Basingrad
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Contents |
[edit] The Writers Biography
Or it might just be genetic?
[edit] Histoiore
[edit] Cheese
(This is unconfirmed, and the writer may have been Edward Scott. Ed.)
[edit] Prehistoiore
Basingrad (also known as Al Quaeda's favourite place to visit) was once and always will be a nice place, known at the time as Basing. This all ended some 300,000 years ago, when the place was flattened by ice and invaded by the ancestors of chavs, who were well suited to the blasted wasteland. These proto-chavs then hunted the local woolly rhinos and mammoths to extinction, poisoning them with huge volumes of coke and then converting them into burberry. Even in this ancient time it is notable that the chavs of the Basingrad area were sufficiently advanced to make use of fake fur as an alternative to the real thing, the lesson having been learned already that if a chav can never win a fight against another human, he doesn't have a hope in hell of survival when faced with an enraged sabre-toothed tiger. (See kittens)
[edit] The Dark Ages
Unlike the rest of the world, Basingrad's Dark Age lasted from about 298,000 BC until about 1850 AD, when the place was eventually connected to the railway network. At once it was discovered that this was a terrible mistake. The chavs gained bling and became an even greater annoyance and threat to civilisation, while the town's population of pikeys also swelled. From this point, Basingrad entered...
[edit] The Even Darker Ages
Chavs multiplied at a horrific rate, not due to more being born, but because of fewer deaths. This increase was helped by the advent of the welfare state, which was immediately pounced upon as a way of getting money without making any useful contribution to society. The railways were clogged with chavs who trespassed thereon, and as more street corners appeared, chavs appeared there too. The building of 9,331,530.5767489674896907060578467686 roundabouts during the 20th century eliminated the street corners, but not the chavs.
[edit] The sk8 Revolution
Basingrad, once described as the naval of the Chav World, played host to a dramatic set of events. Almost overight, sixth-formers from the local College, Queen Mary's, infiltrated the Charver homeland. The Chavs could only balance in the two factions. It was then that the chavs rebelled throwing pot, w and crack only for the sixth formers to yet again kick the shit out of these little dickheads now there are only a few chavs left remaining but they may attack again, nukes from the college people are aimed a these shithead drug dealers but now they have joined forces with tramps and homosexuals watch out for these mother feckers!!!
(This is also unconfirmed. Ed.)
(Response to Ed: Sk8rs don't exist in Basingstoke Basingrad. They are an object of censorship.)
[edit] Famous people
One famous person from Basingrad is Santa himself. In real life santa is a fat pervert suffering from heart disease. He known for continuous drink driving and break and entree. He known for giving children present sin exchange for them sitting on his lap.
Rupert the Bear is another well known Basingradian, hence the trousers. Burberry was invented in Basingstoke and has since come back to haunt the town in the form of chavs.
The dead withered hand of celebrity has otherwise left Boringstoke relatively untouched. Ask any Basingstoker to name anyone famous who came from the place and they will struggle. After much thought they might mention Tanita Tikaram (female Leonard Cohen impersonator) or Kit Symons (minor professional football player who played for Wales, yunno), or one of the Libertines. And didn't Liz Hurley once visit the Basingstoke C&A one rainy Saturday afternoon in the mid 80s, but buggered off sharpish to Reading when they couldn't find a purple snood in her size? Pretty poor pickings, Heat fans.
WRONG! The sad truth of the matter is this. Think of a famous person. Any famous person. Irrespective of their public worth and celebrity status, THEY ALL CAME FROM BASINGSTOKE. For example, Mahatma Gandhi wasn't born in India. No, his real name is Michael Grundy and he was Chineham born and bred. Jade Goody? Abbey Road chick. Margaret Hectate Thatcher, Whore of Babylon? Her dad used to run the grocery on Church Street. Just ask a passing celebrity about their origins and on pain of torture they will confess all. Heat, OK and Wotcha should open offices right here in Basingstoke, next to Poundland, and be done with it.
What a quality place.
[edit] The People of Basingrad
Basingrad had an estimated population of 80,477 in 2006. Of these, Basingrad is populated mostly by Chavs, a non-sentient race that garb themselves as if doing sports, but have only been known to run away from the police. (It's worth noting that Hampshire has one of the most gay friendly police forces, apparently). This population is supplemented by the occasional Pikey, a species thought to be descended from Magpies, because of their tendency for stealing shiney objects (like satellite dishes). Basingrad may or may not also contain the occasional human being, though these would probably tend to be situated in bunkers ringed by landmines and speakers playing tasteful music, in order to deter attackers. Everyone else is probably Polish.
The Four Hoursemen of the Apocolypse are currently staying in the local Hilton hotel.
