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“Bedford is exactly the sort of place you visit by accident.”
“ Auschwitz is a luxury hotel compared to what happens to you when you enter the boundaries of Bedford. ”
“ Bedford will have the calmest of people screaming with mercy in seconds. ”
Bedford is the 13th circle of Hell, located in Bedfordshire, England. It was founded by Lucifer, Damien, my mother, Panic! at the Gay, Gay Disco in their attempt to turn the world gay [they stopped at Bedford School (see below), Gerard Way and Batman, during the Roman invasion of 3006 AD. The town was created to undermine the communist rulers of England, as led by Prime Minister George W. Bush and UN peace negociator Adolf Hitler.
Our knowledge of Bedford's early history is sketchy at best, mostly due to the fact that it does not exist. If you want to look up the history so far, close your eyes and spin around very fast. When you are finished, you shall know as much as we do. Quite frankly the area of Bedford may as well be made of the material used to construct Harry Potter's cloak, because it is Invisible. Then one day in 1579, a shop called JD Sports arrived, the locals were livid with excitement, the second it was opened they swarmed in like black people in London in August 2011, they bought everything in the shop, they looked in their mirror whilst wearing the shit they had Purchased and said "Yes blud, dis shit is siyck".
In the early 18th century, 20 "less than desirable" residents of Bedford were sent off in a boat across the Atlantic. It took about 5 months but they finally landed in what is now known as "Bedford New Hampshire". After about 2 years, they all figured out they were very hungry so they decided to plant some corn. This was the start of the 200 year farming society in Bedford NH. In 1985, the great-great-great grandchildren decided that, they were bored by farming and decided to start doing high pay jobs such as brokering,heading a major corporations, and own auto salvage facilities. The effect on the children of these new found riches were catastrophic, especially on the females. Their daughters became retarded greedy sluts giving head to their boyfriends, especially after drugging/ drinking around the age of 5.
To locate Bedford, you need a pair of fake Converse trainers: tap the heels together three times, and say out loud: "I want to go to a complete shithole". The taxi should arrive shortly (we apologise for the delay - for which you'll be charged an excessive amount of waiting time).
Unfortunately, this is a one-way journey and in order to leave you must sell your soul to the devil, or else beat him at a game of tiddlywinks (luckily the Devil is a loser). Should you choose that latter you will have to leave a body part behind, and come back to claim it later (at your expense).
Do not try to look for Bedford on an OS map as it is impossible to find, it also cannot be found on multimap because the area is considered wasteland. The place itself is invisible much like the material which is used to construct Harry Potter's cloak.
The origin of Bedford's name is simple. Betty Ford, a French Symbologist, was terrifically drunk one evening, which also happened to be the day of the naming ceremony for the as-yet-unnamed town (until this point it was called "Atlantis" by the begrudging inhabitants). While Betty Ford tried to name the town after herself, she was too intoxicated and it simply came out as "Beddyford", the signpost maker ran out of iron halfway through making the sign, and "Bedford" it became.
The other possible reason for the naming of the town (and let's face it, the most realistic), is that there was once an old hobo walking through a desolate field, (he now inhabits the doorway outside Colemans on the high street), he sat down (although it is mainly believed fell down drunk pissing and shitting himself, screaming "I want a bed", but unfortunately he had fallen into the ford that is located in what is now known as "Priory Marina" AKA: gay hookup field. Anyway, upon realising his mistake, but not correcting it he yelled at the ford for not being a bed and getting him rather wet. To his dismay some following "ethnic minorities" decided they would set up camp there, and not being to familiar with the language thought he was referring to the field as "Bed-Ford" and hence the name stuck. As the minorities grew and became the majority they moved over to "Queen's Park" (not because it is fit for a queen, but because it is a royally shit place), the tramp moved over to the doorway outside Coleman's, (as there is a kebab place on the other side of the road and he gets free scraps sometimes), and has pretty much lived there ever since. (Well not lived exactly, he has no roof, but more loitered with intent).
edit The People of Bedford
Bedford has a mixed population, many from different cultures and nations. These include Eastern Europeans, Indians and Italians who all live in the absolute hell hole known as Queen's Park, and many many more. The Eastern Europeans have become an increasing threat. These threats include eating the fish from the pond in Bedford park, even though this pond has been pissed, puked and shat in many, many times. Plus more more and more people, of whom are legal immigrants are working as those morons who stand in the town centre handing out those pointless flyer things that have loads of crap on them that no one actually gives a crap about!
