Bear Grylls
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“He's not even a real bear”
“Twelve times out of ten he has no idea what he's chewing on”
Not to be confused with Ursine cosmetic dentistry (bear grillz), Bear Grylls, also known as Bear Burgers or Bear Kebabs (born 1974, the middle of the Sahara desert) is a survivalist, open-minded gourmet, television personality and vegetarians' nightmare. He currently lives in the Big Blue House with his spouse Findus Crispy Vegetable.
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[edit] Career
Bear Grylls (Born Survivor) during his mother's pregnancy, at around 7 months in, heard talk of a C-section between his mother, Mrs. Grylls, and her gynacologist. At the thought of this he used a flint and the uterus to get a spark with which he ignited the umbilical cord and burnt his way out of the womb. His mother obviously died in the process and so he was free to name himself; ergo: Bear Grylls, Born Survivor
When Bear Grylls was only eight, he and father were visiting the U.S., Bear was arrested and he was forced to go the O'Brien Death Camp. He spent only a month there. While he was there he learned how to survive in the extreme place. Bear learned most of his survival skills there, and was forced to resort to cannibalism for it was the only source of food[1], (this is how Bear can eat bugs and crap without a second thought). Bear escaped and then went back to Britain. Bear joined the SAS, but had to leave the service in 1994 after sustaining injuries following his attempt to take-on an entire Bosnian Serb armoured division armed with nothing but a stick. (He actually killed them all but Bear wanted to test his skin/armor)
Bear became famous in 1998 when he became the youngest known person to climb to the moon (a task declared "impossible", "dangerous", "mad" and "cold" by Sir Edmund Hillary). Grylls refuses to be acknowledged as the first person to climb to the moon as he claims he found a skeleton up there "clutching an ice pick". He later declared that the bones had come in handy for brewing-up a "nourishing broth". Nobody knows who the skeleton was. Perhaps it was this guy.
After he came back down from the moon he wrote a book about his experiences: It's Not Made Of Cheese - How I Discovered Wallace and Grommit Were Lying Bastards. The book went on to become a worst-seller.
In 2000, Grylls swam around the world, starting from Aberdeen in spring and arriving tired, exhausted and covered in barnacles in Liverpool in late autumn. He claims he survived by diving for giant squid[2], catching rainwater in his mouth during storms at sea and wrestling sharks to pass the time. All the time he had been swimming in the Pacific and Atlantic oceans he had recorded a video diary on a handcam. This footage was edited together to make the film For Fuck's Sake, Man! which was shown on Channel 4 in the UK in 2001.
It is rumoured that Bear Grylls found Osama Bin Laden in an underground cave while burrowing for bat eggs in the Himalayan mountains. He was unsuccessful so ate Osama by killing him with the first bite in order to stop it wiggling on the way down. He did save a piece of his beard as tinder though.
Controversy wracked Grylls when it was revealed that many of his "survival" situations were about as dangerous as a trip to the local car wash, involving luxury bed and breakfasts, blueberry pancakes, and internet access. To prove himself to audiences yet again, Grylls hunted down and ate the rogue cameraman who betrayed him, declaring him to be "a great source of protein".
Bear also had a succesful career as a pornstar in his teenage life having gangbangs in his hotel room with chinese prostitutes while filming episodes of Born Nutter in a gypsy shanty town. He has also been reported for having the biggest penis in the world measuring 80cm when erect. Now that's a terrific source of protein!
[edit] Bear's hatred for babies
Bear Grylls has lots of natural enemies but none can compare to human babies. Whilst trekking in the amazon, Bear was over come by three, yes three babies. Naturally, Bear knew that babies would only attack if they see movement. But Bear could not help himself as he had seen a slightly nutritious piece of dried poop and had to eat it for energy. The babies pounced and Bear spent many hours fighting them. Eventually Bear had killed them all but had acquired an injury on his left ankle. Mr Grylls did not know what to expect has he had never sustained an injury before, thus putting all human babies on the top of his to "kill and consume" list.
[edit] Things Bear Grylls has eaten/drank on-camera
In his never-ending quest to not die whilst in the open air, Bear will eat and drink pretty-much anything. To date, he has consumed on-camera in front of astonished viewers ants, sea anenomes, You, wildcats, lolcats, Your Firstborn, Life, a killer whale, crude oil, poop, an abandoned car, Jar-Jar Binks, a tree, God, Tokyo, the planet jupiter, Jesus, and his own urine which apparently "tastes like [[Piss|Goldschlager]
[edit] Relationship with SURVIVORMAN
- While filming for their next episode, Les Stroud of "Survivorman" and Bear Grylls of "Man vs. Wild" cross paths in the wilderness of Alaska. Here's what follows:
| Bear: It's very important to stay as warm and rubbing animal feces on yourself is a good way to do this. *Hears Footsteps*
Les: Well hey, look who it is. Sh*tface himself, Bear Grylls... Bear: Oh...Hello Les, get separated from you boy scout troop again. Did Discovery Channel actually give you a 2nd season? Les: Yes they did. They had no choice. Your roll is to be like the show WildBoyz, I have to be the show that teaches you to survive. Bear: What, are you jealous that I'm stealing the spotlight? Les: Yeah, I'm real jealous. I wish I had sh*t on my face and I wish that I used my own piss soaked shirt to keep cool, or drink water from elephant sh*t. COME ON GRYLLS, WHO ARE YOU KIDDING!? Bear: I TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO SURVIVE!! Les: Is that so. So normal people jump out of planes when the go camping in the middle of the Costa Rican jungle. Is that it? Normal people have camera crews following them as the go "deep into the jungle". Normal people choose to eat raw fish or jump into icy water on a glacier when they have a perfectly good fire? Face it, you're a joke. Your just a pretty face that goes hiking and films it! Bear: You are jealous. Ratings are up on my show and besides, you couldn't cut it doing the extreme things I do. I climbed Everest at age 23, I was in the British SAS until I broke my back, and I crossed the frozen North Atlantic in an inflatable boat just to name a few! You on the other hand are just a musician who likes camping! Les: My music is boss just like my show is relevant. It's very easy to have to use a broken dirk bike to help you survive in the desert or suffer from rabbit starvation. Bear: Oh, I forgot you were such a bad ass. I'm out of here. Go play your harmonica and fuck off. Les: No, please stay. I'm about to do the segment where I teach my viewers how to deal with assbags in the wild. Bear: Nice joke. You sounded convinced that people actually watch your show! Call me from your stupid satellite phone when you go prime time!...Jackass!
Bear: Now I will show you how shitting on a fire log and pissing on a douchebag's shirt can drive the douchebag away! | 
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[edit] Television Work
Bear Grylls: Born Nutter (2001)
Bear Grylls: Across The Sahara In My Pants (2002)
How To Cook A Killer Whale with Bear Grylls (2003)
These Ants Taste Delicious (2004)
Building A Synagogue In Tehran Just For The Hell Of It with Bear Grylls (2005)
How To Survive Glasgow City Centre On A Saturday Night (2006)
Bear Grylls vs Grizzly Bears (HBO pay per view special) (2007)
How To Survive Being Stranded In The Live Taping Of Oprah (2008)
Living In A Sewage Treatment Plant For A Month With Only A Salt Cellar (2009)
The Breakfast At This Hotel Is Substandard At Best. (2009)
