Barnsley

Barnsley Capital of England
State Flower: Dandelion & Burdock
Official Language: Barnsley
Town Motto: The 'lecky's been cut, and the wattah's brarn
Nickname: Tarn
Mayor: Billy Casper
Demographic: 99.5% White
Principal imports: Wattah, lecky, glass, alcopops, Adidas 'four stripe', oversized golden hoop earrings,
Principal exports: Fake Burberry, Boyracers, mingers, STIs, Coal (Back int day), excellent football, glass

Barnsley (pronounced barn-zaar-lee), also known as tarn was once a bustling metropolis of Ancient Greece. Now, it is an up-market town in the centre of England. It's populous, known as Barnacles all of whom are related in some way, are known for bein "Strong in't arm, thick in't head." Hence, why they were so good in the pit as they would work for 22 hours a day whilst never realising they are surrounded by poisonous fumes (That is why the budgie is now lying at the bottom of its cage).

The locals are so affectionate towards their hometown that often their conversation revolves around nothing but Barnsley, though the younger generation can often be found bleating obscenities outside Weatherspoons. To put it simply, though many would not want to go to Barnsley, it doesn't matter as most people are not welcome in Barnsley!

People of Barnsley

The people of Barnsley are kind and caring, but only to themselves, their love of "t'Giro" being particularly strong. The people of Barnsley can regularly be seen pointing at airplanes, wearing string vests and Co-Op own brand trainers. They are famous for their distinctive war cry "Tha wot! Ar much?", this is commonly heard in the markets of Barnsley, whenever a Barnacle is forced to pay more than 10 bob for owt. They do love a good pastie too.

People frum tarn (Barnsley) are proper northerners, anyone south of Barnsley is a shandy drinking poof and anyone from north of Barnsley is inbred i.e Leeds, Middlesbrough etc. Dunt even get me started on Scotland! People of Barnsley, be proud, you are the proper northern.

Barnsley people used to keep coal as pets, but now there's no coal, they mehk do wi' ode rolls o' wallpaper. A common feature in Barnsley homes is chicken wire surrounding the dining table, usually attached to the legs by six-inch nails. Hens, banties and and sometimes prize cockerels (see *Cock-fighting/Badger-baiting) are kept within this enclosure. A hole in the table top facilitates any crumbs and leftovers to be scooped directly into the pit. Where livestock is not a priority, meals are eaten off trays whilst sat in front of the telly.

A selection of famous people are as follows:

• Patrick Cryne: Owns Barnsley Football club and has a brick for a phone
• Dickie Bird: A cricket umpire.
• Arthur Scargill: A legend of the Mining strike.

Famous Buildings in Barnsley

A fantastic piece of post Georgian, Victorian architecture thought to have been designed by hot chocolates Errol Brown, the Bush Inn at Kingstone which is now under threat of demolition. It has been shut for many years now and locals have thought to have signed petitions and created websites to get it re-opened. One website is rumoured to have as many as 3 members.

The most complex building in Barnsley's long and (not so) colourful history was the Stairfoot Rarndabart. The 0.01 floor high building was a shining example of the progress of the area being the tallest man-made structure in the area. It cost the equivalent of £2 billion in today's money but cost 50,000 Barnsley folk their (worthless) lives. Another wondrous work of engineering is The Oakwell stadium, the mecca of Barnsley, where no less then 10,000 fans travel to by horse and cart. If you have a job then you can pay on the door, instead of mugging someone for a ticket or jumping over the fence. However the most famous is the Dole office, visited thousands of times a day. If the whole of America had only one McDonalds, then out of them, the Barnsley Dole office would by far be the most visited.

