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In the Batman series of comic books, as well as in its various forms in other media, Batman, Robin, and his allies in the fight against injustice have a group of 'usual suspects' in Gotham City who repeatedly offend the Dark Knight and his chums. These costumed villains serve as a wicked reversal of the masked justice that Batman brings to Gotham City. As is usual in the Batman mythos, many of the most colorful characters have interesting back stories which provide a fascinating highlight of the effects of human psychological dysfunction and the various ways it can be manifest.
edit The Joker
He he he ha ho ho he he he hahaha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ho. He he ha ho he he. He ha ho ho ha ha he. And I thought my Joker impression was bad.
The Joker, A.K.A. The Clown Prince of Crime, brings deadly capers to the citizens of Gotham yet always with a sickly comedic twist and a smile. He is famous (or infamous) for his special 'Joker Gas', which is consisted of 51,532 molecules of laughonium, an element discovered by The Joker's clown ancestors 500 years ago with an atomic # of 34,234. Rumours told the world (and the universe) if you breathe in it, you can smile for the camera HELLA more efficiently. His psychosis stems from a childhood trauma in which he was anally raped by Mr. Jingles, Gotham's favourite clown, as revealed in the graphic novel "The Cheap Anal Rape Joke".
It later turned out that the Joker was none other than Cherie Blair, wife of Tony Blair *Random Hot Whistles* - she used to trip Bruce Wayne (he cried about it too) up on his way to school and sit on him taking his dinner money; when Bruce's parents became involved she tried to force them to join the Labour Party (What assholes), it got heated and she sliced his parents heads off by nasty paper cuts as Bruce watched, this dominated Bruce's life and he therefore became a Rockefeller Republican and later backed Arnold Schwarzenegger, he also vowed to take revenge and one day breaking in on Cherie undergoing beauty treatments they struggled and she feel into a vat of boiling face cream. This actually made no difference to her appearance but she was convinced it did and vowed revenge upon Batman she became a lawyer and defended the worst of Gotham's underworld, spends most of her time in Machiavellian plots.
The Joker is widely known as a loser and is a total pariah inside the super hero /villian community. Captain America commented on The Joker: "Honestly? He's a sad, lonely little man. ( and always will be. ) He thinks he's so great becasue of his little empire, spent five minutes showing me his shower that's built into this wall * hic * that looks like a limestone cave, it's, like, an opening, and there's a big cut-out of the little mermaid on th' wall *hic* and he was going on about the trim on the skylight. I and everyone I know stopped seeing him right after he got the new lapel pin that squirts acid. And LSD in people's drinks? Not cool. That's * hic * how you treat a houseguessht? He's a danger to himself, and others."
Here is a list of Jokers :
Steve Miller - The original joker, smoker, midnight toker. Hasn't been seen since Batman defeated Wisconsin some 50 years ago.
Cesar Romero - A gay Latino dude. Not much else is known about this guy, besides his awesome (and totally visible) stache. He is also as fat as a cow.
Jack Nicholson - Having gone mad in the Coo Coos Nest, Jack breaks out his tommy gun and takes over Gotham all while trying to seduce Kim Basinger.
Mark Hamill - What the hell? The Luke Skywalker guy? ... He was the Joker? When? CONSISTENTLY FOR THE LAST FIFTEEN YEARS!?
Jared Leto - The New Coke of Jokers. He's taken way too much datura and got him self some tattoos in prison to pick up the bitches.
edit The Penguin
One of Batman's most persistent opponents is the dangerously persistent "Penguin". Born Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot, the Penguin is known for his love of birds (but who isn't, eh, eh? Know what I'm sayin'?) and high-tech umbrellas which first came to the world's attention with the murder of Georgi Markov in 1978.
Unlike many of Batman's foes, The Penguin is not insane. Nevertheless, the balance of his mind is thought to be temporarily disturbed every April following his annual fast on the Baranowski Glacier, where he balances his partner's eggs in a special pouch above his feet to insulate them from the ice. This he does for two months without food despite temperatures below -30 Celcius and winds of up to 100 mph. Throughout the summer he divides his time between attempting to steal oversize gems from the Gotham Museum and laying down stores of fat for the next breeding season by hunting for Herring and Red Snapper in Gotham Bay.