The menfolk of Bedford are split into 3 main factions; intelligent, well dressed, English speaking people, the over 30s, and intolerable, horrifically covered in Nike pieces of lowlife bile that inhabit every nook and cranny of the benches behind the mound. The females however take one and only form, the LG, or little girl (a phrase which generically means anyone who is one or more years younger than yourself). Any girl can fit into this category, but comes with it are many sub-groups. These groups consist of every year group you can think of, but what is quite remarkable about these groups is that the younger you go, the sluttier, and sluttier they get; for it has indeed become fashionable in Bedford as a girl, to have as your 13th birthday present to have a huge throbbing black penis down your throat, preferably in an even more disturbing place such as in the bushes in Bedford park, or down BK alley, or maybe if you're incredibly special in the Costa toilets. The lovers of said LG's are usually never of the same age, for to let such perky fruits be covered in thy younger master's syrup would be too tiresome for words, and this adorns them with the title of 'LG Hunter', a person who see's the reward in taking a 15 year old for a nice sea food dinner, fucking her brains out on the mound, and then never calling her again. The birth place of the LG phenomenon can be found at former site of a well known Harpur trust girls school, a school full of young girls in short skirts located next to a prison specifically made for paedophiles and rapists. after many years of the young innocent girls trading rim jobs for heroin, some of them decided to take their exploits out into the wider wild, and the LG as we know and love it today was born. The main LG hunters are predominantly 23 year old chavs, who are ranked highest in the leader board of 'top 50 types of people most likely to be on a list someday' because of their ability purely to drive incredibly dangerously, in shit cars, listening to black men talk about shit that they don't understand because they're polish.
edit Areas of Bedford
- Riverfield Drive - Best place to stay (housing estate)
- Kempston - Supposedly a town in it's own right but no one cares.
- Elstow - 'Yawn'
- Ravensden - Watch out for the ravens they have a den here and will peck out your eyes if you fall asleep.
- Renhold - Just over that roundabout is Renhold a quaint little shithole.
- Wootton - Never been here but it's probably a chav infested hellhole.
- Oakley - The name means clearing of the Oaks and yeah it's a boring suburban yawn.
- Clapham - Coloquially referred to as Crapham. This village is infamous for its gang graffiti and being an utter craphole. It does have a cool abondened POW camp which is where all the tramps hang out and sniff glue and shuv broken bottles up their assholes. Also where local character Matt Clark lives and breathes (but doesn't wash). This is also a War Zone between chavs and non-chavs, also Teenage Pregnancy is rife here.
- Bromham - Supposeedly a nice place but they have a trailer park of sorts here. The River flows through here so it's a good place to drown yourself. Also some old Barn on some field where the chavs have fires.
- Biddenham - All the black and brown people go to school here
- Great Denham - They have a golf course here.
- Brickhill - Pronounced Brick'ill this is the best place in Bedford to make a hill out of bricks a visual pun which doesnt make you look like a complete sparstic.
- Queen's Park (Mini Poland)- Freshies, Kalas, and Polish are armound there with wierd resturants like bfc (Bangali fried chicken) and the place has mad people like crazy Danny and Mad Ricky.
- Shortstown - A suburb a short (see what i did there) way outside of Bedford where everyone is short and wears shorts all year round.
- Putnoe - An area that has lent its name to some cool black people's singing group.
- Newnham - Warning the nham isnt new it's old as fuck and probably moldy. A few houses that have house parties full of drug addicts around this Kimbolton Road area every single weekend.
- De Parys - The French sounding part of the town. It's probably shit.
- Castle - I think this is where the Castle is.
- Cauldwell - This place is probably full of Italians. The mafia has a big presence in Bedford.
- Goldington - Where the ington is made out of Gold.
- Kingsbrook - The poorest place in the town it's a shithole and full to the brim with chavs.
