Barthes Mattiche

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Mattiche

Barthes Mattiche

B. (Barth/Barthes) Mattiche (born on February 1st and 2nd, 1675 near Brussels, Belgium; died in 1707 in Paris, France), referred to as both Barth and Barthes, is best-known as the co-author of the book Le Cuisinier Royal et Bourgeois, with and under the supervision of François Massialot. He was at the time the assistant cook of Massialot, and together they worked intensively to create the before mentioned classic in culinary literature.

One of the reasons the book was so revolutionary was that it is the first time the so-called tartiflette, a traditional French dish made with potatoes, reblochon cheese, bacon and onions, was mentioned in writing. Many say Mattiche had a great influence in the invention of the dish, which, throughout history, was of course credited to an abundant amount of cooks.

Even though today we can never be sure who really made the tartiflette, intensive reading into the subject (culinary books, articles, papers and recipes) makes it safe to say Mattiche (or his father) was most probably the one who originated this classic recipe[1], as his name is most mentioned in relation to the dish, both in writing as well as in general knowledge of the people of France. However, this statement will be nuanced at the end of this article.

edit Early life

Mattiche has had a very turbulent and short-lasting life, being born near Brussels, Belgium and eventually passing away in Paris, France. He was known as being wreckless and immature, proof of which were his numerous encounters with the authorities for vandalism and pyromania. Many say this was all caused by a very rare disease he suffered from, called Xanderitis (or Sanderitis)[2]. Not much is known about this disease up until today, but rumor has it the disease was actually invented by a group of mentally disabled youngsters in their attempt to clear his name with the authorities and the people of Halle, the small town he grew up in.

edit The Transportation

Bastogne-General-McAuliffe-560 copy

Barthes Mattiche with a stolen street sign only hours before he sent his troops the wrong way.

Even though he was considered the rascal of the town, he was generally accepted and the people let him get away with all that he did because he would consequently blame others for his mischiefs. But then, in the summer of 1700, he was abducted by people from the future who told him he was the chosen one to defend the Allies in their war against Hitler. Through time and space he was transported to the year of 1944 in a town called Bastogne, Belgium. The battle lasted for more than three weeks, in which Mattiche was considered the big hero. Even though he is considered to be the one who defeated the Germans, there is a side note to these events. When the Allies were surrounded by their enemy in the forests of the Ardennes, there were few ways they could go. Mattiche had (in a dubious manner) worked his way up to adjudant general of the battalion and was subsequently making big and important decisions. But when the big moment came, 'B-day' as they called it then, it was up to Mattiche to make his army go either left or right on the main road. While the evident decision was to go left, and he also meant to say left, he told his army to go right, as he was in a vague state of being.

This what could have been a fatal error eventually did not result in a horrible massacre. While his whole army was going right, the Germans were approaching from behind as they were expecting them. But shortly after loud noises came from the sky, noises no one had ever heard before. Apparently it was one of the dragons of Daenerys Targaryen and her husband Sanderos. It had completely taken the Germans by surprise, and soon their whole army was turned to ashes, leading to a grand victory for the Allies[3]. Immediately after their victory was established, Mattiche was transported back to 1700 in an unknown town in France. To this day the people falsely believe Mattiche was responsible for the victory, since no one of the Allies had seen it because they were going the wrong way.

edit In France

Mattiche2

'Le Cuisinier Royal et Bourgois', Written by François Massialot and Barthes Mattiche

Once he adjusted himself to normal life in the year 1700, and living as a homeless man for a year, he tried to get his act together and pursued a carreer path which unfortunately did not work out well for him. He was, as he formulated it himself, independently unemployed. Even though it was years of hard work with little to no pay, he did his best and did not give up. It is said to believe this career path is historically one of the hardest and most strenuous of all. When he decided to end his carreer being independently unemployed he went to the big city of Paris where he met François Massialot, a renowned cook for which he did many kinds of favors in exchange for food. He worked with him for some years and was considered his sous-chef, but in real life he remained a homeless for the remainder of his life, working for some meager scraps of food. Eventually came the publishing of 'Le Cuisinier Royal et Bourgois', in which Mattiche was mentioned as being a co-author. This is very peculiar given the relation he and Massialot had. Some dare to say Mattiche was actually given the credit in the book in exchange for sexual favors, others say he was the true genious behind the recipe for tartiflette, and it is also said that Mattiche, when drunk, stole it from a colleague cook who was at the time working on the recipe.

edit Legacy

In 1707 he allegedly died of the disease Xanderitis, even though it was never sure if this disease even existed. He left fourteen children, three of which were homosexual and two of which where mentally and physically disabled. In the 50's of last century some research was done into this peculiar family, and even though they were never completely sure of the results, the researchers claimed it to be genetically (highly) probable that all the descendants of Mattiche (will) suffer from the same disease, one they had never seen before with any other human being[4]. Putting historical hear-say and newly found scientific evidence together, it is probable that the so-called Xanderitis condition might have been a true disease, intriguing doctors and researchers worldwide to this day.

edit References

  1. History of the Tartiklette. T. Roland, M. Marques. 1995, PARIS
  2. Liegen Dat Ge Barthes Ziet, S. The Great. 2013, HALLE
  3. The Battle of Bastogne, The True Story Bro. D. Vermeulen. 1991, BRUSSELS
  4. The Genetics Of The MATTICHE/MATTIGGE Family Explained. Dr. Bumblebee, Dr. Maywheater. 2001
Personal tools
projects