Armed with the world's only "cannibalistic umbrella" and a fleet of penguin-themed submersible vehicles, The Penguin remains a danger to both law & order and shipping. Nevertheless, Batman developed an infallible method of tracking his arch-foe's secret hide-outs. His enemy's location could be revealed in moments by employing one of the Bat-gadgets on his utility belt, the Guano-tracker. However, since September 2003 it has been unnecessary for Batman to battle The Penguin at all - partly because he has officially renounced crime, and partly because the arrival in Gotham of Leopard Seal Man and Orca-boy.
The Penguin's status as the most popular of Batman's regular adversaries is seen in the amount of merchandising available. Many bat villains have their own action-figures, most can be purchased in poster-form, but only The Penguin can be bought in packets of 9 or twelve and in a variety of flavours.
edit Mr. Freeze
Mr. Freeze is not actually a villain at all. He is actually a cute cuddly snow man found somewhere near the Democratic Republic of Congo. He was taken in by a young sheep herder who decided to sexually abuse him. Mr. Freeze was tied to a lamp post in front of the post office, and was bending over to tie his shoes when he was anally raped by a falling icicle. When turning around to see who was causing these anal fissures, he saw a man that looked like a bat. He swore revenge on this so called Batman, and came very close to destroying him but failed.
Later he became the governor of California, ironically one of the sunniest states. Known to shout one-liners pertaining to cold such as STAY COOL! and HAVE AN ICE DAY, from his ice cream truck/bulletproof SUV, he was found brutally raped and murdered by that cold guy from that Christmas movie from fucking forever ago that still for some reason to this day comes on, sometimes not even during Christmas, but we digress... He is dead and no one is sad.
edit Harley Quinn
The wife of the Joker that went and did prostitution debuted in Batman: The Animated Series Up Your Ass. Ironically, Joel Schumacher made his own Harley Quinn for lulz. That's why she became a stripper. No transvestite there. She complains and whines and jokes and etc. She commented that she was a Jew and for dying pleasure, she became a good idea for a wife to divorce and be sexy with the sex toys. Okay, that one wasn't funny. I was... Okay. Anyway, she is a gender-sized human with no sense of humor, bastardized sound system and this. As of that, Madonna betrayed the work and... Well, that didn't happen, so she died. And resurrected like Jesus Christ did. But, of course, they did Joel a thing for being a Jew and such. Uh... Yeah. The end.
edit Mr. Fees
Mr. Freeze's lawyer, specializing in freezing assets - especially Batman's. Noted for wrapping everything up in red tape, now runs most of Western civilization.
Batman's emotionally and physically scarred adversary Harvey Dent became the maniacal lawyer Two-Face after being orally raped by two men at the SAME TIME as revealed in "The Dark Knight Returns, Only to Be Raped". (That incident was rumored to be witnessed by Frank Miller.) His face was scarred after the incident because one of the men who raped him, though not revealed at the time, was actually the mutant villain Lord Acid, whose bodily fluids are all made of extremely strong acid. Lord Acid's semen got on one side of Dent's face, permanently scarring it. Two-Face suffered further mental trauma once his prized collection of 50-state quarters was stolen by The Joker in a humorous attempt to make Two-Face go that much more crazy. Batman, though reluctant to admit it, actually had to leave a fight with the Joker to rush home to the Bat-Cave to laugh for several hours after the Joker revealed this plot. It was one of only three times the Joker ever got Batman to laugh. The third time resulted in the Joker's near-demise when he attempted W.C. Fields's "Nose-Expansion" gag and nearly killed Batman with laughter. The second time, Batman read the Joker's Uncyclopedia pages about the lives of Shithead McFuck and Joe Shit the Rag Man. Batman has never recovered from his guilt at laughing at Two-Face's condition. Also loves a good fart joke. In "Batman Forever" he was played by Billy Dee Williams, this version of Two-Face had hot acid thrown on him which made half his face Caucasian. He is also in "The Dark Knight" even though he doesn't actually appear 'til like the last 7 minutes.
Oh yes, now that is a kick-ass villain. No, really! It is! Usually, he is an addict on Harley Quinn or The Riddler, but that ain't important, I'm here to be the police on the bat. Man-Bat is a bat that joins Mad Hatter for "Batman Genesis", a book of genesis, but since the project was canceled, Joel Schumacher betrayed Man-Bat for good this time! This is the rest of the damn story!
