Basement-dweller (species)

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Two basement-dwellers in their natural habitat.


Some recent studies suggest that the basement-dweller is a distant evolutionary relative of the human. Indeed, some humans (subspecies parent) have brought a basement-dweller aboveground, which can be very dangerous to the basement-dweller's health (and the well-being of everyone around him). For this reason, it is crucial to be aware of the key differences between the two species.

Innate capabilities

Basement-dwellers are clumsy aboveground; in addition to a lack of coordination in general, the bright daylight may disorient them. Their field of vision is a rectangle roughly the size of a computer screen, allowing them very little peripheral vision.

While basement-dwellers are neither strong nor coordinated, the layer of fat resulting from their diet of pizza and Coke makes them dangerous fighters on any occasion where they actually manage to land a blow.


A basement-dweller has linguistic skills resembling that of the typical ogre. Excessive speech around them renders them confused and frustrated, leading to a possible attack. Provocation should be avoided by communicating with text. If use of the local native language is ineffective, the researcher should also try txt spk, lolspeak, and 1337 5p34k.)

The basement-dweller's intelligence should not be underestimated. While the average IQ is considerably lower than that of a human, humans are incredibly stupid as well, and the difference is not as great as it seems. Large basement-dweller populations fill the Internet, where the literacy rate is at least as high as among humans. It is entirely possible to carry on a conversation with a basement-dweller over the interwebz in at least one of the above dialects.

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