Basketball

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{{Q|Life is like a basketball, it has it's ups and downs, except for life is hard and basketball is boring, and is completely controlled by people who are taller,black,and make more money than you|Captain Obvious|Basketball}}
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[[Image:Soa.JPG|thumb|right|320px|[[Socrates]] (left) and [[Testiclēs‎]] prepare to go "one-on-one." Their "homies" gather in the ''agora'' and propose wagers on the outcome.]]
  +
'''Basketball''' is a popular [[sport]] played by two teams of five players, their agents, publicists, and a gaggle of salary-cap [[lawyer]]s.
   
{{Q|Basketball... hmm, I still have no idea how they came up with that name!|Oscar Wilde}}
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The objective is to win with a spherical game piece called the [[ping-pong]] [[ball]]. After clinching the division's worst record with a winter full of [[egotism]], poor [[team]] play, crossed signals, and horrible shooting, the team that prevails hopes to obtain a ping-pong ball that gives it the right to [[American beer|draft]] one or more competent players. It then prepares for the next season, playing an odd sport with a much larger [[rubber]] ball.
   
{{Q|SHARON!!!!!!!!|[[Ozzy Osbourne]] on Basketball}}
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The sixteen teams that fail to get access to the ping-pong ball are relegated to a more boring pastime called the Championships.
   
'''Basketball''' is one one of the world's great churches.It is divided into two main sects, the Blacks and foreigners. It is a sin to drink or do drugs or steroids.
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==Basketball Judiciary==
  +
[[Image:carrottop-at-2007-all-star-weekend-2-17-07.jpg|thumb|left|A typical basketball player.]]
  +
Basketball is played in a place called the "court." This is not a court-of-[[law]], except when you [[rape]] a maid, get in a knife-fight downtown at two in the morning before the day of a big game, or bring a [[gun]] into the locker room.
   
[[Image:Soa.JPG|thumb|left|Basketball was invented in ancient Greece.]]
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The basketball court has both a bar and a bench. Excluding the bar up on the luxury level, the bar is along one of the long sides of the court. A large number of court recorders sit at the bar to transcribe everything that happens in court. There are three men dressed in black and white who run up and down the court. These are essentially the bailiffs. The [[judge]] is the one wearing the gold glitter and sequins. He sings one or two [[national anthem]]s to bring the court into session, then leaves the proceedings to his bailiffs. He has no gavel.
[[Image:carrottop-at-2007-all-star-weekend-2-17-07.jpg|thumb|right|A typical basketball player.]]
 
Basketball churches are called "courts" and can be found in every city in the world except [[Buenos Aires]] and [[Tel Aviv]].
 
   
The Basketball Church is led by "The Black Person". Current Black Person [[LeBron James]] has served since the death of previous Commissioner [[JFK|John Fitzgerald Kennedy]] on May 29, [[1337]]. Kennedy was preceded by Church founder Josef Stalin. "Players" serve as missionaries for the Church and all Church activities are controlled by "Officials" who receive their instructions directly from The Commissioner or have them read to them by one of the several hundred "sportscasters" who receive messages directly from God in the grounds at the bottom of emptied cups of Dunkin' Donuts coffee (except in Seattle, of course). watching basketball is as almost exciting as watching someone study cause scoring is meaningless and too easy that you do it 100 times.
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==Basketball religion==
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[[File:Kernel-slam-dunk.jpg|right|thumb|200px|[[Kentucky]]'s [[Colonel Sanders]] invented not only the "slam-dunk" but the bucket of 20 chicken wings to endear himself to the nation's [[Negro]] population.]]
  +
Although "basketball" does not end in "ism," it is one of the world's Great Religions, just like [[Judaism]], [[Catholicism]], and [[Satanism]]. It is not like [[Scientology]] and [[Alcoholics Anonymous]], which do not end in "ism" either.
   
[[File:Kernel-slam-dunk.jpg|left|thumb|200px|Colonel Sanders was not a very well known basketball player]]
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Many city-dwellers worship in the church of basketball. They attend services not just on Sunday but sometimes on weeknights.
Basketball does not end in "ism" and yet is one of the world's Great Religions like [[Judaism]], [[Catholicism]] and [[Satanism]] and not like [[Scientology]] and [[Alcoholics Anonymous]], which are really just cults. Even though these are cults and don't end in "ism" and the other Great Religions that aren't cults do end in "ism" it's really just a coincidence.
 
