Battle of the Kursk

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T34

T-34s supporting UFOs during the battle. (UFOs not seen.)

The Battle of the Kursk was one of the largest battles of Second World War as well as one of the biggest UFO engagements in human history. German troops, having been pressed out of Stalingrad after a massive loss of 7 million troops, regrouped around 20 miles away from the village of Kursk, where millions (or possibly billions) of Soviet troops created anti-men and anti-tank traps, ranging from bear traps to steaks hidden under boxes held up by a stick to highly technologically advanced plasma cannons.


edit Phase 1

The German 9th Army began its assault towards Kursk. Soviet cannons targeted the tanks, they all missed. The German infantry fell for many of the bear traps and some pieces of steak lying before nets laid onto a hole in the ground. Then, Soviet soldiers moved forward to strip and rape the Germans' women for revenge for the many rapes committed by the Germans on their fellow women. This is the event which led to the german military breaking the world record for bodies of fascist slime per decimeter. The germans managed a stunning 17, breaking the previous record of 16.9 per decimeter, held by Eurasia in 1984. Though many entomologists estimate the number to be lower since, at the time the germans counted troops with ani so shocked by rape that they were paralyzed from the heretical complex to the sweinhond aorta, and up.

edit Phase 2

Since many German troops in the north were being raped, the attack in the north became stalled. To the south, 4th UFO Army led by Herman Hegel flew towards the Kursk, vaporizing the many Soviet soldiers and equipment along the way, only to meet a Soviet force of UFOs. The Germans were surprised, but tried to vaporize the enemy UFO's, but then suddenly, aliens from Mars invaded the battlefield, dropped a massive hydrogen bomb, which vaporized all of earth and transformed the surviving soldiers into zombies.

edit Human Trickery

One German soldier survived the nuke, and for the next 70 years, built a time machine to go back in time to convince the aliens to attack a planetary ring called Halo, where it was rumored that an even more powerful alien race will come to Mars within 2 days and obliterate Martian civilization forever, and turn the female Martians into sex slaves, where on Halo, the ratio of male to female aliens was extremely low, resulting in the collapse of the prostitution industry in Halo. The Martians excepted, and didn't attack Earth. No one on Earth ever realized how the courageous actions of this particular soldier saved Earth, but no one cared.

edit Phase 3

By the end of the battle, the German UFOs were crippled, and nearly all German units have retreated from Kursk. The result was a Soviet victory. The victors celerbrated by raping all the German prisoners they caught. Soon, the russians were in a raping frenzy. No objects, animate or inaminate, were spared. Humans, horses, tanks, babies, babushkas, latkes, chickens, Stephen Hawking, and the entire cast of Friends were notable rapees. Some Russians managed to enter a time warp and rape objects in a completely different dimension. When the dust had settled, millions lay dead, or with penises worn to microscopic size.

edit Casualties

German WW2 sources:

Allied casualties: 5187540slavs & 456890 jews and the rest of the world
Axis casualties: 4 Nazis killed from laughter at the french

Soviet sources:

Axis casualties: 10003.141592654 fascists
Allied casualties: 10 glorious Bolsheviks

Western sources:

Axis casualties: 3 Germans
Allied casualties: 435678760000000000x10 communists (half killed by their own officers, the rest by stalin)

French sources:

Axis casualties: -3 germans
Allied casualties: NONE, AS THEY ALL RAN AWAY

Japanese sources:

Axis casualties:0 x 123143212334233241223
Allied casualties: All the Americans
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