Battle of Midway

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Battle of Midway
Part of the Pacific Theatre of World War II

Battle of Midway

Date June 4June 7, 1942
Location Midway between Honolulu and Tokyo
Result The establishment of the Japanese "Scrap battleship metal for Gold" corporation
Combatants
Americanflag United States of America Japanese-flag-wiki-commons Japan
Commanders
Admiral Chester W. Nimitz Captain Obvious Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto
Strength
3 aircraft carriers,
3 good aircraft carrier crews,
233 carrier aircraft,
233 good pilots
4 carriers,
248 carrier aircraft,
248 apathetic pilots
Casualties
1 carrier sunk,
1 destroyer sunk,
98 aircraft destroyed,
307 killed
National Pride

The Battle of Midway was a naval engagement that was marked as a turning point in the war between Nintendo and Sony. The battle was centered around Midway Island, the fourth race track in Mario Kart and included the complete destruction of two grandstands, Peach's castle and thousands of Japanese planes from Call of Duty. Admiral Nimitz, commander of the American forces with a Germanic-sounding name (hence why they didn't send him to North Africa) successfully defeated what was left of the Japanese navy despite Admiral Yamamoto's use of the classic Nintendo DS cheat code: UP UP DOWN DOWN LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT B A START.

edit Fleet comparisons

“Mighty fine lookin' fleet you got there stranger.”
~ Passing cowboy

In results conducted by the University of Tokyo at the time, 70% of the Japanese's favourite colour was red. A remarkable coincidence considering the number of colours in a rainbow. The US Navy was said to have only 36% in favour of the colour red while 24% preferred green, one of the highest recordings of the number of people who like green in a battle to have taken place in history.

edit The Battle

edit Day One

Battleplanes

The battle looked something like this. Keep in mind video cards were less advanced in 1942.

The Japanese had broken the American naval codes at the outbreak of the war, and intercepted the message that made the American intent clear: "Target Midway is. You know what you doing. Take off every zig. For great justice." The Japanese Fleet was commanded by Admiral Yamamoto, who had already proven his valour at the successful Japanese destruction of Australia and the infamous "Battle of the Coral Snake", in which a massive spectral sky snake from Aboriginal folklore sunk Yamamoto's flagship and then spat out a bunch of black men whose task it was to make Australia beautiful again for when their grateful European masters arrive to share their land with them and rule equally.

Digressions aside, Yamamoto was a capable commander who chose an equally capable second in command to face the Americans at Midway, Admiral Ackbar. Ackbar was an invaluble ally due to his uncanny ability to sense when a trap has already been sprung. Yamamoto also chose him to nullify the advantage of America's equally capable Captain Obvious. Yamamoto packed his prized Hentai DVD's in the ship's hold, and due to the recent "Rape of Nanking" in which 400 million tonnes of Chinese fried rice was consumed for transport to Japan by Japanese troops, there was no shortage of that precious substance. Yamamoto was able to launch his attack right away, but found the American fleet waiting for him. Shortly after being ambushed and losing one third of his fleet, Yamamoto was informed by Admiral Ackbar that it was a trap. It was only due to this timely warning that Yamamoto was able to order his fleet to take evasive maneuvers. His order to "turn left a little bit, shoot their ships, don't run into that massive island" has passed into history as an example of Yamamoto's tactical genius.

The Americans were completely outmaneovered by the slight left turn of the Japanese fleet, as they were not expecting their foes to be ambi-directional. However, French engineers had recently installed a reverse gear on the American ships, and they were able to retreat most of their fleet safely for another engagement the following morning.

edit The Following Morning

Yamamoto and Ackbar woke up late, and the American commanders much preferred to watch the Superbowl than press the advantage. So the engagement continued the following morning.

edit Day Three

The battle began for real as the Japanese committed their three aircraft carriers to bomb the oil-half of Midway. Yamamoto's ignorance of the properties of oil became readily apparent: fire-bombing an island made of oil results in a fire so fierce it actually freezes, destroying the taste of the island's fried rice in the process. But after six months of fighting in the Pacific, the Japanese didn't care. The Japanese planes returned back to their ships and, again betraying their ignorance of simple chemistry, intended to bomb the island again to see if it would unfreeze. Admiral Nimitz, always cautious, was reluctant to commit his own aircraft carriers. However, Jack Bauer screamed "There's no time" and tortured and killed the captain of each aircraft carrier and took command personally so as not to lose this opportunity. Since high-ranking naval personnel were a dime a dozen, Nimitz didn't really mind. Captain Obvious at this point said to Nimitz: "Mr. Bauer doesn't seem to think we have time". With this clarification in mind, Nimitz ordered the fleet to support Jack Bauer's carriers, and to be wary of another "slight left turn" maneuver. Jack Bauer launched every plane from every carrier in order to bomb the refueling Japanese aircraft. While Yamamoto anticipated this, the Japanese pilots simply could not be bothered preparing their aircraft any faster after six months of war, and were all killed by the American bombers. However, Yamamoto played his final trump card: kamikaze pilots. Kamikaze pilots didn't need to be much good for obvious reasons, and so he used the crew of his carriers to man the hundreds of planes left on deck without pilots. The Americans did not anticipate this, and so were using anti-pilot bombs that had no effect on aircraft whatsoever.

Crappy pilot

Yes, the Japanese pilots were THIS lazy.

