Barry from EastEnders

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Approach with caution. DO NOT feed the Barry From EastEnders.

“I want a pet Barry From EastEnders.”
~ Prince Phillip on Barry From EastEnders
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Barry from EastEnders.

Barry From EastEnders was a mythical creature dating from around 917 AD. Rumour has it, It is still alive this very day, and can often be seen in Pantomimes, or Jobcentres up and down the country. It is rare to spot Barry From EastEnders, as it is scared easily.

edit Appearance

The creature's appearance has often been described as not dissimilar to that of a trolls: Short, chubby, balding, and slimy. The hair on its knees has worn away because of all the scuttling through caves at night.

edit Diet

Barry From EastEnders feeds mostly on:

  • Large Foxes
  • Cats
  • Dogs
  • Beans
  • Dot Branning

It has been know for the creature to adopt cannibalism.

Special note regarding Dot Branning. As there is only one existing Dot Branning in the universe the Barry From EastEnders has a somewhat ritualistic feeding method. The Barry From EastEnders indulges only sparingly on the Dot Branning when they meet, thus leaving the Dot Branning alive and almost certainly quoting That Old Book. This ingenious method prolongs the Dot Branning, and has done so for many centuries. It is not known whether the Dot Branning enjoys this act, as it is a very impartial and non judgmental being.

edit Future Plans for Barry From EastEnders

After watching Barry From EastEnders on "Z-List Celebrity Fame Acadamey: Oh Yes, Another God-Awful Reality TV Show, Where We Couldn't Even Get Real Celebrities Because We're Skint", the directors of London Zoo are looking to purchase it. (You may be wondering how a creature like Barry From EastEnders [wild and savage, yet to be toilet trained] got on to a show like that? Strict Security measures were in place:

  • Barry From EastEnders was chained to the stage at all times.
  • It was semi-sedated by a shot of Keith Richards' urine.

(However it was this point that caused controversy among viewers. Critics say the semi-sedation severely numbed Barry From EastEnders' performance, reducing it's rendition of YMCA to mere screams, growls and yelps. Other fans say they didn't notice the difference.)

  • Barry From EastEnders was kept fully fed on a vegetarian diet throughout the period, avoiding the severing or mauling of audience member's limbs.

It was here disaster stuck. On the 5th show, Barry From EastEnders ate Jade Goody. Reassuringly, nobody cares.

Barry From EastEnders was crowned 3rd in the dire show, and immediately after filming was chased into the wilderness surrounding the BBC Television Centre, London, by 2 employees of London Zoo. They were dressed in khaki British Military Uniform from the Boer War, and armed with butterfly nets. They wanted to put Barry From EastEnders in a cage. The poor sod.

According to record, Barry From EastEnders lost the pursuers just outside North Peckham. No one has seen it, or heard it since.

Speculation says that Barry From EastEnders is set to appear in "Bi's and Ho's" in a cardboard box, in the West End in the near future, starring as a mole named Phil.

edit Concern over health

Although Barry From EastEnders is wild, fat, and about as funny as Ian Hislop, the nation has grown attached to the podgy little beast. If you have seen it, or know of its whereabouts, then please get in touch. Otherwise Bob Geldof will get involved and Phil Collins will write another damn song about it.

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