   
== History ==
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The great popularity of basketball is because anyone can play it without investing in a lot of expensive gear. All the player needs is:
[[Image:St_aquinas_friars_1952.jpg|right|thumb|200px|The Fightin' Friars' 1952 Championship Lineup]]
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*A pair of $300 [[Nike]] fashion shoes with hydraulic heels that don't last more than two days if you play on concrete
  +
*A certified official [[NBA]] jersey with the name and number of a famous local player, discarded and replaced when he signs for more money on the other coast
  +
*A cap with hologram logo that you can wear backward
  +
*Therapeutic braces to protect those fragile ACLs and MCLs in your knees.
   
Basketball was invented in 1847 by the Ku Klux Klan, who were unaware of just how good black people would be at the game. Upon discovering this, many Klansmen committed suicide, while many simply boycotted the game and others even submitted to the larger black folks and just took punishment in the buttocks (the Klansmen throughly enjoyed that). Players and fans alike failed to notice the sharp decrease in white 'players' warming the benches.
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===Priests of the basketball church===
  +
Currently, [[LeBron James]] is the high priest of basketball. In the past, Bill Walton was even higher. The church's representative on earth is the Commissioner, who obviously takes orders from James.
   
It is generally accepted by the residents of Springfield, Massachusetts that the first Basketball Court was established in Springfield, Massachusetts sometime around eighteen thirty-something or forty-something as the only real reason for Springfield, Massachusetts to exist at all. Some scholars dispute this, pointing to a 1742 Scottish advertisement for a demonstration of "Basket-Bladder," which shows a drawing of two young men jumping after an airborne sheep's bladder. Springfield, Massachusetts residents argue that this was merely a callous attempt by local shepherd Callum McIntyre to create a market for the sheep's bladders that were piling up in his barn. "Bladderines," as supporters of the McIntyre position like to call themselves, point out, as they nod toward the Catholics and wink, that this would not be the only Great Religion that was started as way to move excess inventory. The argument continues until you get tired of hearing it and walk away. So let's do that. Ok, walking away now.
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Players are the church's missionaries, spreading its [[gospel]] onto city streets and into housing projects. Church activities are controlled by Officials who receive their instructions directly from the Commissioner. The [[layman]] receives guidance by several hundred members of the clergy called sportscasters.
   
Other scholars - see, we didn't walk away fast enough - argue that a "ball game" played by Inca warriors was the first instance of worship of the Great Basketball God. Critics point to the fact that the rules of the "ball game" have not survived and no one can know if they genuinely worshipped or were just trying not to get disemboweled. (Disembowelment was eliminated as a player inducement with the settlement of the Oscar Robertson Lawsuit.)[[Image:minibasket.jpg|thumb|left|200px|Basketball Monks attend a religious retreat known as "The Final Four".]]
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===Structure===
  +
The church is divided into "Conferences" much like the [[Bishop]]'s Conferences of the [[Catholic Church]]. Separate but unequal Conferences exist for men and women. The women have smaller balls and more modest uniforms, especially compared to [[volleyball]]. There are two professional conferences and way too many so-called "Academic Conferences." An institution that only teaches one set of dogma can't really be called "academic," but at least it doesn't receive tax money. Issues debated in Court during the "season" are resolved in the "playoffs."
   
  +
The church has come to be, according to ''The Wall Street Journal,'' "the model for modern religious institutions. Just look at their merchandising. This isn't Holy Water and [[Bible]]s. There is some real economic power here."
   
Springfield, Massachusetts residents credit Dr. James Naismith with the founding of the modern Church. Naismith himself was humble when describing his contributions. "I wanted to give young men something to think about other than the soft, supple and delicate inner thighs of pale, young redheaded girls, thighs that would slowly warm under your caress and part slightly revealing a palpable sense of desire and the aroma of peaches."
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===Beliefs===
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[[Image:Basketball court.jpg|right|thumb|250px|Ford's Basketball Court, where Lincoln was shot.]]
Living in Springfield, Massachusetts, Naismith soon realized that it would be a good idea to give young women something to think about other than the soft, supple and delicate inner thighs of pale, young redheaded girls, thighs that would slowly warm under your caress and part slightly revealing a palpable sense of desire and the aroma of peaches" and women were allowed to becomes players. When it was later pointed out that women players would shower together, Naismith just smiled.
 