More recently, the emo has become a common sighting in Basingrad. The Council is considering placing signs to warn people not to slip on the pools of blood, which are commonplace in the various shopping centres.
http://www.oakleywindowcleaning.co.uk/
[edit] Economy
Basingrad's imports and exports consist almost entirely of burberry, which was invented there. The horrific numbers of chavs and pikeys constantly "spill over" into neighbouring towns and could be considered as another export, although more realistic people would consider them a waste product. The resale of ever-more modified cars is the only growing industry in Basingrad.
[edit] The Town
The town has nothing interesting except a swimming pool and a two colleges: BCOT for the clever kids and QMC for the rest. That was sarcasm, if you couldn't tell. (BCOT actually stands for Basingrad Chav Organic Testing, and was formed after testing on Mice and later bacteria proved unpopular and was believed to be inhumane, and so a lower life form was selected.) The nightlife is the most impressive in the world. In 1995 the 287,000,000,000,000.9876788 nightclubs and 529 theatres were consolidated into a single autonomous mega-club called Liquid. One of the old clubs does still remain - Chicagos Rock Cafe, where the dress code seems to be old women dressed up like twenty year olds. There's also the bang bar, which you should probably do your best to avoid.
[edit] Da Council Innit
Boringstoke and Deane Borough Council are not afraid to move with the times. Following the success of the film Pulp Fiction in 1994, a motion was passed to conduct all council meetings as though they were conversations in the film. The incumbent Tory MP at the time, Andrew 'Motherfunster' Hunter, was quoted in the Basingstoke Gazette as saying that the idea was 'fucking cool, motherfucker' and said he was looking forward to long and detailed conversations about fast food and Dutch hash bars, all on the payroll of the taxpayer.
In 1996, following a three week bender (sorry, 'fact finding mission') in Amsterdam eating Mickey Dees and getting absolutely wasted on cheap hydroponic skunk, the council in their infinite wisdom decided to adopt txt spk as their lingua franca. Council minutes now read like the inane gibberings of sub-literate fourteen year olds texting each other in double maths. A definite improvement methinks.
[edit] Culture
In Basingrad the creation of vandal-proof public sculpture has been honed to a fine 'art'. To wit - 'The Wote Street Willy' or WSW. This phallic lump of finest rockcrete at the bottom of Wote Street was built to encapsulate the thrusting, dynamic and exciting cultural life of the town, with the emphasis very much on the thrusting.
Here is an excerpt from the Basingrad and Deane Council minutes when they decided to build it:
Deputy Mayor: LOL I like the cock.
Mayor: ROFL I want the cock.
Andrew Hunter: Your all gay. L8terz.
And so the motion was passed (fnarr fnarr).
Since the completion of the Wote Street Willy, local custom has it that if you want to conceive you should get utterly plastered in the White Hart, stagger down Wote Street and indulge in a quickie knee trembler against the WSW. 85% of the town's population have been conceived this way since 2001. Esteemed medical practitioners in London's Harley Street are now running 'fertility fun days' to the WSW to help sub-fertile thirty something professional types get up the duff.
Work on a fifty metre representation of Goatse straddling the A339 past the AA building will start in the Spring of 2008. Which will be nice.
[edit] A Song For Basingstoke
Until comparatively recently, the town anthem was this dreary, stentorian dirge blathering on about hard work, dilgence and how bloody fantastic it was to live in Basingstoke and how grateful you ruddy proles should be that you weren't born in the shadow of the dark satanic mills of Silchester or Andover. Then, in 2004, one of the council had a brain fart after watching the Eurovision Song Contest and decided that said anthem needed to be updated. The winning entry, entered by one Andrew Lloyd Webber in collaboration with his usual writing partner Felix Mendelssohn features the following stirring lyric, evidently inspired by the Wote Street Willy:
We love the cock, we do.
We love the cock, we do.
We love the cock, we do.
Oh the cock we love yooouuuuu.
The good burghers of Reading, Winchester and Southampton went puce green with envy at the sheer lucidity and intense poetic intenseness of this uplifting ode to joy of living in Basingstoke. To annoy them further, Da Council now requires every good citizen of Basingstoke to stand outside his or her house every night at 6pm and belt out this joyous little number with a lump in their throat, a tear in their eye and one finger up to those losers who don't live here.
[edit] Surrounding area
The surrounding area is comprised of loads of villages, all constantly engaged in war with each other.
"Da Winklebury Willys"- Absurdly, everybody in this 'gang' seems to be called William. Far more disturbing, however, is their allignment with squirrels in a localised attempt to conquer the world.
"Da East Popley Crew" - Notable for having not achieved anything at all, ever, except for an incident in 1921 when a young basingradian from East Popley became the first being vaguely resembling a human to eat his own head.
"Da West Popley Crew" - Conquered several fields in the summer of 2005, fighting a four month battle of attrition with several stoned Goats. Only two of 'Da West Popley Crew' survived, both missing large amounts of bling.
