From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The bass voice is the lowest human vocal type on earth. It ranges from C2 - C4 usually, but contrabass can go so far below, that sometimes the frequency produced can no longer be heard and can only be measured on the richter scale.
edit Discovering a bass voice
On reaching puberty, a bass will notice that somehow he got more of it than his peers. Everyone will notice. And this will make him feel very confident and manly. He might take up extreme sports of some sort just to prove this manliness to everybody else.
A true bass will therefore become smug and sing often as deep as he can at any opportunity. As he matures, all kinds of musicians will ask him if he is interested in joining their death metal band; and since death metal is such manly music, a bass will not turn down the offer.
edit Basses are manly men
You cannot tell a bass singer by the way he looks; they come in all shapes and sizes, and contrary to popular belief, they may also be gay. Basses can be tiny or they can be 7 feet tall like Peter Steele from Type O Negative.
One thing that is common to them all, however, is that they know they have a voice that can literally sink ships and this makes them very proud because they realize that they are drowning in their own testosterone. A true bass may adopt a macho swagger to tell all the other men that he is such a manly, manly man.
There is something about a really deep voice that commands respect, take Christopher Lee for example. His bass voice gives him instant authority and importance that nobody can ignore even despite him being several centuries old.
edit Truly Deep
Bass singers take such immense pride in their 'lower-than-thou' voices that some even train themselves to sing higher just to spite the baritone wanna-bes who try every day but fail to sing bass.
These so-called bass-baritones have seriously sick vocal ranges and will show off by going from normal baritone singing to vocally oblitterating the nearest building with decimating sound waves of around 9.8 on the Richter scale.
A common baritone who deluded himself into believing that he has a deep voice (normally because his usual company is his wife/girlfriend/mom so he is used to hearing a higher pitch as comparison), will break into a cold sweat upon hearing the void shattering bass notes, suddenly feel inadequete, and start to cry for his mother.
Nobody knows why alcohol or deep fried foods gives you a deeper voice though; but it probably is due to the decrease in SHBG production by the liver. This in turn increases levels of the free non SHBG bound testosterone.The higher then normal free testosterone levels exert androgenic effects throughout the body including the vocal chords.
Basses are predominantly found working in scrubby jobs like mining and working in docks. This is because manual labor gives them bigger lung capacity and bigger muscles. You also find a lot of basses in the military. In fact vocal type it is one of the questions on military application forms. A recruitment officer will usually overlook a criminal record if the applicant is a bass. Also, you are guaranteed a place in the Stoke City starting 11 if you are a bass. However, if they do not have a laboring job or are a member of the armed forces, basses will spend a lot of time lifting weights, cars, busses, tractors, ships...
edit Basses in the music industry
A true bass only has operatic value as the bad guy. This is their only role. Most operatic basses come from Russia as a matter of fact...
Outside of opera, however, basses are in demand by all genres of heavy metal; particularly in the death metal sub genre, who are sick of cheap baritone imitations that only growl and cannot plunge into those dark, soul rending abyssal depths. One very successful bass singer is Till Lindemann from the German metal band Rammstein. This manly, manly genre of music requires bass voices. A Viking Metal band would be nowhere without the voice of Thor rattling the stage and destroying the mic.
Other avenues for basses include barbershop and Gospel; although in these departments, the bass will not be used to his fullest potential. Heavy metal is where it is at for a bass.
Basses can also be Barry White or that type of womaniser. Deep bass voices are known to attract women; particularly if you are a black guy. Paul Robeson was another black guy that sang bass, as is the chocolate rain guy, Tay Zonday.