Batman (Movies)

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Batsylogo

Batman, aka the "Dark Knight", "The Caped Crusader", one half of "The Dynamic Duo" and "Betty" is a fictitious superhero who, after seeing his parents have sex when he was only a young boy, vowed to put an end to child abuse once and for all by dressing up as a bat and scaring the bejesus out of anyone he deemed to be a bad guy. He has long been many a geeks favorite superhero for over several years now. The reason believed most is that he is not like any other superhero, he does not have mystical super powers, and is simply a regular man. Nerds relate to him the most because they want to be him, but could never actually afford to be him, and accept that the original creator Bob Kane created his alter ego as Bruce Wayne and well...you know how geeks are? George Lucas is God himself to those who think Jedi is an actual religion. So let's move away from that subject now as it considered to be way too nerdy.

Bouncywikilogo3
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Batman (Movies).

Origins

Comics-Batman-569462
Batsigs

Batman was created by Bob Kane so long ago during a time when the Dead Sea wasn't even sick yet. However, this article is not going to refer to the comic book origins anymore than explaining it started off as a comic, because today's readers have grown sick and tired of it ever since Twilight emerged and created a world wide debate about how the books where so good, but fans refuse to admit the movie stinks more than Mel Gibson's current career.

The original story is told that as a child, Bruce Wayne walked into his parents bedroom when he was aged 7. Saw them engaging in autoerotique asphyxiation and young Bruce witnessed his parents suffer the same fate of Michael Hutchinson. Bruce then was remanded in custody of the family butler Lurch, until he reached the age 17 and disappeared to foreign countries to learn how to be a ninja, so he could one day return to his home of Gotham City and start bar fights to release his sexually confused induced rage on drunken patrons, and never lose.

Bruce returned some years later to Gotham and began his night life of bar fights, which soon escalated into just searching out any old bastard on the streets, because he was banned from every bar in Gotham within his first 6 weeks experience as his new persona, Batman.

However, depending on which version of Batman you view on video, some back stories from their get changed around, to attempt to better make profit from viewers.

Most Notable Characters

Batman-reclining
  • Batman. His real name is Bruce Wayne. No matter which story of Batman you are familiar with, Bruce Wayne's secret alter identity has never been revealed, because Gotham crooks are amongst the dumbest in the world. One could simply lure Batman into a tanning bed and lock him in it, then wonder around the next day looking for a man with a suntanned jaw line and outlines of the cowls shape around his eyes, or even more simply just throw acid in his face. However fans believe it is not so simple to do because Batman is always one step ahead of the criminals he instills fear into... and the ones that don't fear him, just don't want to expose him for whom he really is. Even tho the bad guys want Batman dead, it's still a mystery as to why Batman has never been shot in the face. He may be fast, he may have ninja skills, but can his teeth really catch a bullet, let alone a whole shower of machine gun rounds? No, this is why Batman is a legend, even tho his powers can't even compare to The Mask.

  • Robin. Robin is the side kick of Batman. His real name is Dick Glazin, and his alter ego is often referred to as Wonder Boy, Nightwing-Boy and Buttplug-boy. He first appeared in the comics, and was considered as stupid of a character as when Superman comics introduced Superman's new helpers Supergirl, Supercat, and Superdog. The character of Robin was left out from Tim Burton's first two Batman installments, but was introduced in the next two Burton versions that were not Burton films. Dick's back-story was the same as how Batman became The Batman, only Dick was not a multimillionaire so he had to leach of Bruce Wayne.

  • Bat-Girl. She was introduced first in the 1960's TV series in the second series. Due to a mishap with Robin's character being racist towards other birds, the executives of the show felt a woman should be included before someone accused the show of being sexist too. Batgirl was first played by Yvonne Craig who was dead set fucking ugly, but looked sexy when she dawned a long blonde wig under her Batgirl cowl. Later on Batgirl came back in Batman & Robin (1997) portrayed by Alicia Silverstone. One thing fans agreed on was Alicia looked much sexier than Yvonne Craig, however Alicia had no tits, and didn't show her muff in the film. Batgirl was a complete flop for audiences. She later appeared as a cripple in a spin off series titled "Birds of Prey" but low ratings killed the show before the season was over due to no one wanting to fuck that version of Batgirl either.

