Bat-Hound
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“I am a Nazi.”
~ Oscar Wilde on his imitation of Ace
“'Noof sed.”
~ Stan Lee on his "Nazi" creation
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Ace the Bat-Hound (born Archie Squarpants) was the brainchild of Spongebob Squarepants and Patrick Star. He is actually a grue. He and Bob Kane were killed by Larry King for being on his lawn.
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[edit] Ze Erly Yeers
At a Nazi Convention in Germany Stan Lee, a spork, Bob Kane, and Batman met to discuss a new idea. "So I vas walking mein Zhemun Shepard, und I had dis idea ov a superhero doog, eet could be like ze Batman ya?", proposed Stan "Girly Face" Lee. "Ya und he could have ze super humping!" exclaimed the spork. "Und ze doggie nippels, it vil look good on heem," said Batman. "Und heez muder could be zat Spoongaibob sqrarepants," said Bob Kane laying down an idea. They gave the idea to God who ran the Nazi convention. He liked the idea and decided to write and draw it. Nickelodeon heard of this new hero and his parenthood and got the right to it. They released Ace the Bat-Hound #1: The Troublesome Hydrent. This sold well with retarded monkeys and Amy Winehouse. With the success of the comic went right back to God. God released Ace Ze Bat-Hund #1. This was sucessful because it had realistic descriptions of: Sporks, whores, pokemon, God, Robin, Bat-Nipples, Nazis, Communists, You, violence, AIDS, Superheroes, kittens, sausages, Sam Raimi, blood, the #1 symbol, Jason Vorhees, Bat-Mite, Alan Moores's beard, and martians. God wrote and drew 50 of the 49 issues that were made of Ace's ongoing series.
Hitler made a mini series called Ace Bat-Hund: Forever Nazi, in which Ace was depicted as being more human and smart. This sold through 666 printings and the colectable limited edition Oscar Wilde foil covers. Stan Lee detested God's version of Bat-Hund (I eenjoy heez work boot ze Bat-Hund eez not very good een mai opinion," explained Stan). Batman only complained once ("They only poot ze doog-nippels on heem eein eessue eins..", said Batman). Spork and Bob Kane both enjoyed the sucess ("Vee loove eet, eet has broot us many soocsses!" replied Spork and Kane in a recent interview). Nazis had to say other things ("He eesn'y eeven a Nazee, he acts like a superhero, he ees suppose to be a Nazee," said Nazis at a recent convention). After hearing this God, Stan, Batman, Bob, and Spork created a similar more Nazi-type dog ("Zeee..Über-Hund," they all said upon revealing the character). Ze Über-Hund was a success and lasted 42 issues, with God making the 42 issues out of 45 issues made. Ze Über-Hund #1 contained deep descriptions of: Bat-Hund, Übermensch, gays, Shakespeare, Stanley Lieber, Nazis, Hilter, Monty Python, Spider-Mensch, Germany, Iceland, Krypton, Your Mom, and Hell. God enjoyed his success and retired from the business to become Pooh's right hand Nazi man. Ace sick of Über-Hunds success landed a trip to the 58 countries of UN (United Norris) when he was 2 months old.
[edit] American Soldier
In the UN Ace got a new series, Ace the Bat-Hound: with Batman. This featured a teamup with Batman and his boytoy Robin. This series blew through the roof, it was a big hit.In the UN Ace learned how to speak English. The series went on for the next 100 years. This comic sparked the animated Bat-Hound Forever, which included the original Ace designs with the Dog Nipples. This series was created by Joel Schumacher, with designs by Bruce Timm. Batman endorsed this 2 episode series because it went by his original designs. In April, 23 1945 Ace went to the great Human vs. Kitten War on the side of kittens with his friend Marvin J. Finkerbottom.
On the battlefield he met Gay Aiken, Charlie Brown, and Used Underwearman. Gay Aiken liked Ace, while Ace did not like him back. This strange thing sparked the outing of Aiken, thinking that Ace would like him then. Ace merely avoided Aiken to hang with Charlie and Marvin. Aiken got shot on the battlefield, which was unnoticed since he was dead to begin with. Ace shot down many Humans on the glorious day of Halloween exept for Michael Myers. Also on that day Marvin found out his father Keanu Reeves joined "The Injuice Society". Ace met with God on the last day of the Kitten-Won War. "I want to talk to you about the Avengers Initiative," said God to Ace, Ace accepted the membership. Used Uderwearman also joined the Avengers after God asked him. Two days later Ace and Underwearman (he changed his underwear) went to the Avengers Tower. There he met his first "true" girlfriend...
[edit] Towers and Heartbreaks
..She-Hulk. She-Hulk was very beautiful to Ace. Ace really wanted to display his new "Super-Duper Hump" to She-Hulk. They went out but nothing serious. They couldn't do anything because, well, they just couldn't. Besdides She-Hulk was in love with her brother, cousin, and pimp The Hulk. Ace was sad that he couldn't have She-Hulk, but he went on fighting Madonna, Ultron, Venom, Mario, Justice League, Stunt Dummies, Nazis, and Bruce Campbell. He thought his fellow teammates were nice especially The Amazing Fiber-Man, Cable the Larry Guy, and Deadpool. Ace spent time with his brother Superman. Superman told Ace about his other, Keanu Reeves, and their son Marvin J. Finkerbottom, which Ace was surprised to hear. Superman was the butler there replacing Edward Jarvis who became the new Wonder Woman.
At that time in Ace's comic it was written by a spoon and drawn by Oscar Wilde. At that time the series had 5 Eisners and a ban in China because it looked delicious. Ace once got raped by a symbiote, end of story. That symbiote never called back and was charged for so. The Avengers entered the Great War on Stupidity, on the side of The Bush Administation against The Iraqi Sandpeople. It was the Ninth inning and The Sandpeople were losing, the Justice League went to help. Now it was Marvel vs. DC. Ace knowing his calling went to the Sandpeople/DC side. Furious She-Hulk ripped Iron Man in half.Martian Manhunter welcomed him with open arms. They fought but the Bush side won and celebrated by planting "Weapons of Mass Destruction" on the Sandpeoples' premisis. The Avengers were really happy that day.
[edit] Justice
Ace liked the Justice League with all the strange people. As a Justice Leaguer he met the owner, Stan Lee. Stan Lee was surprised to see his "favorite Nazi creation". Stan still had the German accent though ("Heelo Ace ze Bat-Hund, how are vou todeey?") Stan was the nicest transvestite on the team, unfortunetly he went to work for the Avengers. To replace him was Ace's brother Superman. Superman led them to The Kitten vs. Human War which is different than the Human vs. Kitten War as now the kittens are evil little bastards. So the league chose the kitten side ("because they are just cute!") The kittens won duhhh. The Humans suffering severe casualties so they rehired Bush for the job. Bush went after all kitten-supporters. The League got hit hard, and Ace almost died. Seeing as his life was at a risk Ace retired.
