Beaver

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Redirected from Beavers)
Jump to: navigation, search
“Remember Bob, protect your beaver, never leave it unattended!”
~ Sarah and Marie on Bob's beaver
“Thank you Sarah and Marie, next time I will take better care of my beaver”
~ Bob on his beaver
“I didn't know Bob had a beaver”
~ Doug,Rob,Sarah,Tom Marie, Joe, Matt and Matt,Dave,Rob H. on Bob's beaver
“Hey kids! Your mom has a beaver”
~ Kayde cossman


Beaver

A Fine Specimen of a Beaver

The beaver is a North American rodent which... Hahaha! Beaver! I just got it! Ahem. Anyway a beaver (snicker) is a buck toothed thing which lives by nibbling on big, thick logs... that is to say, the logs are firm and upright, until the beaver has finished with them... uh... to put it another way, a billy makes a dam with its teeth; a dental dam, if you will... ah.... Anyways, a beaver is soft and smooth and covered with hair... I mean, a beaver lives partly on land and partly in a river, so sometimes it's dry and sometimes it's soaking wet... oh, this is too painful... I just can't go on....


edit Evolution of the Beaver

Beavers are large,sometimes chocolate-flavored mammals, completely pink on the inside, that are part of the rodent family. Scientific studies show that beavers are actually the missing link between Neanderthals and modern day hillbillies. This research is based upon the fact that both beavers and humans screw with mother nature by cutting down trees and blocking up rivers. However, being more primitive, they do not have the well-known warning call, "timber", for when a tree comes falling down, that humans do. The effects of this drawback can be seen in the enormous amount of deaths within the beaver population from being crushed by trees or eaten by brush crabs. Sometimes even abducted by aliens!! They are found roaming around Mars, Jupiter, planet X, Pluto, UrAnus and have to be brought back to Earth. It is often assumed that beavers eat fish uhh well from the river and it is said they hibernate and get really grumpy when you wake them up. It is also said that they store up fish for later consumption, maybe they have a fish tank in there or something, I dunno.

Let Sleeping beavers lie, else they get all cranky¡¡¡ These Are Facts

edit Life of the Beaver

At early life, the beaver does not have hair, but as it grows and gets bigger it gets hairier. just like that 12 year old girl, or obama. some beavers shave themselves to be more attractive to others. Beavers are often known to compare notes on physical appearance. This practice ensures that beavers are generally smooth and moist more so than other animals. However, on occasion, as a result of the above noted advice, younger beavers may often be mistaken for other animals, such as porcupines or fish. plus it looks like a vagina!!!


edit Legends of the Beaver

According to disreputable folklorists (reputable folklorists won't even go near a beaver), the beaver is the source of the legend of the vampire. After all, beavers have two big teeth that they use to cut down trees in order to get to the blood within. Vampires have two big teeth that they use to cut people's necks in order to get to the blood within. Could the connection be any more obvious?

edit Species & Distribution

200px-American Beaver

There is no more beautiful sight in nature than a wet beaver.

Beavers are found all over the world and there are thought to be about 0.5 beavers for every human in roughly similar density with a number of noteworthy exceptions including San Fransisco, the Australian Outback and the executive board of all major corporations. The following species have been well catalogued (and I mean well catalogued - see most of the internet) in the literature:

  • American Beaver: (Castor Fornicatus) Similar in size to the European beaver with the interesting behaviour that younger specimens are more likely to be encountered in the back of cars. The most famous American Beaver is Buc-ee.
  • Brazilian Beaver: (Mufficus Nonicus) Almost or completely hairless this species of beaver appears to be very tame and a very popular subject for study.
  • Canadian Beaver: (Beaver Eager) The Canadian beaver's pelt is like felt. Short but not stubbly or totally bald like the Brazillian. Felt offers superior insulating properties for cold climes, has a softness and sleekness that makes it a favourite of Beaver hunters and ease of care and cleaning (unlike the French Beaver).
  • Chinese Beaver: (Pubis Chinoise)(pronounced sometimes as der-sheh) Slightly smaller than its European and American Cousins this cute little animal is usually very well groomed and slightly shorter haired. Almost invariably it has a thin coat of wiry black hair. Another note is that it is sideways.
  • French Beaver: (Beveur Jardin de Madame) Similar to the skunk the French beaver is unique for its onion and garlic defence if it feels threatened. Longer haired than other European beavers this animals fur has a tendency to grow unkempt and matted.
NB: This is with the exception of Carla Bruni's beaver which is a beautifully kept specimen and much admired.
  • Finnish Beaver: (Caveat Frigus) The Finnish Water Beaver is known locally as 'Vittu Pakastanut'. Its inland cousin, the Tree Hugger Fugger Beaver Big Log Cleaver, (which everyone knows is the wet Water Beaver's 'kissing cousin') can often be seen in its natural habitat chopping down large sections of forest with it's powerful incisors.
  • Lancashire Beaver: (Ohhayy Beaver) The emerging Lancashire Beaver is known for its red fur and sometimes aggressive nature. They often have a good relationship with their fathers - until they disappoint them through acts such as the playing of musical instruments.

edit Habitat

The beaver dwelling (sometimes known as a lodge) is normally found between two converging branches of a river (or legs). It is accessed through a concealed wet tunnel which its owners protect fiercely until fully subdued.

