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|Directed by||Ang Lee|
|Written by||Jeb Bush|
|Starring|| George W. Bush|
|Produced by||Oscar Wilde|
|Distributed by||Focus Features and UnUniversal|
“See the Joker fuck Donnie Darko up the ass”
“Gay cowboys? Sounds like my perfect night in.”
“I once had to rescue the president from there.”
This movie is gaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. No really, it is; it's really gay. Bareback Mounting is a 2005 movie by Ang Lee, based on the novel by Jeb Bush about gay cowboys eating pudding. The novel was based on the real life story of Fox news reporter Sean Hannity. Not that I've seen it. I mean, I'm sure it's really really good. There's so much Oscar buzz around it, right? It's supposed to be moving and stuff. But I haven't seen it. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Brokeback Mounting is a bi-gay porn film about two cowboys who suffer hilarious misadventures while working off their gambling debts and then start screwing each other up the ass. Its also known by the name Brokeback Motherfucker.
The story takes place on the dreaded Bareback Mountain, named so for its notorious reputation of fucking without a condom, and a penis in a male anus. The story ends when the "Odd" couple figure out who is behind the cattle-rustling ring of Bareback Mountain, who turns out to be Old Man Johnson, the kind, old shopkeeper. Or was that Scooby-Doo? Whatever.
The end also sets up the sequel to the movie, which has just finished filming, Bareback Mounting II: The San Fransisco Treat. In it, the pair add a third cowboy to the mix, this one from The Village People, there by increasing the number of hilarious gay sexual positions to 3x3x3=27. Bring your own popcorn and lubrication.
This is now a tradition for many many of the guys on forums to go for the brokeback experence, namely suntan and DL. They spend many summers taking each other up the hoop not because they have gambiling problems, but because they enjoy it. Bareback Mounting, although a gay comedy, also has a few touching, sensitive moments. Like when Heath Ledger was humorously bitten in the dick by a rattlesnake after "accidently" getting fucked up the ass by his old chum. So naturally the chum start to suck it off in order to drain the poison. Afterwards, yelling "all your base are belong to us", he fucks Heath Ledger in the ass again, until he cums in a bowl with pudding. Touching, fucking touching. The key issues of the movie deal with learning to tie your shoes, potty-training and dealing with drugs. In order to battle drug use, gay cowboys break into a sperm bank and drink 30 gallons of sperm each. Even more touching.
While it is not the key issue, Homosexuality is part of the movie, but only when the men walk in on each other changing. In one of the funniest exchanges in the movie, Heath Ledger remarks to Donnie/Jake, "Gee, and I thought The Hulk was a bigger flop," to which Donnie/Jake replied,"I guess not", and cums in pudding.
Hey, I'm not homophobic or nothing. I mean, I went to see Rent with my girlfriend! It's not like I think watching the movie is gonna make me gay. I'm totally 100% straight. And I'm not just saying that out of some deep-seated insecurity or anything. It's just that I am straight, straight, straight. I just don't want to see two guys eating pudding on a huge screen, that's all. Can you blame me? I don't like hot white sperm. There's just no way that I like it, none at all. I mean, what's there to like about hot, white, sticky sperm exploding out of a long, rock hard penis up my tightly wound and well-lubricated bumhole. That isn't in any way gut-churningly erotic...
It is said that after the death of Jack-off, Anus went to Gotham City, where he slowly became the Joker.
I am so confident in my hyper masculine sexuality that I would definitely see Bareback Mounting, if I wasn't so busy with
working out (no, that's a bit gay) working with power tools, drinking beer, watching football, and going to shoot guns at bunnies, I mean, rabbits. As I've stated before, I'm straight. There is nothing that I fear about watching two hot, virile male specimens kissing passionately, while tentatively reaching to grope each other's heavy loins to caress their massive firm manhood, straining for sweet, forbidden release in the muscular orifice of my gentle but passionate lover, whispering the tender lovewords of our sinful union in his ear. *content sigh*
Except total boredom.
Quotes From The Movie
- "How much for a butt plug?"
- “Would you like some pudding after your beans?”
- “Can I be on the bottom this time?”
- “No, baby, not without the astroglide…”
- “I'm no queer!”
- “Do these shoes go with this belt?”
- “Ennis, could you buy me a vibrator before your next fishing trip? It's just that you, you know, haven't been around for quite a while and, well, a girl has needs... ”
- “Do these jeans make me look fat?”
- “Ennis, what’s a three way?”
- “You can fit how many balls into your ass?”
- “I'm voting Republican!”
- “Does this moustache make me look like a member of the Village People?”
- “Hey Ennis I bought you some ass-less chaps, care to model them for me? ”
- “Do you know what fisting is?”
- “Is that your harmonica in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
- “I have a confession to make. When I was watching you boys stem the rose that day.....I think it moved”
- “I'm tired of these mothe--fatherfucking gay cowboys on this motherfucking plane"
- “I'll never let go Jack, I'll never let go.”
- “Ennis, honey, what's your favourite Christmas song this year?” “Back door Santa!”
- “Twist, you guys wasn't getting paid to leave the dogs baby-sit the sheep while you fucked like bunnies!”
- "Is that a goffer? or are you just pleased to see me?"
- "It's raining men! Hallelujah, it's raining men!"
It was announced shortly after Breakback Mountain was released that there would a sequel, this time featuring two women instead of men. Quite why they didn't just do this in the first place is not clear. The makers have insisted that the sequel will also focus on the loving tenderness of the relationship and the feelings of being outcasts in a smart, intelligent society. Cinemas showing a pilot version have reported being baffled as to why all local Catholics and Muslims came to burn down the cinema and kill all the gay viewers.
A less popular spin-off of the movie, this made for tv sitcom chronicles the travails of two hapless sheep herders, except instead of being bone smugglers, they go on really lengthy rants about how "over millions of years some animals slowly become other animals" or something like that. I don't know, I can't watch it without falling asleep so I never get to see how an episode of it ends. Or if it ends, for that matter.
Check out this hot chick pictured left. I am totally into her. I would do her in a second. That's how totally straight I am. A gay guy wouldn't want to screw her. I don't have a gay bone in my body. The only bone I have is strictly reserved for females, like this hot girl.
You don't believe me? Check out my cell phone. I have the number of about twenty, no, thirty hot chicks. I could call any of them right now and they would totally be on my jock. I swear. I'm always doing hot chicks and doing stuff with their, erm, sweaty tits and fannies and shit. In fact, I'm doing a hot chick right now as I write this. Oh yeah, yeah, do me Jasmine, do me, do me right in the ass, I mean vagina. No! I mean, I mean... oh shit.