Bay City

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 15:46, April 19, 2010 by Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (talk | contribs)

(diff) ← Older revision | Latest revision (diff) | Newer revision → (diff)
Jump to: navigation, search

Bay City is a city in Michigan located on the Saginasty River near the base of the Saginasty Bay on Lake Huron. It started out under the control of the United States, passed into the hands of Hippies, and then back under the control of the United States.

edit History

Bay City was established in 1776 by drunken colonial revolutionaries who were fleeing from the British. The British caught up to them, but the colonials shared their beer, and the British got so drunk they didn't remember what they were there for. They were just so happy the colonials gave them beer. Today this is celebrated as Thanksgiving. Since then Bay City has had more bars than any other city in the world. Every block has its own bar.

Besides bars Bay City was known for being the most pleasant-smelling city in the world. But then in 1882 Madonna, the mother of Jesus came to Bay City and declared it was a smelly town. Thus commanded, God turned Bay City into the smelliest town in the world by summoning up sugar-beat factories, which grew up out of the ground from the depths of hell. Madonna didn't like what she had done to Bay City so she decided to move to Hollywood and start a career as a pop singer.

Prohibition was a total failure in Bay City. Nobody cared that beer was illegal. Every year people would gather it streets and chug down beer for a day until prohibition ended. When prohibition was repealed there was a party in the streets of Bay City that lasted for one year. It only ended when everyone ran out of beer money, which caused the Great Depression.

By the 1960s Bay City's terrible stench had driven out all conservative elements, and had attracted dirty Hippies who never liked to bathe. They wanted to come to Bay City because it smelled so much like themselves. The hippies quickly formed The Hippy Party and took over Bay City. They immediately legalized all drugs, and changed the city's anthem to "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds" and succeeded from the United States. This precipitated in the Bay City Civil War.

edit The Bay City Civil War

The Bay City Civil War, which lasted from 1967-1973 was fought between the Bay City Hippies, the United States, and giant pink elephants from Jupiter. The Hippies had succeeded from the United States. The Hippies were normally devoted to peace and love, but they chose to screw it, because someone told them war was peace. Because they were under the influence of LSD they believed him. It is believed that the Vietnam War, and the take over of the American government by Richard Nixon were other factors that lead to the uprising.

The Establishment that ran the United States thought they would win easily. Many people thought this establishment was run by Israel, but it was really run by the giant pink elephants from Jupiter. The establishment sent troops to take over Bay City. But millions of Americans refused to serve, instead moving to Canada, or joining the rebels. By 1969 the rebels had maintained control of Bay City and taken control of the entire lower peninsula of Michigan. The American government desperate for a solution dropped a chemical agent called Dioxin produced by Dow Chemical Corporation on Bay City to shock the Hippies into surrender. The pink elephants from Jupiter saw this as barbaric, and declared war on the United States as well as the hippies. In 1973 the Nixon regime was overthrown and was replaced by Michigan resident Gerald Ford. The Hippies had proven difficult to defeat though, so the pink elephants decided to give them Ann Arbor and Ypsilanti, which they hold to this day.

edit Post-War

After the war most of the Hippies moved to Ann Arbor and Ypsilanti, but some stayed in Bay City. Over time they turned away from their colorful clothing and started dressing in darker clothes. They became known as Goths. Eventually Goths would split into the Goths and Emos.

The Dioxin Dow had put in the Saginasty River had become unbareable. After the war it was declared unsafe for swimming. The people of Bay City had to build bridges in order to get across the river from then on. It took a few years. During this time the economy suffered.

People looked for someone to blame for the struggling economy. In 2001 a group of people lead by James Wickstrom created a group called Christian Identity. They invented a theory that blacks, Jews, Atheists, Mexicans, shellfish, Britney Spears, and Kangaroos were conspiring to hold back Bay City's economy. He based this belief on the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, a fraudulent documentary about how these groups of people plan on creating a city in space called Zion, and how they intend to conquer Earth using Gundams and liberate us from the false reality known as the Matrix.

James Wickstrom became so popular he was elected mayor in 2002. He began to execute his final solution when his furniture store, which had been his house was gutted by fire. This wouldn't have been a problem for James Wickstrom, but he had left his custome at home. It turned out he was really a giant pink elephant from Jupiter. The elephants were secretly trying to delay efforts to build bridges, so their favorite American town, Midland would get more business. They had chosen Midland as their favorite by throwing a dart at a map of the United States. First it landed on Bay City, but that was already taken by the Bay City Rollers, so they had to throw it again and it landed on Midland. James Wickstrom had been trying to distract the public's attention from the giant pink elephants. The public was outraged, and chased James Wickstrom from Bay City. He moved to Rhodes and started a radio talk-show, since nobody in Rhodes heard about him being a giant pink elephant as it is out in the middle of nowhere.

edit Culture

Bay City is known as the antique capital of the world. The antiques are so old people have died of West Nile after walking into a shop. West Nile is an ancient disease that was epidemic in the west part of the Nile in 3000 BC. It was long thought to have been extinct. Because it has been gone for so long doctors weren't sure how to treat it. Then they revived Cleopatra from her mummy tomb. She told them that the antiques were cursed and should be thrown into the West Nile to rid them of the curse. This turned out to be false, and only a plot by Cleopatra to take back her personal possessions and sell them on the black market in exchange for peanuts. The antiques spread across the world, and infected everyone with West Nile.

Bay city is also famous for its beer. Every year it holds the Bay City Pub Crawl, an event where people get so drunk they can't stand up, so they have to crawl from bar to bar. It is sponsored by Bert and Ernie. In 2003 t-shirts were sold showing the sponsors on the front. This caused a public outcry, since Bert and Ernie's privacy is now compromised, and they will not be able to go out in public annonymously anymore. After the incident they were always stormed with reporters and paparazzi. One night they were riding through Paris, because they wanted to set up a new chain of bars and coffeeshops. But the paparazzi chased them down and killed them with flashing cameras in a tunnel in order to sacrifice them for the annual corn harvest. This lead to a murder trial for the paparazzi that took place at the Bay County Courthouse. The paparazzi were all acquitted, because of Johnnie Cochran's famous "Chewbacca Defense".

edit The Hollows

The Hollows are a system of tunnels that run under Bay City and connect to Delta College. Officially built to protect people from nuclear bombs the Hollows were really connected as a sanctuary for crab people. In the 1960s there was a mall down there that was run by Queer Eye, a giant human eyeball. But at the end of the 60s it was discovered that Queer Eye was actually a crab person eye and the whole thing was a plot by the crab people to turn all human men into metrosexuals so they could take over the world. The Hollows are now empty except for a terrible beast. This beast is known to steal people's money and squirrel's acorns. Do not trust this beast. It tricks you out of your money. Run as fast as you can if you ever see this beast. The beast has large claws and red and geen spotted skin, but can change form, so beware when you talk to anybody in Bay City. It could be the beast.

edit Demographics

Personal tools
projects