Barnsley language

There are many languages in the world, English, French, German, Clagnut etc... but the most fascinating language is Barnslish. It is a simple language which has more than 3 words combined into one for ease of speaking and to help the idly challenged. Words like 'Thee' are derived from English meaning 'you' and not 'Thee' as in making the word 'The' make something sound more powerful. Another meaning for 'You' is 'Thar', and can be incorporated into the sentence 'Wots thar doin o'er theya?' meaning 'What are you doing over there?'. Most words are cognates with letters missing, for example 'o'er' meaning 'over'. Most words are pronounced differently like 'toast' would be said 'tu-ast' and emphasising a 'ou' sound. 'peas' are said 'peys' and can be found in a famous Barnsley quote, 'al av pie n peys plea-as love'. 'Board' as in chipboard is also pronounced 'Bu-ard' again emphasising the 'ou' sound. As in much of the north, 'night' and 'light' are 'leet' and 'neet'. But Barnsley folk af to be a bit different, so they say 'fight' and 'right' as 'feyt' and 'reyt'. Most of the language is the same as Yorkshire, like 'ayup' but Barnslish can only be fully understood if tha's lived ere all thi liyfe! Don't worry about writing it, its written as it sounds!

Men call one another 'cock' as if it's a compliment in Barnsley. Some research has found this word in use in Wakefield as well, which meks Barnsley folk think that Wakefielders are stealing their words.

Pastimes

Favourite pastimes include mining down't pit and combining words to form random sentences that no normal person understands. Another is talking 'bart' Barnsley itself. If you don't talk about Barnsley, you are not welcome in Barnsley.

Frequently banging that slag darn t'road is another popular pastime in Barnsley. This may or may not explain the abundance of Townie fookin' scum that can oft' be seen pushing a pram about their local area (though one could argue that the primary reason for having a pram around is so that they can ram into the back of nearby strangers' legs; this seems to happen all too frequently around Barnsley)

Even though there are only five TV's in all of Barnsley, another good past time there is watching the movie KES. This is the only movie that was ever made in Barnsley (apart from Brassed Off, set in the fictional town 'Grimley' this was actually set in Grimethorpe, based on Grimethorpe Colliery Band. Although this was not as successful as Kes, this was a highly recognisable film) and everyone claims to know most of the people that was in it. The reason another movie was not made in Barnsley ever again was because nobody could understand what the hell they were saying, half of the time it sounds as if they are communicating through moans and grunts.

Binge drinking is also an important part of Barnsleys culture. The entire population of the town can usually be found on Wellington street on a Saturday night partaking in many local pastimes including, mooneying, urinating in the street, hurling abuse at anyone and everyone, and most importantly fighting.

The SI unit of measurement for how bloody pointless or useless something is in relation to it's cost is the Stairfoot roundabout (Symbol: Sr) and is calculated by the following formula:$Sr = Uselessness / Total Cost$

Common conversions

Uselessness Total cost Sr value
Your appendix (removed or otherwise) Fairly useless £1000 in birthdays presents to your mum 0.001
Millennium Dome 10 Michael Jackson concerts £789m 5
Barnsley Civic 'clock' A clock with no numbers that you can only see going one way up Regent Street facing four clocks with numbers that can be seen for miles around £32,500 5000
British Members of Parliament Error: Uselessness cannot be measured £503m per year Scientists estimate that if the equivalent Stairfoot roundabouts were put in a line they would bisect the Universe

Environs

On the outskirts of Barnsley is a small village called Shafton. This cancerous polyp on the arse of humanity is responsible for introducing some of the most stupid and simple human beings known to man. One in particular nearly got his testicles bitten off by his brother as a result of a humorous jape.

Royston village has a park that features a ten foot marble edifice in the shape of a mighty bony skull, for no discernible reason whatsoever. It is rumoured to scream 'Aieee!' in the night.

Sports

Apart from bullying, Barnsley doesn't really get up to much. Boyracers are around McDonald's, but let's not constitute that as sport. Now, bullying, that's the sport of Barnsley.

Anyone with an IQ reaching 60+ or look slightly retarded are a target to heckling. If you have long hair, then you are an emo. Here: Take some razorblades and go somewhere else.

 Tha lyke fookin pissin rarnd wi mi wattah? Gi orr! What? Didn't you understand that? Well, get the hell out of this article! You are simply not welcome in Barnsley, or it's article, cocker.

Careers

Most Barnsley folk go into one of the following careers:

• Diggin' stuff,
• Hittin' stuff,
• Sexxin' stuff,
• Buildin' stuff
• European Parliament Members

Careers advice is 'doled out' by drunken, middle aged women who are beaten by their husbands (or wives as it is more often). These 'advisers' use a bingo machine to select the career of the child who visits, this child is then forbidden from changing career.