Barney Frank

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“I only pretended to like Barney when I was a kid. Now, he's like a bitch-in-the-box.”
~ Selena Gomez on Barney
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Barney. Image from his campaign website: www.barneyforamerica.com

Barnsworth Peter Frank, Jr., better known as Barney the Dinosaur, is the 2008 Green Bay Fudgepacking Party Presidential nominee. Most political observers consider him to be running an extremely long-shot campaign; he polls extremely poorly in head-to-head scenarios against both John McCain and Barack Obama. However, some have suggested that his moderately popular foreign policy views could push the Democratic Party to the left, much as Ralph Nader did in 2000.

Primary Election

Barney's victory in the Green Bay Fudgepacking Party primary election was seen as a major upset, especially after blistering attacks from rivals Cynthia McKinney, a six-term Congresswoman from Georgia, and Josh "Cheetos" Cheever, a drug dealer from Berkeley, California who sells dime bags of marijuana but won't touch cocaine because, as he says, "Dude, I don't mess with that chemical shit." Both McKinney and Cheever accused Barney of having a hopelessly naive view of foreign policy after he advocated dissolving the Department of Homeland Security and replacing it with a new Department of Hugs.

In a much-publicized speech, Barney responded to the allegations by saying, "McKinney and Cheever are engaging in the politics of personal destruction. It is time for America to move beyond petty one-upsmanship. America, I love you. And you love me. We are all one happy family. With a great big hug, and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me too?"

Barney rally

Barney, posing with several of his supporters. These kids are fucking baked.

Despite this critically-acclaimed and inspirational speech, Barney was not expected to do well in the primary election. Polls showed that his strongest demographic was children aged two to five; the Green Party does not allow minors to participate in their primaries. Conventional wisdom is that winning the Green Party nomination is all about capturing the key "twenty-three year olds who do not own shoes" demographic. Observers were stunned, then, when Barney captured the nomination in an unprecedented landslide, with exactly one hundred percent of the vote.

Newsweek recently ran a poll trying to determine the reason for Barney's massive upset. They interviewed one Chester Hannover, a seventh-year senior at UNLV. Hannover explained his vote for Barney thusly: "I saw the ballot and I was all like, 'Whoa, holy shit, Barney! Get out of here, man! You're fucking with me! Whoa, dude.. that's fucking crazy, man. Barney's on the ballot! Duuuuuude!!'"

Newsweek attempted to determine whether Hannover's reasoning was typical, but they were unable to locate another Green party member who had ever voted.

Controversial Policies

Barney's position on Federal subsidies for ethanol has raised some eyebrows. When questioned on the issue, he responded, "That's a no-no! Let's all drink orange juice instead!" Barney's early life was very controversial. At the age of five he burned down his house and killed his parents. He needed money so his own show was created. But he was then fired due to dropping the F bomb on the show. He was then forced to live on the streets and sell crack. He was then caught selling drugs to Elmo, so he was sent to jail. After serving time in jail he decided to better himself and run for president. He went on to become the president. Critics have argued that this response betrayed a fundamental lack of understanding of the issue. However, other pundits have noted that while his response has made him extremely unpopular in states such as Iowa and Nebraska, it may actually help him in the battleground state of Florida.

Barney committed another serious gaffe when a reporter asked him what he would do if we were to find Osama bin Laden. He responded, "I'd say to him, Boy, Oh Boy! I'm so glad you came to play today! We can play games and have lots of fun with music!" This response has been interpreted, especially by Evangelicals, as unacceptably soft on terrorism.

Barney is insane, in fact, he's so insane that he once starred on a 2girls1cup episode. Although it was funny as hell, it was the most disgusting thing anyone has ever seen. He also threatened to skin Elmo to death, his exact words were "Come here you fucking queer, purple is better than red, I'll skin you you mother fucker!" As a result, he got sentenced to 10 years in jail and his television show was cancelled.

Assassination Attempts

In May 2006, a disturbing list of "ways to kill Barney" was found through the Internet. However, Barney dismissed it as being "obviously meant in good fun", and has not responded to it, or tried to tighten his security.

On August 23nd, 2012, Barney received a voicemail on his home phone, stating that a mentally imbalanced man from Coonville State Ward wanted to kill Barney by using a knife. Barney, a peaceful guy, had this to say: "It's really too bad that people have to act out like this. I mean, I think the problem with people these days is that they are just too hyped up on Obamacare!" The next day, Barney was stabbed to death. There he lay, in the street, until the paramedics arrived, and instead of reviving him, dumped his body in the nearest sewer, for the raccoons. As this happened, Gucci Mane walked by and yelled "YEAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!". The coons immediately robbed poor Gucci of all his gold, and popped a cap in his ass.

Running Mate

Buchanan

A STRANGE ALLIANCE: Buchanan strongly disapproves of Barney's "Hugs and Cookies for Undocumented Workers" program.

Barney nearly caused a rift in the Green Party with his early insistence that his running mate be one "Baby Bop," a "dark horse" candidate with absolutely no political experience. Recently, however, he gave into party demands and selected Pat Buchanan as his running mate.

Buchanan, when asked why he would accept the appointment despite agreeing with Barney on absolutely no issues whatsoever, said simply "I just really want to be President before I die. And I'm getting so goddamn old."

Buchanan is expected to significantly boost Barney's support in the American South. Of course, as one pundit observed, boosting Barney's support in the American South is "basically multiplying zero by a very large number." Damn unions.

However, Barney's campaign manager, Tom Thompson, points out that Barney is not without support in the Bible Belt: "He's very popular with Creationists. They consider him living proof that dinosaurs and humans walked the earth at the same time. They also approve of his stance on premarital sex." Asked to clarify Barney's stance on premarital sex, Thompson responded, "He doesn't know what that is."

Prospects for 2008

Online bookie Bodog Sportbook offers 950/1 odds that Barney will win the 2008 general election. In other words, if you bet $1,053 on Barney's candidacy, you will be a millionaire. Think about it: Movie stars! Swimming pools! However, it should be noted as a point of reference that Bodog recently offered 75/1 odds that Britney Spears will receive a Ph.D. in Molecular Biology.

George Stephanopoulos recently offered one of the most damning appraisals of Barney's candidacy; when asked about it by Sean Hannity, he responded, "Who? What?"

It does not appear that Barney has a realistic shot of ascending to the Presidency. It is possible, however, that his candidacy will play a key role in George W. Bush winning a third term in 2008.

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