  • Alfred E Newman Pennywise. Since the origins, Alfred has been the butler of Bruce Wayne and his caretaker. He is now considered the butler, originally he was a black slave that Bruce threatened to kill Alfred's entire family, which where kept chained in the barn, if Alfred did not clean Bruce's mansion for him. Since then Alfred has gone through many changes and become a white man. Now Bruce is only guilty of torturing the elderly.

  • Commissioner Gordon. A cop that Batman sucks up to for assurance cops don't shoot his ass dead on site when he's meddling in criminal affairs.
Funny-pictures-auto-Batman-Catwoman-474081

Notable Super Villians


  • The Joker. A twisted clown that likes to play party tricks on people while doing horribly evil things like laughing too much and fingering his assistant Harley Quinn then bashing her brains in when she asks if she can be part of one of the movie versions Joker will be in? His story on why he is the way he is has had a million story changes to list, but no one seems to care much anyway, so we shall save room by not listing the reasons.

  • The Penguin. When four baby turtles fell into a sewer and landed in mutagen, they became a story of their own. But little people realize a penguin happened to fall down into that guck too. The Penguin was outcast by Master Splinter and has since that day led a life of crime. For no apparent reason, he enjoys umbrellas. Some beleive he is just trying to be fashionable while others believe he likes to stick them up his own butt, open it fully, pull it out and scream at women that men too can know what it feels like to give birth. The Penguin was first played by that old guy that trained Rocky and then was played even better by Danny DeVito in 1992. But none have portrayed the character better than Ron Jeremy in 2003.

  • The Riddler. This guy was played by Frank Gorsham and Gomez Adams in the 60's, then murdered by Jim Carrey in the 90's. The Riddler is just a weirdo that likes to taunt and dance while never attempting a punch. He is the girliest of all super villains and only has one testicle. You would think the award of biggest pussy would go to Catwoman, but she at least has three more testicles more than The Riddler.

  • Catwoman. Catwoman began as a character that was not bad, or good, but let's face it, she's a bitch, so she's a baddie. She was portrayed by 3 actresses in the 60's, making her look sexy... then was turned into a BDSM mistress in 1992. She then became a leotard wearing black chick again in the early 00's before her character was destroyed as being anything of interest in 2012. Fan's do hope she will return in future and be resurrected as a super villain that causes havoc in Gotham City when she's not de-fleeing her own woman's kitty.

Gotham City

Gotham

The city of Gotham is a fictional city that does not exist. So don't try to find it on any maps. Basically it is New York City, however Bob Kane decided to change its name to Gotham because just about every other fucking superhero in existence protects New York too. Kane figured New York by now should be the safest fucking place on Earth to live, so instead of picking another city, or country, which he believed would not make money off of ignorant Americans if Batman was the protector of London, not when his target sales audience was the US of A, and so he made up Gotham City.

Notable Bat-Gadgets and High-Tech Bat-Crap

To aid in fighting crime in New York Gotham City, Batman has an array of gadgets and thingiemebobs that he uses to fight baddies and robbers, as well as solve crime. Here is just a few notable items.


  • Battarang. The name suggests it is based on a boomerang... an Aboriginal word meaning "stick that comes back". However Batman's version is a carved metal bat on a rope that latches on to things. Apparently Bob Kane didn't like the name "Bat-Grappling Hook" so he named it a Batterang instead. Batman throws the metal bat at things it can latch onto then climbs up stuff you couldn't climb without the aid of a fucking grappling hook. Later on this object turned into a spear head on compact spear gun that not only can support your weight when it retracts the rope, but can also be tugged out of walls to pull large chunks of concrete into the back of clowns heads.

  • Bat Gas. In the 1960s incarnation of Batman, Batsy has a repellent for just about everything imaginable except flies. There was can's of shark repellents, alligator repellent, giraffe repellent and even multipurpose all-in-one poisonous gasses repellent. Unfortunate for Adam West there was no "type cast repellent"

  • Batmobile. Batman is more man than bat. He may wish he could fly like one, but all his millions of dollars where wasted on other things rather than paying Tony Stark for a lend of one his suits. Batman get's around in a bat-broom-broom. The car has seen several incarnations, and become somewhat a running joke to never make a Batman movie and ever use the previous version of the Batmobile unless you completely fuck it up to the point it's beyond all recognition. The car goes really fast, has a bunch of James Bond gadgets hidden in it and is bulletproof, but not as bullet proof as K.I.I.T, just somewhat bullet proof.

  • Bat Cycle. Unfortunately this part of the article about Batgirls Aunty Flo was removed due to disgusting too many readers.