 
Today's Church is divided into "Conferences" much like the Bishop's Conferences of the Catholic Church. Separate but unequal Conferences exist for men and women. The women have smaller balls and more carefully considered uniforms. There are two professional conferences and way too many so-called "Academic Conferences." Critics argue that an institution that only teaches one set of dogma, like Basketball or Christianity can't really be called "academic" and should not receive taxpayer's money. Issues are debated on the Court over the course of a "season" and finally resolved in the "playoffs."
 
 
The Church has come to be, according to the Wall Street Journal, "the model for modern religious institutions. Just look at their merchandising. This isn't Holy Water and Bibles. There is some real economic power here."
 
 
In July 2010, basketball's legacy was ruined when [[LeBron James|LeBron ****ing James]] had sex with all of South Florida on a nationally televised event.
 
 
==Beliefs==
 
[[Image:Basketball court.jpg|left|thumb|100px|Ford's Basketball Court, where Lincoln was shot.]]
 
[[Image:MexicanBasketballAssociation.jpg|thumb|right|200px|Tasteless yet creative racial humor.]]
 
 
The core beliefs of the Basketball Church are:
 
The core beliefs of the Basketball Church are:
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*If the Celtics are NBA Finals champions, God loves us and all is right with the world.
*If the Celtics are National Champions, God loves us and all is right with the world.
 
 
 
*Henry Finkle is the physical manifestation of God, Almighty. All hail Finkle for thine is the glory is to follow Russell and to hold the place of Cowens. Thou art good.
 
*Henry Finkle is the physical manifestation of God, Almighty. All hail Finkle for thine is the glory is to follow Russell and to hold the place of Cowens. Thou art good.
 
 
*The [[Los Angeles Lakers|Lakers]] are the minions of Satan. The Knicks are merely misguided. The Sacramento Kings are by far the best team in NBA history. They have won the past 26 championships and have made up every player on the East and West All-Star teams together every year since 1975.
 
*The [[Los Angeles Lakers|Lakers]] are the minions of Satan. The Knicks are merely misguided. The Sacramento Kings are by far the best team in NBA history. They have won the past 26 championships and have made up every player on the East and West All-Star teams together every year since 1975.
  +
*[[Brian Scalabrine]] is the King and the Chosen One. [[Bob Knight|Bobby Knight]] is the one true prophet. [[Wilt Chamberlain]] is the messiah and savior. He built an ark and carried basketball over to America, 2 players at a time.
   
*[[Brian Scalabrine]] is the King and the Chosen One.
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== History ==
+
[[Image:St_aquinas_friars_1952.jpg|right|thumb|200px|The Fightin' Friars' 1952 Championship Lineup]]
*[[Bob Knight|Bobby Knight]] is the one true prophet.
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In 1891 at the [[YMCA]] in [[Holyoke, Massachusetts|Springfield, Massachusetts]] (now the main office of the [[Welfare|Department of Transitional Assistance]]), Dr. James Naismith was trying to keep his [[gym]] class active and their hands on top of their desks. It was a rainy day and the nine-month-long [[New England]] [[winter]] was set to begin.
 
* Haunted by [[spirit basketballers]]
 
   
* Wilt Chamberlain is the messiah and saviour, he built an ark and carried basketball over to america, 2 players at a time.
+
Naismith rejected other ideas as too violent, or too likely to be found out by parents and school administrators, and finally nailed a peach basket to a railing, challenging his class to shoot a ball into the basket. The result instantly suggested a name for the sport: "Oh, Shit!" Naismith worried that this too was likely to be found out; moreover, sending a kid up to the balcony to get the ball out of the basket every time someone made a shot was working against the goal of keeping the class active.
  +
{{Wikipedia}}
  +
A period of frenzied innovation followed. The ping-pong ball was temporarily replaced by the soccer ball, then by an orange ball familiar to ghetto youths, then by a red-white-and-blue ball familiar to [[suburb]]anites for the two years that their independent team lasts. The backboard was attached to the peach bucket to keep spectators from stealing the ball, which would end the game early in the first quarter. Rather than stop the game and send a kid up to the balcony to fetch the ball after each score, a hole was cut in the bottom of the peach basket so that they could stop the game and fetch the kid with a pole to retrieve the ball.
   
