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Bee on flower Bees are well-known for stinging flowers and pollinating humans.
Scientific classification
Kingdom Animalia
Class Insecta
Order Flyus
Family Stingerus
Species Flyus Stingerus
Binomial name
Stinging Flies
Weight 0.5 ounces to 3.5 pounds
Length 0.01 inches to 8 inches
Special attack Poison Sting
Conservation status
Conserving honey and corpses for the winter

Bees are a special kind of fly with a stinger and a sweet tooth. They are like ants, but can fly around and impale in addition to bite. Despite this, most species of bees are considered to be peaceful and only attack foes who they consider to be pure evil. They often die as a result of their attacks. Thus, a great debate continues to this day amongst biologists as to whether they are leftover World War II kamikaze fighters or modern-day radical Islam jihadists. They all fight for their queen, and anyone opposed to her is considered an infidel and must be slain.

It is important not to confuse bees with hornets, wasps or yellowjackets. Bees are peaceful creatures that are easily offended by the racist idea that they all look alike, and they will sting you to death for being confused with their even more violent cousins.

edit Etymology

The word "bee" is amazingly unimaginative. In fact, to promote their movement, bees have taken over the second letter of the English alphabet in great force and numbers, thus reserving the word for themselves. It is said that the bumps on the letter B are representative of the bumps on a victim's skin after being stung, and the letter originally more closely resembled the letter I.

edit Evolution


Bees went through many changes from their original form as flies to the cute and cuddly creatures we know today.

Bees are very closely related to flies, which they have evolved from. Somewhere down the line, a fly decided to replace its regular meal of dead things and feces with a drop of some sweet-smelling nectar from a nearby flower. One taste of this nectar convinced the fly to give up its former diet altogether, and it and its closest friends hung out by flowers all day to slurp up the sweet liquid coming out of them, leading to the invention of the bar.

Other flies and animals started becoming curious about the nectar, since the flies spent all day drinking it, and wanted to try some too. The bee forerunners became very aggressive as a result of drinking concentrated sugar all day long, and they first drove away the moochers with tiny daggers. Over time, as their foes became bolder, so did these prehistoric bees, eventually gaining the idea of sticking the dagger handles inside their anuses so they could fill up with their venomous feces. Thus, the modern stinger evolved.

One last evolutionary step remained. The fly-bees discovered that the flowers they depended on for sustenance had a tendency to disappear when snow started to fall, and it also got chilly outside. To avoid death from starvation and hypothermia, the fly-bees sought the construction of artificial caves and grew their own natural fur coats. To ensure everyone had their own private room inside these caves, the fly-bees made extensive hexagonal grids using the only material they had on hand: their own earwax. Some entrepreneurial fly-bees also had the idea to place their excess nectar in these wax cells, where it could ferment into a mead-like substance. A sprinkle of pollen was also added for flavoring, which marked the invention of honey.

Now that they had a proper hive structure, Mother Nature's OSHA safety inspectors came by to make sure everything was up to code. They were largely satisfied, except the fly-bees were now required to wear safety yellow with black striping at all times to warn other species of their occupational hazards. With everything finalized and meeting regulatory approval, the modern bee was finally in business.

edit Diet

Wasp attack

A bunch of bees, and a wasp, in an unconscious state of total inebriation.

Since their first common ancestors with flies, bees have loved all kinds of sweet and sugary drinks. This most commonly includes nectar and the honey they produce from it. It can also include maple syrup, soft drinks, fruit juice, booze, and antifreeze. Death by a thousand stings awaits anyone who tries to give them Diet Coke instead of real Coke.

Of course, bees can't just live on sugar water alone. Thus, they are always looking for an excuse to get pissed off at some innocent animal or human, so they can sting them to death and bring the body back to the hive, where it is dismembered, stored and eaten for protein. Hornets, wasps and yellowjackets share this love for protein and seek it even more strongly, enabling them to generally grow larger and more dangerous.

edit Relationship with wasps, hornets and yellowjackets

Bees are not the same thing as wasps, hornets, and yellowjackets, although the terms are sometimes used interchangeably. In order to tell all of these insects apart, please consult the below handy table.

Bees Wasps Hornets Yellowjackets
Can sting Yes Yes Yes Yes
Will sting, if provoked Yes Yes Yes Yes
Will sting, even if unprovoked No Yes Yes Yes
Wear yellow and black Yes Yes Yes Yes
Construct hives Yes Yes Yes Yes
Are fuzzy and cuddly Yes No No No

Bees do not get along well with these other creatures. The peaceful religion of bees dictates that they must not tolerate the violent ways of other species, as they are infidels and must be eradicated. They will seek to dismantle the hives of their competitors and kill every last member through either dismemberment or stinging, often killing themselves in the process and becoming martyrs. Some sociology experts suggest humans would do well to learn the peaceful ways bees resolve conflicts in a mature fashion.

edit Colony Collapse Disorder

Some bee colonies are in danger of disappearing due to Colony Collapse Disorder. More socially-progressive bee hives allow for their members to marry through gay marriage practices, which only makes sense when one considers that normally only the queen gets to mate and almost every bee is female. However, this leads to a sharp drop-off in productivity and reproductive rates, as well as a myriad of supernatural disasters Fred Phelps could have warned them about. More conservative bee colonies instead are praying to The Bee-Jesus for salvation.

edit See also

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