  • Bat Planes. In the 60's Batman had a crappy helicopter, but in 1989 Tim Burton figured a plane with a design that could not possibly by aerodynamic would be cool and figured audiences would accept it because they are stupid enough to already, watching a film about a man who fights crime in a bullet proof suit, yet leaves 45% of his head exposed and unprotected. Later another similar plane returned in Batman Forever, and then in 2012 Audiences just where not fooled this time around by Batman flying a fucking space ship. The Bat-Planes will most likely never be seen in future incarnations.
20121221-091434

The Moving Pictures

The 1940s serial Batman

Origlogoo

Bob Kane's Batman character made his first leap into moving pictures in 1945. Unfortunately, people know of this, but no one has seen the evidence. It's not that the footage is gone, it is still available on DVD, it's just no one seems to give two shits about it. The reason noted most possibly when hearing that it was mini movies in a serial form, sales for DVD's have been low to nil because consumers have no interest in seeing Batman take on villain's like Snap, Crackle & Pop or Toucan Sam.


1960s Slap Stick in the Face

Batman-logo
17276805b5bd12686767dfc6cdc9f1637c919f6b

In 1966, Fox Studios were desperate for ratings to beat out The Beverly Hillbillies. So they cast and shot the first television series of Batman. Cast in the role of Batman was Adam West, in which the role would suffocate his career for years as a type cast actor. Batman's side kick Robin was played by Dick Wart and together they became the dynamic duo Batman and Robin.

The series ran for 2 seasons, and one movie. The show introduced us to to many characters and villains of Batman's legacy, but will probably be most remembered as the show that inspired the classic children's parody of jingle bells (Batman Smells)

In the same year, the first Batman movie was filmed and released. It took Batman and Robin on a journey up against most of the better villains of the series at the same time. However, while lauded for managing to avoid casting Fatgirl, it was criticized as being a movie that was anti-sparrows. The 1960's showed a lot of changes in the world, with army intelligence, wars, the burning of the bra, women considered equals by allowing them to stand between the sum and answer for the first time. But no more criticism came more than from peoples disgust of Robin bad mouthing poor innocents Sparrows.

In the film there is a scene where a Polaris missile is fired into the air by The Joker. When it explodes several 100 feet in the air, it writes a message in smoke for Batman and Robin to interpret. The riddle it writes is "What sits in a tree, weighs 6 ounces and is very dangerous?" which is read out loud by Batman. Robin then replies his answer, "A sparrow with a machine gun". This caused outrage with people as Robin was clearly just picking on sparrows. Critics would write in and say that canneries with AK47's, pigeons with bazookas, or two gold fish in a tank would be far more dangerous then just a sparrow with a machine gun. Sparrows all around the Untied States flocked to social media events to state that Robin was just a racist towards sparrows. One sparrow even asked the question, "How do you know the sparrow owned that machine gun? Did he have a firearms license and was not so dangerous as you claimed? And is it possible a cockatoo might have given it to him, and the sparrow was just holding it for a friend?"

Dick Wart responded that he was just following the script, but was caught in a sex scandal several weeks later when making it publicly aware he was dating a half bred sparrow just to clear up his name. No one bought the act and several fan's of the series to this day believe it is why the series did not venture into a third season.


Batman89

Tim Burton's '80s approach

89logobat

In 1989, director Tim Burton thought it would be nice to remake Batman closer to what was intended by Bob Kane's original vision. At first Kane suggested they digitally remaster the 1966 movie. Kane suggested they edit in some CGI villains to the mix, and restore the missing scene where Batman meets a guy at Pizza Hut to discuss paying off his loan that helped build the Bat-Mobile. Burton stated that it sounded like a stupid idea, was far from revolutionary, and would never work for any movies in the future.

The decision to just make their own version was given the go-ahead. Adam West and Dick Wart auditioned for the parts of the lead characters, but where rejected because Adam was a type cast, and Dick's career had never recovered from that sparrow incident. Instead Micheal Keaton was cast as Batman along with Jack Nicholson as The Joker. Supporting cast roles went to Kim Basinger and that guy who played Lando in Star Wars. The film was deemed dark, but a lot better than that crap from the 1960s.

The only thing critics had to say was that the theme song to this movie sucked compared to the original TV series. And that Kim Basinger didn't show her muff. However that was just a typical review from the 1980s and so the film was considered a box office success.


