Battle of Antietam
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|The Battle of Antietam'|
|Part of The Megabattles of the Kennewick War|
|Lt. General Willingham||Overlord Darth Cruentus|
| 149,629 soldiers
250 artillery pieces
| 153,697 soldiers
300 artillery pieces
166 artillery pieces
150 artillery pieces
| 19,923 soldiers killed
50,298 soldiers wounded
29 tanks destroyed
631 aircraft shot down
97 artillery pieces destroyed
60 warships sunk
1 random photographer killed
8,759 soldiers wounded
| 40,921 soldiers killed
90,004 soldiers wounded
40 tanks destroyed
631 aircraft shot down
109 artillery pieces destroyed
60 warships sunk
84 goats raped
66,666 soldiers wounded
66 tanks destroyed
666 aircraft shot down
166 artillery pieces destroyed
66 warships sunk
15,387 soldiers wounded
17 tanks destroyed
63 artillery pieces destroyed
7 warships sunk
6,080 soldiers wounded
The Battle of Antietam was the last of the 4 Megabattles of the Kennewick War in which 137,764 soldiers (including random photographer) were killed 237,194 soldiers were wounded and 84 goats were raped during the 64 day long battle. The battle was the turning point of the Invasion of Southridge by the "Scarlet Horde" of the Kamiakin Empire and mercenaries from Delta, Richland and Hanford.
edit Scene 1
Once upon a time, an officer of the Kennewick Empire had a good idea; he was gonna found Southridge. Fortunately, a few years later that decision came back to haunt him as Southridge declared independence. Kamiakin, for some strange reason, decided to get into the action by declaring war on Southridge...it was a bad idea.
Southridge dominated, but then a new power arose and took over the crumbling Kamiakin Empire. His name is so holy that it is not to be uddered, and he is known simply as...Darth Cruentus. He rallied the depleted Goat Rape Army and invented what he called...the Scarlet Horde
(he was drunk when he came up with this name)
Although he and his "Scarlet Horde" had defeated Willingham and the "Rebel Army" twice already, they (KaHS) had been on the defense. He knew that his troops were nowhere even relatively close to taking on the might of the Rebel Army on it's home turf. So, for target practice, he and the Scarlet Horde invaded Richland and Hanford.
Kurt Warner was off on vacation in some place called Tampa Bay for some small event that only 93 million people in America alone watched, and Albert Einstein was...well, just look at the picture on the left, so Cruentus easily took them both down. Being as "smart" as he is, Cruentus ordered some RIchland and some Hanford soldiers to fight in the Scarlet Horde. With his new might, he now thought that he was ready to take the Rebel Army head on.
The two armies first clashed at Vicksburg, the first of the 4 Megabattles. Vicksburg had actually been under siege by Kennewick troops for a little over a month by the time the Scarlet Horde arrived, so a massive 3 way battle took place.
The Battle was a hard fought battle that saw over 100,000 total casualties and last over 3 months. By the time the battle was over, the city that was once a Southridge stronghold had been completely leveled; not even a single building was left standing. Kamiakin had won the battle though, although it did come at a great price...$6.99 plus tax.
The Battle of Vicksburg was not forgotten by Lt. General Willingham and his Rebel Army. Kamiakin didn't forget it either, and to celebrate their victory, they all got drunk and raped goats. This is known as the Great Goat Incident ("Everyday" in Kamiakinese). Shortly after this, the Scarlet Horde was ambushed by Kennewick soldiers, beginning the Battle of Shiloh.
Since you probably came to this page to read about the Battle of Antietam, I'm just going to skip the rest of the background and go to the introduction, only telling you who won the battles.
edit Bunker Hill
After Kamiakin's victory at the Battle of Bunker Hill, the Scarlet Horde was in position to strike a critical blow to Southridge. However, it was lunch time, so the invasion was put on hold for a bit so the Darth could eat.
When he finally got his army together and organized, he began to march on the capital city of Southridge; Hokkaido. Unfortunately for him, the Rebel Army was ready and waiting for him just outside of a little town 10 miles outside the capital called Sharpsburg.
edit Scene 2
Now, with all the anticipation that scene 1 built up, comes scene 2 as Cruentus orders all of his troops on an all out frontal attack on the Southridge positions. Southridge was eager and waiting just like a Kamiakin person and his goat.... long story short, the Rebels cut down the Scarlet Horde like blades of grass.
