Battle of the Alamo
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== Do not use this page for it has false infortmation on the battle == thankyou
“You want it? Take it, actually you have to come through us and then you can have it”
~ C Dub on the Alamo
“ This should be easy.”
~ American soldier on The Alamo
“ When I saw all them Mexicans with ladders I just thought they were roofers coming to fix the leaks.”
~ Jim Bowie on The Alamo
| Battle of the Alamo | |||||||
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Part of The Communazi Invasion of North America
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| Combatants | |||||||
 Freedomland, baby
|  Communist Army
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| Commanders | |||||||
| George Washington
Haldir of Lothlorien
| Kyle, Lord of Communists
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| Strength | |||||||
| 1,135
300 Spartans | 300,000,000.5 Communists and Mexicans
31 Kittens | ||||||
| Casualties | |||||||
| 1,132
299 Spartans | 201,000,000 Communists and Mexicans
1/2 of Chuck Norris 32 Kittens 1 Random Photographer | ||||||
"Remember the Alamo?" 1983, good year. Good year indeed. It's the year that Elmo, Davy "Raging Boner" Crockett, David Bowie, George Washington, and George W. Bush with all their friends took up arms and defended the Alamo about a mile away from New York City, Montana from an army of about 300,000,000 Communists, Mexicans, and, of course, your typical UFO attackers.
Contents |
[edit] The Battle Begins
It all started on April 45, 3011, when George Washington was making a bologna sandwich. Then, all of a sudden, Elmo came riding into the Alamo on Barney the dinosaur yelling "The Communists are Coming! The Communists are coming!" Then, Elmo and Barney got into the Canadian courthouse known as the Alamo and Elmo went to General Washington. Then, Barney was shot by an arrow that just randomly came out of the sky and hit any random place.
Then, Davy poop Crockett started doing his math homework, even though he was 40 years old and didn't go to school anymore. "How many of them are there?" Washington asked Elmo "oh only about 300,000,000.5!" Elmo said. "300,000,000.5?!" Washington exclaimed, "we only have about 128 men! Are reinforcements coming?" "Butterflies are psychic!" Elmo answered. "Oh no, a bad omen!" Washington said. "What?" Elmo asked. "I like to eat balloons!" Washington answered.
[edit] Entrance
"Here they come!" a soldier said. "To arms!" Washington ordered. "Not the Communists!" the soldier said, "the elves!" "The elves! Wait, the elves?" Crockett said. "I didn't know that this is Lord of the Ringsish, wait it's not! This isn't Middle-Earth, this is Montana!" "The force is strong with this one!" Darth Vader said as he walked into the Canadian Courthouse known as the Alamo.
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Then, the elves, led by Haldir of Lothlorien, entered the Alamo, and stood at attention. "An alliance, between men and elves, once existed and blah, blah blah blah blah, can we help?" Haldir said. "Well, you're in the wrong story, but who cares? We could use all the help we can get!" Washington said as he shook Haldir's hand. "Technically pal, you're in the wrong story too!" he whispered to Washington. "But who cares?" Haldir asked and then put his hands on Washington's shoulders and said "we are proud to fight alongside men once more!"
The elves had about 1000 troops, almost ten times the amount of men! All the elves were given muskets, and were quickly taught how to fire accurately and reload as quick as possible. Then, all of the troops were just waiting for the Communists and Mexicans to come (again being racist). Finally, at about 6:00 a.m. on April 33, 1983, the Communists and Mexicans were sighted on the horizon, the Battle of the Alamo was about to begin. then they got there ipods out and started to rap. but they were white so they could not rap.
[edit] Shortly After
Then, about 15 minutes later, the Communists and Mexicans (notice how I put Communists in front of Mexicans this time to prove that I'm racist) were ready to attack. Both armies just stared at each other for about 5 minutes. Then, Barney went out onto the battlefield, in front of the Communist and Mexican lines, and started dancing and singing "I hate Communists and Mexicans! Mexicans and Communists hate me! We ain't no big family! With a great big mine and a cannon shell from me too you, won't you say you hate me too!" over and over again and yes, he survived the arrow falling thing!
Soon, a Communist soldier got really annoyed by Barney, and shot him with his musket, and Barney fell down dead. Then, all of the defenders of the Alamo fired their muskets and cannons and stuff at the enemy army, the battle had officially begun. "Elves, to the gate!" Washington ordered, and all of the elves, except those that were on the wall, ran for the gate. The Communists and Mexicans were firing at the defenders on the wall.
Then, about a minute or two after the first shots were fired, the Leader of the Communists, Kyle Sprowl, got an idea. "General, sir" a Mexican soldier said to him "shouldn't we attack the gate and then go in and destroy the enemy?" "Whatever you're smoking, it must be good!" Kyle responded. "Actually it is good, it's a Cuban cigar!" the Mexican soldier said. "Right!" Kyle responded. "Wait a minute!" Kyle said, "if we attack the gate, our numbers will overwhelm and destroy the enemy! Why didn't I think of that before! You see, there's a reason that I'm a general, because I always get good, smart ideas!" Too bad it's never true! Sorry, you would have to know him to get it.