Cdcd9a55ddde30c13efb50a1f1bd3dec

Batman Returns for the '90s

Batman logo top

In 1992, Tim Burton felt that he needed a change from casting Johnny Depp in every one of his movies, so it might be a fresh change to bring back the cast of Batman for a sequel. Tim then realized he killed off most of the first cast, so he needed a new villain. He cast Danny Devito as The Penguin and Michelle Pheifer as Catwoman. As well as supporting roles by Christopher Walken and John Wayne Gacy.

Two set's of negative reviews emerged against this film during its release. One being that no one understood why Vicki Vale was played by Michelle Pheifer, yet her and Bruce pretended they did not have sex together in the previous film. Fan's beleive Batman might have had enough of her shit and wiped her mind clean, others say people are just dumbass'. The second negative review was that people expected muff this time, especially from someone whose character is based on a pussy. Yet, still no hello kitty shot.

The movie was deemed as not as good as the first, but not as bad as the next. Tim Burton told the media he was done with wasting time on talentless actors and scripts and vowed to only work on movies with Johnny Depp as the star.


Comics-channelate-guy-sport-561875

Batman Forever

Batman logo 3 by pako speedy-d30f2cl

With Burton out of the picture, the helms went to Michael Shumacher in 1995. Schumacher asked Michael Keaton to return to play Batman, but Michael denied in kind when he heard Sharon Stone didn't want to play a role in the film showing her muff, giving the fans what they really wanted in a Batman film. If she wouldn't do it, no one would.

The role of Batman switched to Val Kilmer, and introduced Robin to the series played by Chris O'Donnel. The main villains The Piddler and Two Fucks would be played by Jim Carey and Tommy Lee Jones. Supporting cast, aka, who would be Bruce Wayne's bitch in this movie, went to Nicold Kidman.

The movie was slammed as being a pathetic piece of shit with acting never seen so bad on screen since Batman Returns. This time around critics had a field day with everything they could point out was wrong with the film, and its casting. They slammed its horrible CGI graphics for Gotham, they said Val Kilmer made Batman into a pussy, Jim Carey was slightly more annoying than Tommy Lee Jones playing Harvey Dent, the same role originally portrayed in Batman 1989 by that guy who played Lando in Star Wars. Fan's asked where the casting directors blind, or is Harvey Dent based on Michael Jackson? Most importantly of all, Nicold Kidman coming off of the filming of "Eyes Wide Shut", which she showed her muff in, didn't preform a muff cameo in this film!

It was deemed to be the lowest point in the history of Batman's popularity to date.


Batman Not-So Forever

B&rlogo

1997 saw the 4th and final movie of the series of films Tim Burton started. This time around no one cared who made it, so it just kind of appeared by itself. George Clooney took on the role of Batman, Chris O'Donnell returned to reprise Robin, and Arnold Schwarzenegger took on the role of Mr. Freeze. Bruce's bitch was now played by Elle McPherson, and as expected, she didn't show her muff. The film was slammed as being the dumbest movie of them all. Some critics believe it was not as bad as the last one, but still agreed it was pretty bad. This feature film seemed to be a tribute to the 1960s Batman series and movie. Hence it felt like it was not cannon, and reviews said they may as well have let Adam West and Dick Wart reprise their characters, because they could not have buried the movie any better than Clooney and Arnie did.

Critics also stated widely that not only was there no gratuitous muff shot from Silverstone, she also looked ridicules as the only member of the team whom which dawned a bat-costume without nipples.


Funny-batman-villains-31761619-403-403

Batman XXX

Batbooblogo

Finally fans where given what they wanted, a XXX Parody of Batman surfaced in 2003. Based on the 1960s TV series, Batman and Robin, along with Batgirl would fight the evil villains of Gotham in a new and much harder way. The trio headed into the bedroom to take on Catwoman, The Penguin, The Joker and The Riddler. In the opening scene The Joker delivered one of the best performances portrayed of the character when he fulfilled every fans wishes to see him preform two cum shots without going limp in between, then snowballing his own jizz to Batgirl.

However things went down hill from there as fans complained that not one Bat-Gadget surfaced in the movie. The endless possibility of what sex toys Batman could have had hidden in his utility belt left fans of the franchise bitter. Even when they finally got their muff shots, they still complained about the movie and wanted more. The film was considered the biggest disaster for creativity, but hence the directing and plot were far better than Batman Forever and Batman Not-So Forever combined, it seemed Batman still had enough interest by fans to return sometime again in the future.