- Harpur - This place has the lowest life expectancy in the town and has all the posh schools. So it's where all the chavs go for a good mug innit.
- Carron Road Estate - A place home of the bricky massive were all the bad mans live.They hang around in flats stairs on on BBM diverting the traffic on there rusty bikes!
- Woodlands Park - Identical houses were most people get lost. WARNING DO NOT GO THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!
edit 'Groups' in Bedford
Can all the people of Bedford please accept that your piss poor. (unless you own a block of flats with cheap rent)
As Bedford is a shitty place with nothing to do, people have resorted to form their own little groups and to make their own sources of entertainment. These will be simple activities of which help to make Bedford a shitter place than it already is. The Goths walk up and down the streets in the town centre, which provide some entertainment because you can laugh at them. The large groups of 8-13 year old 'micro chavs' hang out between JJB and game where they attempt to look menacing in there matching black tracksuits. One will typically hold a child size Coke from McDonalds.
If you do go to a village called Clapham, keep away from the "massive". This group includes some charming people, one of which set fire to a cat. Bedford as a town suffers severe graffiti and other types of vandalism, such as smashing up kids play-parks and and setting fire to tyre swings. There is also a neighbouring suburb called Kempston. This is even worse than Bedford itself and if it saves you 50 miles of driving do not got through it.
While the 'micro chavs' offer about as much threat as an ant with Downes Syndrome the larger ones can be a large danger. While on their own, there height of around 5'7 and their skinny, weedy build is a small threat, they move in swarms of large groups. the larger of these groups will often have a 'pimped out' Volkwagen Polo or Ford with Halfords body kits. These chavs will be found in areas such as the Aspects Leisure Park were they will be with some slags who can't speak properly or they will be around Midland Road.
The main rivals of the chavs are the Harpur Trust School groups who the chavs see as 'posh kids' who are 'loaded'. Their hang outs will generally be away from chavs but it they ever encounter them a few insults will be said but both groups are to 'pussy' to fight one another' The 'cooler' groups from the Harpur Trust schools will attempt to look hard, especially the males so that they can look 'hard' to attract females. This will be done by swigging cheap vodka in Bedford Park or by walking to Subway in a group of about 100,000 douchebags who will all be wearing chequered shorts and stupidly tight A and or Jack Wills shirts. These groups will normally meet in Subway, 'the Mound', or 'the Green'.
edit The Typical Bedford Douchebag
While Bedford is on a similar financial league as that of Ethiopia and Mexico, it does, as in these two countries have much corruption resulting in small pockets of richer people. This results in some becoming self arse sniffing morons who walk around Bedford in a similar fashion to that of Darth Vader on the Death Star, except the douchebag's Death Star is Subway. They can be spotted by their all too bold uniform, consisting of entirely Jack Wills or Abercrombie and Fitch outfits. A douchebag's hierarchy can be noted by how much cheap vodka he is able to drink or by how much attention he pays to his hair. The reason for their exaggerated self importance is unknown, but it could be because as all people are on a higher level than the majority of Bedford's population, the chavs, they may believe to be the true leaders of Bedford's youth.
Their general ethos in life is to 'get with' as many of the opposite sex as possible, despite the fact that everyone knows that they are gay (note blonde highlights, fake tan, tight shirts). Their pathetic, insignificant lives also revolve around getting 'wasted' or 'smashed' and some random person's , for they consider it enjoyable despite the risks of being killed by the vast swarms of Bedford's chavs who strive to protect their mating companions.
edit Town Hang-outs
edit Charlies Premier (inn)
a nice shop where the rats run free living in the hay and straw they try to sell out side. then eat the 10p little gummy sweets that they sell the shop. also makes a challenge to steal from with 10 CCTV , but the chavs are clever they work in teams to fall the nice ethnic women into thinking they are just hooded Jedi. The woman in there has decided to accuse everyone between the age of 1 and 200000 of shoplifting (even though 99% of what she sells is knocked off). She doubles the OOD shit in price
edit BK or "Burger King"
This, the second most popular place for the youth of Bedford's "nice schools" to gather can often be found buying food because no one Al's can afford it
edit Downtown McDonalds
The Maccy D's down by the river is like no mans land, everyone goes there sooner or later, but its always a free for all to get seats. This is possibly the most versatile social environment in Bedford, it is quite literally, crawling with filth (level of extremity may vary). The "modern" decoration theme is a poor attempt to lighten the horrible reality of the building and is often just described as, "that wall wot i wiped my ass wiv dat week ages ago."
