Bassoon
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“NO, IT'S NOT A FUCKING OBOE!”
~ Any bassoonist on their instrument
The bassoon is a musical instrument invented in 1615 by the Italian genius Leonardo da Vinci. No other instrument was judged irritating enough to keep the birds and the Nomads away. It has since fallen out of agricultural use with the advent of the bagpipes. Now it is only used in rare cases (when there are no bagpipes) in Iran, Sweden and Burkina Faso to scatter regime-critical demonstrations, and to torture political prisoners.
Apart from torture, the bassoon is vital for survival on isolated islands when stranded. The bassoon can be used to scare off predators, make a long lasting fire and make such loud noises it has the ability to notify any personal in a twenty mile radius. Notably, it is why the characters in the TV show Lost have not been found yet.
Bassoonists are basically good-natured, outwardly apparently sensitive to light and withdrawn, but quaint and whimsical, and funny when with friends. With advancing age they become quite gray. Their bassoon is their bride--once the Overture is over, they look forward to the 5th Act when they have a measure-long solo to play. Oh, and they also RULE THE EARTH.
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[edit] Specs
The bassoon is known for its lovingly soothing "fart" sounds and its ability to knock out any head it comes in contact with. It is approximately 3/10 of a league long and weighs about 2 stones. If thrown correctly (known as "perfect pitch") it has a range of .0000168165 nAU and does 2d4 damage. It is configured in a modified reverse topological cylindrical mode, also known as the 'bong' shape. In fact many people use the bassoon as a bong because they are too high to tell the difference.
[edit] History
Legend has it that the renowned Mr. Heckel was partaking of the marijuana one night, and, finding his shoelaces to be hilarious, snorted into his bong. The resulting sound brought into being a new instrumental family.
However, Dr. Alan Alda's groundbreaking work[1] has debunked the Heckel origin story, and confirmed da Vinci as the instrument's creator to all but the most determined Heckelian partisans.
The Bassoon has often been cited as better than the oboe because of its relatively long burning time. It can also contain more beer than any other orchestral woodwind instrument. This also accounts for various sorts of gin and whiskey.
During the great Orchestral Wars, the bassoon took a key role as leader of the famous "Wind Band", which led the fight against the repression of other instruments by flutes and strings. Naturally, its belligerent superiority allowed the bassoon to overcome the obstacles without much of a challenge, culminating in the liberation of the Mountain King with the help of a crack team of tromboners. However, it is interesting to note that, after the war, it became illegal to sell a bassoon with a pointed stick on the end, and so the design was changed to incorporate a bell on the end. Most bassoonists live in the savannah, but ascend to higher altitudes during Spring, including the spoleto and the brevard.
[edit] Instrumental Family
The Bassoon is the most well-known member (if one can call it well-known when nobody recognizes what you're carrying and asks if its a tuba or an oboe or something stupid like that), however there are many other related instruments, similar in 'sound' but varying in pitch.
- dessertspoon in Fb
- B flat Splatoon
- Babboon in D
- Tenoroon in Eb
- Sopranooon in Db
- Altooon in Bb, Ab, G, F#, H, C#, Db, E and G#
- Sopraninooon in E
- Baritoneoon in H
- Buffoon in C
- Shatner's Bassoon (Brass instrument)
- Contrabassoon
- Subcontrabassoon
- Infracontrabassoon (with waffle cone or chocolate fudge)
- Farting Bedpost
- Octo-sub-contra-whopper-bass-soon (sounding an octave lower than a black hole)
- Oooooooooooooooooooon (no audible sound, but drives household pests crazy)
- Harpoon (a harp played backwards with the toes, leaving the hands free to finger a bassoon concealed in the pillar)
- tromboon
- typhoon
- Octo-Sub-Hyper-double-contra-bass-soon in BBBBBBb ( sound range is negative 9000Hz to 20hz.)
There is also an electronic variant of the bassoon called bossanova.
[edit] Notable Musicians
- Stephen colbert
- Aretha Franklin
- Flapjack
- your mom
PS. Oboes are much worse than bassoons!
[edit] Notable Literature
As nobody in their right mind would play the bassoon, there is no actual music written for this 'instrument.' Instead, Flute and Clarinet pieces are rewritten with the Bass Clef (not to be confused with the Bass Clef or the Tuna Clef), and retitled with Bassoon appropriately.
- Tell a Man's Song Atta in F
- Moe Zart - Concertoes
- B. Spears - Oops i did it again (Arranged)
- Let's Go Bassooning!
- Duffels McMauzer - Musical Farts in D minor
- Maria Carl von Weber - Hungarian Fantasies
- Mao Zedong - Riot Control Sonata in G minor
- Super Mario Theme song
- Ok...there are no other pieces but we need to fill up space to make ourselves look important.
- Incantation and Dance (tacet)
- ???
- Profit!
[edit] Fun Facts
- Bassoonists often die young due to pressure from their reeds while playing. They also tend to hold in their farts while playing, sending the gas up their spine and into their brain.
- Also, a bassoon is incredibly dangerous and has killed by the impalation of the bocal through a person's neck.
- Bassoonists form very tight social bonds with other bassoonists because they are far too exclusive to mingle with other instruments.
- Bassooners often die young because of the pressure they expose their brain to while playing.
- Despite the bassoons odd sound and look, it is exactly 13.87 times better than the oboe and a total of 13,359.34 times better than the viola
- Bassooners have to work hard not to burp while playing. A bassoonist's burp is one of the most destructive things in band (outside of a tuba fart).
- Darth Vader was a bassoonist, but only when portrayed by Hayden Christensen. Lord Vader was a bass trombonist when portrayed by the infinitely more manly David Prowse.
- Bassoonists incessantly crow their reeds in social situations in order to annoy the other instrumentalists. While bassoonists have not yet figured out that the crowing noise is irritating to others, studies have shown that other instrumentalists just don't understand why the crow is important.
- The bassoon has actively been used as a rocket-launcher in hard times.
- The main reason bassoons kill is for the hell of it, besides, those saxophones had it coming.
- Bassoonists have wet dreams about thumb keys. Note: no other instrumentalists are able to have this fetish.
- P.D.Q. Bach is the only composer to ever write a serious work for bassoon, however upon discovery of such work, the Pope had him excommunicated and subsequently burned at the steak. Sadly, this caused the steak to have an awful flavor causing a Mass Riot which resulted in the burning of every copy of P.D.Q Bach's work. The riot was successfully stopped by P.D.Q. Bach himself by playing Mao Zedong's Riot control sonata. The pope, still entirely upset by this affair did the right thing and had P.D.Q. Bach burned along with his bassoon to the rejoicing of the formerly riotous masses.
[edit] Links
[edit] References
- ↑ Alda, Alan, Double Reeds and Naughty Deeds: The History of the Bassoon, 1958, Cambridge University Press
| Band Class |
| Flute- Clarinet- Oboe - Saxophone- Trumpet - French Horn - Bassoon - Trombone - Euphonium - Tuba - Drummer - Xylophone - Cowbell |