Batman hates the environment. Many of the things he does to hurt the environment are: Cut all the trees in his yard, signed a document that allowed Wayne Enterprises to dump their nuclear waste in a pond with fish, dump used condoms in Yellowstone National Park. and beat Smokey the Bear into a coma which he still hasn't come out of. Naturally Poison Ivy couldn't let this continue so she took her wonderfully fiery red pubes and eyebrow leaf mask to the Batcave to talk about it, because she's a tree-hugging hippie bitch. However, when she arrived there Batman challenged her to a sword fight as Captain Planet's new girl avatar had venomous cooties emanating from her lips and all. After the fight that lasted 13 hours, Batman beat her. Since Batman won he commanded Poison Ivy to let Robin and himself double team her in the behind, at a safe distance from her fresh green non-penis-scary-flower-thingy. Poison Ivy left in tears, and still to this days they are enemies because (to quote Poison Ivy) "he couldn't even give a reach around."
edit The Riddler
The love child of Babbs Costanza and Reba (see: IVF). Oh yeah, and he sleeps with your mom by answering this riddle, "Who fucks the penis of the mother?" and etc.
Batman himself turned to a life of masked justice after witnessing the brutal anal rape of his parents, therefore having a dual personality at the age of eight. Before the rapist could turn on him, he was saved by a low flying bat which hit the man, as revealed in "What's Wrong With Me and Why Am I Using Batman Comics To Express My Dysfunctions?" (rumored to be written by Frank Miller).
Where's my Kitty Kat. Catwoman (born Dawn Primarolo) for a number of years has been one of Batman's main enemies, turning to a life of paid sex (aka prostitucion) after being animalistically anal-raped by 23 cream-loving house cats. Mysteriously enough, Frank Miller has yet to write a comic about this event. A definite case of miaow though - notable for bad breath and wearing lots of leather catsuits, always jumping on Batman and Robin and pinning them down. They both say how wicked she is but both have children by her and she has swapped claws for clause now getting financial support for their children in the courts.
More commonly known as Clare Short, Batman has no idea why he married her - doesn't do much but moan in a strange voice. Had a bust up with Catwoman over her affair with Batman and when Catwoman called her Fatwoman, whacked Catwoman over the head with a frying pan and sat on her, however Catwoman breathed on her and her catbreath was so bad that Batwoman fell off enabling Catwoman to get on top and triumph.
Disapproving of Batman's involvement in the War in Iraq, Batwoman left Gotham at the next General Elections.
One of the few characters who was NOT anally raped. Before dabbling in the forces of not-niceness, Scarecrow, aka Dr. Jonathon Crane, was a college professor who taught some biology-related subjects. However, in the movie "Batman Starts it Up", he was fired for a combination of habitually parking in the dean's handicapped spot and for knocking up one of his graduate students. Since then, he's become of one Gotham's most prolific mass murderers. He kills his victims by tricking them to "pull his straw", thus releasing his "Feared Gas", a noxious, poisonous, terrifying gas that strikes fear in the hearts of all men.
In his formative years, he was picked on by his entire school for having a gangly body and for wondering why people laughed at Peewee Herman. You can guess what eventually happened to them. He will also brutally rape you in the ass if you make a Wizard of Oz wisecrack. Just ask Catwoman. He also considers Silent Hill to be a, "Nice place to unwind,".
Although not anally raped in Earth-One, in Earth-Two he was anally raped by a scarecrow.
edit Killer Croc
His real name Waylon Smithers. He is a lifelong sufferer of that skin-condition that causes your skin to become hard, scaly and green. Coincidentally, he also suffers from gigantism, super strength disorder, fang syndrome, and a potty mouth. Killer Croc is only somewhat notable for being Batman's only black villain. Somehow he is more notable for being one of several green ones.
