Beaconhills College

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Beaconhills College
If you aren’t a Christian after years of seeing this every day, you never will be
Pakenham and Berwick, Victoria, Australia
Type ‘Independent’, Co-educational (a shame, as GIRLZ SMELL), Day school
Motto Latin: Lux Luceat (Pay Your Fees)
Denomination 20 cents
Year Established And though you fight to stay alive, your body starts to shiver; for no mere mortal can resist the evil of the thriller
Chairman Chairman Mao
Headmaster Pamela Anderson
Enrolment Three-fitty (approx.)
Colour(s) Preparatory, primary and secondary
Website [1]

Beaconhills College is a beacon of knowledge that shines from atop a hill of learning. That's right; we learn about metaphor there. The college has two campuses, located in Pakenham and Berwick, Victoria, Australia. The College's founders gave the two campuses phonetically similar alternate names, Valley and Village, to confuse and intimidate outsiders and new students who are yet to be indoctrinated.

Beaconhills was established in 1982 by the Anglican and Uniting Churches to serve the education needs of the Christian community in the greater Pakenham area. To their dismay, Pakenham's population consisted entirely of heathens. Despite the school's appearance as a typical conservative Christian college, the school attempts to instil values in its students that are decidedly left of centre, politically speaking, such as "social reconciliation", "tolerance" and "global warming". Enrolling one's progeny at the school is a sure-fire way of engendering a perception of oneself as “modern”, “progressive” and “hip”.

The College celebrated its silver jubilee in 2007. According to one student, “several people clapped”.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Beaconhills College.

College History


The idea to establish a local, independent, Christian "science fiction/action heist" school written, co-produced and directed by Christopher Nolan was conceived by a group of parishioners at St. John's Anglican Church in Upper Beaconsfield in 1980. By March 1981, shortly after finishing Insomnia and long before Batman Begins, a Steering Committee had been established with Mr John McConchie appointed as Chairperson. The Steering Committee called a public meeting at the Pakenham Hall on 11 March 1981 where an 80-page draft about “dream stealers and infiltration of the subconscious” was ratified in the presence of some 250 people and presented to Warner Bros.

In 1981, as the Steering Committee felt they needed to have more experience with large-scale film production, the project was retired and the Committee worked on Batman Begins, The Prestige and The Dark Knight. They spent six months polishing the script before Warner Bros. purchased a 13-acre (53,000 m2) site on Toomuc Valley Road and portable classrooms obtained from St. Catherine's School in Toorak. A tall fence was constructed to keep out the local Pakwegians. Its official budget was $160 million, a cost which was split between Warner Bros. and the Department of Education. The Pakenham Campus premiered on 3 February 1982 with 34 students and five staff, including Leonardo DiCaprio, Ken Watanabe, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Marion Cotillard, Ellen Page, Tom Hardy, Dileep Rao, Cillian Murphy, Tom Berenger, and Michael Caine. Beaconhills College has received wide critical acclaim and numerous critics have praised its originality, cast, score, and Christian ethos.


Beaconhills College alumni Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Top) displaying his noted dress sense during a student free dress day. Incidentally, the photograph was taken during one of Pakenham's frequent earthquakes. Gordon-Levitt is attempting to assist the teacher in the foreground. Internal politics of the mathematics department. Over the course of many years the Beaconhills College Valley Campus Senior School Mathematics Department was presided over by the all knowing SittingBull with the capable assistance of rebel Spartacus. Throughout this time maths results increased to highs not even experiences by cocaine users and levels of insurgence at the college was at an all time low. The wise sitting bull was not only a spreader of inutile mathematical humbug but also a wise prophet who's words were well appreciated by those who absorbed his teachings. His right hand man Spartacus was a more audacious fellow who was well adored by his greenhorn disciples of the lower teachings of mathematical code however his boldness, brashness, bravery and bravado often did not sit well with his fellow spreaders of knowledge who did not appreciate his whimsical and obscure spelling competition lingo. A firm believer in the right to view educational youtube videos as a teaching tool saw him placed on a high mantle by his students who appreciated his interpersonal qualities.  However the good times could not last forever. Although the true reason is unclear whispers have spread that the exceeding intelligence of headmaster Mr. Shoe Maker decided to dispense with the services of Sitting Bull as a teacher of Specialist Mathematics. A proud man and accomplished prophet Sitting Bull decided that his services may be appreciated elsewhere deciding to head to greener pastures. With his departure, his right hand man Spartacus decided that it would be his time to take over his  role requesting to teach the accomplished specialist mathematics class for units both three and four. However his honorable request was rejected by Shoe Maker and taking after his hero Sitting Bull decided his services might well be useful in raising the abysmal knowledge absorption levels at nearby Scumville High School. With the departure of long cherished leaders of the mathematical department students are concerned at the affect this may have upon their educations'. Many students have been quoted as saying such phrases as "spartacus was my hero" and "i considered suicide when i heard of their impending departures. The throne of mathematical overlord has been taken by   dr.who, spartacus' arch enemy of whom he refuses to acknowledge the qualifications she has gained, referring to her as Mrs. Who as apposed to Dr.Who. It thus unclear whether Who has the know how, to know what and when to dispense her knowledge to her newly found disciples of specialist mathematics. New information has come to light on the topic of year 12 specialist results. Dr Who has reportedly divulged information regarding the end of Sitting Bull's employment. It has been reported that the curriculum was quite repetitive and that when students came to exam time they were not able to fathom the questions due to the easiness of the subject throughout the year. Thus Dr Who claimed the reigns and the curriculum will be more rigorous throughout the year to ensure disciples of maths are adequately prepared for their final exams. .

