Bass
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So the bass, "bass-ically" is an excuse to do nothing for a band and still get to play with them. Bassists are some of the most annoying people you will probably ever meet, which is probably why they get so much abuse from the lead guitarist (who is the only one in any garage band ever to know how to read music, if anyone in the band does). They have little to no talent, never show up to practice, and don't even bother to play well at gigs. Then at the end of the day, they make the same amount of money as the guitarist who practices 46 hours a day, writes all the music, schedules band practices and books shows. Which would you choose?
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[edit] The Real Story
Any seasoned bassist will know what it takes to be a bassist. It takes a lot of skill. And I don't mean musical skill. I mean the skills that allow you to lie your ass off for very, very long periods of time. Every band needs a bassist. They pretend to keep the beat, but blame any mistakes on the drummer. However, the whole "Bassists are just lazy goof-offs" is a misconception that has been around since the beginning of your coffee break. You can't spell "bass" without "ass", however, it would be pronounced "ace". One example is the bassist from the band "Gorillaz". The band themselves are very talented, but the bassist, Murdoc, tends to lie around in his loose baggy pants showing his ass, rubbing his nipples, and smoking your moms cigs. He plays a few strings and then leaves. He provides a deep, retarded tremble that gives you headaches. He is a typical bassist.
[edit] History of the Conspiracy
A really, really, really, really looooooong time ago, probably around 1930, the electric bass was invented. It sounded nice, was easier to carry around than those big old wooden jobs, and was easier to play than the guitar. People liked the sound of it. People began to place pressure on the bassists to play really well, everywhere they went. Everywhere you go, if you were carry an electric bass, people expected a song. It was totally ridiculous. Soon, many popular bassists cracked under the pressure. They went into hiding. They would never go anywhere with the bass. They refused to practice in case a wandering passer-by somehow heard them playing. They would appear to play shows and that was it. Because of this, they steadily became worse and worse bass players, and the other band members were forced to write very, very simple parts that the bassists could learn in a few seconds. Soon, people forgot how good bassists were. The idea that "every bassist is a shitty slacker" became common knowledge. The next generation of popular bassists liked to keep it that way. Why?
[edit] Why
Because we wanted it that way. We wanted no one to take us seriously. I mean, think about it, man! You never had to "practice", or do "work". You just needed to know how to play a walking bass line. Any retard can do that. Seriously. This kept our work load to a minimum and our chick-intake to a maximum. We were on Easy Street, if Easy Street had four strings and an ongoing parade of groupies, 24/7. Being a bassist is one of the easiest way to enjoy life. Seriously, man.
[edit] Bassic Schedule
This is what I do, every single day, and I make 5 figures playing bass for a crappy indie band. I don't even like the music that we play, but, whatever, man!
- 8:00 AM: Be asleep
- 8:00 AM - 10:00 AM: Continue to be asleep.
- 10:30 AM: Wake up. Have breakfast. Maybe a cappuccino, if you have enough money to buy one at Starbucks. Hopefully you didn't spend all of it on bitches and hoes.
- 11:30 AM: Go back home, sleep off the cappuccino.
- 12 PM: Band Practice starts. Continue sleeping.
- 1:30 PM: Go to a museum. Despite appearances, bassists pride themselves on being intellectual, competent, aware people. The only downside is that they can't express this, ever. Then they would have to do work. Pssh.
- 3:00 PM: Band Practice is over, one of the saddest moments of the day. When you realize that the band practice you have been avoiding is over. You no longer have an adrenaline rush. Oh well, though.
- 4:30 PM: Band prepares for a gig. DO NOT PREPARE FOR A GIG; This is a rookie mistake. Preparing for a gig will actually make you sound good. That means more highlighting the bass. That means more parts. And that means more practice. Not my cup o' joe.
- 6:00 PM: The gig. Show up finally. Maybe be fashionably late by, like, 1 or 2 hours. This always gets the fans excited. Hell, the mosh pit will have probably already started before you even take the stage. This strategy seems to work very well for Guns 'N' Roses.
- 8:30 PM: Gig is over. Not much to say here. Just go backstage, get your drugs, and prepare for what comes next...
- 9:00 PM - 1:00 AM: Hang around the room the drummer has the groupies in and try to snag a few as they stumble out.
Then you repeat the process the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, well, you get the point.
[edit] More About Bassists
Bass players have the misconceived notion that they are actually important. They claim that they are the "foundation of the band," but they are usually inaudible and/or mixed out of the song by the lead singer/guitarist without their knowledge. If they ever found out, they would probably have some sort of emotional breakdown or seizure, since they are often mentally unstable.
Bassists have often been hospitalized with repetitive motion injuries caused by playing the same note for 90 minutes straight during live gigs. When this happens, the rest of the band replaces them on stage with a crash test dummy or roadie and no one seems to notice, or perhaps no one cares.
[edit] The Exceptions
Now, I know what you are thinking. There are popular bassists who are actually good, and probably make more money than you. Well, think about it. No bassist is popular because they are good. Take Roger Waters for instance. He is probably one of the most recognizable bassists around. Well, why? It's because he is also one of the most recognizable douchebags around. What about the Red Hot Chili Peppers, you say? Yes, Flea is the "best bassist ever", because it is not often that you see a bassist who can perform nude, upside down, wearing a skeletal suit, and jump around at the same time, while playing bass.
There are only eight people in the world who are actually good bassists: Murdoc Niccals, Les Claypool, Geddy Lee, Geezer Butler, John Entwistle, Jaco Pastorius, Cliff Burton, and Victor Wooten/Marcus Miller/Stanley Clarke (all essentially the same person). Nothing more to be said on the matter.
[edit] Bass Solos
Remember, they want to have as little to do as possible, but some people seem to think they should do something. If called to perform a solo, the bassist is called upon to do a number of things correctly. In preparation, buy a highly priced bass and run it through a terrible amp. Make sure you have no sustain. When your solo comes up, play stupidly fast and instead of plucking like you know, and randomly smack the strings on random frets. Do this until people realize you're not going to do anything new, and the lead guitar comes back in. (Also remember to turn up the lead guitar so they sound much louder and more important than you.) If done correctly, you'll never be asked for a solo again!
[edit] In Conclusion
Bass is an important part of dance music and buddhist yoga industry - it is used for meditation and "mind blank" spells for D&D spellcasters (who are always known to carry the mp3 of Herd & Fitz's Can't Get Enough on their Ipods, since it boosts their Spellcasting skill up to +3). Miraculously, you can't really think (and/or worry) under the effect of bass (not the brain-scrapping feeling of the overdriven/distorted bass drum in us hardhouse/jumpstyle/gabber - respectively -20 to Concentration and Spellcasting). If you like rock, forget about the bass; but if you're into mind-altering stuff like ecstasy, cheese cakes or classic house music - you've found the holy grail in the bassline.
[edit] Famous Bass Players
[edit] Infamous Bass Players
[edit] See also
[edit] External links
Complete Bass Guitar Tutorial Free bass lessons Something every bass player should read
