Bavaria

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
      Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Beer?
Bayern
People's Republic of Beer and Oktoberfest
Bingeland
Ub img event wiesn warmup 05.jpg Sc.jpg
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "Crapulam terribiliem habeo: Þynnkan skelfileg er." (Latin: "The hangover is terrible.")
Anthem: "In heaven there is no beer"
Bayern.JPG
Capital Toytown (also known as Munich).
Largest city Hintertupfing
Official language(s) English with a German and Finnish accent, something else utterly incomprehensible.
Government Christian Democrats 1945 to 1998 Apres-Ski party 1998 to present
‑ State Wizard Benedict XVI
National Hero(es) Heidi Von Klummelberger, DJ Ötzi, Jesus, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Barbara Streisand and the Pope.
Declaration
 of Independence		 December 21st 2011 at 5 past 1 in the afternoon
Currency Brezn(pretzels) and beer.
Religion beer, Feminism, Spoon-satanism, Fork-godism,
Major exports beer, Barbara Streisand, änd trees thät are made of vudd
Major imports Americans, the British, Prussians FUCK OFF TO NORTHERN GERMANY YOU SAUPREISSN YOU ELENDIGE
Opening hours Monday–Saturday from 06:00-23:59, Friday is "one night stand" night
“"I live in a giant beer glass," said the young boy”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bavaria
“The Rebel base must be here”
~ Darth Vader on Bavaria
“They sure like beer here!”
“Thats where I got the pretzel I choked on”
“Bud-Weis-ER!! Bud Weis ER!!!”
~ Bavarian Bullfrogs
“I thought we are the drunks and have the forests”
~ Finn


“What's beer?!”
“Can I have some money daddy? I'm just buying a Bavaria”
“Some say BMW can produce quadbikes so tough, they invaded France? The cars being produced today are just like dodgems with no real backseats. And why did Himmler never know, that exhaust equals carbonmonoxide? And why did he speak a strange form of German? All I know, is that Bavaria lacks it all ”
~ Jeremy Clarkson, who then claimed that carbonmonoxide does not come from exhaust. So much for global warming.
“Ïch bïn ëin Bëiër, ünd Ïch sprëche urdentlich Döütsch!!”
~ Himmler providing a counterblaste to Clarkson's highly erenous remarks
Bouncywikilogo7.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Bavaria.
Bavarian resident Louis Van Gaal defending himself after being invaded by city of Milan in May 2010. Milan used little kids as soldiers.

Bavaria (known as Bayern) is a Royal country to the South of Germany. The name Bayern is thought to come from 'FC Bayern' although the origins remain elusive. Bavaria is best known for things such as Purity, Beer, and Laws, The Sound of Music, and is also home to Gingerbread, Austria, and Barbra Streisand.

Contents

edit History

Traces of Germanic settlers date back to the end of the last Ice Age, around the time where the Great Beer Glaciers began to melt. The advance of the Romans was halted in 9 AD by the Bavarian tribes under the ruthless Chieftain Heidi Von Klummelberger at the battle of Gefühltestreusselschnecke in modern-day Wisconsin. Bavaria passed from ruler to ruler after the collapse of the Holy Roman Empire, the most prolific of which was Emperor von Dachshund, a short-legged, elongated individual from the Hund family. Bavaria was not politically unified until the 1870s, at which point it was ruled by Chancellor Wolfgang Petry. The Bavarian sub-region of Europe was accused of separatism in 1914-1918 and 1939-1945 and was subsequently handily defeated in both Wars. Modern Bavaria is characterized by rampant progress and catastrophically low inefficiency levels.

edit Culture

Cultures of the region have been classified as primarily 'Hunting-Drinking' societies, although some scholars prefer to classify them as a 'Yodelling-Marching' society. Maybe one came from Finland, the yodeling marching society sounds like these Scandinavian Russian type people up there but they do like to hunt reindeer and drink Vodka, but they don't do it cool enough. Bavarians are regarded as proud, and they do not hesitate to impose their culture on you, a testament to their extreme generosity and concern for the well-being of others. The concept of 'Gemütlichkeit' (hospitality) is endemic to the part of the world, although in recent years has been emulated elsewhere, with little success. Homoeroticism is vigorously encouraged in all regions.

edit Biological and Ethnological Classification

Biologically speaking the Bavarians are classified as Homo Bavaricus, and inhabit the upper echelon of the food chain. Their only natural predators are Wolpertingers, Pterodactyls and Fear itself. Bavarians have been known to clash with a similar species, Homo Teutonicus (Prussians), often leading to brief periods of world domination and genetic purity. Bavarians are best distinguished by their ability to yodel and consume copious amounts of pretzels, and send them to George W Bush where he can choke on them, whereas Prussians are known for being able to screw in lightbulbs using five people instead of one. Prussians are really Finns in deguise. They were once a part of Russia you know. Much like Prussians, their diets consist mainly of cannonballs, steel, fermented vegetables, Jägermeister and the weak.

edit Major regions in Bavaria

The former region of Gingerbreadhüttenstadt until it was destroyed by two greedy Hessians.