"Da Oakridge Crew" - Are notable for being covered in moss and leaves for reasons unknown.
"The South hammers"(Kingsroad side) - Invented bashing themselves in the head with hammers as an alternative to anaesthetic. (This may be lethal to those possessing brains)
Tadley - Thought to be home to large amounts of Nomads with satellite dishes.
"Da NGS" - Although they originate from the near village of Hook, they often find themselves roaming in blazingrad. NGS is one of the most hated gangs in Btown due to the fact they are from a village, so they can't be A-R-D. (NGS = Next Generation Stoners) VERY GAY NAME
"Oakley gang" - Are also notable for being covered in moss and leaves for reasons unknown.
"The Old Basing bunch" - Hold meetings with different ways to attack the passing buses for 'street cred'. One recent foiled plan was a toilet seat. This often involves monocules, pipes, and pots of gold.
Lychpit/Chineham - The best place to live in Basingstoke. Residents are extremely rich, live in small mansions with security gates. Full of posh and well-off people who clean their toilets with champagne. Any loitering chavs are likely to be banished, or at least sent to BCOT.
"Black damage"- The second best place to live in Basingstoke. Full of women who walk around in pj's and men who carry fence posts full of nails. There's a nice straight road for racing your twenty year old pimp machine. Please come along and visit.
"Chin 'em"
Cliddsden doesn't count as a village because it is small, unimportant and only has one main attraction. You can't get lost.
[edit] Wildlife
As many former-countriside towns and cities, Basingrad had a shocking variety of indigenous creatures. In the past, there used to be domestic cows, sheep and the odd farmer, and giant white-faced Saki Monkeys (which behave similarly to chavs), along with birds and badgers etc. However, due to the influx of large firms such as Sony, IBM, and Barclays, pollution soared to great extents and "enhanced" the animals around. Cows turned into Obese Women (also known as cows), sheep turned into ravenous Hobo's with highly contagous diseases and Farmers' children evolved into what we now call "chavs".
However, more humble creatures found benefits in the pollution (just like the chavs and young single mothers). Rats bred thousand times faster annually and colonised areas such as Cranbourne, where Da Council of Basingrad thought was an ideal location for young 11-16 year old children to be "educated" in the arts of reproduction, overdosing, smoking and wittless bantering (Note, most students excelled in their education and 75-80% girls were soon pregnant, and 60-70% of boys mastered vandalism). Basingrad is also believed to be home to flocks of bloodthirsty maneating seabirds (concentrated around Cranbourne School) and confused sea turtles. Often, due to climatic conditions caused by the pollution, Seals, Penguins and people from Poland tend to visit for a warmer climate and retreat from the cold weather they experience on a daily basis.
[edit] Other Facts
Basingrad is thought to be twinned with Askarchan in Saudi Arabia. It has also been hypothesised that it is linked in some way to the city of Isengrad in Mordor, but due to copyright law this may not be the case.
Basingstoke is also speculated to be twinned with Alencon, in France, but this is kept quiet due to the undeniable fact that Alencon is just a 'totally better' place to live. Lets face it, its true what they say....theres always an evil twin! This is because of the social problems Basingstoke would face if its residents started migrating to France. Firstly, Alencon would be condemned to the overthrow by the British Chav: currently considered extremely dangerous and evil in France (the local subspecies, the pissis, is more benign, and only occasionally sets fire to cars). This would set off a chain reaction of events leading to the total overthrow of France by the Chav, therefore causing France to be renamed 'Brittan 2 Innit' and consequentally slipping into a future of burberry exports and consumption of the traditional British Vodka.
The unprecedented high multiplication rate of the chav in Basingrad has led some leading biologists, mostly from Djibouti, to speculate that in Basingrad chav has become a highly contagious disease, similar to HIV, and often spread in the same manner. It has been calculated by these biologists that, by reproductive means only, to produce the number of chavs in Basingrad today each chav recorded in the 2001 census of parasites would have to be reproducing approximately 101.11 percent of the time. This is currently thought impossible according to the laws of physics, which dictate each chav must spend at least 50 percent of their lives eating McDonalds, hanging around parks defecating, or unsuccessfully harassing kittens. Therefore, the existence of some highly debilitating disease has been proposed.
Regardless of this, generally, all physical contact with chavs should be avoided. It is thought that this menace to society may be cured with tazer guns, flamethrowers, nuclear weapons and spoons. If only other weapons are available, do not aim for the head. No vital organs reside here.
There is speculation that most this article was written by Chavs. Hence the spelling mistakes.
Basingstoke is due to be demolished in June 2008 after it was discovered by the government that people have discovered ways of leaving it. That wasn't the plan at all, damn it.
(Edit) Demolition has been rescheduled for 2011 given the impending financial crisis.
