urge for greasy Kebab it causes, though depending on personal taste this could also be replaced with Hobnobs or less commonly Petit Filets from the back of Somerfield.
Another unfortunate consequence of Beer's Law is the phenomena known as Alcohol Induced Visual Attraction Delirium (AIVAD), which is colloquially known as "Beer Goggles". When excessive alcohol consumption leads to AIVAD, a man or woman will typically begin to imagine that people of the opposite (or in some case the same) sex are much more aesthetically attractive then they actually are in reality. This typically leads to a man or woman having alcohol-fueled copulation with a person that they normally would NEVER engage in sexual intercourse with will sober.
A recent scientific study showed that men are 25 times more likely to sleep with an ugly woman, while affected by AIVAD, then women are with ugly men under a the same influence. This is due to the instinctive nature that women have to stay in groups and perform "errectus blocus", more commonly referred to as "cock-blocking". Of course, men have also have evolved over time to counteract this instinctive nature of women by developing a technique first introduced by the popular 1986 Hollywood Blockbuster film "Top Gun", called "The Wing Man Hypothesis". The Wing Man Hypothesis was simulated from the Top Gun film and the natural predatory patterns of lions. It involves an intoxicated man and his "wing man" companion approaching an AIVAD induced female and her cock-blocking female whore of a friend; the intoxicated man will begin a conversation with the AIVAD induced female while the wing man distracts the cock-blocking whore. The intoxicated man will the easily convince the AIVAD induced female to "come back to his place" to enjoy more delicious alcoholic beverages and ultimately have sex; the wing man will continue to hold the cock-blocking whoreish friend's attention, thereby effectively neutralizing the cock-block effect.
A common situation of AIVAD or "Beer Goggles" would occur as such:
Bob to Dylan: "Whoa! Dave's been making out with that ugly bitch for 2 hours now! She's so fat, she must be at least 220 lbs! Dave
must be wasted! He's definitely got the beer goggles!"
Dylan to Bob: "Yep! That girl's a right minger! Definitely an fugly slut! He must have the beer goggles, he's had at least 22 beer by now."
Dave to Dylan & Bob: "Wtf is up mates! Did you see that top totty I've been making out with? I'm going to ask her over to my place for a shag!"
Bob to Dave: "You don't realize that that girl is uglier than Danny Devito and larger than a pro wrestler? You definitely have beer goggles mate!"
The entire phenomena is tightly attached to the idea of Courage Beers. When a particularly challenging mission needs to take place (either for free entry into a venue resulting in increased beer, or that wheelbarrow you think would make a great go-cart and "trophy yoink"), one may feel the need to quickly demolish several beers in order to get the effects of increased Dutch Courage and apparent stealthiness.
One should be aware however that Courage Beers' are not always recommended - If you're stopped by the police with a stash of traffic cones in hand with no chance of escape knocking back a can of Turbo Special Brew is not advised.
The Kebab Paradox
Another Beer's Law related incident, the kebab paradox is the situation an individual finds himself in when he must choose between a handful of greasy meat or another beer. Usually the circumstances are as follows. A fellow has £5, with which to buy an 8 pack of cheap lager. He drinks it and finds himself in need of a kebab. Without the cash, he fails and goes hungry, losing valuable strength points and HP. The reverse is that he chooses to buy a kebab first, eating it and gaining a +12 strength advantage and fully restoring his/her health. However, due to lack of ale, he/she loses the valuable Intelligence and Dexterity bonuses.
All is not lost however, for another individual under the influence of Beer's Law can alleviate the Paradox with the ancient greeting "Eyyyy, what's your fucking name mate...*hic* I fucking love you man, here, look, get us a couple of kebabs yeah? Fuck yeah, I love you maaaaaan" and then handing over a tenner.
The paradox comes from the idea that nobody in their right minds would ever buy a kebab sober. I mean come on, that's just fucking wrong.
For some un-known reason, mankind is always able to find a Kebab shop between "sssee youz l..ll..laterrr.rr" and "hunny i'm home?"
It has been known that if a group of people are to get drunk together then each one will be practically invincible due to the universe bending itself around said drunks. Where as one could fall over on a pavement while sober and knock themselves out on it, a drunk will simply land on their back and get back up without much damage being attained, albeit with much staggering. Yet one sober person in a group of spiritually enhanced drunks will break the link of universe and man, thus negating the invulnerability upon said drunks. There is much debate to whether this is true or it being plain luck amongst scientists today, yet the plain luck theory has been dismissed as "boring".