There are three major regions in Bavaria. These are Mallorca, Oberammergau and Unterammergau. Historically, a fourth region existed (Gingerbreadhüttenstadt) until it was consumed by Hessian children who became lost and hungry. Bavarians pride themselves greatly for their heritage; they often dress in traditional fetish gear known as Trachten, which dates back to the first Lederspankenfest in 1020 AD, in the Alpine town of Futzen. Bavaria is home to a diverse geography. The North is characterized by absolutely nothing, whereas the South lays claim to the Gumdrop Forest, the Himalayas, and Lake Nicaragua which the Eastern Bloc is where Osama Bin Laden hides.

edit Politics

Politics in Bavaria is dominated by two leading parties, the Christian Democrats, Orthodox Beer Drinkin Catholics, Beer Pong, and the Apres-ski Party. Tensions between both parties remain high and are a source of much debate among Bavarian wizards and brewmeisters.

edit Economy

edit Beer

Contrary to common belief, Bavarians are far from brewing the best German beer. In fact, it is believed that Bavarian breweries ceased making their own beer altogether a long time ago, and instead secretly buy vast quantities of the more tasty Northern German beer varieties on the black market, which are then transformed into "Bavarian" beer by means of a process which involves diluting it with water, adding dishwasher liquid, and having old people bathe their feet in it before it is bottled and labeled as any of the well-known Bavarian beer brands.

In spite of this, Bavarians still believe that they brew the best beer in the world. Even their oldest law still in effect is about beer (which the modern-day beermaking process clearly violates). They sing about beer in church. Half of these Lutheran Catholic hymns are drinking songs. Seriously, look it up.

This given, beer is not only a significant economic factor, but also serves as the main religion in Bavaria. Insulting Bavarian beer is the only offence which carries the death penalty nowadays.

edit Tourism

Tourism is a major industry in Bavaria. Millions of tourists flock to Bavaria every year to see Castle Neuschwanstein, the Himalayas, the Oktoberfest and the Berlin Wall. Bavaria is also home to the Naked Olympics, Naked Special Olympics and Naked World Domination events. Bavarians are some of the world's most avid tourists, making frequent excursions into Poland, France, Russia, Eastern Europe.

Bavarian restaurants are noted for their authenticity and repetitive traditions, especially those done to accordion music. Such traditions recognise the regional traits of Bavaria. Commonly mentioned traits include: not being in Venezuela, mountains that stick out of the ground, trees made of wood, and sheep that "seldom wear spectacles". Because of this, some speculate that Bavaria is the birthplace of Captain Obvious, but they are clearly mistaken.

Many foreigners inhabit Bavaria, most of them Turks, Finns, French, Swedes, Italians, and Chinese, along with illegal Mexican immigrants whose recent political situation have led to instability on the German-Chinese border and civil unrest in major Bavarian cities.

edit The Bavarian Bullfrog

The Bavarian Bullfrog is one of the native inhabitants of the black forest. It is a large 2 feet long frog that sit in groups and have that unique crock that sound like this: "BUD WEIS ER BUD WEIS ER". Even the native animals like beer.

edit Kim Jung Ill

He originated from Bavaria as one of these Chinese guys and he was best buds with Hitler and Stalin. They created a gang and while both Hitler and Stalin died, the regime was sent to Osama Bin Laden who hid in one of the holes here. While Osame Bin Laden wasn't running the Taliban in North Korea, Kim Jun Il runs the Talibans and makes everyone eat tree bark, because we are sacred Bavrian creatures and it is unholy to have any freedom because we got that from Adam and Eve. But he did advertise a beer commercial and it is Bavarian beer of course. Important Bavarians include Heidi Von Klummelberger, DJ Ötzi, Jesus, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Barbara Streisand and Milli Vanilli.

edit Comparisons to Finlanders

They drink better than these Finns They hate saunas. We know something hotter than saunas. We know about the endless forests. It is the Black Forest. We can yodel and ski better than you guys. We kick your asses in Hockey We drink better than you We look better Nekkid We swear better than you You think we are a part of Russia We run away from more bears than you


edit See also

edit Do NOT see

Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Bavaria"
Personal tools
projects
Stillwaters chronarion.org