edit Bedford Park
Usually filled with more private school teens than actual toddlers, it used to be worth your while to walk the half hour it takes to get there until the council got rid of the only cool thing there; the huge blue triangle thing, and they replaced it with some crappy rope-walk thing. So now its just a park, miles away that really isn't worth the walk.
edit Midland Road
You see Chavs near the place where da Pound Land and that weird shop with a peado-looking Batman Statue is, kind of like some entering to Queens Park where the shank rate is high and if you make it out alive then you are no doubt, crippled. Also Bedford's most famous; Mad Ricky, with his big Rastaf hat and the rizzla in his hand, he will approach you and ask you to give him money to get on the bus to Luton to see his mum. But he will then take you money and walk into the nearest Off-License.
edit The Rest of It
Filled with chavs and retards that get drunk in the bushes and then make out/have sex with whoever will let them. WARNING: do not go there after 9:00, otherwise you will be raped, mugged and offered drugs by Irish people.... possibly all at the same time.
These retards will often be the supposed popular people from the Harpur Trust Schools. Here they take part in what they see as a social life, when in fact all it involves is getting smashed on cheap vodka, often mixed with some sort of soft drink because so they can get drunk faster, thus impressing their fellow douchebags on who can get drunk in the shortest amount of time. Once the cheap vodka has been drunk in the space of several minutes the opposite sexes (the girls of whom will be crying whilst drunk) will go to the privacy of bushes or behind any small structure to 'get with one another' of which will appear to be some vile ritual which will consists of some douchebag in a tight Jack Wills or Abercrombie and Fitch shirt attempting to 'get with' some drunk girl, because they consider that to be enjoyable and cant get with girls when they are sober - a selective few.
edit The Block
If you do not know anyone who already goes there- don't. Full of armed, angry men, and armed, angry women and a few Skateboarders the Block is located behind the Harpur Centre. Hostile to anyone new, the block is defensive of it's 'area', with occupants fond of 'cotching' and fighting, it's just best you don't go there.
edit The Mound
Down by the embankment, conveniently in between McDonalds, and the cinema. often inhabited by anyone who wants to go and eye up other stereotypes and also get offered drugs by Irish drug dealers who ask you your name and how old you are. Also youths who like to be cool and get "pissed" there do this , and quickly are running off when the police come . Yet another place to find and befriend the Emo's and Goths of Bedford. The new mount movement. the chav's have moved up the mound in hope in finding fights instead the just sit there shouting at them the whole time. after this the emo's respond bye lobbing piss bottles, them the police come and by the end the police end up with 100 bags of weed
edit Russell Park
Frequented by the year tens from the shit schools that sit around because they don't have enough money to do anything else but sit in the wooden castle with a marker pen. if you go there when it gets dark you will find the emo's running about, wondering why the police where called for them trying to burn it down with a match. There is also swan shit everywhere, if you go towards the embankment.
edit The 'Hipster/Popular' Teens
These teens can be found from such schools as Wootten, Sharnbrook, and Biddenham. You HAVE seen them, as they are the teens that wear such clothing as vans, snapbacks & skinny jeans or chinos. They mainly meet up on Saturdays (sometimes Sundays, maybe even Mondays if it's a bank holiday) so they can discuss they're bitchy conversations about people, thinking they're in hard, when in fact, can't say it face to face. Also, some of them do infact smoke, but they primarily just drink a couple of beers. They can be found near enough anywhere in town, but mainly the area outside 'Game' and WHSmith's.
edit Biddenham (Bidnum) Boys
A delightful group of Urban Ethnic Teenagers (Pakistanis and a few white) from Biddenham upper school, the kids from QP all go to school there. They can often be found in Poundland and 99p stores stealing the bumper shine spray paint in a group, which they use to spray tags around Bedford.