John Locke once predicted that due to their biological superiority over humans, beavers may one day conquer the world. This may very well have happened, had it not been for Davy Crockett, beavers' greatest nemesis. Davy Crockett got mad beaver.

Today, the beaver is seldom seen in public anymore. Satellite imaging, however, has revealed many secret beaver communities on the frigid shores of Canada

edit Behaviour

Beaver-T0269

Awwwww............

It is generally accepted that there is more misinformation than information in circulation about the behaviour of the beaver. What is certain is that when excited they tend to dive to the bottom of their pool or otherwise get wet. Experienced Beaver Scouts find they are able to stimulate this behaviour by careful stroking.

Beavers don't hibernate but they also tend not to like being woken up in the middle of the night - particularly when you come home from a night out with your mates.

Beavers spend most of their time living in small tents known as 'Undies' and only usually come out to wash, relieve themselves, breed or (if you're lucky) play. However they are also known to exhibit a behaviour called 'commando' in which they leave their tent for longer periods of time though usually remain in cover. If Beaver Scouts find out a beaver has gone commando they are always keen to catch a glimpse of it exhibiting this unusual and interesting behaviour.

edit Diet

Beavers are famous for their insatiable appetite for Morning Wood. Many people believe beavers would be happiest getting wood morning, noon and night. They love it. Many beavers get excited at the very sight of wood and will be jumping in and out of their pool and getting wet before they've even touched it. Beavers are certainly at their happiest stuffed with wood.

Fortunately many Beaver Scouts find it very easy to get wood whenever they see a beaver.

edit Beaver Scouts

From just before puberty onwards most boys (90% by some estimates) and some girls (10% by the same estimates) are inducted in to the Beaver Scouts. After that and for most of the rest of their lives they will spend the majority their time hunting beaver, thinking about beaver and comparing notes and hunting techniques with fellow Beaver Scouts in various makeshift meetings - in bars, pubs, at watercoolers, bus stops in fact pretty much anywhere two or more Beaver Scouts happen to congregate with more than about 30 seconds to kill.

During meetings the activities of female Beaver Scouts are much discussed and a great deal of time is spent discussing what they do and studying learned documentaries on the subject.

edit Beaver Hunting

edit The Chase

Beavers are known to be attracted to shiny objects known as "Bling" - the more "Bling" that is on offer the more likely you are to get plenty of beaver. One popular belief is that beavers prefer trees but experience shows that they are more amenable to flowers and chocolates, although baiting traps with these is not as popular as you might think. Beavers can either be hostile or simply disappear if not enough Bling, Chocolate and flowers are available. Another popular belief is that beavers can be attracted by expensive cars, but anecdotal evidence suggests this is not an effective hunting strategy. A Porsche can be traded in for one helluva a lot of flowers and choccies!

edit Protection

Despite almost universal protection the beaver is hunted incessantly everywhere it is found throughout the year. Due to reduced cover beavers typically have less protection during the summer months and almost no cover in many coastal areas (at the beach). However numbers remain fairly static due the central role of the beaver in almost all breeding programmes.


REMEMBER: Always Keep Your Beaver Protected and Out of Sight in Public - unless you happen to be drunk and or you voted for Bush in 2001.

edit Captivity

Many attempts have been made to keep beavers in long term captivity. Although the flowers and chocolates used in hunting are partially effective in subduing a captive beaver, long term retention requires something called "commitment". No one knows what this is but unless it is forthcoming, long term beavers become withdrawn, disinterested and eventually migratory.

Contrary to documentary evidence on the internet beavers should be handled with extreme gentleness. Beavers should be handled like the petals of a delicate and exotic flower.

Again in contradiction to popular culture it is considered a positive sign if a "beaver bites the hand that feeds it" and in extreme cases fisting a beaver can occasionally be considered sensitive and caring if done correctly.

The study of beaver psychology (particularly in captivity) remains in its infancy despite many hundreds of thousands of man years spent trying to determine what they want.

edit Owls

Owls and beavers have been long at war, and owls have long been hunting beavers, especially the King of the Beavers, Simon Cowell. Owls are currently plotting to take Simon Cowell in his slumber.

edit Beavers in Canada

In Canada the beaver is used for something different. In Canada the beaver is their professional assassin and is used often to infiltrate the American government to make sure someone hasn't been going and making deals with Quebec behind Canada's back, because everyone knows that you can't trust the French, not even the French trust the French. beavers like to live in Canada. But they hate live in Sweden. He is such a great assassin he once bit Hitler's nose during WWII.

As well, a special subspecies called the Prairie Beaver exists only in Saskatchewan. Its diet consists mainly of meat and trash discarded by humans, as the staple of the Beaver's diet, fish, does not exist in Saskatchewan. There ain't no rivers in 'skatchewan.

Beavers are also the symbol of Canada. America pondered what its national animal should be, and chose the hairless eagle, a creature that symbolized soaring to great heights and the glories of ancient Rome. Canada chose a national animal that symbolized desecration of the natural habitats in order to provide waterproof hats.beavers dont wair hats by they way.

Personal tools
projects