It was at this point the awesomeness of Nimitz came into play: each of his ships was armed with an anti-aircraft gun, which the Japanese did not anticipate. The Japanese planes were all shot out of the air, and Yamamoto's fleet was left defenseless, as he had not anticipated kamikaze's would not work and therefore had removed the weapons on his ships the previous night. He retreated from the area of engagement, accidentally taking his slight left turn maneuver too far, his Claymore DVD's, the fleet's Hentai supplies, 12 tonnes of Fried Rice, and lots of Nips falling into the ocean for the Americans to pick up and enjoy.

edit Aftermath

Japan Surrenders

But their teeth are still better.

Yamamoto, also sick of war after six months, retired to a more peaceful 1942 country, China. When it became apparent that China was not as peaceful as supposed, he decided to travel to a country where his skills as an Admiral would be in demand; Mozambique. Shortly after, he became a geographer for unknown reasons.

Admiral Ackbar had a short career as an Admiral in the Rebel Alliance, but retired after he was somehow ambushed by a massive fleet of Star Destroyers that must have been visible for a long time before he noticed them. He then became a successful porn star in transvestite cinema, the tagline: "It's a trap" becoming very popular.

Jack Bauer, after saving the world again, was labeled an "Enemy of the State", dumped by his girlfriend, and kidnapped by China. However, it seems he not as willing to put up with years of torture this time, and the most recent Chinese census has the country's population down from 1.3 billion to 400 million.

Captain Obvious became a Starcraft commentator, his popularity sky-rocketing due to his insightful view of the game, as evidenced in quotes such as: "He is playing Zerg", "Marines are better with Medics" and "Bisu is going to win"

Admiral Chester Nimitz ascended to a higher plane of existence as reward for his efforts, and was accordingly granted an Australian citizenship. He is currently in command of all four ships of the Australian Navy, and he is currently busy training the Australian naval personnel to do something other than catch fish.

The Hentai and Rice Confederacy fell apart soon after; it became apparent to them that the only other people in the world interested in Hentai and Fried Rice are Americans anyway. The Americans first offered to buy Japan's entire Hentai industry, and then to offer every fried rice store in Japan a place on a New York Street corner. After America dropped these two bombs on Japan, the Confederacy folded, and Japan went back to being good old Japan. You know, with Samurai, the funny buildings and the giggly schoolgirls. And lots of rape.

America made good on their victory at Midway, acquiring both the Hentai and fried rice industries as previously stated. As the most powerful nation on the planet, they preceded to lose on war against a much inferior Asian enemy and are currently in the process of losing another due to the recent invention of Middle Easterners.

edit Transcript of the Battle for Midway

  • Both fleets arrive at Midway

Captain Obvious: We have arrived at Midway.

Admiral Nimitz: Let's wait to see what they do.

Jack Bauer: There's no time!

  • American fleet attacks, taking the Japanese by surprise

Captain Obvious: We have taken them by surprise.

Admiral Ackbar: It's a trap!

Admiral Yamamoto: Take evasive action, slight left turn! Mind the island!

  • American fleet is outmaneuvered and takes damage

Captain Obvious: We have been out outmaneuvered and are taking damage.

Admiral Nimitz: We should retreat as soon as we see the extent of their fleet.

Jack Bauer: There's no time!

  • American fleet retreats
  • The next day

Captain Obvious: Superbowl is awesome.

Admiral Nimitz: If they could just get the play right! Such a head-on play will never work.

Jack Bauer: Head on is fine! There's no time!

Admiral Yamamoto: Holy shit, look at the time!

Admiral Ackbar: I'm surprised there hasn't been a trap.

Admiral Yamamoto: To be honest, they're probably taking a breather today. Which is fine, because we have a ship full of Hentai and Fried Rice.

Admiral Ackbar: Just don't watch the Hentai with that chick called Bridget. It's a trap.

  • The next day

Admiral Yamamoto: Launch the bombers! Arm them with fire bombs, or the oil might get set alight.

Captain Obvious: They are bombing Midway.

Admiral Nimitz: Let's wait to see the extent of their strength before we respond.

Jack Bauer: There's no time!

  • Commandeers aircraft carriers and launches attack on the Japanese ships

Captain Obvious: It appears-

  • Nimitz knocks Obvious unconscious

Admiral Yamamoto: Shit! We need our pilots to move faster!

Japanese pilots: Cbf, sir.

Admiral Yamamoto: But we have incoming!

Admiral Ackbar: It's a tr-

  • Yamamoto knocks out Admiral Ackbar
  • Japanese pilots all die

Admiral Yamamoto: All crewmen to stations. Take off every zig. You know what you doing.

Japanese crewmen: o_0 But-but we don't have a fucking clue what we're doing.

Admiral Yamamoto: You know what you doing >=(

Admiral Yamamoto: For great justice.

Admiral Nimitz: We're under attack! All men activate the anti-air weaponry!

Jack Bauer: There's no time!

Admiral Nimitz: ...

  • Nimitz takes a swing at Bauer, Bauer shoots him in the knees
  • Captain Obvious wakes up

Captain Obvious: I just woke up.

Jack Bauer: ...

  • Bauer kicks Obvious in the face
  • Japanese planes are all shot down

Admiral Yamamoto: Slight left turn! Evade! Retreat, this battle is over!

  • Hentai, crewmen, fried rice and Claymore DVD's fall into the ocean

Admiral Yamamoto: TERESAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

edit See also

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