From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Put simply, bearbaiting is the process of tying a younger brother/sister to a tree in the middle of a forest, smearing him/her with honey and waiting for a bear to arrive. Having a gun with you is optional. If you do not have a younger brother/sister, your mother-in-law will do nicely.
edit Tools of Bearbaiting
- Necessary Tools
- Bear Attractant
- Optional Tools
- Dart Gun/Club/Shock Prod/Fire Extinguisher - these are optional, you may want to rescue the victim if you want to recycle. Remember, rinse and reuse. Plus, the police can be annoying, and you may run out of victims.
edit Specific Instructions
- Take victim/bait to the forest. If resistance is encountered, tell them it's a "camping trip"
- Find suitable tree
- When the bait's attention is elsewhere, bash him/her on the head to render them unconscious. If his/her attention is not elsewhere, distract them with the method of pointing and saying, "What's that over there?"
- Tie now-unconscious bait to aforementioned tree.
- Smear bait with a suitable bear-attracting substance. It may be honey, rotting deer flesh, or bear-pheremones. Take your pick.
- Wait for the bear to approach.
At this point, if you want to save the bait for later bearbaiting use, now is the time to club/shock/dart/spray the bear. Remember, bear-killing is not the point - it's bearbaiting after all. The safety of the bait afterward is optional.
edit Bearbaiting throughout history
The first known instance of bearbaiting was when Ug tied his young sister Oog to a tree for a sabertooth bear. Unfortunately, the tree fell down, crushing the bear when it approached.
Ancient Egyptians were famous for bearbaiting. The giant statues and obelisks left behin were not in fact articles of worship. They were bearbaiting relics for very tall people; that is why they made things very tall.
The French were notorious for bearbaiting in the completely wrong way. They instead took a bear, tied that to a tree, and waited for people to walk by. Of course, this didn't really work out and quickly got boring.
Australians, however, are the worst offenders of bear-baiting, due to the fact they got the complete wrong end of the stick. This is due to the fact that they made a gigantic fishing rod, and used frightened bear cubs as 'bait' for catching the Loch Ness Monster, yet were obviously unsucessful, as they were fishing in the Great Barrier Reef, not Nessie's native home of Scotland.
edit Sir Eyesack Newtin
Sir Eyesack Newtin was a famous bearbaiter. He currently holds the world's record with 4271 people tied to trees, including George W. Bush and the Pope. As a child, he started out by tying small squirrels to sticks stuck in the mud. Since he did not in fact live near bears, he moved. When he became a bit older, he realised that a plain stick in the mud and a squirrel didn't really break any horizons. So he tied his mother to a bush with the clothesline. This is the first actual use of synthetic rope as opposed to using vines.
In his later years, he went on to experimenting with fishing line, nylon, nautical rope, and typing large rocks to things. He later died when trying to make an auto-bearbaiter and set it off on himself. A few minutes later, he was eaten by a moose, because he was testing his new invention in Canada.
edit Entertainment Value
Much of bearbaiting's entertainment value lies in waiting and watching your victim shriek and thrash around as a salivating bear approaches. This can be further made more entertaining by leaving a knife/sharp rock/ loose knot just out of reach of the bait/victim.
Many different cultures around the world have their own types of the sport. For example, in the North Pole, polar bears are baited by the reigons dictator, Santa Claus, who sits in a deckchair nearby and watches as captive enemy penguins and un-pleasing elven minions are mauled to death, all the while chuckling to himself. Asian bear-baiting consists of students being fed to rabid bears in the Tiananmen Square, with the blood being used to re-touch some of the peeling paintwork of the Forbidden City. Finally, in Soviet Russia, it is the peasents who become the bait. Some of these are those who offend the government; such as Capitalists; and some are those who have been offended by the government; such as Capitalists. In the classic way of Soviet overkill, they are strapped to a giant log in the middle of the Siberian tundra, and surrrounded by a stockade of smaller logs. Then, newborn baby bears are dropped in to the enclosure, where, if they want to survive, they are forced to gaw at the victims flesh with their gums, resulting in probably the worst kind of bear-baiting, both for the bait and the bear.
edit Not To Be Confused With
This was a fairly common practice among anglers for many years to catch Trout. However it appears to have fallen out of favour now.This seems to be largely because the bear tended to snap whatever rod it was affixed to even before it hit the water, and also because having a fishing hook put in its head tended to annoy the beast somewhat and a mardy Grizzly is not the most sociable of creatures. Most Anglers now tend to settle for maggots or bread and, as a result, fatalities have dropped from 100% to 0%, which is considered a great improvement.