Battle of Trafalgar
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The Battle of Trafalgar was a battle in which a combined Swedish-Dutch-French-Belgian-Ukrainian fleet was defeated by a Rito masquerading as a British fleet the Groove Armada.
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[edit] Origins
Prior to the battle, the leader of the confederation of Allied Nations, Napoleon W. Bonaparte told the British “Are You Ready”, to which the Britons answered “Shoot To Thrill”. This dirty talkin´ did deteriorate relations and escalate international tension, but not to armed conflict. Ignoring wise advise George XVII King of England told Napoleon W. Bonaparte “invade me if you dare”, and thus war broke up. Napoleon assembled the largest fleet the world has ever seen by invoking every ship in every nation under his command. He called this fleet “The Fleet of the Allied Nations”. The overall commander of the Fleet of the Allied Nations was the Errant Dutchman who agreed, after some Moneytalks with the British Admiralship, to lead his force directly into a death trap prepared beforehand by the British.
The Naval Battle of Trafalgar was fought in 1805 A.D. The war was fought at sea (and not at Trafalgar Square, as some morons still write in their college entrance exam papers) The battle is touted as a game of Chess played on waters. The Battle was not, however fought anywhere near Trafalgar. It was generally agreed that it would be fought off the coast of Flavor Country.
Despite the above aforementioned factual myth, there is still not a single Video Game in the market on this famous Naval fistfight. In fact when you can have a brutal $10000 Graphic Card requiring game about a stupid war which occurred only in the gory dreams of a pre-nursery infant sleeping through Grandma's boring bedtime stories... not a single animation slide is ever related to this piece of important historical event. The issue still holds a potential to generate a mass strike.
[edit] The Battle
The Battle of Trafalgar was the second greatest navy naval battle in history, ironically it took place in the middle of a large city. Cap'n Crunch, leading the British fleet, crushed the allied fleets of France, Netherlands, Sweden and Ukraine. Contrary to popular belief, the Ottoman Empire was not responsible for the defeat of the allies since it did not yet exist. This epic battle took place sometime between 29 October 1644 and 21 July 1944 north-west of the island of Texas, now part of Mexico, in Rohan. The battle began when Monica Lewinsky blew Bill Clinton a kiss, when Mr. Crunch caught them watching his copy of Battlefield Earth.
[edit] The Allied Forces
The Swedes had 16 ships with 392 guns, the French had 2 ships with 1,392 guns, the Dutch had 210 ships with 210 guns and the Ukrainians had no ships at all so they had to swim (making a total of 397 ships with 8,075 guns), there was also troop of R.I.R.A men there with rifles, but they were just there for the craic, and blood revenge. The primary weapons of the allies were some cheap and outdated T.N.T. bombs. Also, the Allied nations brought in the most venerable pirate captain of the west, Johnny Dep, so he could lose his ship in some funny way, like forgetting to bring anything but bananas as weapons, and make the British troops laugh so hard their stomachs ached.
[edit] The British Forces
The British had only 17 ships with 448 guns each, but superior seamanship and an unknown young Rear Admiral by the name of Sir.Chuck Norris was on their side. Also to note that the British used for the first time the Heatseeker muskets, which were a decisive factor to their victory, and a complete surprise to the allies. Unfortunately several Jailbreaks have been possible thanks to this deadly weapon.
[edit] The Battle Begins/For Those About To Rock
Prior to the Battle, Captain Crunch delivered his famous speech: “for those about to rock, we salute you” unfortunately nothing else is left of this speech. Legend says English sailors answered Crunch’s empowering speech by promising to Rock Their Hearts Out, fight to the death or die for their country, or whatever came first. The battle started at 6:15 with some minor exchange of cannon fire from the ship’s broadsides. By 7:12 the French Fleet had fled away and so much smoke covered the area that no one is sure of what was happening. Also is rumored that at this precise moment occurred the appearance of the Greek surface navy, however, since Trafalgar was a submarine battle, the Greeks could not participate.
