From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
People's Republic of Beer and Oktoberfest
|Motto: '"Crapulam terribiliem habeo: Þynnkan skelfileg er." (Latin: "The hangover is terrible.")|
|Anthem: "In heaven there is no beer"|
|Capital||Toytown (also known as Munich).|
|Official language(s)||English with a Cherman and Finnish accent, something else utterly incomprehensible.|
|Government||Christian Democrats 1945 to 1998 Apres-Ski party 1998 to present|
|State Wizard||Benedict XVI|
|National hero(es)||Heidi Von Klummelberger, DJ Ötzi, Jesus, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Barbara Streisand and the Pope.|
|December 21st 2011 at 5 past 1 in the afternoon|
|Currency||Brezn(pretzels) and beer.|
|Religion||beer, Feminism, Spoon-satanism, Fork-godism,|
|Major exports||beer, Barbara Streisand, änd trees thät are made of vudd|
|Major imports||Americans, the British, |
|Monday–Saturday from 06:00-23:59, Friday is "one night stand" night|
Bavaria (known as Bayern) is a Royal country
in the south of Germany. The name Bayern is thought to come from 'FC Bayern' although the origins remain elusive. Bavaria is best known for things such as Purity, Beer, and Laws, The Sound of Music, and is also home to Gingerbread, Austria, and Barbra Streisand.
Traces of Germanic settlers date back to the end of the last Ice Age, around the time where the Great Beer Glaciers began to melt. The advance of the Romans was halted in 9 AD by the Bavarian tribes under the ruthless Chieftain Heidi Von Klummelberger at the battle of Gefühltestreusselschnecke in modern-day Wisconsin. Bavaria passed from ruler to ruler after the collapse of the Holy Roman Empire, the most prolific of which was Emperor von Dachshund, a short-legged, elongated individual from the Hund family. Bavaria was not politically unified until the 1870s, at which point it was ruled by Chancellor Wolfgang Petry. The Bavarian sub-region of Europe was accused of separatism in 1914-1918 and 1939-1945 and was subsequently handily defeated in both Wars. Modern Bavaria is characterized by rampant progress, catastrophically low inefficiency levels and reasonable commuting speeds.
Cultures of the region have been classified as primarily 'Hunting-Drinking' societies, although some scholars prefer to classify them as a 'Yodelling-Marching' society. Maybe one came from Finland, the yodeling marching society sounds like these Scandinavian Russian type people up there but they do like to hunt reindeer and drink Vodka, but they don't do it cool enough. Bavarians are regarded as proud, and they do not hesitate to impose their culture on you, a testament to their extreme generosity and concern for the well-being of others. The concept of 'Gemütlichkeit' (hospitality) is endemic to the part of the world, although in recent years has been emulated elsewhere, with little success. Homoeroticism is vigorously encouraged in all regions.
edit Biological and Ethnological Classification
Biologically speaking the Bavarians are classified as Homo Bavaricus, and inhabit the upper echelon of the food chain. Their only natural predators are Wolpertingers, Pterodactyls and Fear itself. Bavarians have been known to clash with a similar species, Homo Teutonicus (Prussians), often leading to brief periods of world domination and genetic purity. Bavarians are best distinguished by their ability to yodel and consume copious amounts of pretzels, and send them to George W Bush where he can choke on them, whereas Prussians are known for being able to screw in lightbulbs using five people instead of one. Prussians are really Finns in deguise. They were once a part of Russia you know. Much like Prussians, their diets consist mainly of cannonballs, steel, fermented vegetables, Jägermeister and the weak.
edit Major regions in Bavaria
There are three major regions in Bavaria. These are Mallorca, Oberammergau and Unterammergau. Historically, a fourth region existed (Gingerbreadhüttenstadt) until it was consumed by Hessian children who became lost and hungry. Bavarians pride themselves greatly for their heritage; they often dress in traditional fetish gear known as Trachten, which dates back to the first Lederspankenfest in 1020 AD, in the Alpine town of Futzen. Bavaria is home to a diverse geography. The North is characterized by absolutely nothing, whereas the South lays claim to the Gumdrop Forest, the Himalayas, and Lake Nicaragua which the Eastern Bloc is where Osama Bin Laden used to hide.
Politics in Bavaria is dominated by three leading parties, the Orthodox Beer Drinkin Catholics (CSU, the big-titted sisters of the all-Cherman CDU), the Beer Pong, and the Apres-ski Party. Tensions between both parties remain high and are a source of much debate among Bavarian wizards and brewmeisters.
Contrary to common belief, Bavarians are far from brewing the best German beer. In fact, it is believed that Bavarian breweries ceased making their own beer altogether a long time ago, and instead secretly buy vast quantities of the more tasty Northern German beer varieties on the black market, which are then transformed into "Bavarian" beer by means of a process which involves diluting it with water, adding dishwasher liquid, and having old people bathe their feet in it before it is bottled and labeled as any of the well-known Bavarian beer brands.
In spite of this, Bavarians still believe that they brew the best beer in the world. Even their oldest law still in effect is about beer (which the modern-day beermaking process clearly violates). They sing about beer in church. Half of these Lutheran Catholic hymns are drinking songs. Seriously, look it up.
This given, beer is not only a significant economic factor, but also serves as the main religion in Bavaria. Insulting Bavarian beer is the only offence which carries the death penalty nowadays.
Tourism is a major industry in Bavaria. Millions of tourists flock to Bavaria every year to see Castle Neuschwanstein, the Himalayas, the Oktoberfest and the Berlin Wall. Bavaria is also home to the Naked Olympics, Naked Special Olympics and Naked World Domination events. Bavarians are some of the world's most avid tourists, making frequent excursions into Poland, France, Russia, Eastern Europe.
Bavarian restaurants are noted for their authenticity and repetitive traditions, especially those done to accordion music. Such traditions recognise the regional traits of Bavaria. Commonly mentioned traits include: not being in Venezuela, mountains that stick out of the ground, trees made of wood, and sheep that "seldom wear spectacles". Because of this, some speculate that Bavaria is the birthplace of Captain Obvious, but they are clearly mistaken.
Many foreigners inhabit Bavaria, most of them Turks, Finns, French, Swedes, Italians, and Chinese, along with illegal Mexican immigrants whose recent political situation have led to instability on the German-Chinese border and civil unrest in major Bavarian cities.
edit The Bavarian Bullfrog
The Bavarian Bullfrog is one of the native inhabitants of the black forest. It is a large 2 feet long frog that sit in groups and have that unique crock that sound like this: "BUD WEIS ER BUD WEIS ER". Even the native animals like beer.
edit Kim Jung Ill
He originated from Bavaria as one of these Chinese guys and he was best buds with Hitler and Stalin. They created a gang and while both Hitler and Stalin died, the regime was sent to Osama Bin Laden who hid in one of the holes here. While Osame Bin Laden wasn't running the Taliban in North Korea, Kim Jun Il runs the Talibans and makes everyone eat tree bark, because we are sacred Bavrian creatures and it is unholy to have any freedom because we got that from Adam and Eve. But he did advertise a beer commercial and it is Bavarian beer of course. Important Bavarians include Heidi Von Klummelberger, DJ Ötzi, Jesus, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Barbara Streisand and Milli Vanilli.
edit Comparisons to Finns
Bavarian women are as hot as Finnish saunas, and as alcohol-filled.
edit See also
- Western Bavaria
- German language
- Barbara Streisand
- Berlin Wall
- Umlaut monster
- Checkpoint Charlie