Beararchy

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 03:06, May 10, 2010 by Aleister in Chains (talk | contribs)

(diff) ← Older revision | Latest revision (diff) | Newer revision → (diff)
Jump to: navigation, search
Bear-e2
The strongest political force in the known universe

Beararchy is the inevitable fate of all societies, as bears can beat anything. The wealthy stand no chance, as bears will eat their houses and cars (as well as capital and incentives), as do the impoverished, as bears have no concern for the plight of the proletarian class. The only hope for mankind is for a small band of survivors to form a honey-based economic alliance with the newly established, and inherently under-provisioned bear society.

A key example of Beararchy is the educational TV special on Bear City in which a city was invaded by superintelligent bears who lived the lives like humans. These bears had gained intelligence through massive evolution and are a threat to society especially after they find out about Global Warming. On top of this canned soup is tasty.

Pejoratively, as non-beararchists use it, beararchy refers to the breakdown of order following the collapse of state power. This shift in power has been brought about by bears with too much time on their paws.

edit The Hierarchy of Beararchy, or the Order of the Bears

Like all developed communities, there is present within the Beararchy, a strictly ordered government, broken into classes, much like the Feudal Society.

At the top of the social ladder is the Bear-King, who has mastered the art of disguise and now rules a world power with an iron, bear-like fist (in this case, its a "paw" but fist sounds so much fierce). Sometimes his bear-like nature is revealed through his short-sightedness. Take the issue of continuity power. Bear's tend to hibernate a great deal, meaning that in the Fall, they get drowsy, take a good book and disapear into a cave for, say, 120 days or so. On that first day out out of the cave thend to be hungry and not too proccupied with who sat on the throne last fall. Having short memories, and that all bears tend to look alike, the males all stand around growling at eat other until someone makes a move. Thus, a new Bear-King is annointed for life, or until the next hibernation cycle starts anew.

The Bear-King does not have a Bear-Queen, as in the past this has lead to confusing debates such as equal rights in the workplace and what to do with feminists. The Bears decided it would be much simpler to simply come together to catch trout once a year and have casual relations. Instead, he picks a She-Bear to be his Consort. The Bear-King could opt for a Harem however, which is causing much turmoil and malcontent among the governed.

Bearpress
Bear-Senator "The Devourer" (real name unknown) makes the case for Beararchy on Meet the Press

Ruling below the Bear-King is the Bear-Senate, the members of which are elected by the rest of Beardom, but voting is voluntary. This results in many Bearizens not voting and then complaining about the elected Bear-Senate, a phenomenon that we can see today in America, one of the Beararchy's fiercest rivals. The Bear-Senate is now largely a titular body, crippled by their lack of interest in what happens to the world anyway.

Guarding the order of life with tooth and claw (literally) are the Military Elite, made up entirely of Polar Bears. The Military Elite are a terrible sight to behold marching down the street of a conquered country, with their full body armour and helmet-mounted lasers. They have often been referred to by the uneducated as "Bears With Lasers", and are regarded with much terror. As the only Bear species that eats meat exclusively, they make excellent shock troops as they are never distracted by berries or honey, and will gladly eat foolish humans who try to appease them by creating Honey-based economic alliances.

Eyelasers
A member of the Beararchy Military Elite, demonstrating appropriate use of weaponry on photographers.

Below the Beararchy Military Elite are the Beargeoisie who only growl in French. A past Bear-King submitted a movie idea about the said class to human cartoonist Walt Disney, however it was rejected in favour of a cast of less gigantic animals. The Beargeoisie don't do very much, but they have been known to veto such inventions as the Prius because they couldn't figure out a way to stop it from losing them Honey, the national currency of the Beararchy.

All classes below the Beargeoisie are considered to be nothing but dogs, and are treated as such. This maintains the strict system of the rich getting richer, and the poor dying. Scientists of the Beararchy have deduced that this is a good way to combat overpopulation and, in the long term, poverty, as eventually all the underprivileged will die, leaving only the very small upper classes to distribute jobs and wealth amongst themselves. They also did this because all bears suffer from a crippling fear of flying, which would be unavoidable if air-drops of honey and dehydrated kittens were to be preformed for the sake of the underprivileged.

edit Problems From Within - Organised Crime Within the Beararchy

But not even a society as ideal as the Beararchy is without its problems. There have been numerous incidents over the past years of organized crime breaking out in nasty rashes all over the Bearopolitan area.

The culprits are thought to be the Mafia Koalas, who integrate themselves into the Beararchy by being cute and cuddly, with ears and eyes, traits exclusive to the Bear race. However, these Tommy-gun wielding devils are in fact not bears, but Marsupials, the sworn enemy of the Bear, much in the same way that the Pirate is the sworn enemy of the Ninja.

There have been worrying reports of Mafia Koalas teaming up with their fellow Australians, the Drop-Bears, (Which are also not bears, and also, in a cunning twist not marsupials), and together they have been committing increasingly nefarious crimes against the Crown. The Koala's dual thumbs makes it particularly easy for them to commit digital crimes, as they can type just that much faster. They also do not drink, which means they can successfully infiltrate parties and extract valuable information from bears high on Honychol, Crystal Hethy, and other illicit drugs which are readily available on the Bear Market.


edit What To Do If Your Country is Invaded by Bears: Untested Non-Legal Advice

68643103ef5bc8f78880998dc71baffd
Bears have only one natural enemy, conservative icon Stephen Colbert!!!

1. You should never run. The Bear's vision is based on movement, and as the last unicorn has taught us, you should never run from something immortal.

2. You should never attempt to reason with a bear. Their minds are too full of honey-lust, and while they may let you live for now, they will undoubtedly send the Military Elite after you to finish what they could not.

3. Challenge the bear to a drinking competition, and then state that you have no money with which to buy drinks. The bear will be so offended that it will not be able to stand to look at you, and this is where you make your escape.

4. If you don't like your neighbour, tell the bear that they are harbouring WMDs which they are planning to sell to the Mafia Koalas rather than the Beararchy. While the bears are dismembering your neighbour in search for said weapons, you can steal the Zeppelin they had been hiding on their roof, in the event of your not owning one.

5. Abandon all hope and surrender yourself to the life of a Dancing Human. The pay isn't good and you will be made to dance through pain via a stick in your nose rather than actual training, but you will have a slim chance of being rescued by the Beararchy Beamane Society, where you will get to live out the rest of your life in a lovely zoo, and you may even be supplied with a mate to assist in the human breeding programme. Be warned, however! If you are too damaged to be considered cute by visiting bear cubs and She-bear you will probably be put down. With a bear fist.

edit See also

Personal tools
projects