[edit] The Battle Ends/The sinking of the Nieuw Vlissingsen Imkarnatuxeer
Although Trafalgar was a Poundcake for the British for having Chuck Norris on their side, by 9:21 the Errant Dutchman sounded Hells Bells precisely on time saving with an unorthodox/classical withdrawal maneuver all but one of the Dutch Navy’s ships: the “Nieuw Vlissingsen Imkarnatuxeer”, for which the Dutch still cry every August 3rd. For this genial withdrawal maneuver, the Errant Dutchman was declared “Sexiest man alive in the whole universe” by Teen Magazine in 1921. Tragically, by 9:56 Crunch was Thunderstruck during the battle while Paris Hilton Got Him by the Balls with a Razor’s Edge. The High Voltage of the Thunderstruck in The Razor’s Edge was the first time electricity was measured, since Crunch had Benjamin Franklin´s kite tied to his dick. Crunch died immediately, and is buried in Westminster Abbey. His balls are buried next to him and his soul is still traveling through the Highway to Hell that all sailors must travel through before ascending to heaven. To the British people he is the greatest hero-sailor in the world, and also the most decorated officer in the British Navy since he posthumously got three Victoria Crosses.
[edit] The Battle Scene
[edit] Phase I
The war was fought between The English and French Fleets. It kicked off with a ramp parade of all the male attendants on the ships, followed by the female attendants. To impart fair and just decisions, French judges were appointed, who immediately rewarded the victory to England. To the horror of French, it was later learnt that for the first time judges had seen "new and fresh" pieces of beauty outside Paris. The secret was that, English ladies remained more covered in cloths than French beauties, and thus had more white, glowing and untanned skin, once they actually stripped down for the swimming costume round.
[edit] Phase II
Second phase saw fire-fighting with cannons shelling heavily from both sides. The atmosphere was so charged that the Englishmen started to join their guns, by farting in the direction of French. Weather too helped, as Westerlies blowing at that time, didn't miss even a milligram of Royal fart-fragrance while breezing it evenly over the French Fleets.
This resulted in huge casualties, as few frenchmen were supposed to have died on the spot after inhaling noxious stale-bread, stale-egg fumes, rendered more fatal by coming out of pee-soaked underwears of the english seamen.
French Side lead by Admiral Villeneuve (adoringly called Admiral V. (pron. as in Wee)) however recuperated quickly by using the bras of lady attendants as gas masks.
At one stage, British guns lost direction and started firing off range. At this moment Admiral V. standing on the hull of his ship shouted a historically sarcastic comment on his megaphone. The comment that was supposed to change the entire course of war. It said...
"Those bloody idiotic Blue Trunk, Purple Tight, Yellow Caped morons think themselves as Royal Force? They cannot even smell the 40 yr old socks of French Admiral Villeneuve standing on the Hull of Ship Redoubtable. Elevation 28 deg. to the North of Hollywood C.A. 138 deg lattitude."
The next shell is supposed to have hit the floor between V.'s legs. For the rest course of war, Admiral V. is supposed to have retired under a pile of quilt, shaking like a vibrator switched on.
[edit] Death of Admiral Knellson
This tale of the death of a martyr of a great nation, is still mourned by the late night harlots, who are told to fake cries at their orgasms.
Admiral Knellson conducted the war with utmost professionalism, until he stepped upon a bottle of Vodka labelled The Red Tonic. He gulped the whole bottle, neat. After that he insisted that his horse be bought onto the deck. Inspired by his patron Duke of Wellington, the T-Shirt Monarch, Knellson came near the cannons, mounted on his horse and ordered a directed barrage on the French fleets, sword blazing in his right hand. After the cannons had fired their shots and were reloading for the second, Knellson Cried out "Infantry CHARGE..." nudged his horse and leapt from the deck right into the ocean.(Official sources maintain till date, that the horse never jumped into the water. Although it galloped towards the ocean with full speed, yet managed to apply brakes, while a charged Knellson was thrown off right into the waters, head first.)