It was fun
This was a horrible failure for Cruentus, he needed a new plan. While he was thinking of his new plan, he kept sending in troops to get slaughtered by the Suns. Willingham knew that Cruentus was forming a new plan, so he decided to throw a monkey wrench into his scheme....
It was now Day 2 of the battle. The Commies had the snot beaten out of them in Day 1, so Cruentis accidentally spelled his name wrong, decided to pull back his exausted Scarlet Horde and told them to hold their ground while he thought of a new plan to take out the pesky Rebel Army. There was only one thing he forgot; he was fighting the man who would rather take a musket and charge at an entire battalion of Braves than ask a girl to prom, Willingham.
While Cruentus was scheming, Willingham ordered the 12th Hokkaido regiment to attack the right flank of the Scarlet Horde. Cruentus paniced, thinking that Willingham was trying to turn his flank and surround his forces. He took a ton of reserves and a ton of troops from his left flank and ordered them to reinforce his threatened right flank and went back to scheming. Unbeknownced to him, he had just fallen into Willingham's trap.
The Lt. General then ordered Jacob Garretson's entire corps to attack the now extremely vulnerable left flank of the Kamiakin "Braves". The Braves lived up to their name.... and flee battlefield like little French pussies during great winter of 1812. Oh, Mother Russia! It was worst of times and best of times.... all at same of times. Oh, sorry. I just had a nostalgia, please forgive me. Anywho, the 12th Hokkaido took heavy casualties, but they managed to hold off the Commies. With their right flank now smashed and Suns proceeding to surround and crush the Scarlet Horde.
It was here, just as Willingham had won a great victory, that the tide of the battle turned....
It was at this very moment that Delta mercenaries Cruentus had hired to fight for him 3 years before finally arrived. They caught the Rebels completely off guard and began a counterattack that pushed back the Rebels to their original trenches. We were back to where we began....
edit Scene 3
Kamiakin and Southridge fought day and night day after day after day of bloody trench warfare at Antietam, but neither side was able to make the other one budge. Both sides took extremely heavy casualties, especially the Commies, but neither side was able to make the other one lose.... wait, that was a weird sentence. Let me rephrase that.... Neither side was able to defeat the other. That's better.
Delta troops kept giving Rebel troops fits, and blah blah blah. I had to put that in there because Ahnold Schvartzeneggah said he would let me live if I did.... So anyways, the bloody stalemate bloody lasted for 58 bloody days until the 20th of bloody September! Cherrio! (Don't ask) On the bloody September the 20th, 10,000 more Delta reinforcements arrived on the battlefield.... only this time, they were under the loyalty of Southridge. It was also at this time that Cruentus made an unprecidented move that would change the course of the battle and the war.......
Its intermission time! Go and spend all of your hard earned money on a coke (as in coca-cola, not the other coke for you drug addicts out there) and some popcorn and candy. If you need to use the bathroom, now's the time. The next feature presentation will begin in approximately 30 minutes.
edit Enough Nonsense. On to Secene 4
Anywho, your probably why both sides have Delta warriors fighting for them. To clear up the confusion, Delta is a place that makes unreal cyborg warriors that are up for hire. You order as many warriors as you can possibly afford from them, they send them to you, and now their yours. Delta deals with all 6 area high schools, so its not uncommon at all to have a Delta on Delta battle.
Anywho, back to Cruentus's big decision. When the Delta Farce arrived for Southridge, Cruentus came to the realization that Kamiakin sucks and that even if he could defeat Southridge,
(which is impossible) get that out of here, we're supposed to be neutral. That's what Uncyclopedia pays you for. Ha ha, sorry. I get in fights with myself sometimes.
Anywho, even if he could beat Southridge, he wouldn't want to do it for a sucky Communist society that enjoys raping goats and sucking on the football field. He thought "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em", so he did. Right in the middle of the battle, Darth Cruentus randomly switched sides and became the commander of all Delta
farces forces under the Southridge banner, leaving control of his "Scarlet Horde" to Giorgi Zhukov; an inexpierienced young lad who dropped out of the West Point Military Academy and was only an officer because he made a mean proaganda poster.
TO BE CONTINUED...