*Lebron James is the second coming of Wilt Chamberlain the Messiah and he will lead the church to the promise land.
+
===Local pride===
  +
[[Image:minibasket.jpg|thumb|left|200px|Basketball Monks attend a religious retreat known as "The Final Four".]]
  +
The residents of Springfield, Massachusetts have hallowed that first basketball court, as otherwise there is no point in even having a city between Albany and [[Worcester]]. The '''Basketball Hall of Fame''' is now on the site of that court. It includes exhibits, such as a 1742 Scottish advertisement for a demonstration of "Basket-Bladder," which shows a drawing of two young men jumping after an airborne sheep's bladder. Springfield residents argue that this was merely a callous attempt by local shepherd Callum McIntyre to create a market for the sheep's bladders that were piling up in his barn. "Bladderines," as supporters of the McIntyre position like to call themselves, point out, as they nod toward the Catholics and wink, that this would not be the only Great Religion that was started as way to move excess inventory.
   
  +
Other scholars argue that a game played by Inca warriors, when there were no children to disembowel, was the first worship of a Great Basketball God. (Disembowelment was eliminated as a player inducement with the settlement of the Oscar Robertson Lawsuit.)
   
[[Image:Basketballduke.jpg|right|thumb|300px|Sex scandals have plagued the Church]]
+
Naismith himself was humble when describing his contributions. "I wanted to give young men something to think about other than the soft, supple and delicate inner thighs of pale, young redheaded girls, thighs that would slowly warm under your caress and part slightly revealing a palpable sense of desire and the aroma of peaches." Living in Springfield, Naismith soon realized that it would be a good idea to give young women something else to think about too. Women were allowed to become players, subject to bizarre rules in the [[Midwest United States]] that kept them from having to run.
[[Image:Basketball boy.jpg|left|thumb|300px|Players shake, speak in tongues and do other weird shit when possessed by Finkle's Spirit]]
 
   
 
==See also==
 
==See also==
*[[Basketball players]]
 
*[[Black people]]
 
*[[Final Four]]
 
 
*[[LeBron James]]
 
*[[LeBron James]]
*[[Poop]] and [[fart]]
 
   
 
[[Category:Sports]]
 
[[Category:Sports]]

Latest revision as of 20:14, December 8, 2014

Soa

Socrates (left) and Testiclēs‎ prepare to go "one-on-one." Their "homies" gather in the agora and propose wagers on the outcome.

Basketball is a popular sport played by two teams of five players, their agents, publicists, and a gaggle of salary-cap lawyers.

The objective is to win with a spherical game piece called the ping-pong ball. After clinching the division's worst record with a winter full of egotism, poor team play, crossed signals, and horrible shooting, the team that prevails hopes to obtain a ping-pong ball that gives it the right to draft one or more competent players. It then prepares for the next season, playing an odd sport with a much larger rubber ball.

The sixteen teams that fail to get access to the ping-pong ball are relegated to a more boring pastime called the Championships.

edit Basketball Judiciary

Carrottop-at-2007-all-star-weekend-2-17-07

A typical basketball player.

Basketball is played in a place called the "court." This is not a court-of-law, except when you rape a maid, get in a knife-fight downtown at two in the morning before the day of a big game, or bring a gun into the locker room.

The basketball court has both a bar and a bench. Excluding the bar up on the luxury level, the bar is along one of the long sides of the court. A large number of court recorders sit at the bar to transcribe everything that happens in court. There are three men dressed in black and white who run up and down the court. These are essentially the bailiffs. The judge is the one wearing the gold glitter and sequins. He sings one or two national anthems to bring the court into session, then leaves the proceedings to his bailiffs. He has no gavel.

edit Basketball religion

Kernel-slam-dunk

Kentucky's Colonel Sanders invented not only the "slam-dunk" but the bucket of 20 chicken wings to endear himself to the nation's Negro population.

Although "basketball" does not end in "ism," it is one of the world's Great Religions, just like Judaism, Catholicism, and Satanism. It is not like Scientology and Alcoholics Anonymous, which do not end in "ism" either.

Many city-dwellers worship in the church of basketball. They attend services not just on Sunday but sometimes on weeknights.

The great popularity of basketball is because anyone can play it without investing in a lot of expensive gear. All the player needs is:

  • A pair of $300 Nike fashion shoes with hydraulic heels that don't last more than two days if you play on concrete
  • A certified official NBA jersey with the name and number of a famous local player, discarded and replaced when he signs for more money on the other coast
  • A cap with hologram logo that you can wear backward
  • Therapeutic braces to protect those fragile ACLs and MCLs in your knees.

edit Priests of the basketball church

Currently, LeBron James is the high priest of basketball. In the past, Bill Walton was even higher. The church's representative on earth is the Commissioner, who obviously takes orders from James.