Once inside the water, still under the influence of The Red Tonic, he was attacked by a Jelly Fish. Even in the state of high inebriation, Knellson used his quick judgemental skills and grabbed an eel fish passing by, used it as a sword to fend off the Jelly Fish attack. First he received a double shock. At that stage, he grabbed the tail of a salt-water alligator and tried to whip the shark coming at him. As a true fighter, he died fighting for his country. He died of multiple wounds, but not a scar was noted on the purple trunks he wore, presented to him by The Queen, an honour which Knellson supposedly died protecting. His body rendered as a bloody ketchup mess was brought to surface by Royal Alligator Unit, who were still warding off sharks.
Knellson was posthumously given Medal of Honor: Final Assault CD Game Pack, placed inside his tomb.
[edit] Battle Loses
The Swedes expended all ships, the Dutch lost one ship, and the French lost no ships since they fled the battle while the Ukrainians lost no ships because they had none. The British lost 10 ships which they later found on a flea market, including their largest three: HMS Invincible, HMS British Bulldog, HMS British Bulldog 2 and HMS Rachel Weisz.
The British fleet took 1,000,099 prisoners, including Vin Diesel, Grabov, and Paris Hilton. The only casualties, other than Crunch or his balls, on the British side were some dirty woman on board of the “HMS 3rd Amendment” and Daniel David Victorio Beckham, ancestor of David Beckham. Unfortunately, his death was an accident caused by friendly fire when Crunch Fired His Guns.
[edit] Aftermath & International Consequences
After this titanic battle, Sweden ceased to be a country and Britain became a world power. Following the battle, the Royal Navy was never again seriously challenged by the French fleet in a large-scale engagement. Napoleon W.Bonaparte had already abandoned his plans of invasion before the battle but they were never revived for fear of the Royal Navy.
Crunch became Britain's greatest naval war hero, and an inspiration to the Royal Navy, yet his tactics were only infrequently emulated by later generations.
[edit] Some ships involved
Britain:
- HMS Rachel Weisz (flag),
- HMS True Løver
- HMS Old Cunt
- HMS British Bulldog
- HMS British Bulldog 2
- HMS Pelican Brief
- HMS Mary Rose (Submarine Unit)
- HMS Wyomming
- HMS 3rd Amandment
- HMS Oh bugger, I tripped over that damn corgi again
- HMS Frito-Lay
- HMS Neptunus
- HMS Supernaut
- HMS Robert “Rob” Dylan
- HMS Fronet Kisk
- HMS Lamb
- HMS Gobsmacked
- HMS Cannonball Magnet
- HMS Penetrable
- HMS Sozzled
- HMS Ridiculous
- HMS Porous
- HMS Crumpet
- HMS Earl Grey
- HMS NHS
- HMS Glastonberry
- HMS Home One
- HMS Poofter
- HMS Fanny
- HMS Glory Hole and
- HMS Sainsbury's - a Supply Brig.
France:
- FNS Celine Dion
- FNS Alizée
- FNS Zidane
- FNS Merdique
- FNS Canard à l'Orange
- FNS Naf Naf
- FNS FCUK
- FNS Putain
- FNS Salope
- FNS Je m'en fiche
- FNS Keel ze Heengleesh
- FNS Vous me faites chier
Sweden:
- SN Smÿålänkds Ljöön
- SN Götëbrg ĀĐ
- SN LëöpĒrd
- SN Rëgïnä ĒĜĥĩ
- SN Trêë Krönër Đ
- SN Jägärë
- SN Vstrvks Förtünä
- SN Akllĥs Ð
- SN SvhŐn
- SN Ĝml Förtünä
- SN Lpkm
- SN Fêÿânĩx
- SN PstpfŎrd
- SN Lïllä Ðëlfïnŝ
- SN MârmŁn ŁŐŎŝ
Netherlands:
- Van Damhme
- Van Juspitger
- Van Enfhgel
- Van Halen
- Den Gekryoende
- Den Conisndchjva Teekn
- Vit Caxmvpen
- Deln Rashven
- Van Vlissiskngen
- Nieuw Vlissingsen Imkarnatuxeer
- St Matthuis Inkarnatux
- Verm Pastiefntia
- St Arent/Adelaar/Adeelaar
- Niseuw van Hoorn
- Deln Prfins Wapen van Medehnblik
- Van Posthhforn
- Den Brokuwer