Berwick Campus

Some time after the success of the original, Pakenham campus, it was decided that a sequel would be produced. The Berwick Campus, situated on a 15 hectare site in Kangan Drive, Berwick, opened in 2003 with 356 students and 38 staff members. However, reviews were poor, with one critic claiming: “After the success of the first campus, a second simply wasn’t necessary, and has only tarnished the reputation of the first. It is a letdown on all fronts- casting, plot, effects, and even its performing arts facilities. Where the first campus proved to be original, well thought out and well paced, this campus has proved to be an ugly concrete jungle”.


The school’s uniform policy is hypocritically presented as rigid to those outside the school community, while in practice, students make changes and bend the rules as they see fit. Incidentally, they also bend the school’s architecture as they see fit (creating structures that the existence of which appears impossible on the physical plane).

Summer Uniform

For boys, the summer uniform consists of grey shorts, a short white sleeve shirt and a T-shirt with a provocative print on it, worn underneath. Boys must ensure that a sufficient number of buttons are unfastened, so that the T-shirt can be clearly seen from any distance. For girls, a summer school dress that leaves little to the imagination is the standard. In fact, some of the teachers have expressed a desire for the girls to leave nothing to the imagination. Evidently, those particular teachers are somewhat lacking in imagination. Girls must ensure that a sufficient number of buttons are unfastened, so that cleavage can be distinguished from any distance.

Winter Uniform

The winter uniform consists of a long sleeve white shirt and tie with long grey pants for boys and a long grey kilt with long navy blue stockings for girls. For teachers, the winter uniform consists of a long face, as the weather causes them to mull around and wistfully reminisce about their university days, when they believed they “could have done anything”.

School Blazer

The Beaconhills blazer is navy blue with the College Crest embroidered in gold on the chest pocket. It was devised as an instrument of torture by the school’s founders. The school's staff are adept at "infiltration of the subconscious" for this reason also.

Introduction of iPads


An ideal tool of learning, tailored for educational environments

In 2011, the school's Headmaster, in yet another of their overseas junkets funded by the school, undertook studies into the use of iPads in the classroom. They concluded that the introduction of iPads to Beaconhills would be an effective way of generating publicity and manufacturing a public perception of the school as “modern”, “progressive” and “hip”. Thus the bed was made, so to speak, and the school’s students had to lie in it.

iPads were introduced to the College’s classroom at the beginning of 2012. In a thinly-veiled jibe directed towards the devices’ introduction, some of the school’s teachers touted the iPads’ usefulness as both a coaster and a frisbee. This kind of talk is now absent, as well as the teachers who it originated from, who left in early 2012 and have not been heard from since. When asked by the students about their whereabouts, the teachers mumble something about an ‘efficient unit’ before trailing off into incomprehensibility and walking away.

The Berwick Campus’ Senior School Captain wrote in the school’s edited quarterly propaganda rag “Lux Luceat” that the iPads were a major success, popular with students, parents and teachers, and that no one failed anything anymore and never will again.

Year 9 Program

Beaconhills College is noted for its Year 9 program, in which Year 9 students are situated in a separate building, and participate in a program "specifically tailored for Year 9 students..., accommodating the transitional stage of adolescence". For the school's Year 9 students, school life focuses less on academic pursuits and more on "engaging in a variety of learning opportunities"; i.e. taking part in excursions every Friday and slacking off, then "reflecting on" the experiences for the majority of the following week.

The concept for the school's Year 9 program came about when the school's Board arbitrarily decided that Year 9 students should be exempt from doing any work. Purportedly, the Year 9 program has been successful in contributing to a public perception of the school as “modern”, “progressive” and “hip”.

Pakenham Campus

The Pakenham Campus is home to Beaconhills’ first Year 9 Centre. Kept separate from the rest of the school due to the fear of jealous attacks on the Year Nines by Middle and Senior School students, it is the perfect environment for the Valley Campus’ Year Nines to study educationally dubious subjects like Multidisciplinary, Multimedia, Multinational Corporatising and "Infiltration of the Subconscious".

Berwick Campus

Berwick Campus’ new Year 9 Centre has recently been completed, much to the chagrin of Berwick Campus students, as the density of buildings on the campus had already reached a critical level. Delegates from the Pakenham Campus believe that their Berwick counterparts have somewhat missed the point of the Year 9 Program, when a night raid conducted on the Centre resulted in the discovery of twelve mathematics textbooks, three dictionaries and over one hundred writing implements.

Problems with the transition to Year 10

Detractors of the Year 9 Program have drawn attention to the high number of students dying of shock in the first few weeks of Year 10 as a result of the huge increase in workload. In response to these claims, Chairman Mao is reported to have “grinned, rubbed his hands together and chuckled to himself”.

See also

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