Players are the church's missionaries, spreading its gospel onto city streets and into housing projects. Church activities are controlled by Officials who receive their instructions directly from the Commissioner. The layman receives guidance by several hundred members of the clergy called sportscasters.

edit Structure

The church is divided into "Conferences" much like the Bishop's Conferences of the Catholic Church. Separate but unequal Conferences exist for men and women. The women have smaller balls and more modest uniforms, especially compared to volleyball. There are two professional conferences and way too many so-called "Academic Conferences." An institution that only teaches one set of dogma can't really be called "academic," but at least it doesn't receive tax money. Issues debated in Court during the "season" are resolved in the "playoffs."

The church has come to be, according to The Wall Street Journal, "the model for modern religious institutions. Just look at their merchandising. This isn't Holy Water and Bibles. There is some real economic power here."

edit Beliefs

Basketball court

Ford's Basketball Court, where Lincoln was shot.

The core beliefs of the Basketball Church are:

  • If the Celtics are NBA Finals champions, God loves us and all is right with the world.
  • Henry Finkle is the physical manifestation of God, Almighty. All hail Finkle for thine is the glory is to follow Russell and to hold the place of Cowens. Thou art good.
  • The Lakers are the minions of Satan. The Knicks are merely misguided. The Sacramento Kings are by far the best team in NBA history. They have won the past 26 championships and have made up every player on the East and West All-Star teams together every year since 1975.
  • Brian Scalabrine is the King and the Chosen One. Bobby Knight is the one true prophet. Wilt Chamberlain is the messiah and savior. He built an ark and carried basketball over to America, 2 players at a time.

edit History

St aquinas friars 1952

The Fightin' Friars' 1952 Championship Lineup

In 1891 at the YMCA in Springfield, Massachusetts (now the main office of the Department of Transitional Assistance), Dr. James Naismith was trying to keep his gym class active and their hands on top of their desks. It was a rainy day and the nine-month-long New England winter was set to begin.

Naismith rejected other ideas as too violent, or too likely to be found out by parents and school administrators, and finally nailed a peach basket to a railing, challenging his class to shoot a ball into the basket. The result instantly suggested a name for the sport: "Oh, Shit!" Naismith worried that this too was likely to be found out; moreover, sending a kid up to the balcony to get the ball out of the basket every time someone made a shot was working against the goal of keeping the class active.

Bouncywikilogo8
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Basketball.

A period of frenzied innovation followed. The ping-pong ball was temporarily replaced by the soccer ball, then by an orange ball familiar to ghetto youths, then by a red-white-and-blue ball familiar to suburbanites for the two years that their independent team lasts. The backboard was attached to the peach bucket to keep spectators from stealing the ball, which would end the game early in the first quarter. Rather than stop the game and send a kid up to the balcony to fetch the ball after each score, a hole was cut in the bottom of the peach basket so that they could stop the game and fetch the kid with a pole to retrieve the ball.

edit Local pride

Minibasket

Basketball Monks attend a religious retreat known as "The Final Four".

The residents of Springfield, Massachusetts have hallowed that first basketball court, as otherwise there is no point in even having a city between Albany and Worcester. The Basketball Hall of Fame is now on the site of that court. It includes exhibits, such as a 1742 Scottish advertisement for a demonstration of "Basket-Bladder," which shows a drawing of two young men jumping after an airborne sheep's bladder. Springfield residents argue that this was merely a callous attempt by local shepherd Callum McIntyre to create a market for the sheep's bladders that were piling up in his barn. "Bladderines," as supporters of the McIntyre position like to call themselves, point out, as they nod toward the Catholics and wink, that this would not be the only Great Religion that was started as way to move excess inventory.

Other scholars argue that a game played by Inca warriors, when there were no children to disembowel, was the first worship of a Great Basketball God. (Disembowelment was eliminated as a player inducement with the settlement of the Oscar Robertson Lawsuit.)

Naismith himself was humble when describing his contributions. "I wanted to give young men something to think about other than the soft, supple and delicate inner thighs of pale, young redheaded girls, thighs that would slowly warm under your caress and part slightly revealing a palpable sense of desire and the aroma of peaches." Living in Springfield, Naismith soon realized that it would be a good idea to give young women something else to think about too. Women were allowed to become players, subject to bizarre rules in the Midwest United States that kept them from having to run.

edit See also

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