Batman Begins...Again in the new millennium

Veginslogo

In 2005, Christopher Nolan took a chance on rebooting Batman and telling the same old story again, but changing one or two things around so a swamp of sequels could be made. Adam West was told where to go once more, and the role of Batman was given to Christian Bale. No character of Robin was in site for this start to an expected trilogy. The main villain would be The Scarecrow, and Liam Neeson in a role that he was desperate to do to try and shake the image of being known as that guy from that Star Wars flick he did. Amongst the supporting cast was Michael Caine as Alfred, and Morgan Freeman as the guy everyone chucks in their movie to try and get credibility.

The film was a box office success, and Nolan had managed to give the finger to Tim Burton in showing how a Batman film is really supposed to go down. With Katie Holmes playing a non essential girlfriend to Bruce Wayne, audiences accepted that they got their muff satisfaction seeing that cunt acting on screen during this film. Everything seemed perfect for the movie, and critics had nothing bad to say about it. Making this movie the most successful Batman movie to date.


Funny-batman

The Dark Knight

Dklogo

It took 3 years to get the next sequel out in 2008, but anticipation was high to see a cast of returning actors from the first film, and adding in Heath Ledger as The Joker. Unfortunately Heath died just before the film was released, so critics never got to give an honest review, and instead focused on Ledgers performance. Nominations flocked in from everywhere to give Heath's performance as The Joker every award thinkable. Heath won best actor that year, and everyone applauded when his spouse accepted the award on his behalf. However, deep down, it is said by most that had he not died, he wouldn't have been awarded fuck all for his portrayal of a combination of Gilbert Grape and Lips Manlis from the Dickless Tracy movie.


The Dark Knight Rises in 2012

54641654

The final chapter of the trilogy (supposedly) saw everyone return and destroy the characters of Catwoman and Bane. This next sequel to the last at first did not do as well as hoped at the box office. This was due to downloading camera caught quality videos of movies in theatres popularity being at an all-time high. Most reviews for the film where much the same, a majority of them saying that the film was OK up until halfway through when some asshole in the audience stood up and opened fire, killing the camera man.

When the movie was released several months later on DVD, reviews began to pick up that the unseen ending that the director intended people to see suited it better, however some disagreed and said the cam copy felt more realistic.


Cartoon installments

Several cartoon versions of Batman have emerged since the late 1970's. So many to name that too much information is required to mention the name of all them to date, let alone give details on them. That's why we won't be listing that information here. However what is notably notable is the cartoons have a fan base, but they only watch the cartoon and pay no attention to the show or movies. These are the type of geeks that will write up a future article on this site about the history of the animated series', so until then, you won't get a fucking peep from this article about that side of the Batman history.

Demotivational-posters-demotivating-posters-funny-posters-posters-beetle-juice-batman-joker-characters-career-movies-movie

Proposal of Batman's future

Funny-batman-305-500x520
Funny-supreme-awsomeness-bat-vader-man-star-wars-pics

Many sources claim that Batman will return as a cameo in an upcoming Superman movie. Most likely it will be a shot of Batman cursing at Superman in a bar brawl and finally getting his ass handed to him. From then on Batman will return in a Justice League movie where all the other superheroes with actual superpowers will meet up and say, "Race you to our secret island hideout" that results in Batman feeling inadequate that he had to run, drive or swing on a rope chasing down the left behind dust of those with real super powers capable of getting them places quickly.

Other sources claim that Tim Burton is discussing a planned remake of the 2003 XXX parody which he plans to make much darker and will most likely cast Johnny Depp to play Batman and Helena Bonham Carter to play both Batgirl and Catwoman, because Tim just won't let anyone else use his wife like a bowling ball. George Lucas and Steven Spielberg have also hinted at joining Burton to create the first ever 100% CGI characters that fuck a woman in a porno film. Reports from Lucas Ranch found on their website leaked information that Jar Jar Binks may finally be returning to a role more suited to his nature as he is buttfucked by 1000 Storm Troopers under the control of Cobra Commander.

If Johnny Depp turns down the role to play Captain Jack Sparrow for the millionth time, then Adam West and Dick Wart are expected to finally get to reprise their starring roles.

190px-Featured.png

Potatohead aqua Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 21 February 2014
This article has been featured on the front page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
<includeonly>Template:FA/21 February 2014Template:FA/2014</includeonly>
Personal tools
projects