[edit] Communists and Mexicans
Anyway, back to our history lesson. So, the Communists and Mexicans charged at the gate with every soldier they had, well, after the Communist artillery destroyed the gate, that is. The elves fired a volley of musket fire, and then drew their swords and charged. The elves would hold the enemy all through the night!
The next morning, May 1, the Communists and Mexicans tried again. This time, they had Chuck Norris and also, the Mexicans attacked the gate, and the Communists hired ladders at the wall and started climbing. When one Communist soldier was about to step onto the wall, General Washington threw his bologna sandwich at him, and then pushed down the ladder. When the ladder had hit the ground, Washington shouted "and you can keep the sandwich, I can make another one!"
The Communist ladders were all pushed down, and very few Communists got onto the wall, and they all were thrown right off again, literally! Soon, the Communists hired their ladders and stubbornly tried again, with the same results, Washington losing another bologna sandwich, and no Communists getting onto the wall. While the Mexicans and Communists were trying to get on the wall, Chuck Norris noticed that George Washington had been losing a lot of bologna sandwiches, he felt very bad so he made a special bologna sandwich just for George Washington. After doing so, Chuck said to George, "Hey Washington, catch!" to which George Washington replied to with a, "huh?" and ultimately got hit in the eye with Chuck Norris' sandwich. Don't worry, he survives.
[edit] Fate of the Elves
alll monkeys love to have butt sex Vader slowly walked up to the gate. The elves fell back. The Mexicans, rather then chase after them which they were about to do, stopped right in their tracks as they looked Darth Vader straight into the helmet, and Vader straight into the eyes of the Mexicans. One Mexican lowered his bayonet, and charged at Vader. Vader, without even getting out his lightsaber, put up his arm, and chocked the Mexican with the force.
Then, Vader called one of the Mexicans to him, so, not thinking, the Mexican soldier went to him. Vader whispered in his ear "hey, buddy, I know where your wife and kids are!" "Really!? Where?" the Mexican said. Then, Vader stabbed him right in the gut with his lightsaber.
As the Mexican was dying on the ground, all of the Mexicans charged at Vader. "Wait a minute, I'm single and don't have any kids!" the Mexican that Vader stabbed in the gut said, and then he died. All of the Mexicans that charged at Vader were killed, because there's only two creatures in the entire universe that can kill Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker and Chuck Norris! No offense Yoda, but you just can’t beat Darth Vader, unless you’re name is Luke Skywalker or Chuck Norris! As all the Mexicans were dying on the ground, Darth Vader was too distracted to notice that Chuck Norris is creeping up behind him. Chuck Norris then uses his ultimate power of the one millimeter finger tap, and taps Darth Vader on the shoulder, causing Darth Vader to explode, thus ending his life, sorry Vader, but you know that you have to avoid Chuck Norris, and Luke Skywalker. But then, when Vader blew up, his lightsaber flew into the air and sliced Chuck Norris in half. Chuck Norris survived obviously, HE'S CHUCK NORRIS FOR GOD'S SAKE!
[edit] Japanese
Then, Japanese aircraft came and bombed the Alamo. "It's Pearl Harbor all over again!" Davy Crockett said as the Japanese bombed. Later, the Japanese came for wave 2, this time bombing the Communists and Mexicans. Even more later, the Japanese bombed again, only half bombed the defenders of the alamo, the other half bombed the Communists. Even more more later, the Japanese bombed again, only this time, they were bombing themselves. "They just can't make up their mind!" Elmo shouted.
The Communists kept trying the ladders, and kept failing. The Mexicans just couldn't defeat Darth Vader (whos dead obliterated body was bombed by the Japanese and resurrected some how) and the elves which had regrouped and helped Vader. By the end of the day, nearly 100,000 Mexicans and Communists had died in two days, most of them were Mexicans, versus not even 30 men and 111 elven casualties.
Day after day the Communists and Mexicans had attacked, and day after day they gained no ground and the Americans and Elves barely suffered any casualties, especially the Americans. After two months of battle, nearly 200,000,000 Communists and Mexicans had died. Finally, after two long months of battle, some Communists attacked the back gate of the stronghold, and about 200 elves were ordered to hold of nearly 1,000,000 Communist soldiers.
At about noon of the 792th day of battle, the Communists breeched the gate, and all of the Communists and Mexicans entered the Alamo. The men and elves and Sith Lords and Elmoes all fought as hard as they could, but in the end, there were only three survivors, other then the Communists and Mexicans which had about 99,000,000 survivors. Those three survivors were Haldir, Darth Vader, and Elmo. Then they illiegally immagrated to the USA and own all the lawn mowering services (The Mexicans).
[edit] AfterMath
Haldir would be sent back to Middle Earth after the battle, and would be killed during the Battle of Helm's Deep. Darth Vader would be sent back to the Star Wars galaxy, where he would die when Luke Skywalker removed his mask. After the battle, Elmo would go into show biz, and would be the star of one of the greatest TV shows ever, the Andy Griffith Show just kidding! He really starred in Sesame Street. Nobody would know of his heroic acts at the Alamo, except him and Chuck Norris.
The Alamo was afterwards used as a battle cry to inspire Texans to fight harder in combat. The often quoted "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!!!!" is still yelled by Texans to this very day. This has led scientist to speculate that in fact all Texans have descended from Spartans.
