The Bass Offender Checklist

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Name of Offender (Bass Player):_______________________
Infraction Date:___________________________
Musical Offenses
   Playing loudly during warm up $10
   Sound-checking amp with funk slapping $25
   Loud cursing after mistake $10
   Playing high and fast after mistake $20
   Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes $20
   Asking for "E" tuning note $25
   Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb $50
   Playing written-out walking line $50
   Failure to play written walking line $75
   Writing note names over ledger-line notes $50
   Writing beat numbers under dotted figures $50
   Playing eighth notes $5 each
   Playing sixteenth notes $10 each
   Playing above 1st octave Immediate dismissal
   Dragging fast tempo $75
   Dragging ballad tempo $100
   Blacking out during ballad $200
   Ignoring drummer's tempo $100
   Following drummer's tempo $250
   Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me $1000
Upright Players
   Showing up before first downbeat $25
   Playing audibly $25
   Faking changes $25
   Slapping $150
   Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass $25
   Excessive sweating $25
   Pedal point double-stops during horn solo $50
   Asking leader for a solo $30
   Accepting solo when offerred $50
   Taking second chorus $100
   Playing solo arco $400
   Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune $100
   Playing "A Train" ending on every tune $200
   Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune $500
Electric Players
   Checking hair between tunes $15
   Experimenting with odd meters $25
   Missing root at end of blistering fill $25
   Playing with a pick $50
   Tuning during ballad $30
   Playing Jaco groove on samba $75
   Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad $150
   Attempting last word on final chord $50
   Achieving last word on final chord $100
   Long gliss down to final note $200
Equipment Violations
   Forgetting strap $10
   Changing strings after every set $15
   Using electric tuner $15
   Setting up mic "just in case" $75
   Forgetting to turn amp on $40
   Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50
   Asking horn player for help moving amp $25
   Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4
   Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass
   Skull decals on bass $150
   Bringing fretless bass $500
Criminal Bad Taste
   Telling bone player about all the gigs you get $10
   Asking bone player about their day gig $10
   Sitting behind drums on break $10
   Quoting "Birdland" $25
   Practicing scales during break $25
   Practicing scales during drum solo $50
   Practicing $150
   Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..." $50
   Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing" $100
Basic Stupidity
   Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
   Wearing new Nickelback tour shirt $20
   Asking when the rock set starts $20
   Continually asking "Where are we?" $25
   Continually shouting "Yeah!" $25
   Asking bone player where "1" is $50
   Taking cell phone call during 4's $100

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