Battle of Waterloo

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L-R: Napoleon (France), Wellington (Allied Cocktail), Blucher (Prussian Fetish) and Agnetha Faltskog (Swedish Euro pop), the leaders of their respective armies. Footwear was also involved.

"Waterloo - I was defeated, you won the war, Waterloo - promise to love you for ever more, Waterloo - couldn’t escape if I wanted to, Waterloo - knowing my fate is to be with you, Waterloo - finally facing my waterloo"

~Napoleon on the Battle of Waterloo
“You take my life but i take yours too... You fire your french mosquet but i run you through... There's a human wave on the other side of the wall, {insert random cliche}”


The Battle of Waterloo is considered in Britain as they greatest victory over the French since the Battle of Agincourt and the time Winston Churchill gave Charles de Gaulle an exploding cigar in 1940. It marked the permanent retirement of Napoleon Bonaparte from European politics but not Eurovision as he was discover when ABBA rubbed his Corsican nose with their hit song Waterloo in 1974. By contrast the victorious Duke of Wellington received money, expensive dinner plates and uniforms from aristocratic admirers. This was unfair to the Prussians and their general Blucher who had turned up late and had given the French a thorough kicking as they lay prone in the dust. However, since Blucher was senile, mad and demented, the old idiot was ignored and died shortly after the battle. Wellington had no need to share the glory.

Prelude to the Battle

In 1814, Napoleon had resigned and had been bribed to stop fighting by receiving the tiny island of Elba to run like a private estate. For a man who had travelled around Europe with a huge posse of friends (otherwise known as his armies), this was like cutting his legs off. Napoleon stuck it for about a year but then slipped back to France. The restored French king Louis XVIII sent an army to 'arrest' Napoleon but they changed sides once they caught sight of 'the little corporal' relieving himself against a tree. Napoleon was carried in triumph to Paris. When he received the news, King Louis cancelled the milk deliveries and left for London on the next cross channel ferry.

Declaring he was now an Emperor of Peace, Napoleon said he would send his armies on a good will tour of all the countries they visited a few years previously. The Allies declared Napoleon a 'beast' and went into overdrive to urge everyone to unite against Napoleon.

The Battle Begins

A little after two, Wellington had just finished lunch, on the 18th June 1815 when Napoleon launched an attack on Hougomont Farm. Wellington, who had intended riding down and purchasing some sausages and cheese was incensed. Shifting his attention to the nearby farm of La Haye Sainte, which had a good reputation locally for it homemade wine, Wellington found French Cavalry had already taken the supply.

Miffed to the point of using bad language (French) Wellington ordered his battalions on either flank to take the farms at all cost. Napoleon, who had spent most of the afternoon talking to himself, saw his chance, and ordered his Old Guard to attack down the center as he Kung Fu chopped his mom. Wellingtons army was in turmoil, and defeat was certain, until, by chance, one of the attackers remembered they were French and the whole army turned as one, in a tactical redeployment in the opposite direction, as quickly as possible.

Fucked up waterloo

When someone fucked up with history

Caco (4)

The Battle of Waterloo

Meanwhile, as the allied armies fell back over to a field to form squares, Marshal Ney attempted to do banzai (with cavalry) whilst Grouchy spent most the early evening Mastrubating behind a tree. The Netherland's only actual involvement (as well as that of Brunswick and Nassau) was to fill in for Britain during Hourly tea breaks. Prussia, meanwhile showed up six hours late for battle and began fighting in the village of Plancenoit. They spent most of the day fighting the imperial (old) guard, a very small troop composed of old man who were hopelessly outnumbered compared to the Prussians, yet it took them almost the whole battle to take it from the elderly Frenchmen. But Prussia is still very proud of the victory and like to claim that waterloo was a Prussian, and Prussian only, victory. And indeed it was. I mean come on, who else in history could capture a small shit village in the middle of nowhere (I.E Belgium) from a tiny group of old men with no cavalry and very little artillery in a matter of five hours. An incredible miltary victory! But it dosn't end their for Prussia, no, they were able to pursue the French after the battle. Who were all wounded and had surrendered anyway, so it was kind of pointless. But what you must remember for this was that in the 1800's, Prussia was irritatingly obsessed with war, but shit at it.

With a shout of "La garde receuil! La Garde est un baguette!" (The Guards retreat, the Guard is a baguette!) Wellington rushed to the farms to secure a goodly supply of tucker.

Aftermath of the Battle

Napoleon was banished to St Helena, whilst Wellington and the troops enjoyed a slap up meal at the expense of the Frenchies. Hurrah! Sadly the battle continues to this day along the borders of Onatario and Quebec between ben harper and jean pi'erre raffareanuaux.

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