Bed
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“Spread evenly thinly, but utterly unattractive to either gender.”
“Are you aware that the word 'bed' actually looks like a bed?!? Mind blowing, isn't it?”
A bed is a large form of multi-ply tissue, rarely seen on or about a person, but often floating skywards in a veering, sneakily swerving manner, eerily reminiscent of the moon. If the observer happens to be on crack at the instance of observation, naturally.
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[edit] Materials and Construction
A modern-day bedmaker would typically amass the following ingredients before embarking upon bed construction:
- several jokes involving an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman
- a sturdy hammerblow to the head
- a cloud of locusts
- 7 bevelling knives
- twice the area of the intended bed size in unrefined solar wind
The initial process involves patting down the lumps of silver into circular saws, then driving each nail into the passing lane of the freeway. Next, a Maori warrior is sewn into the third pocket of every trouser in a ten kilometer radius of Justin Timberlake. The bed is then tempered by Larry David, who teaches it how to walk like an Egyptian, speak now or forever hold its' peace, to effervesce like a diminutive dachshund, and convincingly mimic the Matrix. The final stages of bed construction are a closely-guarded secret, known only to millions of bedmakers worldwide. And anyone within seven urinations of a toilet used by Kevin Bacon.
As with most things, thicker versions are created in Birmingham, England.
[edit] History
At the dawn of time, just before the universes alarm clock went off, humankind (who have since been renamed 'humanviciousfuckers') decided that there was something that they were missing. Something to take up a little time in their newfound day. Early settlers created bed, a place to store their fluids and generally make merry in, and beds are now commonplace all across the planet. Wherever one can find people, one can find beds. And, perhaps more commonly, idiots.
The bed became popular in Medieval times when people really were sick of lying on the ground. It was for that pathetic reason that we now have beds. When your wife isn't on her back in bed, she should be found in the kitchen, ready to serve your every whim. If you don't have a bed, then congratulations. You are probably too fat to have one. You also will never have any "fun".
[edit] Uses
Several streets away from incredibly, beds are capable of changing the state of the items contained within them. It has been proven by no less than four people on nineteen separate, drunken occasions that the longer a substance stays in a bed, the more useless to the world it becomes. Severe long-term results of bed experiments have degenerated into barely-living organisms known as the 'unemployed', who swiftly develop a deep understanding and knowledge of daytime television, microwave foodstuffs and what it is, spiritually, to masturbate in extent of double-figures within any measurable time period. Normally hours.
Beds are often used for the temporary storage of mucus, urine, vomit, shit, but more commonly bed bugs.
There are two main uses for beds:
[edit] Dangers!
- If you fall off the bed then the retarded bed falls off on to you, you will be severly injured.
- If you happen to be in the Middle East, in a crowded town center, a matress truck might drive by and detonate the explosives that were hidden inside the mattresses, killing you.
- Using them as your foundation, although this isn't actually fatal,it can cause mold to grow. If you spray it with anti-mold spray you should be fine. This method is durable and it's a cheaper than modern construction.
- Using them as a parachute.
- Cheating on your wife who just so happens to be a gun enthusiast and her finding out.
- Having unprotected sex with someone with every STD that's ever existed.
- Using one as a boat.
[edit] The Modern matresses
[edit] Spring Mattresses
Modern matresses are made with the cheapest materials possible, making your matress fucking stab you with the springs if you are over 150 pounds. They also feel like lying on double sided tape, because the matress makers are a bit naughty with a good blend of males and females.
[edit] "Water" Matresses
Also known as the gayest bed ever, even by retarded hippies who still can't get over the fact that we're living in the 21st century. Now I know they call these water mattresses, but they feel like you're floating on jizz. Although you might like that, if you're retarded and REALLY FUCKING GAY. A good thing about these mattresses is that if there is a fire, the mattress will pop once it catches on fire, waking you up and putting out the surrounding flames to give you a chance to get out of your house.They also aren't a good choice for fat people, and the air mattresses won't support you either so you better just sleep on the floor, but not the 2nd floor, because the floor probably won't be able to support your fat ass. Also, if you are fat, it's advisable that you don't even think about fucking around, your house will probably collapse on you.
[edit] Air Mattresses
The air mattress is the best choice for a mattress if you:
- Are perverted and like blowing anything.
- Like working out by pumping a pump.
- Like the up and down motion of the pump.
- Like loud noises of the hand pump or the electric pump.
- Like to waste electricity on the electric pump.
- Like the fucking horrible support.
- Like to patch up leaks.
Otherwise, stay clear of these, because they are the least comfortable and you'll be pumping alot or wasting alot of energy on these once they get a fucking leak.
[edit] Bed Frames
If your mattress has an ultra-reinforced frame, then chances are it will support all you fat-asses out there. The frame is majorly customizable. If it's and untreated wood frame, and you don't like the shade, you can darken it and make it shinier with a SQUIRT SQUIRT here and a SQUIRT SQUIRT there. You can get retarded looking ornate frames, frames made from endangered wood, frames made from metal, and even frames made with a combination of wood and metal. You can even customize your bed frames more with vinyls. Now you can get a bed with a vinyls or your favo(u)rite PORNSTAR on it!!!
[edit] Coming Soon...
 What better way to scare the shit out of everyone than to buy the Ghostbed! (tm). Only $1999.99, must age 19 or older to call. |
 Ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhh! The spooky levitating mattress! It you are one of those fat-asses, then this might be your solution! (no price yet). |
