Battle of Miami

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Battle of Miami.

The Battle of Miami was fought in 1622 AD, between the Baguette wielding forces of Sir Francis Bacon and an undead force led by Christopher Walken and an unknown native tribe (sometimes called the "Pionmi" Tribe), whose existence has been wiped from the annals of history because they were neither Nazi nor Confederate. The Baguette completely wiped out the Pionmi Tribe, but proved ineffective (yet tasty) against Walken and the undead. Walken's decisive victory, on behalf of the American Association of Retired Persons, was the last unified act between the undead and the nearly dead, as their relationship would deteriorate to the point that the AARP would have to enlist the support of a new invincible super-being, Bruce Campbell.

As for Miami, it was lost to a Cuban refugee force in the Battle of guava in 1961 AD. The rest of Florida is still being contested. The ultimate ramifications of this battle are lost on most modern day historians, who have exhibited little or no interest in 17th century Florida.

Prelude to Battle

Tampa

Sir Francis Bacon and his followers had originally settled in the Tampa area, following 40 years of wandering the nearby wilderness of northern Florida and southern Georgia. Bacon, having lost battles with virtually every indigenous tribe, and even some small, furry woodland creatures, was rather enjoying the temporary respite, and his people built strip malls in celebration of what they hoped would be a lasting peace.

Woodland creature

Defeated Sir Francis Bacon in the Battle of Two Peaches. The knew there could be no lasting peace.

The Last Donut

Bacon was attending a symposium on what would become his best offensive weapon, the baguette, held in Georgia in 1618. Upon arrival, he found that there was only one donut left in the complimentary snack station. Being a man of action, he seized the moment and grabbed the donut, just as a very hungry Christopher Walken walked up. Walken politely asked Bacon to give him the donut, and separately to "Go back to... France, you... commie!" Bacon, however, took his donut and left the situation quite bewildered, as Walken continued staring at him and speaking... with... awkward pauses... and such.

The Tipping Point

Settlement of Miami

Bacon, finding that during the summer nobody wanted to be in southern Florida, took a group of settlers to the site of present-day Miami. Upon arrival, they only found an ancient burial ground. They quickly dug up much of the burial ground, and created an artificial beach less than 500 yards from the actual beach overlooking the Atlantic Ocean. As the rest of the summer went by, they dug up more and more of the burial ground in order to make mud brick huts and thatched roof cottages, which would later be destroyed by Trogdor the Burninator. Having created quite a comfortable home, the Baconite people rejoiced as the cooler weather of autumn allowed them to venture away from their artificial beach for more than 20 minutes at a time, and they proceeded to dig up the rest of the burial ground to build a new Fitness Center, where they specialized in the predecessors to the South Beach Diet and Pilates.

Unholy Alliance

Christopher walken

Christopher Walken, leader of the legions of undead.

As it turns out, the burial ground was in fact a retirement village for the undead, who had founded the home in Miami because they were impervious to heat and fishy smells. The elderly undead appealed to both the senior citizens of the AARP and the undead forces of Christopher Walken. They did not want the land back, they simply wanted the Baconites, of French descent, dead and/or shaved. The AARP, enticed at the opportunity to settle in a warmer, more humid climate of Miami, which would keep them from premature deterioration, were quickly onboard. They funded the training of the Pionmi tribe, a local tribe known for their ruthlessness and their skills in animal grooming and spaying/neutering, to fight on their behalf. They were to be given Tampa, Miami Beach, and the surviving Baconites as slaves.

The Triad, as they were known, came under the ultimate leadership of Walken, known even then to be a military genius. They moved, rather slowly, down from their headquarters in Jacksonville to the Miami area. Southern Florida was on the eve of battle, as Walken's elderly forces rested on Thursday afternoon, 23 February 1622, just half a mile from the artificial beach.

The Battle

The Element of Surprise

On Friday morning the 24th, the Pionmi and Undead surprised the Baconites at 8 AM, when the entire settlement was still asleep and/or hung over from the previous night's revelry. The Baconite workday didn't start until 10 AM, so their forces absolutely refused to officially surrender until then. Bacon tried to organize a counter-attack, and they established a beachhead on the artificial beach. Having seen so many of their fellow Baconites shaved, and either spayed or neutered, they were spurred on to fight for a full 15 minutes. During the first five minutes, Bacon found that his forces, while valiant, had absolutely no fighting ability, and those armed with guns and swords were killing two of their own for every one of the enemy, wiping themselves out faster than before. Bacon would soon turn the tide of the battle with the one thing his French descendants knew how to wield; bread.

Baguettes of Fury

Bacon personally ran into the nearest bakery he could find, and brought as many baguettes as he could carry to his reserve forces. Many quickly followed suit, under the impression that they were organizing a breakfast. Suddenly armed to the teeth with day-old baguettes, the Baconites wiped out the entire Pionmi tribe, using the baguettes as both clubs and projectile weapons, with equal success. The only complaint many Baconites had was the lack of butter.

Buoyed by their success, Bacon's forces were set to face Walken and his Undead hordes... after a quick cigarette break.

With A Whimper

Walken vs. Bacon

The final battle lasted 54 seconds, as the undead were impervious to the baguette attacks and thirsty for revenge. The cries of the Baconites filled the air, but they were soon replaced by the satisfied sounds of the undead. Walken quickly found Bacon huddled in a corner clutching a baguette, and teleported him back to France, where he would spend the rest of his life dedicated to furthering the science of pork fat consumption. Walken then ordered the undead back to the depths to take their rest, the rest of those who have successfully acquired vengeance. He turned the entirety of Southern Florida over to the barely living (AARP), and with that took his leave.

Final Notes

This is still the only time in recorded history that undead creatures ate enough to satisfy them, and this satisfaction may have in fact been a final gift from Christopher Walken, who is rumored to have either ridden to the heavens on a cloud, or ridden into the Atlantic on a chariot pulled by sharks.

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