Long before he was leading countless celebutards to Hell, Lord Xenu was one of Batman's most fearsome foes. When Batman's childhood friend was tricked into joining the Church of Scientology which caused him to become bat fuck insane, Batman led an attack on the Church's headquarters. After a fierce, year-long battle, Batman defeated Xenu by throwing him into a Volcano causing him to expire. He returned many years later in human form. Although he never anally raped Batman it is strongly hinted at in leaked memoirs that Xenu had an affinity for Batman, due to the fact that he suffered from being a homosexual. After his brief stint on the 'Batman' reality show, he teamed up with David Lynch (later dubbed the Dynamic Duo) and starred in his debut film 'Eraserhead'.
edit Mad Hatter
A weird yet somehow awesome computer programmer from Oxford with an awesome hat. He kidnaps young girls (Mainly Blondes) and invites them over for mad tea parties(With drugged tea)They are unconscious when his fun really begins. He loves Alice in Wonderland and anything to Do with Lewis Carroll. He also has a pretty strong hat fetish.
edit Batman look-alikes
Many over the years have tried to imitate the style of Bruce Wayne. The most famous of cases was the notorious picture of Pope John Paul II taken over what was later admitted to be a "wild weekend in Vegas." This image can be found here. The costume was supposedly created by Hell's Angels members in Vegas who wanted to pay their tribute to the Pope.
He-Man once came to earth from a planet called Eternia in the hopes of shoving a magic sword given to him by some Sorceress, called the Sorceress up Batman's ass. He-Man was a seemingly unstoppable warrior whose mother was of earthly origin, and many babbled on about his invincibility, claiming that he was the most powerful man in the universe. When He-Man finally attempted to shove the sword up Batman's ass, the Dark Knight used a gadget in his utility belt to shave the blonde hair off of the so-called Most Powerful Man in the Universe. He-Man was sent back to Eternia through some black hole, and has not been heard from by earthlings since.
However, He-Man is still seeking revenge against the Batman, because the Dark Knight called him a ruthless, cowardly barbarian.
edit Big Ears
Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair discovered that former District attorney Harvey Kent had, after a promising beginning of being idolized by all his people, cracked under the pressure, raised taxes, started to resort to methods as immoral as those he opposed before giving into his bitterness and deciding people's very fates with the flip of coin. Feeling this was blatant plagiarism; Blair vowed he would not rest until Two Face was destroyed. Taking on the name Big Ears, Blair waged a gang war that almost tore Gotham City in two. Eventually, Batman had no choice but to call on George Bush to sort the crisis out. However, Bush being Bush, his policy was, "nuke em all and let Gawd sort em out!" Bush proceeded to fire an H Bomb onto Two Face and Blair's location while Batman, believing his end was nigh, confessed his secret love of all things pink and fluffy. Fortunately, the bomb was Iranian made so upon a direct hit with Gotham its only effects included a slight citywide stomach upset and few exploding nuns.
edit Music Meister
By far, Batman's most fearsome enemy, Music Meister is so powerful, even Darkseid pales in comparison to him. Born the illegitimate son of Madonna and Robin Williams's evil twin, Music Meister's main power is his singing voice, which he can use to make people to burst into random song and dance.
edit Professor Pyg
By far, the most BIZARRO enemy of the Batman. Not only do his actions speak bizarre, i.e. mutilates people and turns them into zombie dolls, but also speaks in complete what-the-fuckery. I'm sorry, I can't be goofy around him. He makes himself look weird! I am trying, but this...bizarre lard of fat just does it himself. What do you expect from Grant Morrison, sanity!?
edit The Anti Batman
Christian theologians (particularly since Lex Luther's Protestant Reformation), have long postulated the existence of an Anti-Batman. Some say the Anti-Batman would have to be a child of criminals who were unjustly gunned down by the police, or the child of some criminals that were justly gunned down by the police. Other's insist the anti bat would have to be a millionaire who killed his own parents, like Hush or Black Mask. Historically though, the Catholic Church teaches that any criminal who rejects Batman from their hearts and answers help wanted ads for the mob, is the anti-bat.
Theoretical physicists on the other hand insist the anti Batman must be from a parallel anti matter universe where all the good guys are bad guys and the bad guys are good guys, and where the anti heroes are the anti villains, and vice versa. However statistically the closest thing to an anti-batman is Batzarro the world's worst detective over at the other end of the bell curve. Batzarro shot his parents in order to avenge the natural death of his dog Ace, whom had not in fact run away from home while he was away at summer camp, like those cold blooded murderers had said.
edit Bat-See Also